Bye, Buddy: Why I Got Rid Of My Cat

When I started Pain In The Bud, my goal wasn’t to celebrate cats or to express my love for my cat by sharing his quirks and amusing anecdotes about his allegedly adorable behavior.

I had one goal and one goal only: To make money. That’s why you see ads all over this site, and it’s why I’ve been relentlessly hawking certain pet products. The companies behind those products pay me big bucks!

Which brings us to our next bit of news. Since I’ve been writing about Buddy online, creating a fictionalized version of him that is delightful and loveable, and selecting only the best photos to make him look handsome and dashing, I’ve received several offers to buy him.

To be clear, the reason I didn’t sell him before was not because I was hesitant to part with him. He’s annoying AF, he’s a degenerate catnip addict and he never, ever shuts up.

The real reason? I was holding out for more money. The more I wrote about him, the more delightful and adorable he’d appear to readers, driving his price up. It’s kind of like a basketball team giving more playing time to a player on the trading block, pumping up his stats so he’ll command a higher price on the open market.

The Buddinese Tiger
A promotional image that was part of my dastardly campaign to drive up Buddy’s price in the recent bidding war. He is not a tiger.

So when the most recent offer came in last week, I felt I’d driven Buddy’s price up as high as it would go. A potential buyer in Somalia offered $20,000 for the little stinker! In the meantime, another interested party — a competitive table-setting champion from Skokie, Illinois — offered $22,000.

It was time for a bidding war!

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m happy to report that Buddy has been sold to the Somali for $28,550. The lucky (or unlucky, really) bidder, a pirate who plunders the commercial shipping lanes off the coast of his native country, believed all the nonsense about Buddy being a fierce and powerful miniature tiger, and was in the market for a guard cat to help keep his booty safe.

They tell me there is no turkey where Buddy has gone, and he was very angry about that. Oh well. His new owner is also a neatness freak with OCD who vacuums his home six times a day, which I imagine does not sit well with Buddy, given his history with vacuum cleaners.

But who cares? I got almost 30 grand out of the deal! I’m going to buy a new Les Paul to replace the one “Buddy” (real name Jerkus Maximus) broke, my home is blissfully quiet, and I can sleep through the night without being woken by that infernal little tribble with a tail licking my face. Who in their right mind wants to be roused in the middle of the night by a purring cat? It’s absurd.

So it is with a not-so-heavy heart that I announce an end to Pain In The Bud. He really was a huge pain in the bud. Now he’s someone else’s pain in the bud. Huzzah!

P.S. With Buddy gone, I plan to refocus this blog on the wonderful world of Hummels and the extremely profitable Hummel resale market. Wanna buy the hottest Hummels at street prices? Hit me up.

Sad Buddy
Awww, so sad! Buddy has been exiled to Somalia!

27 thoughts on “Bye, Buddy: Why I Got Rid Of My Cat”

  1. Happy April Fools’ Day! Also, to state the obvious: if you only got $28,850 for him, you were robbed blind. Actually, since you sold him to a pirate…when was the last time you confirmed you actually had that money?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right, that isn’t nearly enough. However, this sets things up nicely for some absolutely ridiculous humor posts about Bud transitioning from landlubber to a true buccaneer, leading a “mewtiny” to become captain of his own ship and becoming the terror of the high seas. (Okay, I admit, I watched that Netflix documentary on pirates a few days ago lol.)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha, good one Buddy! But we all know that owners sell their servants and not the other way around! And Buddy has you wrapped around his paw !

        Liked by 2 people

      2. He does, plus he won’t sell me unless he’s got someone else lined up to open cans for him. Come to think of it, he eats Perfect Portions so he can probably open those by himself…Still, I think my job as Chief Servant to His Grace is secure.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. My first thought: WTAF!! (What the Anchovy Fries!)
    Then I remembered the number of people I trust on this date…….. 0

    LOL, Hilarious post man! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, I thought (something similar) too! Then I feared it was Big Buddy’s way of ending the column. Finally after realizing the date, such a sigh of relief!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Best April Fool’s joke I heard so far! Not to take away from the joke, it’s also the only one this year … bad year for jokes?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Someone really thought you sold your cat for $28.5K to a Somali pirate? Did you immediately contact them with an offer to sell them a really big bridge in Brooklyn at the low, low bargain price of $105K? Only 10% down since you were such good friends…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes but I felt seriously bad because at least two people said I made them cry, and the general tenor of those emails was serious disappointment and sadness. Sometimes I forget this blog has a wide range of readers, and some of them may not be on the level with the sarcasm.

        Although you’d think they’d get the hint with the stories about screaming Japanese school girls overturning Buddy’s tour bus, and “President Buddy” trying to cure Coronavirus by moving the Earth closer to the sun…

        Like

      3. I think you’re right, Big Buddy – we have lost our collective sense of humor. I didn’t think for a second you’d sell the Bud, but also that it was a way of ending the column. I’m glad it wasn’t.
        Meanwhile, it was suddenly snowing outside after some lovely days of 70 degree weather and while I was WTAF, I was thinking, “good one, weather, happy April fool’s”. It’s still in the lower 30’s – not so April fool’y.
        I’d say, Little Buddy, enjoy the anchovies … but you need to be off the coast of Morocco or Spain for those … maybe you picked the wrong coast?

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I haven’t ended the blog and I definitely wouldn’t sell the Budster. I mean, if Elon Musk was like “I’ll give you $50 million, a Tesla Roadster and a seat on a suborbital flight,” I might consider it for a minute, but nah.

        You on the East coast too? It was supposed to snow in the NY area, glad it hasn’t. But it looks like we’re back into the 60s on Sunday, thankfully.

        Like

    1. I didn’t know what Hummels were, then South Park did an episode in which they featured prominently. (In the episode, which was about Stan’s grandfather, the senior who had the most impressive Hummels collection was considered “top dog” in his nursing home.)

      Then I was at my aunt’s house for Easter and noticed she’s got a crap ton of them lol. I was like “Lemme get those Hummels, yo!” and she thought I was serious. Funny stuff.

      Like

      1. Bwahahaha, I’m German, and I’ve been inheriting a crap ton of Hummels myself. I grew up having to dust the dang things and every time got screeched at to make sure not to break the bloody things. I know they are valuable and cost money and I should sell them, but I’ve been giving them away here and there because I just don’t want to deal with them. Good riddance.
        I’m not that jerk-y. I give them to folks who like this kind of stuff (because that’s all it is, STUFF) and who truly seem to appreciate them. I realize they are my family heirlooms, but I’m a grandchild of German WWII refugees to South America and have enough family history weight on my shoulders to not want to deal with the actual stuff on three continents.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah dude after that South Park episode I looked em up and some of the rare ones are worth quite a bit. I guess it’s like the grandmother version of collecting baseball cards or comic books.

        Like

      3. Seriously doubt mine are of the “rare” variety. Looked some of them up and there are not enough that are $40 or more to hassle with selling and packing and shipping. I’d rather pass them on to friends who truly are into this stuff.
        Yay.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I get it Buddy is gonna be a pirate no doubt a grand one, SOME readers are going to recover from the cardiac arrest you put them through reading your post….NOT ME…I KNOW YOU’D NEVER DO SUCH A THING!! BUT DID YOU CONSIDER HOW PUSS IN BOOTS WILL REACT TO BUDDY INVADING HIS TERRITORY (after all he is globally known as The Ultimate Buccaneer) …be warned my friend 😊😊❤

    Liked by 1 person

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