Tag: jaguar

cat humor, cat stories, fake news, Feline Ingenuity May 12, 2023May 12, 2023

UK’s Elusive ‘Big Cats’ Turn Out To Be Buddy Playing Pranks, Police Say

GLOUCESTERSHIRE, United Kingdom — The alleged phenomena of big cats stalking the forests and outskirts of villages in the UK turned out to be a hoax this week after authorities caught an American feline planting “evidence” near the A40.

The perpetrator, who goes by the names Buddy the Cat, Kinich Bajo, The Buddinese Tiger and several other monikers, was spotted at the edge of the Forest of Dean using a ladder to create claw marks at roughly tiger height, Detective Inspector Alistair Clarke said.

When he realized he’d been made, the gray tabby cat yelled “Oh shit!” then bolted down the ladder and into the forest, Clarke told reporters.

Police called in a K9 unit, which was able to track a trail of crumbs and discarded turkey bones to a clearing where authorities discovered non-toxic black paint, a fog machine and a copy of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 1977 docudrama Pumping Iron.

“It’s our belief that the suspect painted himself black, played prerecorded clips of various big cat roars, then posed menacingly amid the fog for the benefit of locals, mostly drunks stumbling out of local pubs,” Clarke said. “Choosing inveterate drunks as his primary witnesses ensured the resulting smartphone camera footage would be grainy, shaky and inconclusive, adding to the legend and mystique of phantom big cats in the countryside.”

Puma pub — Buddy in costume in late 2022, after parading himself in front of a group of heavily intoxicated people leaving a pub. Credit: PITB

Asked by a reporter whether Buddy’s dedication to weightlifting contributed to locals misidentifying him as a big cat, Clarke shook his head.

“We don’t think so, no,” he said. “Despite his apparent obsession with bulking up and the 63 bottles of protein powder we recovered, the suspect remains a tiny little stinker, which is why he carefully revealed himself only to the thoroughly inebriated.”

Buddy the Cat remained in a local lock-up awaiting extradition back to the US. His human told reporters the feline hadn’t said much about his predicament.

“He’s complained loudly about the food and said the British should be thanking him for increasing tourism to southern England, but other than that he’s kept a lid on his thoughts,” Big Buddy said.

Buddy in costume II — Buddy is seen here patrolling the UK countryside after painting himself black, prompting several calls to the police. Credit: PITB

In the meantime, the South Carolina state police forensics division and detectives from several US police departments have been in contact with UK authorities after similarities emerged between the fake big cat sightings and a series of bizarre crop circles in the US.

“We also found turkey bones and crumbs scattered around the crop circles, but at the time our working theory was that we were dealing with aliens who had a taste for turkey,” said one law enforcement official, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Now we believe our cases may be connected to the UK hoax.”

Panther! — “Lads, that’s a panther, innit? A panther, wow!” Credit: PITB

Buddy, cat humor, Feline Overlords, Movies February 28, 2023

WATCH: New Buddy Wildlife Documentary Premieres On PITB!

It’s here!

The long-awaited documentary feature: “Buddy: Perfect Predator” has arrived on PITB.

Join Sir David Cattenborough and his intrepid crew of wildlife videographers as they follow the elusive Buddinese tiger through the dense undergrowth and dangerous terrain of its natural habitat in suburban New York.

Watch never-before-seen footage of the silver-furred Buddy stalking his prey, lounging, sleeping and eating, and follow a tense encounter between the Buddy and a red laser dot.

“I’m extremely proud of the work we’ve done here, and I believe our audience will be thrilled to learn more about this little-known creature, who shares so many qualities with tigers, lions, jaguars and leopards,” Cattenborough said.

“We fell in love with the silver-furred Buddy as we kept our cameras trained on him, and we think our audiences will find him just as charming as we did,” the British naturalist said. “He’s such a good boy!”

(Please ensure your sound is enabled or wear headphones to hear the narration and the atmospheric sounds.)

About this video:

This story was made possible with the use of artificial intelligence tools. To create the images of Sir David Attenborough with Buddy, we used a natural language processing AI trained to output realistic-looking images and Pixlr to refine the images in post. To create the narration, we assembled samples of Attenborough speaking and trained a vocal synthesis AI, based on brand new technology, to mimic Attenborough’s unique pronunciation, cadence and rhythm, then layered the audio with a background of various nature sounds and incidental sounds, such as a tiger roaring.

Just a year ago it would not have been possible to generate images like this or faithfully recreate Attenborough’s famous narrative style, proving AI not only allows users to achieve things that were previously impossible, but has been making major leaps forward in short periods of time.

We believe AI, when properly used, can be a great instrument in the creative toolbox.

Finally, a thank you to Buddy for being a good sport about having cameras in his face. Great job, Bud!

Cattenborough and Buddy — Sir David Cattenborough with Buddy the Cat.

Buddy, cat humor, Movies, news February 26, 2023

Sir David Cattenborough’s Newest Documentary Reveals The Elusive Silver-Furred Buddy

NEW YORK — All those hours trudging through the dense undergrowth of New York living rooms, hoping for a glance of an elusive feline, have finally paid off.

Speaking to reporters about his newest nature special, Sir David Cattenborough said he and his crew spent more than 200 hours in the natural habitat of the silver-furred Buddy.

Also known as the Buddinese tiger, the silver-furred Buddy is “native to the living rooms of New York” and, with his meowscular physique, “is the apex predator of his environment.”

“What a fascinating animal!” Cattenborough exclaimed.

The famous naturalist, conservationist and documentary narrator accompanied a camera crew into the thick jungles amid couches, pillows and carpets, where they observed the silver-furred Buddy at a safe distance as the fierce feline went about sleeping, eating and lounging.

Speaking excitedly in his familiar whimsical cadence, Cattenborough described the documentary crew’s luck in catching the Buddy on a hunt, when he ruthlessly brought down a red laser dot.

“People ask me, ‘Sir David, what makes the Buddy any different from other tigers and lions? Isn’t it basically the same animal?’ While they’re all famously fierce felids who strike fear into the hearts of other creatures, there are differences as well,” Cattenborough explained. “Thanks to the hard work of our dedicated crew, we’re able to bring our audience along as we take the closest look yet at this most elusive and fascinating beast.”

The new documentary, “Buddy: The Perfect Predator,” will be available to stream exclusively on Pain In The Bud, and was made possible by a grant from the Buddinese Foundation for Greater Buddesian Understanding, with additional financial support from the Coalition for Meowscular and Ripped Cats. Look for it this week on PITB!

Cattenborough and Bud — Sir David Cattenborough was able to earn the trust of a silver-furred Buddy.

cat humor, cat stories, fake news, Feline Ingenuity, Feline Overlords, Hero Cats, jaguars, Tigers January 22, 2023

Catstronauts: Buddy Leads Exploratory Expedition To Epsilon Eridani

STAR COMMANDER BUDDY’S LOG, STARDATE 12142022, Aboard the USS Fowl Play

Lt. Commander Freddie Ferocious has command of the bridge while I’ve retired to my ready room for the important task of answering video messages from kittens in Mrs. Meowmore’s Kittengarden class.

Myles, a three-month-old tuxedo who wants to be a catstronaut when he grows up, has asked me how catstronauts eat and use the litter box in zero gravity.

“Well, Myles,” I tell him, “as you may have guessed, regular litter is no good without gravity! You can’t bury your business, obviously, and you run the risk of free-floating poops and granules of litter escaping into the ship’s habitable areas, so a litter box is out of the question. That is why we have a sealed Litter Chamber and a special suction device. It takes some getting used to, especially since it tends to pull on your fur while you’re doing your business!”

Sophia, a five-month-old Calico, asks us what we eat in space.

“This morning at 0100 hours I was informed that our food replicators are malfunctioning, which means the entire crew has had to make do with freeze-dried kibble and pate MREs. No wonder we’re all so cranky! I have ordered the engineering department to devote all available resources and catpower toward the repair of the replicators. This simply cannot be allowed to go unresolved, for a cranky crew can easily become a mewtinous one, and I don’t want to have to start spacing kitties out of the airlock. Er, I mean throwing ’em in the brig! Chief Engineer Meowdi LaForge tells me the replicators should be back online by breakfast.”

Simba, three and a half months, asks: “Dear Commander Buddy, how far are you from the place you’re traveling to, and what will you do when you get there? Is it true there might be monsters? That would be scary!”

“Thanks for writing, Simba! It’s 10.47 light years to the Epsilon Eridani star system, which is a long ride! Fortunately the USS Fowl Play is a pretty big, comfortable ship, with lots of stuff to do to keep her running, and some pretty cool options for entertainment and R&R when we’re off duty. We’re less than two light years away from our destination now, which means the Fowl Play has already flipped and is engaged in a prolonged deceleration burn. We have to do that, see, so we don’t sail right on past Epsilon Eridani!

“Where did you hear about the thing with the monsters? It’s not true, okay? I don’t know what anyone told you, probably that jealous jerk Commander Calvin, but I totally did not run screaming from a monster during the expedition to Luyten 726-8, okay? That’s fake news!

“What happened was, I saw the monster and issued a blood-curdling battle cry, but then I hit the wrong button on my Planetary CatRover, which caused it to spin around and run in the other direction. I was trying to inspire my team, not abandon them. I would have turned around and battled the monster too, except by the time I realized my mistake I was already more than half way back to the lander and the others had scared the monster away with their laser pointers.”

That’s my rover on the left, and the Scary Monster on the right. As you can see, I’m very brave for facing the Scary Monster:

Buddy’s Planetary Rover

The Evil Monster, whom Buddy was totally not scared of.

Five-month-old Pepper asks: “Star Commander Buddy, do you think smart aliens are out there? What do they look like? Will they be nice when you meet them?”

“Hi, Pepper! Those are good questions. Well we should remember that we cats are not only a super intelligent species, but we are intimidating too! We have sharp teeth and claws, some of us can roar, and we look really strong and tough! So maybe the aliens will be scared of us!

“I think there will be smart aliens even though we haven’t found other intelligent life on Earth. I mean, there’s humans, but they’re simple-minded creatures, aren’t they? That’s why they’re our servants! LOL! Maybe the aliens will only have fur on their heads like humans. Maybe they’ll look like dogs. Gross, I know! Or maybe they’ll look like a cross between elephants, manta rays and aardvarks.

“We just don’t know, which is why we’re trying to find out. Picture it: Star Commander Buddy, fearlessly leading the first expedition to make contact with smart aliens. It’ll be pretty cool to be in the history books. Tell ya what, Pepper. If we find smart aliens, you and the rest of Mrs. Meowmore’s class will be the first to know. After NASA, of course. We’ll send you pictures. Deal?”

big cats, cat stories, environment, Feline Overlords, jaguars, Wild cats, wildlife July 26, 2022

What’s The Difference Between A Puma, Mountain Lion, Cougar, Panther and Catamount?

The puma goes by a lot of names. So many, in fact, that it holds the Guinness world record for the mammal with the most names, with more than 40 monikers in English alone.

Add the puma’s various appellations in Spanish and the indigenous tongues of south north America, and the large golden cat has probably had at least 100 names by a conservative estimate.

Cougar, panther, mountain lion, catamount, Florida panther, Carolina panther, ghost cat, gato monte, cuguacuarana, painter, screamer — they’re all names for puma concolor, a felid with the size of big cats in the panthera genus but genetics more closely related to non-roaring “small” cats, including felis catus.

Indeed, although pumas are famously capable of the wild cat “scream,” they’re able to purr just like house cats and their small- to medium-size wild relatives.

Why does the puma have so many monikers?

Mostly it’s because the adaptable, elusive feline has a vast range that historically covered almost the entirety of two continents:

Cougar_range_map_2010 — Credit: Wikimedia Commons

Even today cougars exist in healthy numbers across most of South America and the western United States. They’re wanderers, with pockets of smaller populations in places like Florida and the midwest, and individual mountain lions have been spotted as far east as New York and Connecticut. (The New York region known as the Catskills, derived from “cat creek” in Dutch, was named after pumas when the area was part of their regular range.)

Throughout their history they’ve been familiar to a diverse group of human civilizations, societies, nations and peoples, from the Aztecs, Inca and Mayans, to the indigenous tribes of North America and the First Nations of Canada, to the inhabitants of modern-day countries like the US, Panama, Brazil, Mexico, Venezuela, Colombia, Ecuador, Paraguay, Bolivia, Chile and Argentina.

But the name confusion doesn’t just stem from the puma’s many monikers bestowed by people of different cultures across space and time. The puma is also one of three cat species that are regularly called panthers. The other two, jaguars (panthera onca) and leopards (panthera pardus), are true “big cats.” That means they’re members of the genus panthera and they can roar but not purr.

Pumas are easily distinguishable from the other two: They have smooth golden fur without adornments, while jaguars and leopards both have blotches called rosettes.

It’s difficult to tell jaguars from leopards, but the biggest giveaway is the fact that jaguars have solid dot-like markings within their rosettes while leopards do not. In addition, leopards have much longer tails than jaguars or pumas, as they need the counterbalance provided by their tails to help them climb trees and balance themselves on tree limbs.

Photo by Lucas Vinu00edcius Pontes on Pexels.com

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Photo by Yigithan Bal on Pexels.com

Photo by Satria Bagaskara on Pexels.com

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Photo by Nick Nu00fau00f1ez on Pexels.com

Jaguars are excellent climbers as well, but they don’t need to be as adept at living off the ground — they are the apex predators in the Americas, while leopards coexist with lions and other large animals like Cape buffalo that present a danger to the big cats even if they’re not predators.

Which brings us to our last point: Our many-named friends, the pumas, may be big and they may look dangerous, but they’re not. There have been 27 humans killed by the elusive cats in more than a century in the U.S., according to the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, compared to about 3,000 deaths from dog bites over the same period. Between 30 and 50 people are killed by dogs each year.

Most confrontations between humans and pumas happen when the latter are threatened and cannot escape, or when a female is protecting her cubs.

So if you live in an area where you have a chance to see these beautiful cats, admire them and keep your own kitties indoors, but don’t freak out — the puma you see one second will be gone the next.