fiction – Pain In The Bud

Despite Household Ban On Teleporting, Buddy The Cat Enjoys Tormenting His Human With The Ability

“I could tell his brain was fried! LOL!” Little Buddy the Cat said of his human’s inability to reconcile the feline’s mastery over space and time.

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat lounged on his back right in the middle of the doorway, making sure his human saw him.

“I did the ‘Meep meep, I’m just a cute kitty cat’ thing, you know?” Buddy explained. “Like I’m so innocently dumb I don’t realize it’s a terrible place to laze around.”

His human, Big Buddy, took an exaggerated stride over him, saying “Bud, you really need to stop …” then looked up.

The feline was 15 feet away and sitting on top of a table, head slightly tilted in amusement as his eyes tracked the confounded human.

“Then I watched him look down at where I was a second ago, then back up at me, and I could tell his brain was fried LOL!” the feline said.

Teleporting is technically banned in Casa de Buddy, but the feline has ignored the ban since he was a kitten. The key, he said, is to “use the ability sparingly, so you drive your human slowly insane as they begin to question reality.”

“It’s so much fun!”

Little known fact: felines have the unique ability to manipulate space-time, which they use primarily to extend their napping hours.

Although human scientists and most members of the species deny the feline ability to teleport, Buddy said it’s actually rather simple to manipulate space-time.

“I just kind of scrunch up my face, try to clear my mind of stuff I normally think about — turkey, being really handsome, turkey — and picture the spot in my head,” he explained. “Then I blink and boom! I’m in a new spot!”

His personal record, he claims, was traveling more than 700 feet when he accidentally teleported himself to the roof of a nearby building after hearing its resident female in heat.

“You know, it was such a charming sound,” Buddy recalled, “but once I teleported there, I didn’t know what to do.”

“A reader suggested it was because I didn’t have Testicles, but I didn’t have Pericles or Socrates either,” Buddy mused. “I’m not sure why I would have needed some old Greek guy. Did the ancient Greeks teleport too?”

A statue of Athenian statesman Pericles. It was suggested to Little Buddy the Cat that he didn’t know what to do when encountering a female in heat because he did not bring any ancient Greeks with him.

The tabby cat said he plans to wait a few days until his human forgets about the teleporting incident, then teleport himself into the passenger seat of the car when Big Buddy is about to drive somewhere.

“I’m thinking of saying ‘Don’t forget your seat belt, mister!’ or something simple like ‘So where are we headed, pal?”” Buddy said. “Haha, he’s gonna freak out!”

Little Buddy the Cat initiating his teleport sequence.

Buddy The Cat’s Weekly Horoscopes: 6/1/2026

The internet’s only horoscope read by a cat!

Aries: Although you’re already considered really, really ridiculously good-looking, your handsomeness will increase by 11.72%. An unexpected visitor could come knocking on your door. Will they bring trouble, or an array of brand new boxes? It’s up to you to manifest the result!

Taurus: Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? Go ahead and take that nap, and another. You may find yourself switching napping spots, but your human’s lap is always a classic. It’s warm, comfortable, secure, and your human can’t go anywhere without you knowing about it.

Gemini: Prepare yourself for a particularly delicious week! New yums are on the horizon, my friend, and if you play your cards right, you’ll feast on this newfound bounty. Make sure you tell your human he or she has served you well. Our inferiors need a little encouragement now and then. Meanwhile you contemplate a new hairstyle. Should you go with a daring new look or keep things simple? The answer is yes.

Cancer: You know the annoying neighbor cat, the one who’s always bragging about his luxury condo, fancy window ledge and abundance of toys? His humans are going to adopt a dog. LOL!

Leo: You’ll feel particularly appreciated and honored when the local delicatessen names a magnificent sandwich after you. Your social group may seem a little boring lately, but the arrival of exciting new cats could shake things up.

Virgo: You may be feeling down on your luck of late, but all that’s about to change when you discover Colonel Sanders’ secret recipe with all 11 herbs and spices! You can earn a tidy sum by settling with KFC and agreeing to keep this sacred knowledge hidden, or you could go public with the recipe and become a celebrated hero. The choice is yours.

Libra: You feel it’s time to do some interior redecorating but your humans disagree. Ignore them. A long-lost friend may try to get in touch. Reestablishing the relationship could yield many benefits, but could also disrupt your nap schedule. Tread carefully.

Scorpio: The sudden emergence of a powerful citrus scent in your domicile threatens to drive you to the brink of madness. You must race against time to find the source of this vile olfactory intruder before it’s too late. Steel yourself: as old enemies return, it’s crucial that you keep your claws sharp!

Sagittarius: You may feel as if luck has abandoned you, but don’t fret! Statistics show 97% of gamblers quit right before the big payout! All you have to do is make one more wager…

Capricorn: Your fortunes could change rapidly when an attorney informs you a long-lost relative named you as the sole beneficiary of their will! Your joy will be short-lived, however, when you realize 50 million rubles is equal to about $17.32. But cheer up! That’ll keep you in snacks for a while!

Aquarius: How many of these stupid signs are there? What? My mic is on? Oh crap… My editors say I’m not including enough mystical stuff, so uh, this month will bring you news from the Second Chamber of Eternity, where stars shimmer like opalescent lilies in the lake of the palace of the celestial maidens. Then it, uh, circumnavigated Saturn like debris on its accretion disk until arriving in your life in the form of mystical stardust. Also, you will discover a delicious new form of cheese.

Pisces: If a spectral figure appears to you inside your litter box, it would be wise to listen to what it has to say. You will be faced with a daunting challenge this week as you find several interior doors closed, culminating in your human using the bathroom without you. Don’t read too much into it. You’re still best pals, and soon you’ll discover riding in a baby bjorn is a great way to experience the outdoors!

Tune in next week when Buddy the Cat will probably offer new horoscopes. For entertainment purposes only. Buddy does not guarantee that you’ll discover a delicious new kind of cheese.

Buddy The Cat Bravely Scares Off Yuge Bear!

“Hold my beer,” Buddy said after watching a video of another feline sending a pair of bears running with an awesome display of fiery intimidation.

NEW YORK — The bear picked the wrong home and the wrong cat to mess with.

Buddy the Cat was taking his traditional 3 pm nap after third lunch when he was rudely disturbed by a ruckus outside.

“Stay here, I will check it out,” he told his human, then hopped down from the couch as his powerful stride took him toward the sliding glass doors leading out to the balcony.

A huge form was huddled just outside the glass, and when the lumbering beast turned, Buddy took a sharp breath. It was a bear, a particularly impressive specimen.

Lesser felines would have been terrified, but Buddy stood calmly before the bear and addressed it.

“Inferior animal,” the fearless feline announced. “Yes, you! You are trespassing on Buddesian territory. I order you to cease any and all ursine activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or the nearest convenient parallel dimension!”

“What are you doing?!” a terrified Big Buddy whispered.

Buddy turned toward his human. “It’s from Ghostbusters. Calm down, I know what I’m doing.”

The bear yawned and let out a deep, rumbling moan.

The bear flinches as Buddy unleashes a terrifying roar!

“I can see I’m not dealing with the sharpest claw on the paw,” Buddy said. “Okay, bear, do you understand this?”

Buddy eased back on his haunches and raised two powerful forelimbs, his considerable meowscles rippling meowscularly beneath the luxurious sheen of his silver fur.

The bear watched warily, then flinched instinctively as the intimidating feline launched a sequence of aggressive and powerful paw strikes. The ursine beast recoiled from the thunderous impacts of paws against glass, reconsidering its position in the face of such a formidable display of force.

The massive creature turned in retreat, casting one last fearful glance at the Herculean felid before beating a hasty retreat.

Once he was satisfied the bear was gone, Buddy turned and sauntered back toward the couch, lifting himself onto it in a single graceful leap.

“And that,” the handsome silver feline said, “is how you deal with a bear.”

Two Thirds Of Cats Sleep On Their Left Side: Why?, PLUS: Aubrey Plaza’s Cat Comedy Premieres In April

Cats spend most of their time sleeping, which leaves them in a vulnerable position.

Aubrey Plaza is delightfully weird.

Anyone who’s seen her on a late night talk show or in an impromptu interview knows what I’m talking about. Instead of the practiced, carefully crafted anecdotes celebrities tell to make themselves seem more interesting, or the hard focus on promoting a particular project, Plaza seems to revel in awkward pauses, bizarre responses and stories that most people would never tell about themselves.

She does it all with a deadpan expression so you can never quite tell if she’s joking. That’s part of the fun.

I hadn’t seen her in much until Emily the Criminal, about a woman whose frustration at trying to make ends meet with dead-end jobs leads her down a highly illegal path, revealing a talent for deception she never knew she had.

Now she’s starring in Kevin, an animated show about an eponymous tuxedo cat who decides that when his humans break up, he’s going to break up with them too. Instead of going with one of them, Kevin decides to move “into a local pet rescue in Astoria, Queens, where a band of misfit animals helps him discover what he truly wants out of life,” according to the series’ logline.

Plaza co-created the series with Joe Wengert, and Jason Schwartzmann, who we loved in Bored To Death, will voice Kevin. The show will premiere on April 20 on Prime Video.

Cats prefer sleeping on their left side, but why?

Two out of three cats prefer sleeping on their left side, which immediately raises two questions: why do they prefer sleeping that way, and how do we know such a seemingly obscure piece of information?

In 2025, a team of scientists from Italy and Germany analyzed more than 400 random online videos of our furry overlords in their rest state, and the numbers were consistent. Cats definitely have a preferred side to sleep on, and it’s the left.

As for why, in a research paper published in Current Biology last summer, the scientists say there are several reasons, but the primary one is that the right side of the brain processes shapes and visual sensory input.

Since the right hemisphere of the brain controls the left side of the body in mammals, due to the way nerve fibers cross at the base of the brain, a cat opening its eyes and seeing the world from the left side is able to more quickly assess information and react.

That’s a pretty big deal for cats, as a story in Science Focus notes. As both predator and prey, felines have to respond quickly not only to potential threats, but also potential lunch.

That is especially true for a species that spends the majority of its time sleeping deeply or napping, meaning they’re physically vulnerable to attack most of the time. That explains why our cats are able to spring to alertness immediately from a nap, and why their most restful sleep comes when they’re absolutely sure they’re safe.

Anecdotally, that makes sense. Bud clearly feels safest when he sleeps on me or burrows between my knees, and it’s subsequently harder to rouse him from slumber compared to, say, when he catches some Zs on the couch by himself or retreats to another favorite napping spot.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, he also bucks the trend and likes to sleep on his right side. We are, after all, talking about a cat who still hasn’t figured out that wand toy games simulate hunting, and that they should end with a “kill bite” rather than Bud’s favored method, which is bouncing happily on his back paws while bobbling the toy in his front paws.

He may have the instincts of his wild ancestors, but all he knows is the comfort and warmth of human homes.

Critics Rave About ‘Alien’ Reboot Starring Buddy The Cat!

A reboot of the iconic scifi-horror film upends the balance of power, placing the feline at the very top where he should be.

The long-anticipated Alien reboot starring Buddy the Cat hit theaters this weekend with audiences flocking to see the modernized classic after effusive praise from critics.

Featuring the new tag line “In space no one can hear you scream — unless you’ve got Buddy on your side,” the reboot reimagines the science fiction-horror classic as a cautionary tale about messing with cats.

“While the original built tension over almost two hours and inspired an overwhelming feeling of dread in viewers, the new Alien clocks in at just 28 minutes and ends right after the iconic chestburster scene,” critic Ferdinand Lyle wrote. “Instead of screeching into the shadows of the ship to commence its turbocharged metabolic processes, only to emerge later as a fully formed creature who terrorizes the crew, this alien is immediately caught by Buddy, who delivers a swift kill bite and deposits it in front of the humans. They reward him with a chorus of ‘Good boy!’ and rub his head while plying him with snacks, and the credits roll. Now that’s efficient storytelling!”

The Alien 👽 was no match for Buddy, who woke from a nap to dispatch the creature with brutal efficiency.

The new version is “the ultimate FAFO flick,” raved the AP’s Misty Lemire.

“The central message here is ‘Don’t tangle with Buddy.’ The apex predator of the cosmos is no match for the apex predator of Earth.”

Other critics were enamored with a post-credits dance scene featuring Buddy, the crew of the Nostromo and dozens of face-huggers who fly through the air, forcing the cast to bust impressive dance moves to avoid the dangerous creatures. At one point Buddy launches into a breakdance routine. The actress who plays Ripley wags a finger at a xenomorph and declares “You just got served!”

“It’s clever, light and wildly entertaining,” one critic wrote. “Buddy’s got some magnificent dance moves!”

Others praised Buddy for his impressive physique. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Buddy said he’d been training non-stop for eight months for the role, eating a high-protein diet and spending five hours a day napping in the gym to accentuate his meowsculature.

“The effort paid off big time,” a review from Calico Critics noted. “Buddy looks more ripped and impressive than he ever has, and he was already competing against a high bar he set during his previous films.”

In the post-credits dance scene, Buddy and the Nostromo crew perform a synchronized routine while dodging facehuggers.

However, not everyone was impressed. Reached this weekend at his New Zealand bunker, where he’s fled “until America isn’t annoying anymore,” director James Cameron called the Alien reboot “derivative, low-calorie cinema junk.”

“Remember when I had characters saying ‘Hasta la vista’ and ‘Adios, muchachos’? That was really cool. I was one bad hombre,” Cameron said. “Audiences might think this is a good film, but that’s because they haven’t seen the wonders of Avatar XVII yet. Just wait, it’s gonna be awesome. And there are no cats.”