Tag: angry cat

Kate Beckinsale’s Cat Is Not Amused

From the Department of Your Kitty Hates Being Forced to Wear Costumes, we have Kate Beckinsale’s cat barely concealing his rage in front of a Christmas tree.

The scowling Persian’s name is Clive, and he’s 11 years old. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s thinking “I’m too old for this shit…” and planning increasingly spectacular ways to kill his human.

Dip him in some green dye and he’d be a dead ringer for the Grinch!

Seriously, this cat is not happy. Look at the tail twitching in irritation and his eyes narrowing in fury:

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Bad Santa ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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This is not the first time the Underworld actress has subjected poor Clive to such indignities. A few days before Christmas of 2017 Beckinsale dressed the little guy as a dinosaur, and he seemed to hate it slightly less than he hates this year’s Santa costume.

I’d suffer death by a thousand cuts if I tried to squeeze Buddy into a costume like this:

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Clive woke up in beast mode

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Buddy Reads Internet Comments

Buddy: Watcha doin’, amigo?

Big Buddy: Nothing much, just looking at some NBA box scores before bed.

Buddy: Can you go back to the comments on that last story about me? The one where you exaggerate how I wait for you by the door…

Big Buddy: How exactly was that story exaggerated?

Buddy: I don’t wait for you by the door when you leave. I merely take a nap in proximity to the door. There’s a difference.

Big Buddy: Uh, okay then.

Buddy: Just read the comments!

Big Buddy: Okay. Wow, this one is very complementary: “Buddy is the most handsome tabby alive. Stunningly beautiful! Those eyes…”

Buddy: I like that one. More!

Big Buddy: Okay here’s one that says “He’s an absolutely beautiful cat,” and the next comment reads “What a sweetheart!”

Buddy: It’s true, isn’t it? I’m almost too handsome and charming. More!

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Big Buddy: All right, this one says “Buddy has exquisite eyes.” Here’s another that says “What a gorgeous cat!” Oh, and you’ll like this: “Buddy is quite the hottie!”

Buddy: That’s what I’m talking about! People are finally recognizing my good looks! More!

Big Buddy: All right, what do we have here? “Buddy is a vain little jerk. I bet he rolls around in his own poop!”

Buddy: WHAT?! Who wrote that?

Big Buddy: Someone named LosGatos13. Pfffft. Wow. Listen to this one: “What a fat bastard. The police would throw him in jail, but he’d just eat his way out.” Ouch. Oh, this one from ChickMagnet217 is even worse: “Buddy is so fat, I took a photo of him last year and it’s still printing.”

Buddy: WHAT?!? Let me see that!

Big Buddy: Is that steam coming out of your ears?

Buddy: Buy us a plane ticket, now!

Big Buddy: Uh, why?

Buddy: Because you and I are going to fly from the internet to find this ChickMagnet217 and beat him up!

Big Buddy: You weigh 10 pounds. What are you doing to do, shred his ankles?

Buddy: No, I’m going to wait for you to beat him up, then I’m going to jump on top of him and slap him silly!

Big Buddy: That’s an assault charge, little dude. If I’m buying a plane ticket it’s gonna be to someplace warm where they put little umbrellas in cocktails, not to some nerd’s house.

Buddy: I’m sure they have umbrellas and cocktails wherever ChickMagnet217 lives. This is important. I order you, as my servant, to buy the ticket!

Big Buddy: No.

Buddy: Buy it!

Big Buddy: Nope. Calm down. Go take a nap or something.

FOUR DAYS LATER…

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[There’s a knock at the door. I open it to find two unamused police detectives standing in the apartment hallway.]

Big Buddy: What can I do for you, officers?

Detective: I’m looking for a Buddy…

Big Buddy: You’ll have to be more specific, I’m afraid…

[Detective holds up a turkey-stained envelope in an evidence bag, with ChickMagnet217’s address and my return address written in sloppy crayon.)

Detective: Are you familiar with the Interstate Fecal Transport Act of 1972? It’s a federal offense to mail shit across state lines, punishable by up to five years in prison.

Big Buddy: Could you hold that thought a second? Thanks.

[Clears throat]

Buddy! Come here, Bud, these nice men are from the cat food company and you’ve just won a years’ supply of Savory Turkey Entree!

[Buddy comes tearing toward the door and skids to a halt, looking up at me and the detectives.]

Buddy: A whole year of turkey? Wow!

Big Buddy: Yup! You’ll just have to go with these two gentlemen here. They’ll take you back to the, uh, pet food headquarters to sign some paperwork for your turkey. Bye, Bud!

buddy_delicious
“A whole year’s supply of turkey! I hit the jackpot!”

Murder or Affection? Ask Your Cat!

Luis Navarro was having trouble breathing at night, so he set up a video camera to film himself while sleeping, Paranormal Activity style.

Sure enough the footage revealed something terrifying: The Texas man’s tabby cat was climbing into bed with him and clamping down like a facehugger from Alien, smothering his face in fur!

To explain this behavior we turned to Buddy, who offered his insights and expertise as a cat.

Big Buddy: Thanks for taking the time to help us make sense of these images, Bud.

Little Buddy: You’re very welcome. Just remember my fee in treats is due at the end of this conversation. Ten Temptations.

BB: Six!

LB: Eleven!

BB: Six!

LB: Nine! That’s as low as I go.

BB: Then I guess we’ll have to find another cat to answer…

LB: No! No. Six it is. You drive a hard bargain, human.

BB: That’s because I’m the one who has to clean up your puke if you get sick. So anyway, what’s going on in these photos?

LB: Okay, the kitty jumps into bed with Luis.

BB: Yes.

LB: And he hugs Luis’ face.

BB: Yes. We can see that. But why?

LB: Well, humans always want to see the best in us, so they’ll convince themselves that Luis’ cat loves him so much and it’s just a hug.

BB: You’re saying it’s not a hug?

LB: Of course not. It’s practice.

BB: Practice…for what?

LB: Isn’t it obvious? Murder. For when Luis becomes a stingy jerk and gives him six treats instead of 10.

BB: Oh! Still with the Temptations?

LB: I feel undervalued.

BB: You didn’t even answer the question!

LB: I did so! Now you know what happens to stingy humans who hold out on their feline masters. I believe you owe me 10 treats, sir.

So there you have it. Don’t piss off a cat, or he’ll murder you and make it look like the most adorable, loving murder ever.