Tag: President Buddy

President Buddy Blasts ‘One Meal A Day’ Cat Study

WASHINGTON — A new study suggesting cats should only be fed once daily is “an attack on our freedoms” and “quite possibly the biggest threat to felinekind since vacuums,” an angry President Buddy said Friday.

“One meal a day! That’s what these supposed ‘scientists’ say,” the president of the Americats said during a White House press briefing. “But could it be they have an agenda?”

The president waited a few moments as aide cats wheeled in a projector, then took reporters through a slide presentation positing a connection between the study’s authors and “nefarious interlopers from the Siamese communist government.”

“University of Guelph? What the hell is a Guelph? It sounds Siamese,” President Buddy said, clicking through the slides.

“The Siamese, led by Chairman Xinnie the Pooh, want to take away your freedoms,” the president said. “They want to tell you that you can’t have a tremendous turkey dinner at food o’clock because you ate eight hours earlier. If it were up to them, none of us would ever have snacks.”

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The study involved only eight cats, all four years old or younger, who were fed a large meal once a day for three weeks, then smaller meals four times a day for three weeks. Feeding cats only once a day helped those cats burn more fat and make better use of the protein available to them, the authors said.

Cats fed once daily seemed “more satisfied” and didn’t ask for food as much as they did when they were fed four times a day, according to the study.

“That’s how you know it’s fake news,” President Buddy said. “Who are these supposed cats who are cool with eating once a day? I’ve never met them.”

The president said he would form a new commission, the Yums Studies Council, to “foster studies supporting the view that we need at least four meals a day, and that six or seven would be awesome.”

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President Buddy Begs Cats To Join Navy, Marines: ‘Don’t Be Scared of Water!’

WASHINGTON — Looking to solve what he called “a major military crisis,” President Buddy addressed the nation on Friday night and begged young cats to consider the Navy and the Marines.

While the Army and Chair Force remained well-staffed and trained, the infamous feline aversion to water has made it all but impossible to recruit new sailors and marines, the president of the Americats said.

“We have, like, six guys in the Marines and one or two old mousers living in ships in dry dock,” Buddy said at a news conference. “That leaves us without naval power at a time when the Siamese threaten us at every turn and the Persians continue to pursue mewcular technology.”

Slick new advertisements created by a New York ad agency are designed to catch the interest of younger demographics and spark interest in naval careers.

“WATER: IT’S NOT SO BAD!” declares the first ad campaign, while “MARINES: YOU GET COOL GUNS!” is the tagline for the second campaign, which will be rolled out nationally with commercials and print/online advertisements.

The Purrtagon approved the recruiting ads after their allies in the United Katdom saw a significant uptick in enlistments and commissions following a similar campaign.

The Americat military was inspired by a series of patriotic recruiting posters designed by the United Katdom, which helped drive recruitment up more than 130 percent.

At the Marine Corps Recruit Depot at South Carolina’s Parris Island, jaguar drill sergeants were helping reticent cats overcome their fear of water.

“Get in there, you whiny little kittens, or I’ll throw you in myself!” barked Sgt. Junglestalker.

“What we’re doing is retraining our recruits so they don’t hesitate to jump into the water, whether it’s a calm lake or a roiling sea,” Junglestalker told reporters. “We do that with compassion, by recognizing the fear our recruits have, calling them scared little wimps, and ultimately tossing them into the pool if they refuse to jump.”

Asked how boot camp instructors handle cats who can’t swim, Junglestalker said: “They learn pretty quickly when you throw them in.”

Officials hope the new recruitment efforts will yield results before the brand new Turkey-class cruiser, the USS Delicious, is formally commissioned. Featuring .50-caliber hairball guns, a quick-launch claw grappler and cucumber missile launchers, the formidable new vessel needs a crew before it can deploy.

Purrtagon brass are also considering commissioning M4 Schroedinger tanks for the Marines. The box-shaped tanks have been very popular with cats in the Army, and feature a “play dead” mode, so enemies cannot be sure if tank crews remain alive inside until they open the hatch.

“Prepare the cucumber missiles!” (Source)

President Buddy Takes Aim At Dr. Meowci: ‘He Doesn’t Even Bury His Poop’

WASHINGTON — In an escalating war of words between the White House and the nation’s top infectious disease expert, President Buddy criticized the CDC’s Dr. Anthony Meowci on Tuesday, telling reporters Meowci “is a treat-hogging fearmonger who doesn’t even bury his own poop.”

Despite insisting he and Dr. Meowci “have a terrific relationship,” the president unloaded on the head of the Cat Disease Center (CDC), reading down a list of bullet points critical of Meowci.

“We’re talking about a cat who puked on the carpet in 2015, knocked over a priceless vase in 2012 and peed outside the litter box in 2009,” President Buddy said. “We’re gonna trust him to tell us when we can open our businesses and send our kittens back to school?”

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Dr. Meowci addresses reporters during a briefing last month.

A White House aide added fuel to the fire on Monday night after sharing a tweet from game show host Chonk Woolery, who floated a conspiracy theory claiming Meowci was telling everyone to stay indoors “so he could keep all the snacks to himself.”

“Meowci tells cats to stay inside, then he makes a circuit to all the homes in the country, gorging on the food left out for other cats by humans,” Woolery claimed.

Political observers say President Buddy has shifted the focus to Meowci after his previous plan to fight the Coronavirus — by moving the entire planet closer to the sun — failed to curb the spread. Earlier, the president pointed the finger at Siamese cats, who he said knew about the virus but didn’t warn fellow felines around the world.

C-Anon, the feline conspiracy group, quickly latched onto the new claims and invented their own, accusing Meowci of participating in a kitten smuggling ring operating out of the basement of a pizza parlor.

At the press conference, White House spokeswoman Kayleigh MeowcEnany pointed to a chart showing White House estimates of economic growth while following Meowci’s advice, and while ignoring it. The latter graph showed exponential growth and riches for every Americat beyond their wildest dreams.

Still, President Buddy insisted there was no tension during daily Coronavirus briefings at the White House.

“Dr. Meowci is a tremendous cat,” Buddy said. “A terrific cat. We have a very good relationship, a beautiful relationship.”

President Buddy Unveils Plan To Move Earth Closer To Sun

WASHINGTON — Emboldened by new research that shows UV light and heat have a dramatic effect on the novel Coronavirus, President Buddy unveiled a new plan on Thursday to move the planet closer to the sun.

Leaning against his podium/scratcher, the president pointed a paw toward a large monitor showing an animation of Earth moving closer to the sun on the ecliptic.

“My advisors tell me sunlight is very powerful and does a tremendous job of destroying the virus, so I said, ‘Why can’t we increase the amount of sunlight, like with a brighter bulb or something?’” President Buddy told reporters. “I was surprised to learn that we can’t make the sun brighter, but what we can do is move our planet closer to the sun to soak up more of those terrific UV rays!”

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Seeking to use “more of that tremendous sunlight” to combat SARS-CoV2, President Buddy unveiled a plan to move Earth closer to the sun.

The plan drew immediate condemnation from CHOW — Cat Health Organization Worldwide — as well as from the international community, with fellow heads of state maintaining President Buddy could not unilaterally move the entire planet without first consulting with other world leaders.

“This aggression will not stand!” Siamese Chairman Xinnie the Pooh declared during his own press conference.

Asked about pushback from global leaders, President Buddy shrugged and yawned.

“Who’s the leader of the free cats? Oh, that’s right. I am! I say this is a terrific plan, the number one plan, and it’s going to be fantastic, believe me.”

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Dr. Deborah Purrx wearing one of her trademark scarves.

The president’s science advisors said the plan was to move the Earth approximately .5 AU closer to its home star, soaking up “all that tremendous UV” to eradicate the Coronavirus.

Dr. Deborah Purrx, who heads the White House Coronavirus Task Force, tried to reassure nervous reporters that all life on the planet would not be wiped out in a great wave of all-consuming fire.

“The President feels the whole country would be more like Florida,” Dr. Purrx said, pausing to lap at a water bowl next to the podium. “The weather’s pretty good in Florida, isn’t it? I mean, that’s where kitties go to retire.”

Stocks in companies that manufacture air conditioners soared after the announcement, with some pawlitical rivals accusing senatorial cats of snatching up those stocks ahead of time before the plan was announced to the public.

“That’s ridiculous,” Sen. Widdle Tiger said in response to criticism after he purchased $4 million in air conditioner manufacturing stocks. “What we should be outraged about is…oh look, someone’s giving out free Temptations!”

Reached later on Thursday at a nursery where he was sniffing the fur of kittens and telling stories about his days as a boxer, former Vice Purrsident Joe Bitin’ — President Buddy’s presumptive opponent in the general election — blasted the president’s plan as “stupid and dangerous.”

“I used to deal with bullies like the president all the time,” Bitin’ said, leaning in to take a deep huff of a six-week-old kitten’s fur. “But this ain’t 1962, it’s 1988, and we don’t put up with bullies anymore.”

The former vice purrsident looked momentarily confused as an aide whispered into his ear, then nodded.

“I misspoke, folks,” Bitin’ said. “That reminds me of the time I ate Coco Puffs in Lincoln, Nebraska back in 1983. Look at these beautiful kittens. Wow. Was it Coco Puffs or Corn Pops? Or maybe Rice Krispies…”