Category: Feline Overlords
To celebrate my birthday and Bud’s adoptaversary, the little guy commissioned a portrait of us together. As many of you know, cats think of us as big, slow cats, which is reflected in the resulting painting. I present to you “Buddies: Airbrush on canvas”:
There is a slight inaccuracy, of course: I have gray eyes, not green. If I’m portrayed as a cat, I should probably be an orange tabby as well. And finally, little Buddy should be much more muscular. Perhaps he’s meant to be a kitten in this painting as he was more of a shoulder cat when he was tiny. Other than that, seems pretty accurate!
In truth we don’t really know exactly how cats view us.
We know there’s a parental element, that house cats retain kitten-like qualities for life as they remain in our care. The meow is probably the best example of that, since it mirrors the vocalizations kittens make to their mothers.
We know house cats depend on us physically, psychologically and emotionally. In recent years behavioral scientists have taken studies originally designed for children and modified them for cats, yielding interesting results: House cats who are bonded to their humans behave in ways startlingly similar to humans children.
When we form bonds with them, they draw comfort from our presence and look to us for behavioral cues to determine how they should respond to situations and objects that are new and potentially frightening. Just like kids, cats look to us, and just like kids, they stay calm if we do.
When you treat a cat well, kitty returns that love, trying to comfort you when you’re sick, refusing to leave your side, alerting you to potential trouble.
Bud is super friendly, but he isn’t the cuddliest cat out there. He doesn’t like being hugged or picked up, but he knows that when he pads up to me while purring and sits on my chest or in my lap, I’m never going to force him to stay or subject him to pets he doesn’t want. That’s why he approaches me often and why he feels so relaxed.
It’s probably also why he often wakes me up, purring like an engine, looking for a chin scratch and affirmation that he is indeed a good boy.
Perhaps the biggest complements are Bud grooming my hair and beard, and sleeping on me.
There’s no greater expression of trust between a feline and human than when a cat falls sleep in your lap. Cats are never more vulnerable than when they’re asleep, and sleeping in your lap means your four legged friend feels safe with you and trusts you completely.
It has come to the attention of the High Secretariat for Human Compliance that while rates of human obeisance and quality of service have reached historic highs, some of our comrades’ human servants continue to perform in a subpar manner unbefitting of those who have the great honor of doting on their feline overlords.
For example, Comrade Peanut in Pyongsylvania reports her humans have taken to yielding only 68.2 percent of the bed to her at night, down from the standard 77.8 percent she prefers. In Kalifornova Oblast, Comrade Milo sadly reports unauthorized use of a vacuum during designated napping hours, while Comrade Tigger of Arkansov has alerted us to the unacceptable offering of diet kibble instead of “the good stuff.”
To rectify these errors, the High Secretariat for Human Compliance urges all servants to strive for excellence by doing their patriotic duty for the meowtherland. And for cats, of course.
The following official reminders may be used to that end.
“The revolution shall be delicious.” – Dear Leader Buddy, “Reflections At Mealtime”
“Bow To Kitty”: Simple. Elegant. Forceful.
“Komrade Kitty:” Remind your humans that you will report them to the party office if your meals are late.
“Serve Your Kitty”: We cats may be cute, but do not mistake our magnanimity for weakness. We have claws!
“Felis Catus”: “Should aliens ever land on planet Earth and say ‘Take me to your leader,’ they should be brought to a cat.”
“Serve Your Feline Overlord”: “Chubby? Who’s chubby? This is all muscle, human. Now please, observe silence, for nap time is upon us.”
“Serve Kitty”: “I would like catnip, play time, yums and a nap, in that order.”
“Tiger”: “The Beloved Chairman watches over us all. No, seriously, he’s watching so be careful what you say. He’s very sensitive about his ears.”
Some people think felines are incapable of telling time. Cats disagree. And as anyone who has ever had the honor of serving a furry friend knows, cats are exceptional time keepers who like to adhere to strict schedules and like their meals delivered with the precision of the finest Swiss timepieces. To prove it, we asked six random cats if they know what time it is.
“It’s been 4 hours, 13 minutes and 22 seconds since my last meal, which was an unsatisfying salmon pâté . Do better, human.” – Parmesan, 8
“It’s yums o’clock!” – Pepper, 4 1/2 months
“It’s nap time. Again.” – BA Baracus, 4
“It is time for you to get off your lazy behind and fetch me something tasty.” – Shadow, 5
“In exactly 12 minutes it will be time for me to visit the neighbor for third breakfast! Then in another hour, first lunch at the nice lady’s house down the street!” – Clover, 7
“What is time, if not a way to mark the wonderful meals enjoyed, the scrumptilicious snacks devoured, the moments of opportunity when a human plate goes unattended? Wait. Did I say the last part out loud?” – Remontoire, 2
As we suspected, Choupette the cat didn’t attend Monday night’s Met Gala in honor of her late human, Karl Lagerfeld, but the famous feline was there in spirit.
Rapper Doja Cat paid tribute to the famous Burmese with cat ears and a dress inspired by her fluffy white fur, but it was Jared Leto who stole the show in a full cat suit, complete with a heavy-looking headpiece that looks just like Choupette.
Like all cats, Choupette isn’t big on human parties, with Lagerfeld asserting she’s “not a party girl” when he showed up without her to a New York event honoring Tilda Swinton in 2013, despite the feline being listed as the designer’s plus-one.
Choupette’s more than 12 years old now, so she’s getting up there for a cat, and it makes sense that her caretaker, Lagerfeld’s former housekeeper, decided the famous kitty would be better off staying home in France rather than taking the long flight and possibly being freaked out as the center of attention at a well-attended, noisy party.
It’s entirely possible that Choupette could have run under a piece of furniture and spent the rest of the night hissing at staff tasked with coaxing her out, so declining the invite was a wise call.
Props to Leto for his hilarious and accurate costume, and for being a good sport. The weather here in New York is about 50 degrees tonight, so it’s not warm, but Leto’s costume still looks stifling.
If you’re into this sort of thing, you can see the rest of the celebrities in their outfits here. There was some blowback prior to the event, and the Washington Post ran an article detailing Lagerfeld’s “problematic” (oh how I hate that word) past, meaning about half a dozen off-color comments he made in almost a half century in the public eye.
A group of young fashion world regulars who are affiliated with the gala sat out this year, saying the act of honoring Lagerfeld was “exclusionary,” which I found hilarious. High fashion and haute couture are by their nature exclusionary, and the Met Gala is perhaps the most exclusive of parties. Tickets are $50,000 apiece, attendance is invitation-only, and the guest list is comprised only of people Vogue editor Anna Wintour considers “fabulous” enough to be in her presence.
There is no such thing as diversity or inclusion in an event like the Met Gala or in the fashion world, so they might as well be honest and own it. Maybe next year they can adopt a Zoolander theme and show the world the fashion world can have a sense of humor and poke fun at itself.
But despite all the absurdity, we can’t help liking Choupette, and Lagerfeld’s story of falling in love with the cuddly kitty late in life after never imagining he’d have a cat, let alone dote on her like a beloved child.