Tag: Advice

Murder or Affection? Ask Your Cat!

Luis Navarro was having trouble breathing at night, so he set up a video camera to film himself while sleeping, Paranormal Activity style.

Sure enough the footage revealed something terrifying: The Texas man’s tabby cat was climbing into bed with him and clamping down like a facehugger from Alien, smothering his face in fur!

To explain this behavior we turned to Buddy, who offered his insights and expertise as a cat.

Big Buddy: Thanks for taking the time to help us make sense of these images, Bud.

Little Buddy: You’re very welcome. Just remember my fee in treats is due at the end of this conversation. Ten Temptations.

BB: Six!

LB: Eleven!

BB: Six!

LB: Nine! That’s as low as I go.

BB: Then I guess we’ll have to find another cat to answer…

LB: No! No. Six it is. You drive a hard bargain, human.

BB: That’s because I’m the one who has to clean up your puke if you get sick. So anyway, what’s going on in these photos?

LB: Okay, the kitty jumps into bed with Luis.

BB: Yes.

LB: And he hugs Luis’ face.

BB: Yes. We can see that. But why?

LB: Well, humans always want to see the best in us, so they’ll convince themselves that Luis’ cat loves him so much and it’s just a hug.

BB: You’re saying it’s not a hug?

LB: Of course not. It’s practice.

BB: Practice…for what?

LB: Isn’t it obvious? Murder. For when Luis becomes a stingy jerk and gives him six treats instead of 10.

BB: Oh! Still with the Temptations?

LB: I feel undervalued.

BB: You didn’t even answer the question!

LB: I did so! Now you know what happens to stingy humans who hold out on their feline masters. I believe you owe me 10 treats, sir.

So there you have it. Don’t piss off a cat, or he’ll murder you and make it look like the most adorable, loving murder ever.

Dear Buddy: MOAR Treats!

Dear Buddy,

You’re always going on about food as if your Big Buddy doesn’t ply you with snacks. I know he does, because you’re getting chubby.

But that’s beside the point: You’re a cat! You don’t need humans to feed you. You could venture outside and grab yourself a nice juicy mouse or a plump bird!

It’s time for you to get in touch with your roots and your inner predator, Buddy.

– Rodent Hunter in Rhode Island

Dear Rodent Hunter,

First of all, I am NOT chubby. It’s called a primordial pouch, okay? Cats from fierce warrior lineages have them to protect us from the claws of our opponents and the talons of raptors. (The avian kind, not the dinosaurs, although if dinosaurs were still around I’d kick their asses too.)

Secondly, I would totally go outside and hunt me some snacks, but I can’t. It’s in my contract. When you make a living off your devastating good looks like I do, you can’t just get into scraps like a common cat.

– Buddy

Dear Buddy,

If you say so. But humans are constantly leaving tasty treats all over the place. You just need to know where and when to look.

For example, did you know humans eat whipped cream in the bathroom? It’s true! The next time your Big Buddy is shaving his whiskers, find some way to make a distraction that will draw him out of the bathroom.

While he’s distracted you can eat the whipped cream. There will be entire globs of it all around the sink! Just gobble it all down really fast and get out before Big Buddy realizes you’re eating his yummy snacks.

You’ll have plenty of time to savor the taste of that delicious whipped cream once you’re out of the bathroom. When you taste it, I want you to think of me. That’s the taste of victory, Buddy!

– Rodent Hunter in Rhode Island

Dear Rodent Hunter,

Thanks, my friend! It’s nice to know my readers love me so much. Big Buddy usually shaves at night.

Tonight I feast on sweet, yummy whipped cream!

– Buddy

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Mmmm, so creamy and delicious!

Rodent Hunter,

WHAT THE &$@#, DUDE?!? That was NOT whipped cream! It didn’t taste like victory either. It was gross! I had to wash my mouth out eight times and eat half a bowl of kibble just to get the taste off my tongue, and then I got sick.

Do you think Big Buddy knew I was going to steal his whipped cream? He knew, right? That’s why he put that disgusting fake whipped cream for me to find. It’s the only logical explanation.

– Buddy

Dear Buddy,

You’re as sharp as you are handsome, Buddy! That’s got to be what happened. Your Big Buddy must’ve known and he played a prank on you. Makes total sense.

I eat the whipped cream all the time when my human shaves, and it is creamy and delicious! Maybe you should try again. Be really slick about it so your human doesn’t know you’re coming and put the fake whipped cream out for you. Be stealthy!

When you outsmart your human and you get that first taste of milky, creamy, silky deliciousness, remember that you’re a genius and you’ve earned it. Your persistence will pay off!

Let me know how it goes. 🙂

– RH

Dear RH,

I was outwitted again. 😦 I don’t know how he knew I was going to steal his whipped cream again, but somehow Big Buddy found out and pulled another fast one on me. What’s that saying? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on you again!

Well I won’t give him the satisfaction of a third time! I’m done trying to steal whipped cream for the time being.

– Buddy

Dear Buddy,

I’m really sorry to hear that, bro. You’re really missing out on a yummy treat. Oh well.

What about…? Nah. Nevermind. It’s better you don’t know about the cakes.

– RH

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Did you know humans keep delicious cake in the bathroom? It’s true!

RH,

Come on, dude! Don’t hold out on me! What are these cakes you speak of? I’m already getting hungry.

– Buddy

Buddy,

Okay, okay. If you insist. But I must warn you, these things are so delicious you might never go back to cat food again.

They’re called urinal cakes and they’re usually pink, like the color of fresh turkey…

Dear Buddy: Halp! I Don’t Want To Be Neutered!

Dear Buddy,

My human has me scheduled to go to the vet for neutering on May 12, and the dreaded day is fast approaching. I’m terrified! I don’t want to be neutered! Help me please, how do I get out of this nightmare?

Terrified in Texas

Dear Terrified in Texas,

What the hell are you talking about?

Buddy

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Dear Buddy,

It’s when your human brings you to the evil veterinarian and they remove your balls! How can you not know this? You’re telling me you weren’t neutered?

T in T

Dear T in T,

I still have my balls. My favorite is green and fuzzy and I use it to play catch with Big Buddy. I also have one with little lights in it and it makes noises when I swat it around! So much fun!

There’s a catnip ball too, but the catnip is inside and I can’t get to it. That kinda sucks. Tell your human not to take away your toys.

Buddy

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Dear Buddy,

No, you moron! Your balls! As in testicles! They cut them! It hurts just thinking about it!

T in T

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Dear T in T,

Hey now! No need for name calling. Who is Testicles? Was he friends with Achilles and Socrates? And what does this have to do with balls?

If you’re gonna write in and ask my advice, the least you can do is make sense!

Buddy

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(The great warrior Testicles led the Spartans alongside Leonidas and the 300 legendary cats who fought a million-strong dog army in Thermopylae Alley. To this day, poets sing songs of Testicles and his bravery.)

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Dear Buddy,

I suggest you go and ask your beloved Big Buddy what happened the first time you went to the veterinarian. Make sure your claws are extra sharp before you have that conversation. You’ll thank me later.

T in T

(King Leonidas — er, Leokittiness — image courtesy of CollageOrama.)