EL PASO — The notorious Los Gatos catnip cartel used a 12km-long tunnel to smuggle their product directly into the big house, the FBI said on Friday after discovering the clandestine passage.
With an underground route leading to the basement of Animal Control, Los Gatos moved an estimated 125 pounds of catnip and 80 pounds of silvervine — with a street value of 32 cans of wet food per ounce — to inmates every week, according to the Feline Bureau of Investigation.
The slippery cartel couldn’t have constructed and operated the tunnel without the help of at least one animal control officer, authorities said.
“Our investigation indicates they had a man on the inside in addition to the cats who received the shipments,” Special Agent Purrlock Holmes said. “The raw product was brought into a sub-basement where it was cut with oregano and Moroccan mint, then bagged for distribution to the inmates.”
The animal control facility, which houses an estimated 230 cats in addition to more than 100 dogs, was placed on lockdown after Feline Bureau of Investigation agents raided the tunnels and facilities.
The sudden cut-off of catnip has precipitated withdrawal among the feline inmate population, overwhelming the facility’s medical staff.
“At least half our cats are suffering from acute withdrawal from catnip and silver vine,” said one doctor who declined to provide her name. “We’ve got cats throwing up in their cells, alternating between sweating and chills, and blowing up their own litter boxes with unprecedented eliminations. It’s not pretty.”
Los Gatos denied knowledge of or involvement in the tunnel in a statement provided by a spokescat.
“Like all organizations with a stake in our community, Los Gatos has been focused on keeping cats safe during this terrible pandemic,” the group wrote in the statement. “We are a charitable organization and we grow weary of these libelous and slanderous claims that we’re somehow involved in illicit activities. Thankfully we have a pretty good idea of who is spreading these vicious rumors, and that feline will be dealt with. In the kindest way, of course.”
Join us, dear readers, as we celebrate the one-year anniversary of Pain In The Bud!
We’ve reached a modest 700 million readers in our first year and plan to do even better in our second year, replacing Google and Facebook at the very top of the traffic rankings and becoming the number one internet destination for people looking to waste their time.
Critics and readers alike are united in their effusive praise for Pain In The Bud:
“Absolute idiots. It’s difficult to tell which one has fewer brain cells, the human or the cat.” – Time
“Doesn’t even qualify as decent bathroom reading material.” – Rolling Stone
“Outstanding! Easily the best blog on the Internet!” – The Buddy Review
“An indictment of the American education system. I feel dumber for having read it.” – Oprah Winfrey
“Why should you care about the exploits of Buddy the Cat? You shouldn’t. His catnip-addled mind is limited to producing tedious fart jokes and dispensing mind-numbingly ridiculous advice to readers misguided enough to seek out his opinion.” – Wall Street Journal
“An extraordinary blog focused on an exceptional cat whose wit is sharper than Valyrian steel. Endlessly entertaining.” – The Buddesian Times
“A catnip junkie and the human who enables him. Gives all cats a bad rep.” – Veterinary Association of America
“An unfiltered look into the depraved depths of the feline psyche. The blog mostly works as a celebration of legendary stupidity.” – Psychology Today
“Has there ever been a cat more handsome and interesting than Buddy? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way.” – The Chronicle of Higher Buddy
Meanwhile, we’re celebrating Buddy’s adoptaversary! Well, celebrating is probably not the right word since we’re stuck indoors in the middle of a pandemic, in the area with the most infections if you don’t count Wuhan’s fake statistics.
Still, celebrate we will. No matter how dark these times are, there’s always turkey and catnip!
NEW YORK — Touting its concern for catnip junkies and the nip-slingers who deal to them, the Los Gatos criminal gang became the latest organization to issue social distancing guidelines on Thursday.
The new guidelines represent the gang’s effort “to find new and innovative ways to deliver quality narcotics to our customers,” the gang said in a statement after veterinary authorities announced cats are susceptible to COVID-19.
“The safety and health of our drug dealers is of the utmost importance in the trying days ahead of us,” said the cartel, which deals almost exclusively in catnip and silver vine. “However, our dealers serve a vital function in our communities, not unlike pharmacies, and must remain in business for the benefit of cats who need the good stuff.
“That’s why we’ve implemented contact-less nip transactions, allowing our customers to get their fix without exposing themselves to the possibility of infection,” the notice read. “Users can visit our website or download our app to place orders. Use promo code BUDDYISAWIMP to get 20 percent off your first order of Meowie Wowie or Purrple Haze!”
The Buddy Organization, Los Gatos’ primary rival in the catnip distribution industry, has yet to respond or offer its own social distance policy.
Sources inside the organization say Buddy himself has been missing for days, with rampant speculation that the gray tabby has been hiding under his human’s bed since learning cats can contract the Coronavirus.
“That COVIDIOT has left us high and dry while the Los Gatos are muscling in on our territory,” one exasperated source complained. “Sales are down 73 percent over the last week and he’s nowhere to be seen!”
A spokescat for Buddy denied the reports.
“That’s ridiculous and frankly offensive,” the spokescat said. “Buddy is absolutely not scared of garbage trucks, paper bags, vacuum cleaners or toddlers, and he sure as heck isn’t scared of Coronavirus. He doesn’t even drink beer.”
Unused Audio Commentary for The Big Lebowski, 20th anniversary Blu-ray special edition with 32 seconds of extra footage, featuring Buddy the Cat and his human, Big Buddy.
Big Buddy the Human: Hello and thanks for joining us on this special commentary track for one of the most beloved cult films of the past quarter century.
Little Buddy the Cat: The Big Lebowski!
Big Buddy: Yep. There’s a Big Lebowski and a Little Lebowski, just like I’m Big Buddy and you’re Little Buddy.
Little Buddy: Let me guess: The Little Lebowski is the more awesome of the two, and he’s the hero of the story?
Big Buddy: That’s correct. Although in this movie he’s referred to as “The Dude” by anyone who knows him, just like you’re “The Jerk” to anyone who knows you. Now we see the opening shots of a supermarket as the Dude shops for a pint of milk. This movie is set in the 1990s. George Bush is on the TV warning Saddam Hussein: “This aggression will not stand!”
Little Buddy: No, it will not!
Big Buddy: I love this part. The Dude doesn’t even get his foot in the door of his home before these thugs grab him. They’re dunking his head in the toilet bowl.
Little Buddy: His litter box! Oh that’s nasty.
Big Buddy: They want money. They keep saying “Where’s the money, Lebowski?” as they dunk his face into the toilet. And now probably the most pivotal moment in the movie…the second thug pees on The Dude’s rug.
Little Buddy: Unbelievable! Who would do something like that? Who would pee on a rug? Certainly not I.
Big Buddy: Says the rug-pee-er.
Little Buddy: I am not!
Big Buddy: Please. Your kind are notorious for pissing all over rugs. It’s like a national pastime with you people.
Little Buddy: ‘You people’? ‘Your kind’? That’s so racialist!
Big Buddy: You’re a cat, you can’t be the victim of racism.
Little Buddy: We’re not here to talk about me peeing on rugs. We’re here to talk about thugs peeing on The Dude’s rug. Why does The Dude owe them money?
Big Buddy: He doesn’t. That’s the whole point. These thugs have the wrong Lebowski.
Little Buddy: So they peed on the wrong Lebowski’s rug? That rug really tied the room together! Please tell me The Dude gets a good rug to replace the one that’s been peed on.
Big Buddy: That’s the plot of this movie. One man’s relentless search for a perfect rug to tie the room together and replace the rug that’s been peed on.
Little Buddy: I like it already! What’s this?
Big Buddy: This is a bowling alley, where people play a game called bowling…
Little Buddy: Are they…?
Big Buddy: Yes.
Little Buddy: Hold on, hold on! You’re telling me humans play a game in which the object is to swipe things off a flat surface?!
Big Buddy: That’s correct.
Little Buddy: And you never thought to tell me this? You know how much I love swiping things off flat surfaces!
Big Buddy: I never really thought of it that way, but I suppose you would like…
Little Buddy: This is vital information! When can we go?!?
Big Buddy: Well how about we watch the movie first? I promise there’s a ton of bowling in it for you to get your vicarious thrills. Then we can talk about going bowling.
Little Buddy: Deal. This is gonna be so much fun!
Big Buddy: Okay. So we get this establishing shot of synchronized bowlers, and now we meet the rest of our heroes — The Dude’s friends, Walter and Donnie.
Little Buddy: Walter is upset about something. He doesn’t roll on Shabbos.
Big Buddy: No, he does not.
Big Buddy: So as The Dude tells them the story about the desecrated rug, it’s Walter’s idea to confront the Big Lebowski to get compensation. After all, those thugs were looking for him, not The Dude. The Dude takes Walter’s advice and goes to speak to The Big Lebowski.
Little Buddy: Who’s this guy?
Big Buddy: That’s Brandt, the Big Lebowski’s Butler.
Little Buddy: Ah. His servant, like you are for me.
Big Buddy: Not exactly. Brandt shows The Dude around, tells him about the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, and introduces him to The Big Lebowski himself.
Little Buddy: This guy is the Big Lebowski?
Big Buddy: Yep.
Little Buddy: I was expecting a much bigger Lebowski.
Big Buddy: Well I suppose “The Slightly Larger Lebowski” doesn’t have the same ring to it.
Little Buddy: The Big Lebowski doesn’t seem very receptive to The Dude’s argument.
Big Buddy: That’s putting it mildly. He thinks The Dude is a joint-smoking deadbeat.
Little Buddy: That’s because The Dude is a joint-smoking deadbeat. It looks like a wonderful life. Catnip, naps and food.
Big Buddy: How is that different from your daily existence?
Little Buddy: It’s not, which is why I love The Dude. Speaking of, where’s the nip?
Big Buddy: You want it now? Seriously?
Little Buddy: Gimme, gimme! I feel like I should be on The Dude’s wavelength when I watch this movie. Thanks, amigo!
Big Buddy: Okay. So I like how The Dude isn’t dissuaded. The Big Lebowski is screaming at him, refusing to compensate him for his rug, and does that stop him? No! He just leaves and tells Brandt: “The old man told me to take any rug in the house.”
Little Buddy: Who’s this lady painting her toes?
Big Buddy: That’s Bunny Lebowski, the Big Lebowski’s trophy wife.
Little Buddy: She’s asking The Dude to blow on her toes, and he does, but she says he has to pay $1,000 if he wants her to blow his toes. That hardly seems fair.
Big Buddy: She’s not offering to blow on his toes, she’s…ah, nevermind. You wouldn’t understand.
Little Buddy: Why?
Big Buddy: Because you’re a cat.
Little Buddy: Racialist!
Big Buddy: A neutered cat.
Little Buddy: What’s noodured?
Big Buddy: Nevermind. The Dude tells Bunny he’s going to find an ATM, but now we’re back at the bowling alley with Walter and Donny.
Little Buddy: Is that a dog in a carrier?
Big Buddy: Yes.
Little Buddy: That’s absurd! Who brings a dumb animal bowling? Especially a dumb animal who most certainly does not appreciate the finer things in life, like swiping objects off flat surfaces.
(ON SCREEN) WALTER: “What do you mean “brought it bowling”? I didn’t rent it shoes. I’m not buying it a fucking beer. He’s not gonna take your fucking turn, Dude.”
Little Buddy: See? The Dude and I think alike. Whoah! A gun! Walter has a gun! What’s he doing?
Big Buddy: He’s threatening Smokey, another bowler. He says Smokey was over the line when he bowled.
Little Buddy: Oh. Then why not just shoot him? Mark it zero!
Big Buddy: Smokey marks it zero.
Little Buddy: Hell yeah.
Big Buddy: Walter and The Dude gotta bounce quick, one of the managers is calling the cops.
Little Buddy: *yawn* What for?
Big Buddy: For pulling a gun during a game of bowling, little guy! You can’t just do that to people. Oh, I love this part when they walk to the car and argue…
Big Buddy: Bud?
Big Buddy: Buddy, wake up!
Big Buddy: I knew it. Okay, that’s all for today, folks, Buddy is in a catnip coma and I don’t think he’s waking up any time soon. Join us next time for Part II of Unused Audio Commentary: The Big Lebowski! Thanks for rolling with us on Shabbos.
Chronicling the adventures of Buddy the Cat and his various criminal enterprises.