Category: fake news

Buddy’s New Fragrance, Litière, Available Anywhere Fine Products Are Sold

PARIS – Buddy the Cat’s much-anticipated new line of fragrances, Litière Eau de Cologne and Litière Parfum Pour Elle, will hit stores just in time for the summer season.

The feline-inspired scents were created in collaboration with the Purrsace perfumery and promise a pheromonal feast fantastique for the olfactory senses.

Litière Eau de Cologne, Buddy’s signature scent for males, “combines a littery musk with the earthy, seductive aura of fresh turkey, cinnamon, triumphant notes of fiery wasabi and subtle hints of tuna. As decadent and lazy as felines themselves, Litière Eau de Cologne works best as a celebration of sedentary existence, of many hours nestled in the warm embrace of a favorite couch spot with the sun on your back. Meowgnificent!” 

Its sister scent, Litière Pour Elle, is “infused with notes of blackberry jam and an oxytocinal essense that evokes kittens snoozing in a purratic pile after their morning milk  This lush and leafy fragrance is designed to be carried by the soft breezes of spring and summer, gently wafting its way toward the olfactory organs of strapping toms and leaving no doubt that its wearer is in heat. With Litière Pour Elle, you’ll have your next litter of kittens in no time.”

Litiere Pour Elle
Litiere Pour Elle: For when you want every tom within five miles to know you’re in heat.

Purrsace is betting big on the novel fragrances, backing a campaign featuring commercials in which a nude Buddy emerges from a hot tub, eases into a relaxed pose and extends his claws as a pair of models towels his luxuriant fur dry.

Another spot is slated to run during the Academy Awards, La Liga, Serie A and Ligue 1 matches, as well as Wimbledon and the French Open.

That advert depicts Buddy with a beret and a baguette, enjoying coffee and croissants on the terrace of a Parisian cafe before female cats recognize him by his scent and run after him. After several frames depicting an intensifying pursuit, the camera pans out to a wider shot showing the streets of Paris overrun with yowling female cats looking for Buddy.

“It has been my life’s l’honor working with Messieur Buddeaux,” Purrsace chief perfumist Guillaume Stéphane Olivier Jean-Henri François Laurent Remontoire said. “Litière will be the aroma of choice for felines sophistiqué!”

parisiancafe2
“Sacre bleu! Un jolie femmes can’t control themselves around me! It must be the Litiere pheromonique!”

Bewildered Tigers Watch As Buddy Enters Enclosure

NEW YORK — A domestic feline entered the big cat enclosure at the Bronx Zoo on Wednesday, with the bemused tiger inhabitants unsure of how to respond to the brazen intruder.

“Sup guys!” the silver tabby calling himself Buddy meowed to the confused big cats, according to witnesses.

The bold domestic feline, who weighs approximately 10 pounds, made his way around the enclosure, fist-bumping each of the tigers before sauntering over to the rock pool and laying down next to a 506-pound male named Gerald.

“Whaddup, Gerald,” Buddy the Cat said as he emulated the much larger cat’s posture. “What’s good, my homie?”

Gerald turned his head toward the smaller cat and roared, but Buddy was unperturbed.

“Yeah,” he said to the massive tiger. “I feel you, bro. Haters gonna hate, am I right? Us apex predators just don’t get no respect no more.”

Gerald roared again.

“Exactly what I’m saying, my dude,” Buddy replied.

The massive felid eyed Buddy for a second as if deciding whether there was enough meat on his bones to justify turning him into a snack, then shrugged and yawned.

Bud and Gerald the Tiger
Best homies.

Asked later why he entered the tiger enclosure, Buddy said it was “important to connect with my heritage.”

“I’m showing solidarity with my peeps,” the silver tabby told reporters.

Encouraged by the fact that the tigers seemed to tolerate his presence, Buddy returned to the enclosure later the same day, only for a white tigress to claim him.

“I’m not your cub!” the tabby said, squirming as the tigress lifted him with the scruff of his neck between her teeth. “I’m a grown tiger! Put me down this instant!”

The domestic cat still hadn’t emerged from the tigress’ den by the next morning. A witness using a telephoto lens confirmed Buddy tried to make a run for it several times, only to be pulled back and given a tongue bath.

“Unpaw me! Untongue me!” he could be heard screaming from inside the den. “Help! Somebody help me!”

A zoo spokesman said there were currently no plans to free Buddy the cat.

Buddy Acquires Chariot From Which To Lead His Armies

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat came a step closer to achieving his dream of becoming a powerful feline warlord on Saturday with the acquisition of a glorious chariot, sources confirmed.

“From this chariot, adorned in full battle dress, I shall survey the fields of conflict and lead my forces, bringing to heel all who would oppose me,” Buddy said, excitedly jumping onto his new vehicle of conveyance.

“Perish in the flames of my righteous fury!”

Sources familiar with the militant tabby cat said that after completing the HBO series Rome, his past several days have been consumed with talk of “raising fresh levies,” and constructing a campaign map out of cat food, with clumps of kibble representing legions and treats representing generals.

Warrior Bud
Buddy in his battle armor.

Several felines familiar with his thinking said he’d assembled a plan to capture and conscript the strays and ferals of his immediate neighborhood before turning toward the next realm, which is ruled by Lord Lorenz Macaro, a powerful shorthaired Chartreux.

From there, Buddy would set his sights on conquering the fabled Store of Groceries.

The aspiring warlord cat had his human take him on a test run and was surprised to see several human infants in their own chariots.

“Excuse me,” Buddy asked a young mother pushing twins. “I didn’t know human babies rode war chariots.”

The woman laughed.

“War chariot, is it?” she laughed. “May I say, you look so adorable in your own little kitty pram!”

As of press time, sources close to Buddy said the enraged tabby cat had refocused his ire on Big Buddy for lying to him and telling him a baby stroller was a war chariot.

Cats in Mighty War Chariot
“On my mark, unleash hell!”

Louvre To Display ‘The Buddy Collection’

PARIS — A collection of priceless and beloved works depicting Buddy the Cat will go on display in April, the Louvre announced Sunday.

Titled Le Grand Félin, the exhibit will feature portraits of Buddy in several different mediums by some of the greatest living artists, museum curator Jean-Phillipe Jacques-Raphaël Guillaum Landry Sébastien Etienne Lecomte said.

“Gazing upon his enchanting visage, we can see why so many artistes fantastique choose Messieur Buddy as their muse, yes?” Etienne Lecomte said. “He has a je ne sais quoi that eludes lesser felines and men alike. This is why we choose Le grande Buddeaux.”

Buddy Portrait
A portrait of Buddy on loan from the Museo Nacional Centro de Arte Reina Sofía in Spain will be displayed at the Louvre.

Several mysterious women were seen fanning themselves as they gathered around portraits of Buddy, part of a small group of Parisian society elites and European aristocrats who were given a preview of the gallery.

“Il est magnifique!” one of the women proclaimed immediately before fainting.

Buddy gallery
Katzenartig Wonderbar, 2018, oil on canvas by Hans Gerhard Schroeder, fetched more than $124,000 at auction in 2020. The piece is on loan from a private collector.
Buddy the Muse
Students from the Académie des Beaux-Arts will be given special access to the gallery to hone their techniques by drawing inspiration from the Buddesian masterworks

Rounding out the collection is the Buddesian Tryptich by the celebrated British street artist Banksy.

“I wanted to capture the cold terror of that moment when you’re walking through the jungle without a care in the world when suddenly you find yourself face to face with a tiger, an apex predator,” Banksy said. “Then you think, ‘No, wait a minute! I know this tiger! He’s cuddly and wonderful.'”

Buddinese Tryptich
Banksy’s Buddinese Tryptich is among the most celebrated works featured in the exhibition

Poll: 1 In 3 Cats Refuse Vaxx Jab Over ‘Big Vet’ Fears

WASHINGTON — Citing concerns about “Big Vet” and the industry’s role in the global pandemic, one in three American cats say they won’t get vaccinated, a new Mew Poll found.

Many of the cats who participated told pollsters they’re suspicious of the vaccines, while others latched onto conspiracy theories or insisted “natural” remedies would yield better results.

One veterinarian’s Facebook post went viral after detractors insisted there was nefarious intent behind it.

“Come on in and get your kittens vaccined, neutered and microchipped,” the post read. “Plenty of appointments available!”

“I knew it,” one feline user responded. “Gill Bates wants to jab us, chip us and sterilize us! They’re not even trying to hide it anymore!”‘

Bates, the billionaire founder of MicroClaw, has been the subject of many conspiracies involving the virus and vaccine. Most allege Bates wants to sterilize all non-breed cats and claim all the world’s futons for himself.

Other versions of the conspiracy claim Bates owns all the world’s cat food manufacturers through subsidiaries and shell companies, and caused the pandemic by placing inert virus particles in kibble.

In a popular Youtube video with more than 7 million views, a feline narrator asks: “Have you noticed dogs aren’t getting sick, but we are? The Mayan calendar predicted this plague, and a famous Nostradamus quatrain warns of ‘a new self-proclaimed king who wears glasses, steals operating systems and rules Friskies and 9Lives with an iron paw.'”

Cat Vaccines
Gill Bates has been pushing cats to get themselves vaccinated.

Other conspiracists alleged Dr. Anthony Meowci, the nation’s foremost infectious disease expert, has been working with the Siamese to install 7G chips in cats who agree to be vaccinated, in an effort to track the population and send subliminal messages directly to victims’ brains.

“Then before you know it you’ll be carrying a copy of Chairman Meow’s Little Red Book everywhere you go,” one prominent anti-vaccination catfluencer wrote on TasteBook. “Ask yourself: What’s Meowci getting out of this? A new cat condo and a lifetime’s supply of ‘nip? A fleet of brand new Roombas?”

Some opportunistic cats have exploited the vaccine skepticism, sensing a business opportunity. Among them is Blinkety Blink, prosperity preacher Joel Osteen’s cat, who is selling “Miracle Catnip Infused Healing Water” online for $89.95 a bottle.

The product can “cure COVID, UTIs, anxiety and even make your coat look smoother,” Blinkety Blink claims in a slick advertisement before jumping into the arms of his beloved human, who praises him for being a shrewd businessman.

“Big Vet doesn’t want you to know about this simple, cheap and effective cure,” Blinkety Blink said. “They want to pump more chemicals into your body, which will make you poop more, which means they sell more litter. It’s all connected!”

Osteen and Blinkety Blink
Osteen pictured with his cat Blinkety Blink, his private jet and his second mansion in Florida.