White House – Pain In The Bud

Exclusive: Trump’s New Press Secretary Used AI To ‘Write’ Fawning Columns That Helped Get Her The Job

Katie Zacharia, Trump’s newest propagandist, used a large language model to write obsequious columns that helped put her on his radar.

Like most Americans who saw clips of Katie Zacharia’s debut as the newest ~~Baghdad Bob~~ White House press secretary, I was taken aback by how utterly unprepared she was, and the apparently Herculean struggle required for her to read a handful of sentences aloud, slowly, as she introduced herself.

“Her reading is good for an 11-year-old,” Jimmy Kimmel quipped the following night, and the social web’s been buzzing with bets over whether she’ll last a full Scaramucci before Trump Apprentices her and declares she’s “a terrible person” who was unworthy of lying to Americans on his behalf.

So last night I was reading a story about the fact that, while she’s been loudly and frequently telling anyone willing to listen that she’s a lawyer, no one can find any records that Zacharia passed a bar exam in any US state.

When a reporter asked Trump where Zacharia served as a practicing attorney, the president turned and gestured to Zacharia, who smiled and said “When I moved to China.”

There are just a few small problems with that. China’s bar equivalent is the National Unified Legal Professional Qualification Examination, commonly known as the Fakao. It is notoriously difficult, and it’s only administered in Mandarin, Mongolian, Kazakh, Uyghur and Korean. Also, only citizens of China can take the exam.

Zacharia previously told an interviewer she speaks “a bit of Mandarin,” mostly conversational, and she spent less than three years in the country, which means she would not be able to pass the Fakao even if the test didn’t have a nationality requirement.

There’s a nonzero chance she watched the Netflix Korean drama Extraordinary Attorney Woo a few thousand times, got Xi Jinping to personally waive the citizenship requirement and passed the exam on a combination of osmotic knowledge and luck, just like I can’t entirely eliminate the possibility that my cat is a Bengal tiger with dwarfism.

But that still doesn’t explain why Zacharia claims she held positions as chief counsel and specialist in particular areas of law for US corporations. She could not serve in those roles if she was not an attorney.

A female news commentator speaking on the Matt Gaetz Show, with a city skyline background at night. — A clip of Zacharia telling disgraced former congressman Matt Gaetz that World War II was started by German-speaking Anthony Faucis spreading propaganda about vaccines.

Then the story mentioned Zacharia got the job as press secretary partly on the strength of her relentless glazing of the president in columns she wrote for California Globe, a “non-partisan” politics-oriented site with a focus on the Golden State.

Now I was interested. Perhaps Zacharia isn’t marginally literate and her disastrous debut at the White House podium was due to nerves, particularly at the prospect of serving a man who, in her words, is “without a doubt the greatest president the world has ever seen.”

Zacharia’s columns are saturated with slobbering praise calling Trump an “unparalleled titan of American politics,” a “visionary leader” possessed of “unmatched courage” and “a resolve that defies comprehension.”

Her columns credit him with accomplishments equaling or surpassing those of George Washington, of singlehandedly saving our republic from the shadowy forces of deep state evil. They portray him striding across our political landscape like a colossus who also happens to be a “beacon of liberty,” a mobile lighthouse (AI loves using lighthouses in metaphors) whose towering steps between golf courses and McDonald’s rally True Patriots to America-loving endeavors like storming the Capitol for attempted insurrection. Zacharia also paints Trump, naturally, as the world’s foremost champion of election integrity.

There was another quality to the columns worth noting: they were written by AI.

That is not to say they’re good, because AI writing never is. Rather, they’re the sort of thing a person like Zacharia thinks is impressive, filled with the kind of overwrought language ChatGPT generates when the person doing the prompting asks for moving prose but can’t articulate what that looks like and is too lazy to offer much more than “Write a column describing all the ways Donald Trump is awesome and the greatest president in history. Oh! And flatter him a lot so he’ll notice I exist, I’m blonde, and I kind of look like Ivanka if you squint from a distance. Or that conniving Natalie Harp, who totally doesn’t deserve to be so close to Presisent Trump!”

The columns are saturated with the sort of over-the-top superlatives Trump and his minions believe are acceptable substitutes for basic qualities like integrity and compassion. They vacillate between bursts of excessive glazing and demonstrable lies about the president’s accomplishments, which in reality amount to little more than setting the world on fire while increasing his net worth and that of his minions by many billions.

They’re marked by telltale AI clutches, sentence construction, and the underlying rhythm of the language.

A screenshot of a text editor displaying a letter addressed to President Trump, highlighting his political influence and leadership qualities, along with a tool indicating that the text is 100% AI-generated.

Screenshot of a dashboard displaying AI detection results for a text analysis, showing 89% AI-generated content and 11% human-written content.

Every Zacharia column I ran through Pangram, the premier AI writing detection tool, came back as between 89% and 100% AI written. Perhaps most conclusively, the woman we saw bumbling through sentences equivalent to the prose of a children’s book is not capable of constructing the columns, as bad as they are.

Zacharia’s efforts were so sloppy, she didn’t bother to remove the bolding and other formatting tendencies that mark text as the output of an LLM, in this case ChatGPT:

The one portion of this text Zacharia likely edited by hand was referring to New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani as a communist rather than a democratic socialist, in a column bemoaning the fact that an election worked the way it was supposed to and the winner was the candidate chosen by voters.

Katie Zacharia is not a clever person. Anyone who thinks they can lie their way into a role that comes with national scrutiny, communicating daily to people whose job involves intellectual curiosity, really hasn’t taken into account what happens the second the story becomes about her instead of the Iran war, the midterm races or one of Trump’s other hires behaving disgracefully. Granted, there’s plenty of the latter, although even Kimberly Guilfoyle’s ignominious end as a “public servant” didn’t distract reporters and the public from the Zacharian train wreck they were watching in real time.

Unfortunately for Zacharia, the story became about her the moment she stepped up to that podium. If I were a prediction market guy, I’d put my money on Katie surviving a single Zacharia, a unit of time equal to about half a Scaramucci.

If you’re here for the first time, yes, this is a cat blog, and yes, I believe felines should serve as heads of state. The world can’t possibly be any worse under their leadership, and we’d all be much better rested.

Header image credit: The White House

Report: Trump Officials Added Buddy The Cat To Houthi War Plans Text Group

The mercurial tabby cat tried to convince Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth to bomb the Isle of Dogs, White House officials grudglingly acknowledged.

The controversy over leaked war plans expanded Monday after new reports revealed a journalist was not the only outsider added to a text group between senior members of the administration.

Buddy the Cat, a domestic tabby from New York, was also invited to the group and subsequently made privy to classified information, the White House acknowledged.

While Atlantic editor Jeffrey Goldberg observed the text conversation between senior members of the Trump administration without participating in the exchange, sources say Buddy the Cat tried to convince Pete Hegseth, the defense secretary, to bomb London’s Isle of Dogs.

In addition, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt grudgingly acknowledged Buddy was able to convince Hegseth and Kristi Noem, the homeland security secretary, to send federal agents to the home of a cat named Smudge, describing him as “a gastronomic terrorist who hates America and will stop at nothing to claim all the snacks for himself.”

When administration officials denied knowing Buddy the Cat, social media users began unearthing dozens of photos of the feline associating with national leaders. No one knows how deep the conspiracy goes.

Initially White House officials denied the feline was given access to the text group, with Leavitt calling it “an egregious example of the fake news media inventing absurd stories,” but they were forced to acknowledge the veracity of the incident when confronted with copies of the exchange.

“Folks, we are cleared for go, CENTCOM has given us the green light for the fifth strike package,” Hegseth wrote. “F-18 launch imminent.”

“Are we just going to ignore the Isle of Dogs?” Buddy the Cat texted in response.

The text caused confusion, with several senior officials speculating on the sender’s identity.

“The contact says ‘BTC.’ Who the heck is this?” Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard asked.

“It’s [US Marine Corps] Gen. [Barrington T.] Caldwell,” replied Mike Waltz, the National Security Advisor. “Got to be.”

Noem also initially tried to distance herself from the scandal by claiming she didn’t know Buddy, but photographs soon emerged of the tabby cat lounging on the podium while she spoke at CPAC in 2003.

It’s not clear how senior White House officials were convinced by a cat that a London neighborhood was related to an Iran-backed Shia militia in Yemen, but an anonymous official credited Buddy the Cat for “being very convincing. We all thought he was the general.”

While the feline’s suggestion to bomb the London neighborhood was co-signed by Hegseth, it was ultimately rejected by CENTCOM, which noted the UK is an allied country and there was no indication “terrorist dogs” populated the London neighborhood.

More successful was Buddy the Cat’s suggestion to send a federal strike team to the home of Smudge, his archrival.

The chonky cat screeched his innocence after heavily armed and armored federal agents smashed the door down and found him mid-bowel movement in his litter box.

“1337et: Agents have located the CHONKY little jerk in his domicile, where they found fresh explosive materials in his litter box and a suspiciously well-stocked cupboard,” Buddy wrote to the Houthi PC Small Group.

“Congrats, general!” Waltz wrote, while Noem called the arrest “a major win for American freedom and security.”

Reporters, former military officers and intelligence officials criticized the leak, pointing out that if a cat could get access to highly sensitive war plans — and influence them in real time — America’s enemies could do the same. But White House officials pushed back on the criticism, saying it was overblown.

“So someone put a cat on a text chain,” Leavitt said, snapping at a reporter during a press briefing. “So what? You guys are, like, being so dramatic!”

Increasingly Frustrated Buddy Insists He’s Not Wearing Eyeliner

Despite repeated denials, Buddy the Cat has been dogged by allegations that he wears eyeliner as he campaigns to once again enter the White House as president of the Americats.

NEW YORK — As he crosses the country in his bid to win a second term as president of the Americats, Buddy the Cat has outlined his policy vision, including banning dogs from parks and making bacon one of the major food groups.

But to his frustration, there’s one topic he can’t seem to shake.

“Mr. President,” one reporter asked during a campaign stop in Skokie, Ill., “why do you wear eyeliner?”

Buddy hammered a paw onto the podium before taking a breath and composing himself.

“I don’t wear eyeliner, okay? Next question.”

A Washington bureau chief from CNN (Cat News Network) was called on by the Buddy campaign’s spokescat.

“Mr. President, what would you say to those voters who are convinced you wear eyeliner, and how does your use of eyeliner align with the American Heartland values you claim to champion?”

Buddy’s paws held the podium in a death grip.

“I. Do not. Wear. Eyeliner!” he said, emphasizing each syllable. “My coat pattern has natural dark lines around my eyes. I don’t wear makeup, okay? Can we let this go already?”

Someone coughed in the back of the room, and the CNN staffer took the microphone back.

“So guyliner then,” she said declaratively.

“Not guyliner either! Does anyone have a question about my campaign or the great ideas we have for the country?”

Buddy Americat President — Americat Purrsident Buddy announces sanctions on canines during a press conference on Oct. 30, 2019.

A journalist from Spyglass Magazine in New York spoke up.

“Yes, Mr. President, you said you’d make it a priority on day one to ban all canines from public parks.”

“Yes, that’s right,” Buddy said, nodding. “They’ve had the parks for decades. It’s our turn.”

The reporter looked down at her notes, then back up at Buddy.

“Do you think a politician who wears eyeliner is the right cat to confront the canine species on this topic?” she asked as steam began jetting out of Buddy’s ears. “Shouldn’t the message come from a feline who doesn’t wear cosmetics?”

The room fell silent until a journalist in the back called out: “Perhaps you can share your makeup tips with the country?”

The camera feed cut off just as former President Buddy leapt off the podium toward the press corps. For a few seconds yowling could be heard over the feed before it cut out entirely, replaced by a static message saying the network was experiencing technical difficulties.

While a press release from the Buddy campaign claimed the candidate was “merely hugging his favorite member of the media,” the hashtag #BuddyWearsEyeliner went viral on Meower, with more than 32,000 meows about the former president’s alleged use of the cosmetic.

Pawtriotic Americats: Vote For Buddy!

Former President Buddy wants your vote as he makes another bid for president of the Americats.

Now that Buddy’s officially announced his candidacy to regain his rightful post as President of the Americats, his campaign is in full swing and it’s all-in on classic Americata and Americat imagery.

Buddy, who was narrowly defeated by Purrsident Joe Bitin’ in 2020, then banned from the social media platform Meower after claiming Los Gatos criminal gang was at the forefront of a conspiracy to deny him a second term, criticized his opponent’s age, record and culinary preferences as he took questions from reporters.

Asked by a reporter for Cat Broadcasting Corporation (CBS) how he would approach a rematch with Bitin’, Buddy said he’d take a paws-off approach.

“I don’t need to defeat Joe Bitin’,” Buddy said. “Time is doing it for me. He eats senior kibble. He needs little stairs just to get into the litter box. He thinks it’s 1992. I mean, come on.”

That prompted a reaction from CNN’s (Cat News Network) Panderson Pooper, who pointed out there are health concerns about the former president himself. Photos printed by the New York Lunchtimes showed Buddy on a golf course, his stomach jiggling as he teed off on a par three at New York’s Westchester Country Club.

Asked about his weight, the former president became incensed.

“For the millionth time, I am NOT fat! That’s pure meowscle!” he insisted. “I just look a little floofy because I’ve got a longer coat on my underside, a-and, and a prominent primordial pouch, which I like to call a warrior’s pouch because it exists to protect the vitals of true warrior felines. Like me, of course.”

Buddy visited the Iowa State Fair over the weekend, where he mingled with Americats, helped judge a dance competition, and chowed down on cheesesteaks, fried Oreos, fried turkey legs, fried chicken, hot dogs, hamburgers, chili, hot wings and ice cream. His campaign staff had to repeatedly redirect him away from food stalls and toward potential voters.

Buddy’s primary rival, Florida Gov. John DeSpamis, also worked the crowds at the Fair, but the two cats never came face to face.

Instead, Buddy turned to his own social media network to fire off messages critical of his rival, whom he calls Meatball John.

“Meatball is dead in the water, folks! Polling 40% behind me. Sad!” Buddy wrote. “If only he had stayed in his lane, I might have considered him for Secretary of Yums or put him in charge of toys. But that ship has sailed, so now Meatball will pad back down to Florida with his tail between his legs. Sad!”

Buddy’s nex scheduled campaign stop will take him to the New Hampshire State Fair, where his campaign staff faces a significant challenge in keeping him away from corn dogs, bacon sandwiches, roast turkey and his favorite, turkey fried in a crust of Flaming Hot Cheetos.

Sunday Cats: Chonky Kitty Gets A Home, Footballer Gets Second Chance After Cat Abuse

Plus: The 1878 origin story of Siamese cats in America!

Sterling the cat is a cute and playful little guy, and no doubt would have his fans among those who love chonksters, but he has to lose weight.

That was the gist of the message posted by staff at the Humane Society of Huron Valley in Michigan, who wanted to find a home for Sterling but also wanted to make sure his new human(s) would be dedicated to his health.

The silver tabby with a Buddesian coat pattern tips the scales at 30 pounds. Not only is the weight unhealthy, but it makes life as a cat difficult.

“We know, those plump cheeks are adorable. But obesity is terribly unhealthy for cats,” Humane Society staff wrote on Instagram. “Sterling is fastidious about hygiene, but can’t groom himself properly (we had to shave matted fur off his back). He’s so lively and playful, but can’t chase after toys. He’s curious about the world, but can’t jump up to look out the window. He’s so affectionate, but can’t comfortably snuggle with his people.”

An adopter has stepped up to the plate and given Sterling a new family, a deal that includes committing to working with a veterinarian to get the kitty to slim down. The Humane Society haven’t said who the adopter is, but Sterling’s adoption profiles disappeared shortly after the shelter’s impassioned plea on Feb. 9.

sterling2 — Sterling weighs about 30 pounds. Credit: Humane Society of Huron Valley.

Zouma gets another shot

Kurt Zouma, the Premiere League footballer who earned himself worldwide condemnation over the last week for uploading a video showing him abusing his own cat, won’t lose his job due to the scandal.

West Ham United Coach David Moyes said Zouma’s actions were “completely out of character from Kurt” and compared the abuse incidents to drunken driving.

“He’s a really good lad and we’re going to get him some help,” Moyes told reporters. “Just like people with drink-drive offences have to go to classes to learn the reasons and the damage that can be done, the RSPCA are going to provide some courses for Kurt to understand about animals and how to treat them.”

Moyes says Zouma has repeatedly apologized, and he thinks the French national is sincerely contrite.

“But what do you do?” the coach asked. “Do you keep punishing people or do you give them a chance to make things right? All of us in life need second chances sometimes, and we’re going to give Kurt a second chance.”

The controversy flared up immediately after the UK Sun published a story about three short clips showing Zouma drop-kicking, slapping and throwing a shoe at his cat. The clips were filmed by Zouma’s brother, who can be heard laughing in the background, and involved Zouma’s son.

In his apology, Zouma said the abuse was “an isolated incident,” but said there was “no excuse” for his actions.

“I also want to say how deeply sorry I am to anyone who was upset by the video,” the soccer pro said.

Zouma was fined £ 250,000 — equal to about $330,000 — which is the maximum amount the club could fine him under league rules. He also lost his primary sponsorship with Adidas, which issued a terse statement and immediately dropped the center-back from its roster, and insurance company Vitality pulled its sponsorship from the entire team. Two other sponsors said they would meet with the club to discuss the issue.

FLG9knkWUAILbt7 — Scotsman Jason Kerr of Wigan gently scoops up Topsey, a house cat who interrupted play on Tuesday night by running onto the pitch in a match between Wigan and West Ham United.

Zouma also surrendered both of his cats — the one who was abused in the video and a second feline — to the RSPCA, which is conducting an investigation. Like the SPCA in the US, which has its own law enforcement division, the RSPCA has the ability to file criminal charges in cases involving animal abuse and neglect.

The felines of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Did you know the first Siamese cat to reach America’s shores was probably Siam, who belonged to First Lady Lucy Webb Hayes?

Back when Thailand was called Siam, U.S. ambassador David B. Sickels read that Mrs. Hayes — wife of Rutherford B. Hayes — was a cat lover and sent one of the now-famous Asian cats to the White House.

“I have taken the liberty of forwarding to you one of the finest specimens of Siamese cats that I have been able to procure in this country,” Sickels wrote to the First Lady in 1878. “I am informed that this is the first attempt ever made to send a Siamese cat to America.”

While we’ve written quite a bit about the famous cats who have occupied the White House over the years, the Hayes story and others are also detailed in a new article from Smithsonian Magazine, which marked the occasion of Willow the cat’s arrival by revisiting presidential pet history. It’s well worth a read if you like the idea of kitties roaming the halls of power and even sitting on one president’s lap during state dinners, eating at the table like humans.