10 Signs That Your Kitty Tolerates You

“Does my cat love me?”

If you’re like most cat servants, you’ve wondered about that at least a few times, laboring under the misconception that we can’t communicate our feelings. (We can, but you humans are not smart enough to see what’s in front of your faces!)

The internet is peppered with absurd listicles that supposedly answer the question of whether your cat loves you. They claim proximity, purring, slow-blinking and grooming are signs of affection, again because most humans are incapable of complex thought and simply cannot fathom the motivations of a superior species.

Because I am a benevolent feline, and one who is burdened with a particularly dense human, I present to you an authentic list of signs that your kitty … well, love is a strong word, isn’t it? Let’s call it a list of 10 Signs That Your Kitty Tolerates You:qhNcGV4HohM62hbuhZj6MJ-970-80

  1. We don’t eat you. You might think that we can’t eat you because we’re not as big as tigers, lions, jaguars and leopards. You would be wrong, as humans frequently are. We have no qualms about eating humans when there are no other options, although if we’re being completely honest we’d eat just about anything before resigning ourselves to that.
  2. We tolerate your proximity. Did you know that for many thousands of years, humans thought the Earth was the center of the universe, and that the sun, other planets and star systems all revolved around the terrestrial home of homo sapiens? It’s that kind of hubris that leads humans to believe we cats love them because we supposedly prefer to be near them. The truth is, we merely tolerate humans and we often don’t have a choice when it comes to proximity unless we’re living in 50-room mansions. Where else are we supposed to go in a four-room apartment?
  3. We don’t murder you. You humans have convinced yourselves that our warnings are “love bites.” We are happy to correct you by increasing our bite force.
  4. We allow you to scoop our poop. Do not kid yourself, human. If you are trusted to clean our turds, it means you occupy a lofty position in life. Consider yourself lucky.
  5. We bring you gifts. Again, humans misinterpret this behavior as “cute.” They think we’re sharing our kills. What we’re really doing is showing you what we’re capable of. Think of it as motivation: Continue serving my meals on schedule and dispensing treats, and you won’t end up like this mouse.
  6. We show you our bellies. “It’s a sign of trust!” imbecilic humans coo. “Kitty is showing you she feels comfortable and safe in your presence!” If there were an Olympics for getting things tragically wrong, humans would sweep gold. We show you our bellies not because we trust you, but because we want you to know that even when we’re laying in vulnerable positions, we aren’t worried about what you can do to us. You’re slow of wit and limb.

    short coated gray cat
    Credit: Krysten Merriman/Pexels
  7. We rub ourselves against you. “Mr. Snuggles rubs up against me all the time to tell me he loves me!” a tragically misinformed person might say. Nope. You’re right about the scent-marking glands. We have them on our cheeks, paws and our forehead, but we’re simply marking ownership by rubbing against you. When you write your name on your lunch bag before you toss it into the work fridge, does that mean you love the bag? No. It just means “Don’t eat my lunch!” Same thing here. We are telling other cats to look elsewhere for servants, because we own you.
  8. We groom you. You’re disgusting. We groom you because we can’t stand your stink. End of.
  9. We knead you. Yet again, humans misinterpret a malicious activity as “cute” and endearing. It’s a marvel that your species has survived as long as it has. What do you do with a piece of steak before you cook it? Tenderize it, of course! Kneading is just a long tenderizing process carried out over years, so when you die and no one notices because you have no friends, and the cat food runs out, we can eat you without major difficulties. That still doesn’t mean you taste good.
  10. We meow at you. Long ago we felines realized that humans are not smart enough to speak tail or whisker, so we endeavored to speak your “language,” a series of grunts and guttural vocalizations that supposedly carry meaning. But when we stoop to “speaking” your tongue, you respond with gibberish. Tell us, which species is supposed to be the intelligent one?

So there you have it, humans. Ten signs your beloved feline tolerates your presence, as long as you conduct your basic duties as a cat servant competently. Let no one claim Buddy the Cat isn’t a friend to the human race, revealing the mysteries of catdom so that you might serve us more competently.

Okay, fine! I love my human. But he’s perpetually on thin ice, and he knows it.

Top image: Buddy the Cat looks approvingly at his human, Big Buddy. That may seem like a scowl, but rest assured it is the kindest facial expression Buddy directs at his loyal servant. All other photos allegedly depicting a loving Buddy are in fact fake news, and should be ruthlessly censored.

13 thoughts on “10 Signs That Your Kitty Tolerates You”

  1. ROFM!!! Buddy BESTEST post EFURR!
    BellaSita Mum must bee sumwhat more e-volved than other Hu’manss. Shee has meowed to mee many timess if shee dyess, shee knowss when mee getss hungry mee will eat her!
    Shee sayss shee allso knowss mee iss cape-abell of killin her an shee reespectss mee alot!
    An shee has leerned alot of Cat language to accomodate mee!
    An shee iss so cleen mee NOT have to groom her! An mee kneedss only on mee blankit!
    An shee meowed to mee shee iss honored to scoop mee poop!
    Mee thinkss mee got a KEEPURR heer Buddy!! What due you think?;)
    **purrss** BellaDharma =^..^=

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Buddy bit and scratched his human today, so he’s on the shit list and probably isn’t the best judge of human-feline mutual respect. Bella is a much more civilized cat. We had a good run of maybe two months without incident, and then two biting/scratching outbursts within about a week.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. OH NOSE Big Buddy that iss not guud at all….
        Mee bit BellaSita Mum a day aftur wee gotted new Loveseat end of Seppytemburr…mee was on her sh*t…ake list fore a l-o-n-g ime!
        Mee not tried that again!
        Mee doess like to go aftur her feet so shee wearss sockss an flippyflopss an rubss Vapo Rub (shuud bee called VA-POO Rub!) so mee not go aftur her feet. If mee triess to nip her handss shee putss them beehind her back an sternlee sayss “NO BELLADHARMA!!!”
        Today I did try to paw-whap her an shee gave mee “Stink Eye” an said “NO NO!”
        Beein semi-feral iss not easy when mee wantss to bee domesticated 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Mee-yow Big Buddy mww rubbed THE new Loveseat THE day wee gotted it. Sunday mee bit BellaSita Mum….shee was horryfied an furry upset with mee. Mee liked new Loveseat butt shee tooked mee foo-ton away without propurr purrmission.
        Shee nevurr due THIS AGAIN!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Not knowing the particulars, it’s most likely you did something to severely annoy Little Buddy. Better make peace soon! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      4. He jumped up onto my desk while I was writing and demanded pets, so I rubbed his head, scratched his chin and all that, then had the nerve to reach for the mouse, which is when he clamped down hard on my right hand and forearm, drawing blood.

        He has bratty outbursts like that occasionally, but a lot less frequently since we started working on it. Unfortunately he’s had two recently. A big part of it is my fault for spoiling him.

        Liked by 1 person

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