Tag: cats and bathrooms

Buddy, cat humor, Feline Ingenuity, Feline Weirdness

Point/Counterpoint: ‘Get Away From My Litterbox, I Need Privacy!’ vs ‘How Dare You Use The Bathroom Without Me?’

Get Away From My Litterbox, I Need Privacy!

buddycolumnDude. Put the top back on my litterbox and go away! I have some excrementory functions to attend to and you know I don’t like you hovering in the vicinity while I’m taking care of business.

I’m serious! Get out!

How would you like it if I could hear you straining over the sand or burying your biz? I can’t even go number one unless I know I’m by myself! You need to make like a tree and go into another room or I’m gonna make this whole place my personal litter box. Go on! Shoo!

Do they not teach basic manners to humans anymore?

How Dare You Use The Bathroom Without Me?

buddycolumnDude. I’m hurt. Betrayed. I can’t believe you went to the bathroom without me and I had to stand outside, crying and scratching the door for 30 seconds until you let me in.

You know this is a group activity. It always has been. You sit on the throne and I watch you, occasionally interjecting with a meow.

Oh, privacy schmivacy! You poop, I poop, we all poop. What’s a little poop between friends?

No! Put down the newspaper! Put down the phone! You’re being rude. Hasn’t anyone ever told you not to bury your face in your phone while you’re at the dinner table or on the toilet? It’s antisocial. Now I have yet to hear a good explanation for why you went in here without me in the first place … Do we need to have another talk about closed doors again?

Point-Counterpoint presents two essays taking opposing positions on a topic. Join us next week, when Buddy the Cat will debate Buddy the Cat on another important topic.

Buddy, cat humor, Feline Ingenuity

Point/Counterpoint: ‘Ambushing Is Fun And Awesome!’ vs ‘Don’t Ambush, It’s Not Cool!’

‘Ambushing Is Fun and Awesome!’ by Buddy the Cat, guest columnist

Ambushing is not only a super fun activity, it’s a great way for cat and human to bond! When I come screaming out of the shadows at 2 a.m. to startle you during your sleep-fogged walk to the bathroom, it’s an expression of love.

I’m saying: “I love you, human! That’s why I’m playing with you!”

And if you think about it, I’m actually doing you a favor by startling you and making you more alert. You never know when a burglar or a chalupacabra might be in the house, so I’m really providing a valuable service!

Do we ambush people we don’t love? Of course not. Only you get the privilege of being woken up at 5 a.m. by a cat belly flopping onto your chest, ripping you out of your comfortable dreams. I wouldn’t dream of launching myself at someone else’s head while they’re watching TV or tripping a stranger by appearing out of nowhere and weaving between their legs.

It’s an expression of affection! Think of it like a slow eye blink or the equivalent of purring and nuzzling your cheek.

Ambushing is love!

‘Don’t Ambush, It’s NOT Cool!’ by Buddy the Cat, guest columnist

There I was sleeping peacefully on the couch, getting my 12th hour of beauty rest in when you plopped down next to me and scared the hell out of me.

That’s an ambush! That’s not cool!

For all their talk of being the ‘smart’ species, humans are remarkably inconsiderate of others and really think nothing of startling us poor cats.

Like the times you get up suddenly when you know we’re sleeping in your lap. We startle easily. Doing that to us is cruel! Besides, if you’ve managed to hold it in for two hours while we nap, what’s a third hour between friends?

Dropping items on the table without announcing your intentions first, yelling “Boo!”, making sudden noises or sudden movements, moving furniture: That sort of behavior is rude and uncalled for. Is it too much to ask that you announce your intentions beforehand, then move slowly and deliberately?

Just consult with us before you do anything at all. That’s all we’re asking.

Point-Counterpoint presents two essays taking opposing positions on a topic. Join us next week, when Buddy the Cat will debate Buddy the Cat on another important topic.

Buddy, cat behavior, Feline Overlords

Seven Thousand And One!

The streak continues!

Buddy's House
“I make the rules, human!”

Buddy had to wait an extra day for my return from the Outer Banks due to the snowstorm, which made a mess of the roads, led to canceled flights and would have been miserable — and impossible — to drive through. My SiL’s brother tried to drive through it and gave up after 13 hours, getting as far as just north of Washington, D.C., before booking a hotel room and driving the rest of the way to New York the next day.

As expected, little dude tried to play it cool at first. He couldn’t stop himself from getting up and going to the door, but he played it off like “Hey, you’re home. That’s cool, I guess.” Then he nonchalantly padded away.

The indifferent act lasted for about 15 minutes, as usual, before Bud forgot he was supposed to be mad at me. He hopped up to the couch and started nuzzling and scent-rubbing on me, happily purring.

However, it took him longer than usual to act like his normal self, and he’s been particularly clingy since then. At one point I put on my coat and shoes to get a bag I’d left in the car, and Bud started nervously pacing, loudly vocalizing and sat down in front of the door as if to say “No! Big Buddy stays here!”

I think he does okay if someone’s here with him, but having a cat sitter stop by once a day probably doesn’t cut it anymore. Partly that’s Bud’s fault for attacking her last time, because she won’t play with him anymore, but I’ll have to think about alternatives next time I’m away for more than two days or so.

I took some photos of OBX and will post them this week after I’ve had time to sort them. We were very fortunate, with 65-degree days for the entire stretch, and even in winter there’s lots of interesting history to see on the islands where two Americans first achieved powered flight, colonies disappeared and notorious pirates stashed their treasure.

buddydoor

Buddy, cat humor, fake news

Bud Celebrates 7,000th Frantic Meowing At Bathroom Door

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat celebrated a historic milestone on Wednesday, marking the 7,000th time he’s meowed frantically outside the bathroom door as his human, Big Buddy, used the facilities.

“Over the years I’ve really perfected my routine, yowling like a mad cat and scratching at the bathroom door with such urgency that you’d think there was a murderous psychopath walking menacingly toward me and sharpening his blades,” Buddy told reporters. “I’ve been blessed and honored to carry on this fine tradition since kittenhood, and to make sure my Big Buddy has not a moment of peace inside the human litterbox unless I’m in there too  In which case he doesn’t get peace anyway because, well, it’s fun to annoy him.”

The silver tabby explained that meowing outside a bathroom “is more of an art form than a science,” and claimed that not just any cat could meow as pitifully and frantically as he’s able to do.

“It takes a lot more practice and skill than you’d think,” he said. “You can’t just yowl and expect results. Sometimes you have to reach under the door frame so your human sees your little paws searching for reassurance as you cry. Sometimes you have to start your meows soft and build to a yowling crescendo. It’s powerful emotional manipulation and should be part of every cat’s repertoire.”

According to the Bureau of Buddy Statistics, the silver tabby spends approximately 48 seconds inside the bathroom, on average, before meowing to be let out again. In 37 percent of cases, he’s meowed his way into and out of the bathroom at least twice during a single session.

After a frustrating stretch of almost six days in which his human was away, Buddy was able to reach his milestone on Wednesday with the return of Big Buddy.

“I’d like to thank my human,” Buddy said. “Without him, none of this would be possible. Yeeeeeooooowwww!”

cat humor, Feline Overlords, Feline Weirdness

Dear Buddy: Why Do Cats Follow Their Humans Around?

Dear Buddy,

Why do cats always follow their humans around? I mean, you guys might not want us to pet you all the time, but you sure do go everywhere we go.

Human in Honolulu

Dear Human,

This is a common misconception, one of those myths about cats like the one that says we love milk or we like it when you talk to us in baby voices.

The sad reality is that you follow us around but you don’t want to admit it, so you come up with elaborate fictions about our habits. My human believes I weave around his legs to rub against them after he wakes up, which is absurd. Clearly he steps in my path and I have to swerve, causing incidental contact. I would prefer not to, but he makes it impossible.

Or how about the myth that we like to bother you guys in the bathroom? Big Buddy knows that every day at certain times I like to put my paws under the bathroom door and cry. I mean, I do it all the time and he knows it, so he decides to use the bathroom at those times and tricks himself into believing that somehow I go into hysterics if I’m not actually inside the bathroom with him.

Do you see how delusional you people are?

What kind of crazy people say “I know my cat is going to knead and purr in this spot in the next 5 to 10 minutes, so I’m going to sit here and force him to knead on me”?

I think you guys need to get help.

Buddy