Tag: turkey

Greatest Countries, Ranked By Number of Buddy’s Readers

Hello and welcome to our first installment of Greatest Countries™, where we list the Greatest Countries In The World by using a single metric: How many people in those countries read Buddy’s blog.

There are many other measurements of a country’s greatness, but perhaps none is more important than how many of a country’s citizens read Pain In The Bud, perhaps the greatest publication of our generation.

Without further ado, let’s look at the list:

  1. United States, 75 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Yuge numbers. Those are yuge, tremendous numbers, okay? The best. They really are. Buddy’s blog is the number one publication in the US, believe me. It’s a terrific blog. Naturally most of my readers hail from the US since our blog is written in the American language.”
  2. United Kingdom, 6 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Why do these people speak like they’re Westerosi from Game of Thrones? Hello! Get an original accent! Nevertheless, readers are increasingly abandoning rubbish — like gossip about Prince Harry and Megan Markle — to read about a true celebrity, Buddy the Cat. A lot of people in the UK speak and read American, so naturally they read my blog.”

    Harry and Meghan
    Harold and Meg, lesser celebrities of the UK.
  3. Canada, 5 percent of Buddy’s readership: Buddy says: “Many people haven’t heard about this obscure vassal state to the US, but Buddy’s growing fanbase in this frozen wasteland is guaranteed to put Canada on the map, eh!”

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    Canadian citizens perform the Dance of Canada.
  4. India, 4 percent of Buddy’s readership: Buddy says: “India is a country founded by the Indians after they fled North America. After finding a suitable home in southeast Asia, the many tribes of India decided totem poles and wigwams were no longer in fashion and spent vast amounts of money building temples to a new religion they called Hinduism, going to great lengths to make the architecture look ancient. They didn’t fool Buddy. Still, India loves Buddy and Buddy loves India.”
  5. Australia, 2.7 percent of Buddy’s readership: Buddy says: “The Republic of Australia is a formerly landlocked European country that was moved to Oceania after it was decided that bordering Germany was not such a good idea. Australia was sparsely populated until the British started sending their prisoners to its first permanent settlement, Vienna. Cities like Sydney, Adelaide and Buddyopolis soon followed.”

    Vienna
    Vienna, the capital of Australia.
  6. South Africa, 1 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Almost 60 million people live in South Africa. Its capital is Cape Town, which earned its name after becoming the world’s foremost manufacturer and exporter of fashionable capes. South African readers should send some of those sweet capes Buddy’s way. He would look very handsome in them.”
  7. France, 0.7 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Led by President Emmanuel Jean-Michel Baptiste Claude Durand Jean-Jacques Georges Frédéric Macron, France is known primarily for its outstanding wine and national edict that forbids shaving or bathing more frequently than every four days. France should be treated with skepticism because poodles, not cats, are the most popular animals in that country.”
  8. Singapore, 0.6 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Home to awesome buildings, pristine streets and really good sandwiches, Singapore is a Greek city-state on its own island in the Aegean. Originally allied with Sparta during the Pelopponesian War, the Singaporites later flourished as a member of the Athenian Bowling League.”
  9. Germany, 0.5 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “This nation of die-hard Star Trek fans settled on Klingon as the official language. Germans are known primarily for their affinity for garden gnomes and their spectacularly efficient warp cores, which are the pride of Starfleet.”

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    A German coming-of-age ritual known as the Gluk’Thar Karthak das Lederhosen.
  10. Netherlands, 0.3 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Is this the one where smoking catnip is legal? I don’t like that place. I like illegal catnip. It’s more profitable.”
  11. New Zealand, 0.2 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Goodaye, mate! New Zealand is a tropical paradise and home of the famed Crocodile Hunter. That’s all I know about this country. Oh! And they also have really funny vampires. What We Do In The Shadows is one of my favorite movies!”
  12. Japan, 0.2 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “A proper country where people love cats. Japan has its priorities straight. Did you know cats are allowed to own and operate their own cafes in Japan? It’s true! Tokyo has many cat cafes.”

    Cat Cafe Japan
    Cats are the proprietors of their own cafes in Japan!
  13. Indonesia, 0.2 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Indonesia has some really awesome animals, like orangutans, which are like fuzzy humans with red hair. Indonesia also has cats.”
  14. Turkey, 0.2 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “A wonderland named after the most delicious food ever! I want to eat turkey in Turkey. Recently we learned that people in Turkey love cats, probably because cats love turkey. A match made in heaven.”

    turkeyflag
    The official flag of Turkey, a wonderful nation.
  15. The rest of the world. Buddy says: “Nigeria, Poland, Brazil, Romania, Switzerland, Greece, Norway, Ireland, Spain, Portugal, Hong Kong, Bangladesh, Pakistan, Belgium. All you guys have a lot of work to do! I want to see more hits from your countries, which will naturally increase your rankings. Except for Hong Kong. You guys take as long as you want, we know you have other priorities right now. We love Hong Kong!”

    Cat in Hong Kong
    Hong Kong!

A Cat Really Did Bring Her Kitten To An ER In Instanbul

Buddy and I were a bit skeptical when we first heard the story of a cat who padded into the emergency room of a hospital, carrying her kitten by the scruff of the neck, to plead for help for the little one.

The story first appeared on Reddit without any details, but we were able to track down some of the people involved to fill out the narrative and answer some questions.

A woman was waiting in the emergency room of Kucukcekmece Hospital in Istanbul at about 5 p.m. on April 27 when the cat dragged her baby through the open doors.

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A mom cat brings her sick baby into an ER in Istanbul. Credit: Merve Özcan

The witness, Merve Özcan, described the kitten as “a little bit mischievous” in Twitter posts about the incident.

An article in Sözcü, a daily newspaper whose name translates to “spokesperson,” said the mother cat brought her kitten right up to the blue-gowned hospital staff, meowing for attention.

Hospital staff immediately helped — more about that below — and the cat mom followed them, keeping her eyes on her baby as they brought the kitten into a room for treatment.

“While the kitten was being cared for, the mother cat was given milk and food,” the newspaper reported. “Hospital staff ensured full treatment by passing them onto a veterinarian after their intervention.”

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Staff take the kitten as the mother watches. Credit: Merve Özcan

The story doesn’t say exactly what was wrong with the kitten, and Özcan did not know either.

While this story would seem insane to most of us, it starts to make a lot more sense when you consider where it happened: Istanbul, a city famous for its massive cat population, and the humans who revere those felines.

From the Legal Nomads travel blog:

Cats are the most beloved animal in Istanbul and the living attraction of this huge city. They are extremely friendly, come in all sorts of cuddly colors and sizes, and always respond with a greedy “meow.” Stray cats usually take the best seats at cafes and restaurants in Istanbul without anyone even bothering moving them. They maneuver around tables and customers, inside and out of the buildings in search of the most comfortable spot.

Caring for the city’s hundreds of thousands of cats is a community effort: People feed them, pet them, bring them to veterinarians when they’re injured, and even build little dwellings for them.

With that in mind, it makes sense that a cat in Istanbul would know to approach humans for help, and to go to a hospital. If the mom cat lives in the area, undoubtedly she’s seen the sick and injured walk through those doors many times.

“Money is not an issue to some people when it comes to cats,” Ozan, a pet shop employee, told Reuters. “They take in cats with broken legs, blind ones or ones with stomach problems and bring them to the clinic. When they see that they are healed, they let them live on the street again.”

In an article titled “Istanbul: The City of Cats,” Goran Tomasevic of Reuters describes the relationship between the city’s inhabitants and their feline friends:

They are so ubiquitous that no one bats an eye at a cat padding across the lobby of a high-rise office building, or when one curls up to sleep on a nearby barstool. Shop owners and locals often know their neighbourhood cats by name and will tell tales about them, as if chatting about a friend.

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A cat house next to water and food bowls on an Istanbul street. Credit: Reuters

A 2017 documentary, Kedi (Turkish for cat), explores the world of Istanbul’s street cats and the people who love them. Pictured at the top of this post is Kedi director Ceyda Torun, posing with cats in Istanbul.

You can watch a trailer for the documentary here:

Buddy’s Adoptaversary & His Blog’s 1st Anniversary!

Join us, dear readers, as we celebrate the one-year anniversary of Pain In The Bud!

We’ve reached a modest 700 million readers in our first year and plan to do even better in our second year, replacing Google and Facebook at the very top of the traffic rankings and becoming the number one internet destination for people looking to waste their time.

Critics and readers alike are united in their effusive praise for Pain In The Bud:

“Absolute idiots. It’s difficult to tell which one has fewer brain cells, the human or the cat.” – Time

“Doesn’t even qualify as decent bathroom reading material.” – Rolling Stone

“Outstanding! Easily the best blog on the Internet!” – The Buddy Review

“An indictment of the American education system. I feel dumber for having read it.” – Oprah Winfrey

“Why should you care about the exploits of Buddy the Cat? You shouldn’t. His catnip-addled mind is limited to producing tedious fart jokes and dispensing mind-numbingly ridiculous advice to readers misguided enough to seek out his opinion.” – Wall Street Journal

“An extraordinary blog focused on an exceptional cat whose wit is sharper than Valyrian steel. Endlessly entertaining.” – The Buddesian Times

“A catnip junkie and the human who enables him. Gives all cats a bad rep.” –  Veterinary Association of America

“An unfiltered look into the depraved depths of the feline psyche. The blog mostly works as a celebration of legendary stupidity.” – Psychology Today

“Has there ever been a cat more handsome and interesting than Buddy? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way.” – The Chronicle of Higher Buddy

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Meanwhile, we’re celebrating Buddy’s adoptaversary! Well, celebrating is probably not the right word since we’re stuck indoors in the middle of a pandemic, in the area with the most infections if you don’t count Wuhan’s fake statistics.

Still, celebrate we will. No matter how dark these times are, there’s always turkey and catnip!

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Turkey Heist: Shipment Vanishes, Cat Suspected

NEW YORK — A ship carrying half a million pounds of frozen turkey was hijacked off shore on Friday night by a criminal gang that appeared to take orders from a cat, authorities said.

MV Fowl Call, a US-flagged cargo freighter, was less than 20 nautical miles from port when it was redirected back toward the ocean and its comms went quiet. Witnesses reported seeing a small cat issuing orders to an assault team and cackling with delight as he padded around on the deck of the freighter.

Several members of the assault team reappeared a few minutes later, holding two men at gunpoint.

“Sample the wares, boss?” one of the pirates asked, opening a case of turkey in front of the cat.

The small tabby leaned forward, took a sniff, then took a cautious bite, his expression impassive.

“T-T-T-TIGHT!” the cat shouted. “Oh, TIGHT, TIGHT, yeah! Oh blue, yellow, pink, whatever man! Keep bringing me that!”

Cat and Turkey
Turkey: Food of the gods.

The crew methodically packed the cases of turkey into three smaller boats, then departed the larger ship, leaving the crew tied up on deck.

A witness told investigators he spotted black-clad men loading cases of frozen turkey into a Los Pollos Hermanos delivery van, then drive off.

“Any suggestion that we were involved in this apparent turkey heist is absurd,” franchise owner Gus “Gustavo” Fringe said. “Los Pollos Hermanos serves the community and supports our police, in addition to serving the most delicious deep-fried chicken and turkey.”

Image credit Wikimedia Commons [1] [2]

Buddy Reads Internet Comments

Buddy: Watcha doin’, amigo?

Big Buddy: Nothing much, just looking at some NBA box scores before bed.

Buddy: Can you go back to the comments on that last story about me? The one where you exaggerate how I wait for you by the door…

Big Buddy: How exactly was that story exaggerated?

Buddy: I don’t wait for you by the door when you leave. I merely take a nap in proximity to the door. There’s a difference.

Big Buddy: Uh, okay then.

Buddy: Just read the comments!

Big Buddy: Okay. Wow, this one is very complementary: “Buddy is the most handsome tabby alive. Stunningly beautiful! Those eyes…”

Buddy: I like that one. More!

Big Buddy: Okay here’s one that says “He’s an absolutely beautiful cat,” and the next comment reads “What a sweetheart!”

Buddy: It’s true, isn’t it? I’m almost too handsome and charming. More!

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Big Buddy: All right, this one says “Buddy has exquisite eyes.” Here’s another that says “What a gorgeous cat!” Oh, and you’ll like this: “Buddy is quite the hottie!”

Buddy: That’s what I’m talking about! People are finally recognizing my good looks! More!

Big Buddy: All right, what do we have here? “Buddy is a vain little jerk. I bet he rolls around in his own poop!”

Buddy: WHAT?! Who wrote that?

Big Buddy: Someone named LosGatos13. Pfffft. Wow. Listen to this one: “What a fat bastard. The police would throw him in jail, but he’d just eat his way out.” Ouch. Oh, this one from ChickMagnet217 is even worse: “Buddy is so fat, I took a photo of him last year and it’s still printing.”

Buddy: WHAT?!? Let me see that!

Big Buddy: Is that steam coming out of your ears?

Buddy: Buy us a plane ticket, now!

Big Buddy: Uh, why?

Buddy: Because you and I are going to fly from the internet to find this ChickMagnet217 and beat him up!

Big Buddy: You weigh 10 pounds. What are you doing to do, shred his ankles?

Buddy: No, I’m going to wait for you to beat him up, then I’m going to jump on top of him and slap him silly!

Big Buddy: That’s an assault charge, little dude. If I’m buying a plane ticket it’s gonna be to someplace warm where they put little umbrellas in cocktails, not to some nerd’s house.

Buddy: I’m sure they have umbrellas and cocktails wherever ChickMagnet217 lives. This is important. I order you, as my servant, to buy the ticket!

Big Buddy: No.

Buddy: Buy it!

Big Buddy: Nope. Calm down. Go take a nap or something.

FOUR DAYS LATER…

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[There’s a knock at the door. I open it to find two unamused police detectives standing in the apartment hallway.]

Big Buddy: What can I do for you, officers?

Detective: I’m looking for a Buddy…

Big Buddy: You’ll have to be more specific, I’m afraid…

[Detective holds up a turkey-stained envelope in an evidence bag, with ChickMagnet217’s address and my return address written in sloppy crayon.)

Detective: Are you familiar with the Interstate Fecal Transport Act of 1972? It’s a federal offense to mail shit across state lines, punishable by up to five years in prison.

Big Buddy: Could you hold that thought a second? Thanks.

[Clears throat]

Buddy! Come here, Bud, these nice men are from the cat food company and you’ve just won a years’ supply of Savory Turkey Entree!

[Buddy comes tearing toward the door and skids to a halt, looking up at me and the detectives.]

Buddy: A whole year of turkey? Wow!

Big Buddy: Yup! You’ll just have to go with these two gentlemen here. They’ll take you back to the, uh, pet food headquarters to sign some paperwork for your turkey. Bye, Bud!

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“A whole year’s supply of turkey! I hit the jackpot!”