Tag: human servants

Point/Counterpoint: ‘Schedules Are For Squares’ vs ‘My Meals Must Be Served Precisely On Schedule!’

Schedules Are For Squares

buddycolumnSchedule? What are you talking about, human?

I’m a cat. Time means nothing to me. If I want to pass the days curled up in a ball snoozing contentedly, or run around like a possessed kitten while yowling at 4 am, I will. I do what I want.

Try not to get so hung up on things like schedules. The question of whether time flows like a river or exists as discreet quanta is one for the physicists and philosophers. Hakuna Katana, my friend. It means “No worries” in Japanese.

Let yourself get crazy. Bring out the laser laser and let the catnip and snacks flow freely. I’ll just hide your phone and your watch so we can enjoy ourselves.

My Meals Must Be Served Precisely On Schedule!

buddycolumnI knew it! I knew when the clock struck 3:57 pm and you still weren’t moving that my dinner would be late. I tried to warn you by shrieking at you at 20-second intervals, but to no avail.

I have to be honest, I just don’t see the urgency or effort on your part, and that concerns me. We have an agreement that two bowls — one with fresh water and the other with yummy wet food — will be set down in my eating nook no later than 4 pm. Not 4:33 or 4:17 or even 4:02.

FOUR O’CLOCK.

You may not think observing a strict yums schedule is important, but it is.

My body is a fine-tuned machine, human. I didn’t get this tigeresque physique by playing fast and loose with the rules, or by delaying the ingestion of crucial proteins and nutrients.

Do better.

Point-Counterpoint presents two essays taking opposing positions on a topic. Join us next week, when Buddy the Cat will debate Buddy the Cat on another important topic.

Point/Counterpoint: ‘Disrupting My Sleep Is Really Rude!’ vs ‘Is It Not Reasonable To Walk On Your Face While You’re Sleeping?’

Disrupting My Sleep Is Really Rude! by Buddy the Cat, columnist.

buddycolumnHey! Not cool, dude! I was sleeping and you woke me up by sitting on the other side of the couch! And yesterday I was napping on your keyboard, trying to make up sleep after only getting 12 hours the day before, when you picked me up and placed me on your bed, mumbling some sort of lame apology about how you have to do “work.”

Is it too much to ask for a little consideration around here? Is it too much to ask that you put off nature’s call for a mere three or four hours when I fall asleep in your lap? I’m not asking for much!

The next time you’re tempted to disturb my beauty rest, ask yourself how you’d feel if I did the same thing to you!

catface

Is It Not Reasonable To Walk On Your Face While You Sleep? by Buddy the Cat, columnist

buddycolumnWhat? Why are you being so dramatic? So I walked on your face and screeched into your ear. What’s the big deal?

I was hungry. I wanted breakfast. The whims of my appetite must always come before your “need” for sleep.

I don’t know if you realize this, human, but you are very comfortable to lounge, sleep, walk and bounce on. I find my creative powers are heightened to their utmost when I’m laying on top of you, keeping you locked into an uncomfortable position while you’re willing to allow your limbs to fall asleep for my comfort.

Is that not the crux of our relationship, anyway? You feed me, take care of me, groom me, entertain me and pick up after me, in exchange for being in my delightful company, yes? It could be argued that allowing me to sleep on you and walk on your face is but a basic part of your duties as a servant.

Now let us discuss the idea of a turkey dispenser next to your my bed…

Point-Counterpoint presents two essays taking opposing positions on a topic. Join us again next week, when Buddy the Cat will debate Buddy the Cat on another important topic.

Point/Counterpoint: ‘Breakfast Comes First!’ vs ‘You Don’t Need To Eat Breakfast Right Away!’

Breakfast Comes First! by Buddy the Cat, columnist

buddycolumnThey say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, the meal that sets the tone for the rest of the day and gives us the energy we need for important tasks like napping and lounging in the sun.

Sure, I have a bowl full of dry food available if I get hungry overnight and sure, you put down fresh water for me right before going to bed. But that’s not breakfast!

That’s why there should be no dilly-dallying: Before you use the bathroom, before you get the coffee brewing, you should serve me breakfast! In our shared morning routine, human, my breakfast comes first in order of priority.

No exceptions!

You Don’t Need To Eat Breakfast Right Away! by Buddy the Cat, columnist

buddycolumnDid you know there are major health benefits to delaying your breakfast?

That’s right, human! You might think that you need to eat when you wake up in the morning. Your stomach might grumble, reminding you that you haven’t eaten in 10 or 12 hours. You might even smell a neighbor cooking bacon and eggs.

Breakfast-schmekfast! Ignore it!

Humans who delay their breakfast by at least 15 minutes to do other important tasks — like feeding breakfast to their beloved cats — have on average 31 percent more energy and feel more satisfied throughout the day, according to the Buddy Institute for Convenient Statistics.

By delaying your breakfast in order to feed me first, you’re not doing me a favor, you’re doing yourself a favor! In fact, you’re starting the day off right by burning calories as you bring my breakfast to my dining nook and serve me.

Do the right thing: Serve me breakfast first!

Point-Counterpoint presents two essays taking opposing positions on a topic. Join us next week, when Buddy the Cat will debate Buddy the Cat on another important topic.

 

Buddy Quarantines His Human After Learning Cats Can Get COVID

NEW YORK — Citing a recent article about the possibility of humans infecting their pet cats with Coronavirus, Buddy the Cat took the extraordinary step of quarantining his human, sources said.

The tabby cat, who is normally infamous for his deep loathing of barriers, had constructed an elaborate series of intra-apartmental checkpoints and procedures designed to keep him separate from his human, Big Buddy.

Under the new procedures, Big Buddy was banned from his own bedroom and had his snuggling privileges revoked.

“I just can’t take the chance, especially not with this Omicron variant infecting everyone,” Buddy said of his decision. “It’s not just about getting sick. Did you know sometimes COVID destroys your sense of taste and smell? It’s true! What life is worth living if you can’t taste every delicious morsel of turkey, if you can’t savor the aroma of dirty socks?”

As of Friday, the cautious cat had placed ads on Craigslist and other local sites.

“Seeking Temporary Servant,” the ad reads. “Must serve my meals, clean my poops, feed me snacks, allow me to sleep on you, and give me massages while telling me what a good boy I am. Applicants must agree I am a very handsome cat, and you will be expected to write a short essay about why you’re excited to serve me. THIS IS NOT AN ENTRY LEVEL POSITION. Experienced cat servants only!!!”

Cat in mask
“Back away, human, and return to your designated quarantine zone!”

The new quarantine measures mark the second time Buddy has taken drastic action in response to fears about COVID. The silver tabby constructed an air tight, clinically sealed dome around his food and water bowls in November after three snow leopards at a Nebraska zoo fell ill and died from the virus.

A second, larger dome meant to encapsulate his human’s his bed was under construction when Buddy was convinced to delay his plans for the holidays in order to spend time with friends and family. Now construction on the bubble has resumed.

Pharmacy techs at CVS refused to vaccinate the domestic shorthair after he showed up for an appointment in early January. A spokesman for the pharmacy chain said the vaccines were not FDA approved for cats, and Buddy isn’t as smart as he thinks he is.

Meanwhile, efforts to get Big Buddy to secure a dose for Buddy have been fruitless.

“I’m not asking much,” Buddy said. “All I want him to do is steal a vaccine from a highly secure area, educate himself on how to inject me, calculate an appropriate dose for my species and body weight, and give me the jab. How hard is that?”

Little Kitty, Big City: Play As A Cat In Tokyo

It looks like 2022 is going to be a banner year for the fledgling “play as a cat” genre of video games.

There’s the long-awaited adventure game Stray, slated for early next year, in which the player is an orange tabby navigating an eerie future Hong Kong with heavy cyberpunk vibes. Then there’s Peace Island, an open world mystery game that gives players the choice to switch between nine different cats who are tasked with finding out what happened to their humans and all the other people who have suddenly vanished.

Now there’s a third feline-centric game in the mix: Little Kitty, Big City, which offers players the chance to adventure as a playful black cat with bright green eyes. The goal of Little Kitty, Big City is to help the title kitty find its way home, but as the trailer below repeatedly points out, cats tend to get side tracked:

One thing that stands out immediately is the art style. Stray is all dark urban environs drenched in neon, with neighborhoods inspired by Hong Kong’s former Kowloon Walled City. The title cat is determined, resourceful and adept at navigating dangerous situations, with a big part of the game’s focus not only on achieving goals, but achieving them the way a cat would.

Peace Island occupies a halfway point between Stray’s hi-fidelity noir realism and Little Kitty’s polygonal pastels. The titular island is picturesque and the game emphasizes beautiful sunsets, heavy undergrowth and local animal life. The environment itself is a character of sorts, as the players will have to mine their surroundings for clues about the missing people.

By contrast, Little Kitty, Big City offers us a heavily stylized Japanese metropolis with blue skies, bright colors and a whimsical narrative. The feline protagonist has a goal, but there are also so many boxes to explore, so many trash cans that might yield yums, and yes, plenty of laptops to sit on during grooming sessions. There aren’t mysteries to solve or enemies to watch out for, just a journey that rewards the player for doing what a cat does.

The game’s creators write:

“You’re a curious little kitty with a big personality, on an adventure to find your way back home. Explore the city, make new friends, wear delightful hats, and leave more than a little chaos in your wake. After all, isn’t that what cats do best?”

Above: Stray leans heavily into the cyberpunk aesthetic with Bladerunneresque visuals in a futuristic city.

Above: The cats of Peace Island investigate their eerily quiet home town as they piece together the mystery of the missing humans.

Stray was originally slated for late 2021, but has been pushed back to early 2022. Delays in the video game industry aren’t unusual, and as many publishers have learned the hard way, rushing to release a buggy, unfinished game is always a mistake.

Peace Island doesn’t have a release date yet, and as for Little Kitty, Big City, its Steam page simply says: “Planned release date: Cats don’t have deadlines.”