KENYA – The formidable lion emerged from tangled brush and padded silently across a dirt road until he reached the shade of a large acacia tree.
He stopped dead in his tracks, nose wrinkled, mouth slightly ajar, and sampled the air as a small device attached to the tree trunk surreptitiously pumped aerosolized mist into the breeze.
Despite his previous determination to keep pushing forward and the bleating of sheep just a few hundred feet away, the colossal predator gave the air a final sniff, cowered in fear, then did an about-face and beat a hasty retreat.
What could cause an apex predator in its prime to willingly give up easy kills and flee in terror?
A unique pheromone, it turns out, from a legendary tabby cat in New York.
Known as EoB, or Essence of Buddy, the pheromonal compound was successful in more than 95 percent of trials to keep big cats away from farms and ranches in Kenya, South Africa and Congo, according to a paper published this month in the Scholarly Journal of Apex Predators.
“Pheromones from rival lions, leopards, even bears and rhinos have efficacy rates ranging from just 20 percent to barely more than 50 percent,” study co-author Vito Commardo wrote. “But nothing compares to Essence of Buddy, which is nature’s equivalent of a warning sign emblazoned in neon. It says ‘Do not cross this boundary. Certain death awaits you if you do.'”
The miracle substance was discovered by chance when residents of a New York apartment building found their dogs refused to set paw on one floor. After eliminating a wide range of causes, a hunch led the building’s superintendent to call a zoologist friend. Using specialized equipment, the zoologist detected pheromones that were “off the charts.”
“It was incredible,” said wildlife biologist Jasper de Zoet. “The effect of Buddy’s pheromones is so powerful that merely stopping the elevator on his floor is enough to turn the largest, most aggressive dogs to whimpering, pitiful animals who soil themselves.”
In a test run at a local zoo, polar bears cowered in their cave when their habitat was sprayed with Essence of Buddy.
There’s even evidence EoB affects human behavior. The MMA fighter Chael Sonnen, looking for an edge in the Octagon, spritzed himself with the famed cat’s pheromones distilled in a cologne bottle. His opponent forfeited the match before the opening bell.
That prompted Buddy the Cat’s appearance on Joe Rogan’s podcast, where the feline sat stoically as Rogan questioned him and his assistants plied him with treats.
“We can’t have a cat of your status in the studio without asking you about UFOs because, bro, you’re totally an alpha,” Rogan told Buddy. “So what do you think of these new files about crashed ships and biologics?”
Buddy was silent for several seconds, then leaned into the microphone and said: “Mrrrrp!”
Rogan and his staff were bowled over.
“I knew it!” the podcaster said. “I knew it, bro! Jamie, type ‘mrrrrp’ into Google and find out what that means. Look that up.”
While conservationists plan to use EoB to keep big cats away from ranches and farms, others have come knocking, including Secretary of War Pete Hegseth.
“We’re interested in synthesizing Essence of Buddy and combining it with mandatory testosterone shots to give our warriors that chiseled, strong-jawed look President Trump likes,” Hegseth told host Sean Hannity on Fox News. “And to give them an edge on the battlefield, of course.”
“Buddy is a great American,” Hannity replied.
“A great American,” Hegseth agreed.
Buddy himself could not be reached for this story. More than 20 calls were placed to his residence over the course of three days, but each time a man identified only as his “servant, butler and manager” said the popular feline was sleeping.
