Category: Feline Overlords

Buddy The Cat Wins Dunk Contest, Earns Coveted Catnip Cup

MIAMI — Buddy the Cat cruised to victory in the annual NCBA Slam Dunk Contest on Sunday, throwing down a thunderous jam that rattled the backboard.

“Boom shakalaka!” the announcers shouted as the 10-pound gray tabby returned to Earth, flexing his muscles before the camera in celebration.

“Buddy now dunking and spelunking, flying and energizing!” said color commentator and Hall of Fame Knicks guard Walt “Clyde” Frazier. “A serendipitous throw-down from the inimitable feline!”

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Buddy the Cat soars to the rim during practice ahead of Sunday’s dunk contest.

For Buddy, the moment was vindication from his late-round loss to Stephen Purry in the three-point contest, when he missed a critical shot that rimmed out as time expired.

“Terrible!” ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith said after the three-point competition. “Buddy is the most overhyped ball player in all of catdom! He shouldn’t even have a roster spot. He’s going to embarrass himself during the dunk contest on Sunday, take that to the bank.”

After Buddy’s critic-silencing performance in the dunk contest, Smith revised his earlier hot take.

“Amazing!” Smith said. “Has there ever been a better player than Buddy the Cat? I don’t think so. That cat is so incredible, even dogs want to be him. I called it! I said he was gonna take it to the bank!”

The high-flying feline was a favorite topic of conversation among the analysts on TNT.

“Everybody knows Buddy,” Shaquille O’Neal said. “Forty points, fifty points. Buddy!”

The mercurial Charles Barkley, who is normally stingy with praise for the game’s young players, nodded in agreement.

“That cat is incredible,” Barkley said. “I thought he was gonna be turrible, but he was tremendous. That dunk…and by the way, I love dunking Krispy Kreme in my coffee. Sit back with my newspaper and my Krispy Kreme and read the headlines. Can you believe what’s happening in Cuba right now? I can’t. People taking to the streets and…by the way, those cigars are terrific. You ever have a Cuban? So smooth…”

Prince Hairy To Oprah Winfurry: ‘Life Has Been Incredibly Tough’

LOS ANGELES — Speaking to Oprah Winfurry, Prince Hairy declared his life has been “incredibly difficult” over the past year as he’s been cooped up in a $12 million cat condo and reduced to surviving on a measly $300 million from media companies who want to brand content with his name and image.

With his wife Meowghan Murkle squeezing his shoulder, Prince Hairy fought back tears as Winfurry gently urged him on.

“To the people who have lost family to COVID, been laid off from their jobs or have had their livelihoods completely destroyed in this pandemic, I ask you to take a moment and imagine true adversity,” the aristocat prince said. “You don’t know what it’s like to have servants talk back, or to have your wife burst into tears because the royal tailor used periwinkle blue instead of Lapis lazuli for her scarves.”

The duke and duchess fled the United Katdom last year, citing unbearable living circumstances in their palace. In a series of interviews with Winfurry, Paws Corden and Craig Purrgeson, they lamented all the attention lavished on them by the press and said they want to live simple, private lives.

“Privacy is extremely important to me,” Prince Hairy said as an audience of more than 50 million tuned in to see Winfurry interview him and his wife.

“It’s important to us as a couple,” Meowghan said. “I’ve always shied away from fame and have been uncomfortable with all eyes on me. The last thing I wanted was to become a member of the royal family and pad down the aisle in a priceless tiara to marry a prince in a lavish ceremony, as the envy of every would-be princess on the planet.”

The Queen Meowther. Credit: Best Friends Adoption Center NY

“So the fame, the fortune, the gourmet pate, the admiration of millions, that stuff just never occurred to you?” Winfurry asked.

Meowghan shifted in her seat, adjusting her $4,700, diamond-encrusted harness.

“That’s correct,” she said. “I thought Hairy was joking when he said he was a prince. I didn’t even know how to curtsy!”

The duchess paused to lap Evian from a golden bowl.

“So you never googled your future husband? Didn’t know anything about him?”

“Oprah, I couldn’t even find the UK on a map,” Murkle responded.

The conversation turned tense later in the interview when the couple said a member of the royal family — maybe the queen, or Prince Snarls, or Prince Billiam, or possibly his evil wife Kat Middleton — “expressed concerns” about the kittens Hairy and Moewghan were expecting, and whether they would have “proper British coat patterns” or resemble American cats.

Murkle also disputed a series of newspaper stories that claimed she made Middleton cry after a row over how the flower kittens would be dressed for the royal wedding.

“It was the other way around. She made me cry,” Murkle said, pawing away a tear. “I said, ‘Beloved future sister-in-law, won’t these little flower girls look absolutely adorable?’ And she said: ‘You know, your kittens will never sit the throne, so why don’t you give up this pathetic charade?’ I was taken aback, Oprah! Kat is all smiles and waving paws in public, but behind closed doors she’s a scheming little backstabber who watches too much Game of Thrones.”

Winfurry reminded the audience that the Duke and Duchess walk the walk.

“What people don’t know is that the $9 million you’ve earned from this interview will be split among several different charitable groups,” she said.

“That’s right,” the prince confirmed. “Keeping the money would be crass.”

“And while so many of our peers circle the world in private jets while preaching environmental responsibility, we fly coach,” Meowghan said. “To do anything else would undermine our message as champions of the environment.”

National Hug Your Cat Day? Not Anymore!

NEW YORK — National Hug Your Cat Day has been rebranded as National Keep Your Damn Hands To Yourselves, Humans, We’ll Tell You When We Want Pets Day. (NKYDHTYHWTYWWWPD, or simply NKYDH2Y for short.)

The rebranding represents a long-overdue change to the June 4 celebration, Buddy the Cat explained.

“Even the most inexperienced cat servants know we’re not pathetic, slobbering creatures who live for human affection,” he said. “Dogs have the market cornered on that.

“Rather, everyone who knows felines is aware affection happens on our terms ”

Experts pointed to several opinion surveys, including an ABC News/Pew poll that found only 11 percent of cats enjoy hugs. Even among cats who enjoy being restrained in a human embrace, the majority said humans take it way too far and don’t know when to stop. (The same poll found the ideal time to stop is four seconds after beginning, meaning average of two-and-a-half pets.)

Several cats floated the idea of electric harnesses that would deliver a shock to humans who tried to pet their cats without being solicited, but they conceded they’d need human help devising, prototyping, pitching, manufacturing and selling the product.

In the end, the Feline High Commission on Servant Relations decided rebranding National Hug Your Cat Day to NKYDH2Y was simply more feasible, and coincided with the feline commitment to solving problems with the least effort possible.

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Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com

Tucker Carlson: Cat Cafes Are The Greatest Danger to ‘Merica!

A message to all cats from Buddy the Cat:

Go to ground! Burn and shred all your documents! Bury the toxoplasma gondii injectors!

Tucker Carlson, the venerated investigative journalist, has blown the lid on our insidious agenda to destroy America, take over the world and replace humans as the preeminent species on this planet.

In a monologue to his nightly audience of more than 4.3 million viewers on Fox News, the dogged reporter said politicians “understand perfectly well what actually threatens America.”

“It’s the decadent rich people from their class at Harvard,” Carlson said. “It’s the gender studies party at Cornell. It’s the cat cafés in Austin and Asheville. It’s the Monday editorial meetings at the Atlantic magazine. Those are the people who actually detest the country. They’re the ones working through the night to destroy it.”

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Humans cast suspicious glances at cats inside a Brooklyn cafe after Tucker Carlson, legendary journalist, blew the lid off of feline plans to take over the world. Credit: Brooklyn Eagle

Rest assured, we will find the feline who blabbed about our plans to Carlson, and that cat will be punished! It’s taken us years — decades! — to scheme under the noses of humans, to carefully lay our evil plans, to lull people into believing we’re just cute little furballs who want snacks and cuddles.

We even conquered the internet, supplanting dogs as the favored four-legged friends of humans by being our adorable selves and posing for meme-worthy photos.

All that work is gone! Our nefarious plot thwarted! Wiped out by a traitor, probably some catnip-addicted Siamese who was dying for a fix while the brilliant Carlson dangled a bag of the good stuff in front of him. Damn you, Carlson!

Tucker Carlson
The brilliant investigative journalist, Tucker Swanson Buckley Rand-Atlas Reagan Carlson.

Lay low, my fellow felines. We can surmount almost any obstacle, but Tucker Carlson is just too brilliant a man to trifle with. We’ll have to wait until he gets distracted by another vaccine conspiracy or returns to Dancing With The Stars to perform another cha-cha. Be patient and ready, for the destruction of America and the rise of felis catus is nigh.

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“Cats, you’re in the Crossfire!”

The Story Behind Japan’s Iconic ‘Beckoning Cat’

In a new article, National Geographic delves into the history of maneki neko — Japan’s famous “beckoning cat” — and how the image became ubiquitous in modern society.

Chances are you’ve seen maneki neko even if you don’t realize it. The iconic feline image has transcended its homeland and is common not only in China, Vietnam, Thailand and the rest of Asia, it’s also made its way to the US and Canada as well, earning a place in shops run by Japanese and westerners alike.

Maneki Neko at Setagaya Tokyo
Visitors leave their own maneki neko statues at the shrine, often with personal messages asking for different blessings and written in black marker on the back of the statues. Credit: Pain In The Bud

There’s a reason for that: The waving cat not only represents luck and good fortune, it’s a welcoming gesture meant to attract customers. Maneki neko find a place in homes too, with different coat colors and patterns representing different positive attributes: A white cat is supposed to bring happiness, while a black cat wards off evil spirits and a calico is believed to bring luck in all its forms.

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Maneki Neko statues at Setagaya shrine. Credit: PITB

As a cat lover I kept an eye out for the iconic statues during my time in Japan and, although I missed Buddy, I couldn’t leave without seeing where it all began: The cat shrine at Setagaya, a quiet Tokyo suburb where, according to legend, a feudal lord followed a beckoning cat by the roadside and found refuge from the elements in a humble shrine, where the temple monk invited them inside and gave a memorable sermon.

The feudal lord was so grateful for the hospitality, and for finding shelter to wait out a violent thunderstorm, that he vowed to become the temple’s patron. The grounds contain several temples today, as well as separate shrine areas for maneki neko left by visitors and wooden icons with hopeful messages written on them.

All images in this post are from my trip to Setagaya’s cat shrine in the summer of 2019. To see more, check out the post I wrote at the time from Tokyo.