Tag: fake news

Bud Celebrates 7,000th Frantic Meowing At Bathroom Door

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat celebrated a historic milestone on Wednesday, marking the 7,000th time he’s meowed frantically outside the bathroom door as his human, Big Buddy, used the facilities.

“Over the years I’ve really perfected my routine, yowling like a mad cat and scratching at the bathroom door with such urgency that you’d think there was a murderous psychopath walking menacingly toward me and sharpening his blades,” Buddy told reporters. “I’ve been blessed and honored to carry on this fine tradition since kittenhood, and to make sure my Big Buddy has not a moment of peace inside the human litterbox unless I’m in there too  In which case he doesn’t get peace anyway because, well, it’s fun to annoy him.”

The silver tabby explained that meowing outside a bathroom “is more of an art form than a science,” and claimed that not just any cat could meow as pitifully and frantically as he’s able to do.

“It takes a lot more practice and skill than you’d think,” he said. “You can’t just yowl and expect results. Sometimes you have to reach under the door frame so your human sees your little paws searching for reassurance as you cry. Sometimes you have to start your meows soft and build to a yowling crescendo. It’s powerful emotional manipulation and should be part of every cat’s repertoire.”

According to the Bureau of Buddy Statistics, the silver tabby spends approximately 48 seconds inside the bathroom, on average, before meowing to be let out again. In 37 percent of cases, he’s meowed his way into and out of the bathroom at least twice during a single session.

After a frustrating stretch of almost six days in which his human was away, Buddy was able to reach his milestone on Wednesday with the return of Big Buddy.

“I’d like to thank my human,” Buddy said. “Without him, none of this would be possible. Yeeeeeooooowwww!”

Buddy’s Nightmare Before Christmas!

NEW YORK — Big Buddy’s nieces must vacate the premises or all humans will feel the full wrath of Buddy, the tabby cat warned Tuesday.

The girls, ages 8 and 5, are “ordered to cease any and all activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension,” according to a notice filed on official Buddinese letterhead.

Witnesses reported the girls playing with Buddy’s wand toys, sitting in Buddy’s favorite spots, making noise louder than the agreed-on 70dB limit, and distracting Big Buddy resulting in an unthinkable 67-minute delay in serving Buddy’s dinner of beef pate.

“Poor Buddy was forced to retreat to the bedroom,” one source said. “How can he be expected to lounge comfortably when those chaotic, sugar-fueled miniature humans could come for his spot at any moment?”

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In this file photo from 2015, a young Buddy retreats to the platform atop his scratcher as a miniature humans approaches. This was also The Only Day Bud Wore A Collar.

Buddy “feels his kingship and control over his vast domain is threatened by the presence of the tiny humans,” the source added.

The day started innocently enough, with Buddy enthusiastically greeting Big Buddy’s brother, who works for the State Department and has been living overseas. Buddy, who was not told in advance of the festivities, immediately understood that Big Buddy’s brother was there to celebrate the holidays.

But all was not well.

After greeting BoBB (Brother of Big Buddy), the tabby cat was horrified to see the two little humans walk into the home, accompanied by BoBB’s wife, whom Buddy is indifferent to.

“I don’t think Buddy has figured out that BoBB is the father of the two girls,” another source said. “Certainly if he understood that, he would not greet BoBB as warmly as he has.”

As of press time, Buddy was giving Big Buddy the silent treatment.

“He won’t talk to his human,” the source said. “Not even a meow.”

Knighted By The Queen, Buddy Becomes Sir Buddy

LONDON – Call him sir!

Buddy the Cat was officially knighted on Friday during a ceremony at Buckingham Palace, granting him the title Knight of the British Empire and making him the most-honored cat in the Anglosphere since Able Seaman Simon, the decorated ship’s cat who was injured aboard the HMS Amethyst in 1949.

It’s unusual for an American to be knighted and unprecedented for a cat to be elevated to knighthood, but Buddy was honored “for his innumerable contributions to human-feline understanding, unprecedented innovations in the art of napping, and status as tastemaker supreme in the world of delicious snacks,” according to the Central Chancery of the Orders of Knighthood at St James’s Palace.

Buddy has become a trusted confidante of Queen Elizabeth II, royal insiders noted, and the two speak by telephone for at least 15 minutes each week.

“Her Majesty grew to appreciate Sir Buddy’s counsel in trying times,” a palace insider said. “In return, she advised Sir Buddy to keep a stiff upper lip during the Great Turkey Shortage of early 2021.”

Palace sources say the queen refers to her feline friend as “my dearest Buddington,” and often addresses him by the familiar “Bud-Bud.” Sir Buddy is also said to be close with Prince William.

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Official portrait of Sir Buddy, KBE. Credit: Royal portraitist Eldar Zakirov.

In addition to the knighthood, which entitles the American cat to refer to himself as Sir Buddy, KBE, the Crown gifted holdings including a cat-size palace on Buckingham grounds, as well as a country estate in Oxfordshire.

The estate’s central manor, Budsworth House, has 32 rooms, 86 couches, a dozen fireplaces and at least 16 antique litter boxes. The grounds are home to sprawling gardens featuring feline-centric statuary and boxes made of stone, as well as guest cottages for human and feline visitors.

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One of 14 statues of Sir Buddy that decorate the grounds and gardens of Budsworth House.

Rumors that Sir Buddy would be created Buddy, Earl of Buddington, did not come to fruition, although royal experts say an earldom is not off the table for the Queen’s favorite feline.

“Her Majesty is quite fond of Bud-Bud and was delighted when a parcel arrived with a Christmas card and a framed photograph of the two of them together,” a palace sources said. “In fact, Prince George and Princess Charlotte refer to Sir Buddy as ‘Uncle Bud-Bud.’ So in a sense, Sir Buddy is already part of the family.”

Continue reading “Knighted By The Queen, Buddy Becomes Sir Buddy”

Buddy Condemns Scientists Who Claim Cats Are Psychopaths

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat condemned British scientists who pegged cats as psychopaths in a new study, saying he’d like to “introduce them to my claws,” if not for the fact that he’s too charming to do something so uncouth.

“I was offended when I read that study, frankly,” Buddy said, pausing to spit out the bones of a mouse he’d just killed and sip from his bird blood cocktail. “The very idea is preposterous.”

Psychologistsfrom the University of Liverpool and Liverpool John Moores University developed a questionnaire that asks cat owners servants to rate their felines’ behavior based on 46 different behavioral statements.

Examples of the statements include: “My cat torments their prey rather than killing it straight away”, “my cat vocalises loudly (e.g meows, yowls) for no apparent reason”, and “my cat is very excitable (e.g goes into ‘overdrive’ and becomes uncoordinated).”

Respondents were asked to rate, on a 5-point scale, how closely each statement applied to their cat(s).

“Asking our servants to respond to the survey was the first mistake they made,” Buddy continued, using a claw to dig bits of mouse from between his teeth. “I mean, do you ask Beethoven’s gardener to evaluate the master’s symphonies? Would you ask the overnight office cleaning crew at Apple to gauge the brilliance of Steve Jobs? Would you ask Brian Scalabrine to weigh in on the transcendent talent of Michael Jordan? Of course not. So why would you ask my human to evaluate me? Why would you think such a simple creature could hope to understand the cathedral that is my mind?”

“And furthermore, why should I care? Does the lion concern himself with the opinions of sheep? I’m officially a jaguar, by the way. I don’t know if you knew that. Yeah. They welcomed me into their mystic community and call me Kinich Bajo, which means ‘god of wisdom.'”

Personality traits like delusions of grandeur, charm, lack of empathy and narcissism are typically associated with psychopaths, experts say. A psychopath might, for example, imagine he’s a large, muscular cat when in fact he’s 10 pounds soaking wet.

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Buddy imagines himself as a powerful authoritarian leader

The degree of psychopathy varies widely among felines, lead author Rebecca Evans said.

“We believe that like any other personality trait, psychopathy is on a continuum, where some cats will score more highly than others,” Evans said. “It is likely that all cats have an element of psychopathy as it would have once been helpful for their ancestors in terms of acquiring resources, for example food, territory and mating opportunities.”

 

Buddy, Food Network Reach Deal For New Cooking Show

NEW YORK — Poised to become the next major celebrity chef, Buddy the Cat will welcome audiences into his kitchen next year with a new show on Food Network.

Dubbed “Buddy’s Bistro,” the show will focus on the feline’s favorite fowl recipes and dishes.

“Our turkey casserole is ready to come out of the oven, and boy does it smell delicious!” Buddy says in one clip as he uses oven mitts to lift a tray. “Now we’re going to add a crust of fried turkey, baste with turkey sauce and garnish with turkey. Voila!”

Buddy bows and the audience erupts with applause in the clip, which has been viewed more than 160,000 times since it was posted to YouTube.

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Other episodes will see Buddy making frozen turkey pops for the summer months, turkey egg omelettes with sliced turkey as a go-to breakfast dish, and a Thanksgiving meal called tur-tur-turkey that involves cooking a turkey inside a larger turkey, which is itself cooked inside an even larger turkey with fried turkey stuffing and turkey gravy.

The celebricat chef will also demonstrate little known variations on traditional foods like turkey hot wings, a Southern turkey sandwich and turkey loaf.

“Most people don’t realize what a versatile ingredient turkey really is,” Buddy said. “My goal is to replace every single ingredient of every dish with turkey. It’s a most delicious challenge.”

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