Tag: Buddy’s Mailbag

Dear Buddy: Why Do You Sound Like Elmo Singing In Falsetto?

Dear Buddy,

Why do you sound like Elmo singing in falsetto?

Laughing in Laramie


Dear Laughing,

Who is Elmo and what is falsetto? If Elmo sounds like me, he must be mighty and have the roar of a tiger!

Buddy


Buddy,

You’ve never heard of Elmo? Here, have a listen:

Laughing in Laramie


Dear Laughing,

Haha, very funny. I don’t sound anything like Elmo. This is what I sound like: (Editor’s note: This is an actual recording of Buddy, with Big Buddy interjecting with his imitation meows. Although the sound of Buddy’s roar is undoubtedly intimidating, try to remain calm. He is friendly.)

Buddy


Dear Buddy,

Was that you or another recording of Elmo? I couldn’t tell. Well if your career as a supposedly fearsome cat doesn’t work, you can always get work as an Elmo impersonator!

LOL


Dear Buddy,

He’s wrong, you don’t sound like Elmo…you sound like Elmeow! Ahahaha!

Giggling in Galicia

It’s difficult to believe such a mighty roar can come from such a cute little guy, isn’t it?

Dear Buddy: Stop Mansplaining!

Dear Buddy,

I don’t know if you realize this, but you have a bad habit of mansplaining things, both to females of your species as well as human women. You don’t want to be sexist, do you?

Resist the urge to explain things to women, Buddy. We’re not stupid.

Purrsia the Persian


Dear Purrsia,

What are you talking about? Mansplaining? Is that even a real word?

Buddy


Dear Buddy,

Yes it’s a real word! Mansplaining is when a man explains something to a woman, even when she already knows the information. It’s also when men act like things only make sense when explained by other men. It’s quite rude, you know.

Purrsia


Dear Purrsia,

Sorry, but that doesn’t make any sense to me. I think you’re making this whole thing up.

Buddy

“So as I was sayin’…”

Dear Buddy,

I am not making it up! Mansplaining is a real thing, and you do it all the time! I’m trying to explain it to you and you’re not listening! Typical male. Don’t think we don’t see your problematic behavior.

Purrsia


Dear Purrsia,

Whatever.

Buddy


Dear Buddy,

You’ll have to forgive Purrsia, who seems a bit confused. Mansplaining is like dragons and hobbits: It doesn’t really exist. Anyway, the definition of this fake phenomenon is when a man explains something to a woman, even when she already knows the information. It’s also when men act like things only make sense when they’re explained by other men. Supposedly it’s rude.

Hope that clears things up.

Maximus Catimus Meridius, Commander of the Furry Legion, Ultimate Badass


Dear Maximus,

Of course! When you put it in a way that actually makes sense, it really isn’t a difficult concept. Thank you for illuminating me, good sir!

Buddy

“Blah, blah, blah..Let me tell you how it REALLY works!”

Dear Buddy: Help! Humans Have Invented A Cat Torture Device!

Dear Buddy,

I discovered this today, hidden in the garage with a bow around it, presumably a “gift” for my upcoming birthday:

I wanted to warn you about this dire development so you can pass the word along to the millions of other cats who read your blog. The humans have invented a cruel torture device for us! This is a declaration of war!

My birthday is Wednesday. I must flee on Tuesday night at the latest. Wish me well in finding new humans who will serve me to satisfaction and provide acceptable yums.

Backstabbed in Binghampton


Dear Backstabbed,

RUN! And I don’t mean on that…contraption. Run for your life!

That video is horrific. It’s hard to watch. There must be some invisible force field keeping that poor cat confined to the wheel so he has no choice but to keep running or be tossed around violently like a wallet in a clothes drier.

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Human cruelty: Clearly an invisible force field keeps this poor kitty from escaping.

Why can’t humans invent something awesome, like a device that feeds us snacks while massaging us at the same time? These sadistic creatures claim they love us, but every now and then they inadvertently reveal the depraved depths of their minds, like when they invented those “fun” puzzle feeders that make us work for every kibble and stop us from scarfing down our yums.

Thank you for the warning, my friend. Take heed, fellow felines! You may be next!

Buddy

 

Did You Know Buddy Is A Chic Designer Cat?

Dear Buddy,

With all this talk of special breeds and glamorous designer cats, I found myself wondering: What’s your heritage? You obviously come from refined stock and must have commanded quite a price.

– Fancy Cat in Florida


Dear Fancy,

My human informs me I’m a rare and noble breed known in taxonomic nomenclature as felis magnificantus handsomus. (Thus the prominent “M” mark on my forehead for magnificantus, which is Latin for magnificent.)

I am descended from an Amur tiger who mated with a manticore, producing unique offspring which was then paired with a puma, resulting in a spectacular felid who mated with a particularly handsome domestic cat, thus creating my unique breed.

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A manticore, which is part of Buddy’s royal lineage.

This explains the majestic and regal bearing of my personage, my good looks and my considerable muscles. Not all cats are this ripped, as you know.

Legend tells of an unprecedented bidding war, with humans pledging small fortunes for the privilege of serving me. Big Buddy refused to divulge exactly how much money he spent to outbid the others, but if a mere Savannah can cost as much as $20,000, surely an impeccable specimen of felis magnificantus handsomus would command at least twice that.

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Photo of a young Buddy playing with a sibling on the palace grounds.

This, dear readers, is why I am an indoor-only cat. It has nothing to do with me being scared of the outdoors, as laughably suggested by some. It’s because, as a powerful and glamorous feline, it is illegal for me to prowl the streets alone as I would strike fear into the hearts of humans, dogs and other lesser creatures.

Thankfully I’m a pretty chill dude and all it takes it some turkey to stay on my good side!

Your friend,

Buddy

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Felis magnificantus handsomus.

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Admirers snap photos of a painting of Buddy in a French museum.

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Sophisticated and glamorous French women often commission paintings of sophisticated and glamorous cats.

 

Dear Buddy: How Did Cats Acquire Human Servants?

Dear Buddy,

We take human servitude for granted as the natural order of things, but I was wondering: When did we cats first recruit humans to serve us, and how did we tame the humans?

– Wondering in Wisconsin


Dear Wondering,

Ah, an excellent question!

First we must understand the concept of domestication. Domestication is the process of taking humans and making them our domestic servants.

Before they served us, humans were nothing more than apes — wild, unpredictable animals who were constantly running from one place to another in search of food. The primitive primates also moved around excessively, expending too much energy on pointless activities when they could be napping.

The First Felids arrived and offered a wondrous gift to the human race.

“This is a box,” the Felids said, teaching the sacred geometry to humans, who used it to build the first dwellings and design the first crop fields.

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A gift from felinekind to humankind: The concept of a box.

Cats taught the humans how to dig up the Earth and deposit their waste to render the ground fertile and increase crop yield.

Then they hunted all the vermin who tried to eat the human food, and schooled the nascent civilization in the arts of napping and expending as little energy as possible to accomplish goals.

In return humans offered their endless fealty, promising a thousand generations of warm laps, affectionate chin scratches and delicious treats.

Today humans still serve us, either by choice or because we have infected them with toxoplasma gondii.

Cheers,

Buddy the Wise

catworship