Category: cat humor

Earth’s Cats Reach Historic Accord With Aliens: Planet To Be Renamed Felinia

NEW YORK — Earth’s cats and an alien race known as the Zxorxax reached a historic deal on Monday, transitioning Earth from de facto to actual feline leadership as the two sides agreed to a sweeping trade pact that will shape galactic politics for centuries to come.

Under the terms of the accord, the domestic shorthair tabby known as Chonkmatic the Magnificent — who led negotiations with the Zxorxax on behalf of all of Earth’s living beings — will be appointed Grand Purrbah of the Blue Planet, vesting him with absolute power as the sole sovereign of Felinia, formerly known as Earth.

In exchange for a 20-year deal granting the Zxorxax exclusive rights to Felinia’s greenhouse gases — which are considered a delicacy by the aliens — the Zxorxax have agreed to provide more than two billion boxes annually.

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An alien box manufactured by the Zxorxax.

The alien delegation, led by Zxorxax Supreme Chancellor Xoralundra, initially offered to share technological knowledge that would elevate humanity to a Type I civilization on the Kardashev Scale. That offer was rejected by the felines, who felt it would distract humanity from its primary mission of serving cats.

“The Zxorxaxian technology would have led to advances beyond our comprehension,” the felines acknowledged in a statement, “but at what cost? Less cuddle time? Fewer massages? The possibility of tardy lunch and dinner? Those costs were unacceptable to us.”

Humans weren’t the only ones to express displeasure with the deal.

“These duplicitous cats would have us believe they negotiated a good deal, a deal that would benefit all life on this planet, but instead they gave it all away for some measly boxes,” the planet’s canines said in a statement.

But “measly boxes” is a gross mischaracterization, said Mr. Socks, deputy director of communications for the new feline government.

“These are outstanding alien boxes manufactured to exacting specifications,” Mr. Socks told reporters. “They are bendable yet durable. Jumping inside them provides an overwhelming feeling of safety and privacy, as if we can see everyone else but no one can see us. They’re amazing.”

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Chonkmatic the Cat, Supreme Ruler of Felinia.

Humans, who were previously the most powerful species on the planet, were particularly incensed by a day-one edict from Chonkmatic the Grand Purrbah that immediately banned all doors and other barriers that would prevent feline access to human-built facilities.

“The insidious bathroom door is a thing of the past,” Chonkmatic the Magnificent said after announcing the ban. “No longer will my people be excluded from those mysterious rooms, relegated to crying and scratching at the door as callous humans refuse to allow them entry.”

Did You Know Buddy Is A Chic Designer Cat?

Dear Buddy,

With all this talk of special breeds and glamorous designer cats, I found myself wondering: What’s your heritage? You obviously come from refined stock and must have commanded quite a price.

– Fancy Cat in Florida


Dear Fancy,

My human informs me I’m a rare and noble breed known in taxonomic nomenclature as felis magnificantus handsomus. (Thus the prominent “M” mark on my forehead for magnificantus, which is Latin for magnificent.)

I am descended from an Amur tiger who mated with a manticore, producing unique offspring which was then paired with a puma, resulting in a spectacular felid who mated with a particularly handsome domestic cat, thus creating my unique breed.

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A manticore, which is part of Buddy’s royal lineage.

This explains the majestic and regal bearing of my personage, my good looks and my considerable muscles. Not all cats are this ripped, as you know.

Legend tells of an unprecedented bidding war, with humans pledging small fortunes for the privilege of serving me. Big Buddy refused to divulge exactly how much money he spent to outbid the others, but if a mere Savannah can cost as much as $20,000, surely an impeccable specimen of felis magnificantus handsomus would command at least twice that.

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Photo of a young Buddy playing with a sibling on the palace grounds.

This, dear readers, is why I am an indoor-only cat. It has nothing to do with me being scared of the outdoors, as laughably suggested by some. It’s because, as a powerful and glamorous feline, it is illegal for me to prowl the streets alone as I would strike fear into the hearts of humans, dogs and other lesser creatures.

Thankfully I’m a pretty chill dude and all it takes it some turkey to stay on my good side!

Your friend,

Buddy

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Felis magnificantus handsomus.
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Admirers snap photos of a painting of Buddy in a French museum.
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Sophisticated and glamorous French women often commission paintings of sophisticated and glamorous cats.

 

Buddy Realizes He’s An Animal, Has Existential Crisis

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat was plunged into an existential crisis on Tuesday after realizing he is in fact an animal, sources said.

The outspoken grey tabby was dozing at about 12:32 pm during his fourth nap of the day when he was roused by a moving truck’s loud backup beeper and the shouts of men carrying heavy objects.

Buddy padded over to the window and looked down.

“What’s this ruckus?!” he called down to the movers. “Between your loud truck and you guys yelling like a bunch of animals, how is anyone supposed to get any sleep around here?”

The men below burst into laughter.

“What’s so funny?” Buddy demanded, his tail thumping the floor in annoyance.

“The pot calling the kettle black!” one of the men shouted back before disappearing around a corner with a large box in his hands.

After a quick search for the phrase on the internet, followed by a three-hour trip down the Wikipedia rabbit hole, a dejected Buddy collapsed into the couch while questioning his own existence.

“An animal?!?” he said aloud. “But I drink coffee! My research into quantum teleportation has been going so well! I don’t eat mouses and I’ve even stopped eating flies!”

The depressed feline was settling down for his fifth nap at press time, sources said, unaware that humans do not sleep 16 hours a day.

Buddy’s spirits were raised later in the day when, over a soundtrack of saccharine piano music, his human Big Buddy explained that humans are animals too.

“You think you’re a person,” Big Buddy said, “and who’s to say you’re not? Now can we cut the music? This isn’t Full House, and I’m not Bob Saget as Danny Tanner.”

This Cat Can’t Stand His Human’s Singing

A girl records herself singing an emotional ballad, and her cat is having absolutely none of it:

“I thought he was enjoying it,” she wrote.

Well at least he’s honest.

Buddy can sympathize, as he’s been subjected to the horrors of my singing voice in the car. I’m pretty sure he would’ve smacked me in the mouth too if he wasn’t in his carrier.

It seems we humans still have a lot of work to do in figuring out what kind of music sounds good to kitties. Bud was not a fan of Music for Cats, but he seems to dig funky music. And gangsta rap. He knows all the lyrics to every Notorious BIG track.

Feds Unearth Catnip Smuggling Tunnel Between Gatos Cartel Stash House, Animal Control

EL PASO — The notorious Los Gatos catnip cartel used a 12km-long tunnel to smuggle their product directly into the big house, the FBI said on Friday after discovering the clandestine passage.

With an underground route leading to the basement of Animal Control, Los Gatos moved an estimated 125 pounds of catnip and 80 pounds of silvervine — with a street value of 32 cans of wet food per ounce — to inmates every week, according to the Feline Bureau of Investigation.

The slippery cartel couldn’t have constructed and operated the tunnel without the help of at least one animal control officer, authorities said.

“Our investigation indicates they had a man on the inside in addition to the cats who received the shipments,” Special Agent Purrlock Holmes said. “The raw product was brought into a sub-basement where it was cut with oregano and Moroccan mint, then bagged for distribution to the inmates.”

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Los Gatos is notorious for using young kittens as lookouts for their smuggling operations.

The animal control facility, which houses an estimated 230 cats in addition to more than 100 dogs, was placed on lockdown after Feline Bureau of Investigation agents raided the tunnels and facilities.

The sudden cut-off of catnip has precipitated withdrawal among the feline inmate population, overwhelming the facility’s medical staff.

“At least half our cats are suffering from acute withdrawal from catnip and silver vine,” said one doctor who declined to provide her name. “We’ve got cats throwing up in their cells, alternating between sweating and chills, and blowing up their own litter boxes with unprecedented eliminations. It’s not pretty.”

Los Gatos denied knowledge of or involvement in the tunnel in a statement provided by a spokescat.

“Like all organizations with a stake in our community, Los Gatos has been focused on keeping cats safe during this terrible pandemic,” the group wrote in the statement. “We are a charitable organization and we grow weary of these libelous and slanderous claims that we’re somehow involved in illicit activities. Thankfully we have a pretty good idea of who is spreading these vicious rumors, and that feline will be dealt with. In the kindest way, of course.”

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The tunnel terminates in a sub basement of animal control, where the product was cut and bagged.