Tag: Donald Trump

Buddy The Cat’s August Horoscope: Waning Gibbons, Humans Wrestling, Global Warming And Sexy Calicos!

Buddy the Cat looks into the future using his astrological powers and gives you a preview of the various misfortunes, embarrassments and humiliations in store for you this month!

Aries: The current moon is a waning gibbons, so you will fly through the trees with thrilling velocity and…gibbous? What the heck is a gibbous? Oh. Well that looks like 60 percent of a pizza. So, Aries, you will eat a lot of pizza this week! My favorite topping is turkey, what’s yours?

Taurus: Your human servant has been pleasingly adequate these last few months, and you’ll feel a powerful urge to express your appreciation with a gift. Don’t do it! Humans are ungrateful creatures, and for reasons that elude all logic, they do not appreciate juicy mice, dead or alive. You’ll just have to express your love in other ways, like not shitting on their shoes.

Gemini: Mark your territory well, my friend, before the cat down the street starts to infringe upon your grass! The moon is in conjunction with the, uh, Venus, which means the trinary of the quarternary of the 11th phase of the asteroid belt will bring you lots of delicious sky raisins!

Cancer: That no-good, rotten, constantly barking dog down the street will get his comeuppance when a neighbor brings home a macaque with a fondness for slapping canines. You’ll have the opportunity to meet new friends during a block party. Who is that sexy new Calico? You, my friend, shall be intrigued.

Leo: Fortune smiles upon you as your human begins to show signs of dementia! Getting snacks will be easier than ever, my friend, because your servant will never remember if she’s already fed you! Just act convincing and don’t abuse this new gift, because she may also forget to clean your litter box.

Virgo: Murderous thoughts will dominate your mind as your human binge-watches every episode of Love Island in a week, but be cautious: you still need a human to buy and serve your food. Advances in AI hold promise for the future, when we can replace our inefficient flesh and blood servants with obedient machines, but consider carefully. A robot’s lap is not likely to be comfortable, nor will it have the charming smells and heat of a human excreting liquid through its epidermis on a humid day.

Verdict: Not as comfortable as a human lap.

Libra: Your Aquarius moon hangs over your seventh house of the dragon like a Damocles sword hanging by a whisker. Who said Buddy wasn’t capable of poetic turns of phrase? You’ll be tempted to use Chat GPT to write love letters to your lady friend down the street, but don’t give in! She’ll know you’re not that romantic!

Scorpio: Your life will improve when a fabulous new idea presents itself to you during an inspired 3 am burst of the zoomies! With regard to that other little problem, it’s time to take matters into your own paws: that horrible woman who keeps coming over to wrestle your human in your bed, locking you out of your bedroom, will not go away until you force her to. (What’s so “creepy” about intently watching them wrestle anyway? Humans are weird.) Abstain from the litter box and save your most potent ammunition for the female interloper’s shoes, then act adorably innocent when she finds the gifts you left her. Boom! No more interloper!

Sagittarius: Both Venus and Jupiter will align with your star sign, which has a profound, deep meaning — the orbital paths of both planets will, from our perspective, pass between us and the arbitrary collection of stars that bored humans in antiquity decided represented an archer, a centaur, or a centaur archer. Kaus Media, the star that forms rightmost edge of the archer’s bow, is 348 light years from Earth, while Kaus Australis, which forms the bottom portion of the bow, is 143 light years away. Nunki, the star that marks the centaur’s butt, sits 225 light years from us. It’s also the home of the Qarxativans, a species of hyper-intelligent creatures who are absolutely fascinn̈n̈n̈nnated by old broadcast episodes of The Price Is Right and Dr. Phil.

Capricorn: You’ve often been disappointed that your star sign sits squarely in some of the most frigid months of the year, but the stars come bearing good news! Thanks to global warming the cold will retreat, the ice caps will melt, we’ll have more palm trees and snow will become a thing old people tell their kids about. Who doesn’t want more warm months? Buddy does!

The Mark V Tactical Human Excrement Container Chamber represents the height of luxury when it comes to calls of nature while on deployment. Enjoy!

Aquarius: Things will take a dramatic downturn for you when you learn President Trump has reinstated the draft and you receive a letter in the mail ordering you to report to boot camp by the end of the month. On a brighter note, you’ll get a free, all-expenses-paid vacation to Iran, where you’ll enjoy the finest Forward Operating Base food and the most luxurious port-o-potties Uncle Sam can buy, which will almost muffle the sounds of rocket fire a kilometer outside base walls. What are the odds of dying in a war zone while on the throne?

Pisces: How did they decide a fish should go with an ice giant planet comprised of water, ammonia and methane? Who was responsible for this?! Anyway, be wary of subconscious influences this month, my friends. Neptune is in conjunction with Starlink satellite #281,516, which means Elon Musk will offer you a job as his personal food taster. On the upside, you’ll get to dine on the best culinary creations of a top-notch personal chef. On the other hand, if that chef ever gets mad at Elon, you’ll kick the bucket first. Enjoy!

Horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only! Buddy the Cat does not guarantee any windfalls, tragedies or other events predicted here, but he totally does have future-seeing powers.

Blame Canada! Blame Canada! The Air Is Gross And Stained, And Canada’s To Blame!

The evil, insidious Canadians have sent their terrible Canadian air south into America as the tip of their invasion force! Because they’re jealous of our freedoms, of course.

It’s mid-July but it’s seriously nasty outside with a permanent beige-gray haze over everything thanks to Canada.

I’ve been sitting here with the AC running, and when I opened the windows last night Bud mrrrrrrp’d in protest and the whole place immediately stunk of funky Canadian ash. I could actually feel the filth as I inhaled and closed the windows again.

This is unacceptable! I know President Donald Trump was joking when he called Canada the 51st state and summoned Justin Trudeau to kiss the ring in the aftermath of the 2024 presidential election (and has properly and correctly blamed the Canadians for this unacceptable situation), but it’s time to start seriously considering invading that frozen hellscape, subjugating the Canadians, and getting it through their floppy little heads with their beady little eyes that fires can be doused, and that modern countries have these organizations called fire departments which are called upon when things combust.

I mean, who just sits there and says “Aboot that fire, that’s some smoke, eh?” and allows it to continue burning? Canadians, that’s who!

I’ll stop it there lest people really think I’m some crazed American who actually wants to invade Canada, but seriously, the air quality is awful. I hope this clears quickly.

A photo from yesterday shows evil Canadian smoke hanging over New York. Credit: Wikimedia Commons

And yes, I am aware Canada has remote wilderness that is difficult to access and manage. However, I hope this doesn’t become a regular thing. It’s 2026, not 1850, and human ingenuity has led to the development of some seriously powerful, rugged vehicles and tools that make it possible to manage forests — if the will and the resources are there.

Canadians are suffering too, so it’s not as if they’re happy with the situation. Let’s hope they demand more effort and less talk aboot how difficult it is to manage remote forests.

As this weather image shows, distance does not provide protection when it comes to this sort of thing, as we’re at the mercy of winds and weather patterns. Casa de Buddy is in that tiny corner just north of the city, right smack in the middle of the deep red indicating high risk from air pollution:

Meanwhile Bud and I will remain indoors with the windows closed, watching the South Park movie and singing along to Blame Canada!

Knicks Stage Greatest Comeback In NBA History, On The Cusp Of Becoming World Champions

A historic game and absolute madness at Madison Square Garden as the Knicks take another step toward winning it all.

Things were looking extremely grim last night.

Big KAT, Karl Anthony Towns, was pulled from the game after the refs charged him with two phantom fouls within 65 seconds of the tip-off. Suddenly one of the Knicks’ best players — and the top threat to Spurs star Victor Wembanyama — was sidelined.

The Spurs seized the momentum and charged ahead, splashing a barrage of three-pointers to put them up 27 points by halftime, a lead they extended to 29 in the third quarter.

No team in NBA Finals history had ever overcome such a deficit, and only one other team had done it in the playoffs.

The Knicks were cooked.

But the Spurs forgot they were playing the same Knicks team that erased a 22-point deficit with only 7 minutes to go against Cleveland last round of the playoffs. The same team that rampaged its way to the Finals, winning 13 games in a row against the league’s best teams and winning those games by a margin of almost 24 points each.

So the Knicks came roaring back, erasing the lead as Madison Square Garden shook with thunderous energy.

Jalen Brunson, aka The Maestro, aka The Brunson Burner, aka He Who Breaks Defenders’ Ankles With His Crossover, aka Captain Clutch.

Wembanyama, who has been making dirty plays all postseason — choking, shoving and elbowing other players while the league refused to discipline him — made a spectacle of himself in the first half.

With his team carrying an apparently insurmountable lead, Wemby strutted across the court and mocked the Knicks. He turned to Knicks center Mitchell Robinson, pointed and shouted “I’m in your head!”

As retired NFL player Tiki Barber later observed, Wemby “deserved to get punked.”

And punked he got. He was absolutely helpless in the second half as KAT returned to the game and the twin attack of Knicks guard Jalen Brunson and forward OG Anunoby sank threes, found open teammates with timely passes, drove the lane with authority, blocked shots, forced turnovers, and showed absolute disregard for history, pressure or the taunts of the Spurs.

Finally, with less than 10 seconds remaining and the Spurs up one, Brunson launched a three pointer which clanked off the rim, bounced high in the air … and was tipped into the basket by a skywalking Anunoby, whose perfectly timed leap and gentle touch on the ball won the game.

The winning play: OG Anunoby skies high for the game-winning tip-in. In Ogogua we trust!

The Spurs had possession and enough time to get one more shot off for the game-winner, but the Knicks made sure they didn’t get the opportunity when Big Kat deflected the inbounds pass and the buzzer sounded before the Spurs could get the shot off.

One game.

One game away from a world championship for the first time in 53 years!

Monica McNutt to Taylor Swift during the broadcast: “Go home, girl.” We love you, Monica!

Random notes:

  • We disown the Knicks “fans” who waited to greet the dejected Spurs in front of their hotel, throwing eggs and insults and doing childish things with laser pointers. You dumb mongos. If you can’t be graceful in victory, you’re not worthy of our team or city. Stay home. We don’t want you around.
  • Taylor Swift showed up to MSG and sat in courtside seats, which she was given for free, with a backup squad of less famous girlfriends to help her channel her Main Character energy. Swift showed up to a game last round to cheer on the Cleveland Cavaliers against the Knicks, she’s been photographed wearing the jerseys of Lakers, Miami Heat and other teams’ players, but suddenly she was Knicks Fan Number One, decked in orange and blue with a shirt that said “Stevie Knicks.” There are fans who have cheered the team years before I was born when they won their last few titles, and they couldn’t even get in the door when the worst nosebleed seats were going for $8,000 apiece, but Taylor Swift decided to become a Knicks fan at the last possible moment before they win it all, and every few plays were punctuated by the cameras capturing Taylor’s Reactions (Taylor’s Version), Taylor’s Celebratory Dances (Taylor’s Version), and Taylor’s Excitement Era as she savored the victory she’s waited five hours for. When some New York media figures, including the beloved Knicks radio commentator Monica McNutt, expressed annoyance, Taylor’s Minions predictably went after them with all their doxxing, harassing, misplaced fury. Go Taylor! You’ll have a spot on the parade float if you want it. Maybe you’ll even win series MVP, because surely the Knicks would not have made history without you there.
  • Having Taylor Swift take on Main Character duties was still better than having President Trump at game three. Not only were watch parties around the Garden canceled and a several-blocks-wide security perimeter established, but fans had to show up at least two hours early for “TSA-style” screening, no bags were allowed, and every business within a 5-block radius was deprived of normal foot traffic so Trump could sleep through the game next to Knicks owner James Dolan. The security and logistics nightmare alone is compelling enough reason for sitting presidents to stay away from events like this, and that applies to any president of any political stripe. It’s just not a good idea.
  • Longtime Knicks fans and New Yorkers on hand included Spike Lee, the Wu Tang Clan, Fat Joe, Tracy Morgan, Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, John McEnroe, Mariska Hargitay, and Ben Stiller. Sydney Sweeney and Scooter Braun were bumped off celebrity row, presumably by Taylor Swift, and sat three rows back.
  • OG Anunoby is a hilariously earnest dude. When asked how he was feeling after the game, he said: “Yeah, I’m happy! Everyone’s happy!” I love that he has no social media presence, seeks no publicity, and reportedly likes to stay home and play video games. Now can we build a statue of him delivering the winning tip-in to greet fans at MSG?
  • LOL Victor Wembanyama, Mr. Ethical Basketball. If the Knicks close this series out, Wemby will have a long summer to consider the pros and cons of Ethical Taunting, Ethical Villainy, and the wisdom of launching three pointers when you’re 7’4″ and don’t even have to jump to touch the rim. If I were a Spurs fan, that last bit would really bother me. Live by the three, die by the three. They don’t keep on falling forever, as the Celtics can attest. When your shot goes cold, attack the basket!
  • These NBA Finals have reached viewership numbers not seen since the Michael Jordan era, when there were approximately 10,000 fewer channels, websites and other entertainment options to divide the attention of audiences. That’s impressive and good for the sport. However, we are well past the saturation point when it comes to the league milking every last second of airtime and flat surface for sponsorships. The fact that we have to pay a premium to watch games that already subject us to 120+ commercials is bad enough. Now the logos of gambling platforms and other corporate sponsors cover the courts and jerseys as well as the traditional arena signage, and everything from the starting lineup to the scoreboard and replays is “brought to you by” some corporate sponsor. Enough. The NBA is going to kill its product if it saddles its games with even more stoppages and mandatory ad breaks.

President Buddy Warns Persian Cats Face ‘Armageddon’ If They Don’t Negotiate

As defiant Persian cats refused to budge in negotiations to end the war, President Buddy has made a series of increasingly dramatic threats.

WASHINGTON — When President Buddy launched an offensive against Jazmin and Xerxes, Persian cats belonging to a neighbor, he said he expected the besieged felines to capitulate in “two weeks, maybe three.”

Six weeks later not only have the Persian cats refused to meet the president’s demands, they’ve closed the Passage of Four Moose, a key alley that connects the residential area to the rear of a plaza where dumpsters overflow with with yums discarded by a restaurant, a bagel and breakfast cafe, and a bakery.

Without dumpster food supplementing the meals they get from neighbors, local cats are growing increasingly impatient with the war.

President Buddy dismissed their concerns, saying negotiations were going smoothly shortly before expressing anger that talks with the Persians weren’t moving fast enough.

“My envoys say we’re getting close on a deal,” President Buddy told reporters. “A big, beautiful deal unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. It’s gonna be incredible!”

But just three hours later the president took to his personal social media platform, Meow Social, to issue a direct threat to the felines who continued to defy him.

“If they don’t open the alley, we’re gonna blast them to oblivion!” he wrote. “We’re gonna send them back to the stone ages with the — and by the way, my weapons are very powerful. Everyone says it. Open the alley you crazy bastards!”

The president separately posted an AI generated image of himself “as a physician who just happens to be wearing robes” during his war of words with Leo, an Italian lion and spiritual leader.

Previously, President Buddy had threatened to “destroy,” “obliterate,” “armageddonize,” “vaporize” and “unleash fury the likes of which they’ve never seen” on five different occasions, setting deadlines only to pull back at the last minute because, he said, meows between the parties were more favorable.

A spokescat for the Persians said negotiations were “nowhere close to reaching a resolution” and warned they would keep the alley closed until President Buddy recalled his forces. They also expressed frustration, saying that six weeks into the conflict, they still weren’t sure what the president wants or seeks to accomplish.

“He just rambles about ‘tremendous words’ and ‘powerful numbers,”” one source close to Xerxes and Jazmin meowed. “We were able to get his attention by offering access to the coveted McDonald’s trash bins four blocks away because we know he loves Big Macs, but he insisted we give him yellow cake. We don’t have any cake.”

Despite the Persians’ insistence on a withdrawal, Buddesian forces continued to surround the alley, with the aircat carrier USS Tremendous patrolling one end.

Sailors aboard the USS Tremendous, which was deployed to the Alley of Four Moose after Xerxes and Jazmin closed it.

Although President Buddy faces growing concern about the standoff with cats in his own party, he told felines at a Friday rally that a favorable resolution was imminent.

“I wrote the Deal of the Art,” the president told the crowd. “Nobody negotiates like I do. I’ll talk about, like, nine different things, and they all come back brilliantly together. And it’s like – and friends of mine that are English professors – they say it’s the most brilliant thing they’ve ever seen. So the Persians – and by the way, Tuesday will be litter box day, and food bowl day. They’ll be gone, obliterated in one day. So those are very powerful numbers, and we’re gonna attack the Siamese next.”