Pete Hegseth – Pain In The Bud

KENYA – The formidable lion emerged from tangled brush and padded silently across a dirt road until he reached the shade of a large acacia tree.

He stopped dead in his tracks, nose wrinkled, mouth slightly ajar, and sampled the air as a small device attached to the tree trunk surreptitiously pumped aerosolized mist into the breeze.

Despite his previous determination to keep pushing forward and the bleating of sheep just a few hundred feet away, the colossal predator gave the air a final sniff, cowered in fear, then did an about-face and beat a hasty retreat.

What could cause an apex predator in its prime to willingly give up easy kills and flee in terror?

A unique pheromone, it turns out, from a legendary tabby cat in New York.

A scientist in a white lab coat, glasses, and blue gloves is writing in a notebook at a table. Various colorful liquids in glass containers are displayed on the table, with a chalkboard full of scientific formulas and diagrams in the background. — A chemist carefully synthesizes Buddesian pheromones. Credit: Vitaly Gariev/Pexels

Known as EoB, or Essence of Buddy, the pheromonal compound was successful in more than 95 percent of trials to keep big cats away from farms and ranches in Kenya, South Africa and Congo, according to a paper published this month in the Scholarly Journal of Apex Predators.

“Pheromones from rival lions, leopards, even bears and rhinos have efficacy rates ranging from just 20 percent to barely more than 50 percent,” study co-author Vito Commardo wrote. “But nothing compares to Essence of Buddy, which is nature’s equivalent of a warning sign emblazoned in neon. It says ‘Do not cross this boundary. Certain death awaits you if you do.'”

The miracle substance was discovered by chance when residents of a New York apartment building found their dogs refused to set paw on one floor. After eliminating a wide range of causes, a hunch led the building’s superintendent to call a zoologist friend. Using specialized equipment, the zoologist detected pheromones that were “off the charts.”

“It was incredible,” said wildlife biologist Jasper de Zoet. “The effect of Buddy’s pheromones is so powerful that merely stopping the elevator on his floor is enough to turn the largest, most aggressive dogs to whimpering, pitiful animals who soil themselves.”

In a test run at a local zoo, polar bears cowered in their cave when their habitat was sprayed with Essence of Buddy.

A victorious mixed martial artist celebrates in the ring, with one hand raised by the referee, surrounded by spectators and a camera crew. — Chael Sonnen’s opponent forfeited a match before the opening bell after smelling Buddy’s powerful pheromones. Credit: UFC

There’s even evidence EoB affects human behavior. The MMA fighter Chael Sonnen, looking for an edge in the Octagon, spritzed himself with the famed cat’s pheromones distilled in a cologne bottle. His opponent forfeited the match before the opening bell.

That prompted Buddy the Cat’s appearance on Joe Rogan’s podcast, where the feline sat stoically as Rogan questioned him and his assistants plied him with treats.

“We can’t have a cat of your status in the studio without asking you about UFOs because, bro, you’re totally an alpha,” Rogan told Buddy. “So what do you think of these new files about crashed ships and biologics?”

Buddy was silent for several seconds, then leaned into the microphone and said: “Mrrrrp!”

Rogan and his staff were bowled over.

“I knew it!” the podcaster said. “I knew it, bro! Jamie, type ‘mrrrrp’ into Google and find out what that means. Look that up.”

A close-up of a gray cat with green eyes, looking playfully up with its head tilted and front paws resting against a cushion. — Buddy, the feline who makes Earth’s mightiest creatures cower in fear, looking particularly intimidating in a candid shot.

While conservationists plan to use EoB to keep big cats away from ranches and farms, others have come knocking, including Secretary of War Pete Hegseth.

“We’re interested in synthesizing Essence of Buddy and combining it with mandatory testosterone shots to give our warriors that chiseled, strong-jawed look President Trump likes,” Hegseth told host Sean Hannity on Fox News. “And to give them an edge on the battlefield, of course.”

“Buddy is a great American,” Hannity replied.

“A great American,” Hegseth agreed.

Buddy himself could not be reached for this story. More than 20 calls were placed to his residence over the course of three days, but each time a man identified only as his “servant, butler and manager” said the popular feline was sleeping.

The controversy over leaked war plans expanded Monday after new reports revealed a journalist was not the only outsider added to a text group between senior members of the administration.

Buddy the Cat, a domestic tabby from New York, was also invited to the group and subsequently made privy to classified information, the White House acknowledged.

While Atlantic editor Jeffrey Goldberg observed the text conversation between senior members of the Trump administration without participating in the exchange, sources say Buddy the Cat tried to convince Pete Hegseth, the defense secretary, to bomb London’s Isle of Dogs.

In addition, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt grudgingly acknowledged Buddy was able to convince Hegseth and Kristi Noem, the homeland security secretary, to send federal agents to the home of a cat named Smudge, describing him as “a gastronomic terrorist who hates America and will stop at nothing to claim all the snacks for himself.”

When administration officials denied knowing Buddy the Cat, social media users began unearthing dozens of photos of the feline associating with national leaders. No one knows how deep the conspiracy goes.

Initially White House officials denied the feline was given access to the text group, with Leavitt calling it “an egregious example of the fake news media inventing absurd stories,” but they were forced to acknowledge the veracity of the incident when confronted with copies of the exchange.

“Folks, we are cleared for go, CENTCOM has given us the green light for the fifth strike package,” Hegseth wrote. “F-18 launch imminent.”

“Are we just going to ignore the Isle of Dogs?” Buddy the Cat texted in response.

The text caused confusion, with several senior officials speculating on the sender’s identity.

“The contact says ‘BTC.’ Who the heck is this?” Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard asked.

“It’s [US Marine Corps] Gen. [Barrington T.] Caldwell,” replied Mike Waltz, the National Security Advisor. “Got to be.”

Noem also initially tried to distance herself from the scandal by claiming she didn’t know Buddy, but photographs soon emerged of the tabby cat lounging on the podium while she spoke at CPAC in 2003.

It’s not clear how senior White House officials were convinced by a cat that a London neighborhood was related to an Iran-backed Shia militia in Yemen, but an anonymous official credited Buddy the Cat for “being very convincing. We all thought he was the general.”

While the feline’s suggestion to bomb the London neighborhood was co-signed by Hegseth, it was ultimately rejected by CENTCOM, which noted the UK is an allied country and there was no indication “terrorist dogs” populated the London neighborhood.

More successful was Buddy the Cat’s suggestion to send a federal strike team to the home of Smudge, his archrival.

The chonky cat screeched his innocence after heavily armed and armored federal agents smashed the door down and found him mid-bowel movement in his litter box.

“1337et: Agents have located the CHONKY little jerk in his domicile, where they found fresh explosive materials in his litter box and a suspiciously well-stocked cupboard,” Buddy wrote to the Houthi PC Small Group.

“Congrats, general!” Waltz wrote, while Noem called the arrest “a major win for American freedom and security.”

Reporters, former military officers and intelligence officials criticized the leak, pointing out that if a cat could get access to highly sensitive war plans — and influence them in real time — America’s enemies could do the same. But White House officials pushed back on the criticism, saying it was overblown.

“So someone put a cat on a text chain,” Leavitt said, snapping at a reporter during a press briefing. “So what? You guys are, like, being so dramatic!”