scent marking – Pain In The Bud

Conservationists Use Buddy’s Scent To Keep Big Cats Away From Livestock

Just a spritz of Essence of Buddy has been proven to send the most feared predators fleeing in terror.

KENYA – The formidable lion emerged from tangled brush and padded silently across a dirt road until he reached the shade of a large acacia tree.

He stopped dead in his tracks, nose wrinkled, mouth slightly ajar, and sampled the air as a small device attached to the tree trunk surreptitiously pumped aerosolized mist into the breeze.

Despite his previous determination to keep pushing forward and the bleating of sheep just a few hundred feet away, the colossal predator gave the air a final sniff, cowered in fear, then did an about-face and beat a hasty retreat.

What could cause an apex predator in its prime to willingly give up easy kills and flee in terror?

A unique pheromone, it turns out, from a legendary tabby cat in New York.

A scientist in a white lab coat, glasses, and blue gloves is writing in a notebook at a table. Various colorful liquids in glass containers are displayed on the table, with a chalkboard full of scientific formulas and diagrams in the background. — A chemist carefully synthesizes Buddesian pheromones. Credit: Vitaly Gariev/Pexels

Known as EoB, or Essence of Buddy, the pheromonal compound was successful in more than 95 percent of trials to keep big cats away from farms and ranches in Kenya, South Africa and Congo, according to a paper published this month in the Scholarly Journal of Apex Predators.

“Pheromones from rival lions, leopards, even bears and rhinos have efficacy rates ranging from just 20 percent to barely more than 50 percent,” study co-author Vito Commardo wrote. “But nothing compares to Essence of Buddy, which is nature’s equivalent of a warning sign emblazoned in neon. It says ‘Do not cross this boundary. Certain death awaits you if you do.'”

The miracle substance was discovered by chance when residents of a New York apartment building found their dogs refused to set paw on one floor. After eliminating a wide range of causes, a hunch led the building’s superintendent to call a zoologist friend. Using specialized equipment, the zoologist detected pheromones that were “off the charts.”

“It was incredible,” said wildlife biologist Jasper de Zoet. “The effect of Buddy’s pheromones is so powerful that merely stopping the elevator on his floor is enough to turn the largest, most aggressive dogs to whimpering, pitiful animals who soil themselves.”

In a test run at a local zoo, polar bears cowered in their cave when their habitat was sprayed with Essence of Buddy.

A victorious mixed martial artist celebrates in the ring, with one hand raised by the referee, surrounded by spectators and a camera crew. — Chael Sonnen’s opponent forfeited a match before the opening bell after smelling Buddy’s powerful pheromones. Credit: UFC

There’s even evidence EoB affects human behavior. The MMA fighter Chael Sonnen, looking for an edge in the Octagon, spritzed himself with the famed cat’s pheromones distilled in a cologne bottle. His opponent forfeited the match before the opening bell.

That prompted Buddy the Cat’s appearance on Joe Rogan’s podcast, where the feline sat stoically as Rogan questioned him and his assistants plied him with treats.

“We can’t have a cat of your status in the studio without asking you about UFOs because, bro, you’re totally an alpha,” Rogan told Buddy. “So what do you think of these new files about crashed ships and biologics?”

Buddy was silent for several seconds, then leaned into the microphone and said: “Mrrrrp!”

Rogan and his staff were bowled over.

“I knew it!” the podcaster said. “I knew it, bro! Jamie, type ‘mrrrrp’ into Google and find out what that means. Look that up.”

A close-up of a gray cat with green eyes, looking playfully up with its head tilted and front paws resting against a cushion. — Buddy, the feline who makes Earth’s mightiest creatures cower in fear, looking particularly intimidating in a candid shot.

While conservationists plan to use EoB to keep big cats away from ranches and farms, others have come knocking, including Secretary of War Pete Hegseth.

“We’re interested in synthesizing Essence of Buddy and combining it with mandatory testosterone shots to give our warriors that chiseled, strong-jawed look President Trump likes,” Hegseth told host Sean Hannity on Fox News. “And to give them an edge on the battlefield, of course.”

“Buddy is a great American,” Hannity replied.

“A great American,” Hegseth agreed.

Buddy himself could not be reached for this story. More than 20 calls were placed to his residence over the course of three days, but each time a man identified only as his “servant, butler and manager” said the popular feline was sleeping.

Which Colognes Drive Cats Crazy? Buddy The Cat Investigates!

After learning that wildcats — including jaguars, tigers and ocelots — love Calvin Klein’s Obsession for Men, Buddy the Cat explores the world of colognes to find one that drives domestic kitties crazy.

Earlier we wrote about the accidental discovery that ocelots respond enthusiastically to Calvin Klein’s Obsession for Men. Subsequent experiments proved jaguars and tigers are particularly fond of the scent as well.

Then a reader’s comment posed a question so obvious, we’re ashamed we didn’t think of it ourselves: do domestic kitties like colognes?

To find out, we asked Buddy the Cat, aka Little Buddy, to evaluate several fragrances. He’s taken the assignment seriously and provided thoughtful analysis, giving us just a hint of what it’s like to have an incredibly keen feline sense of smell.

Dolce and Gabbana Pour Homme

“The first ecstatic whiff takes me back to kittenhood. Days napping in the sun and chasing flies. Fresh cut grass and fragrant foliage. I was so deep into my reverie that the base notes nearly bowled me over when they arrived suddenly in their regal glories, like a king’s entourage without a herald. Rich cedar and musk evoke hours spent luxuriating in the potent funk of my human’s sneakers. Quiet woods and spices, like a litter box a day after feasting on rabbit, gently whisper of naps. Buddy likes this one!”

Cool Water by Davidoff

“Its initial briny hints conjure impressions of a dock at low tide, fish baking in the sun while a graybeard captain lights his pipe. Through confident middle notes, its warm embrace gently tugs you inward, like an antiquarian beckoning you inside a rare book shop with a rodent infestation. Aged leather book bindings and dark oak react provocatively with the paw-licking intensity of decadent mouse urine. Meowgnificent!”

Jaguar by Jaguar

“A carnival of candy for the nose, like accompanying your human to the bathroom post-Chipotle! The first hints arrive furtively, like a disguised aristocrat casting nervous glances as he makes a beeline for a brothel. Then it asserts itself in force: an army of jaguars advancing in the moonlight, their meowscles rippling in the silver mist, scent-marking in unison! Musk, civetone, ammonia. Pheromonic bliss!”

Drakkar Noir by Guy Laroche

“Powerful but restrained, like a certain silver tabby in his carrier, a single spritz of this magnificent scent conjures memories of halcyon days as a young feline. Mid notes whisper of woods and spices, a grove of wild catnip undulating in a summer breeze. Underneath it all is an unshakable foundation of warmth, like being swaddled in my human’s t-shirt after it’s been worn on a humid 97 degree day.”

Tyrannosaurus Rex by Zoologist

“Bergamot and verdant iridescence arrive as our olfactory escorts, ushering us in to a delectably frisky gourmand accord. It’s as if we’re drifting on chocolate seas with vanilla currents playfully nudging us to shore where beefy undertones await. Umami! Steaks sizzle, beckoning our noses toward the grill, stomachs rumbling. A most delicious scent!”

So there you have it. T Rex emerges as the winner in this round, but can it compare to mainstays by Yves Saint Laurent and Giorgio Armani? Only Buddy can tell us. Tune in next time as we accompany the Budster on an aromatic journey!

10 Signs That Your Kitty Tolerates You

“Does my cat love me?” many people wonder. The answer is no, because you’re an annoying human. But here are 10 clear signs that your cat tolerates you!

“Does my cat love me?”

If you’re like most cat servants, you’ve wondered about that at least a few times, laboring under the misconception that we can’t communicate our feelings. (We can, but you humans are not smart enough to see what’s in front of your faces!)

The internet is peppered with absurd listicles that supposedly answer the question of whether your cat loves you. They claim proximity, purring, slow-blinking and grooming are signs of affection, again because most humans are incapable of complex thought and simply cannot fathom the motivations of a superior species.

Because I am a benevolent feline, and one who is burdened with a particularly dense human, I present to you an authentic list of signs that your kitty … well, love is a strong word, isn’t it? Let’s call it a list of 10 Signs That Your Kitty Tolerates You:

We don’t eat you. You might think that we can’t eat you because we’re not as big as tigers, lions, jaguars and leopards. You would be wrong, as humans frequently are. We have no qualms about eating humans when there are no other options, although if we’re being completely honest we’d eat just about anything before resigning ourselves to that.
We tolerate your proximity. Did you know that for many thousands of years, humans thought the Earth was the center of the universe, and that the sun, other planets and star systems all revolved around the terrestrial home of homo sapiens? It’s that kind of hubris that leads humans to believe we cats love them because we supposedly prefer to be near them. The truth is, we merely tolerate humans and we often don’t have a choice when it comes to proximity unless we’re living in 50-room mansions. Where else are we supposed to go in a four-room apartment?
We don’t murder you. You humans have convinced yourselves that our warnings are “love bites.” We are happy to correct you by increasing our bite force.
We allow you to scoop our poop. Do not kid yourself, human. If you are trusted to clean our turds, it means you occupy a lofty position in life. Consider yourself lucky.
We bring you gifts. Again, humans misinterpret this behavior as “cute.” They think we’re sharing our kills. What we’re really doing is showing you what we’re capable of. Think of it as motivation: Continue serving my meals on schedule and dispensing treats, and you won’t end up like this mouse.
We show you our bellies. “It’s a sign of trust!” imbecilic humans coo. “Kitty is showing you she feels comfortable and safe in your presence!” If there were an Olympics for getting things tragically wrong, humans would sweep gold. We show you our bellies not because we trust you, but because we want you to know that even when we’re laying in vulnerable positions, we aren’t worried about what you can do to us. You’re slow of wit and limb.
Credit: Krysten Merriman/Pexels
We rub ourselves against you. “Mr. Snuggles rubs up against me all the time to tell me he loves me!” a tragically misinformed person might say. Nope. You’re right about the scent-marking glands. We have them on our cheeks, paws and our forehead, but we’re simply marking ownership by rubbing against you. When you write your name on your lunch bag before you toss it into the work fridge, does that mean you love the bag? No. It just means “Don’t eat my lunch!” Same thing here. We are telling other cats to look elsewhere for servants, because we own you.
We groom you. You’re disgusting. We groom you because we can’t stand your stink. End of.
We knead you. Yet again, humans misinterpret a malicious activity as “cute” and endearing. It’s a marvel that your species has survived as long as it has. What do you do with a piece of steak before you cook it? Tenderize it, of course! Kneading is just a long tenderizing process carried out over years, so when you die and no one notices because you have no friends, and the cat food runs out, we can eat you without major difficulties. That still doesn’t mean you taste good.
We meow at you. Long ago we felines realized that humans are not smart enough to speak tail or whisker, so we endeavored to speak your “language,” a series of grunts and guttural vocalizations that supposedly carry meaning. But when we stoop to “speaking” your tongue, you respond with gibberish. Tell us, which species is supposed to be the intelligent one?

So there you have it, humans. Ten signs your beloved feline tolerates your presence, as long as you conduct your basic duties as a cat servant competently. Let no one claim Buddy the Cat isn’t a friend to the human race, revealing the mysteries of catdom so that you might serve us more competently.

Okay, fine! I love my human. But he’s perpetually on thin ice, and he knows it.

Top image: Buddy the Cat looks approvingly at his human, Big Buddy. That may seem like a scowl, but rest assured it is the kindest facial expression Buddy directs at his loyal servant. All other photos allegedly depicting a loving Buddy are in fact fake news, and should be ruthlessly censored.