We’re a group of entrepawneurs making all natural, delicious cat treats. Unlike humans, we know what cats want, which is why our treats aren’t made from chicken, salmon or beef — they’re all-natural, 100 percent mouse!
We’ve been talking about hiring a celebrity spokescat for our company, Of Mice and Meows, and we’d like to offer you the job!
What do you say, pal? You’ll be generously compensated in catnip and snacks!
Startup In San Diego
Dear San Diego,
It says here your product is only available in 14 stores and your total revenue for the last fiscal year was $476.23.
I just don’t see the logic in your valuation. Your idea is sound, but you’re entering a crowded market, and most of all the potential reward is not worth the risk that I’ll be taking on, especially if it eats into my 16 hour sleep cycles.
In addition to the scalability question, mouse is cool, but lack of turkey is not. And for those reasons, I’m out.
Cats love ’em, they said. It’ll be a great bonding experience, they said. You’ll have to stop your cat from eating too much, they said.
I had high hopes for the “squeeze” treats and was looking forward to getting home and giving Buddy a snack he hadn’t had before.
The problem? The Budster cannot get it through his stubborn little head that the squeeze treats are food.
He thinks they’re some sort of toy and every time I try to give him some, he head bunts the lickable chicken paste like it’s something he’s claiming with his scent, along with his plushies and wands.
After wiping the stuff off the top of his head for the umpteenth time, I squeezed a little bit of it on a paper towel and set it down for him, reasoning that he must finally understand it’s food.
Nope. Bud approached it, sniffed it, then dipped his face in it!
I’m not sure if this result means the stuff is so processed it doesn’t register as food, or if Bud’s just dense. After all, other cats love it, and we’re talking about a cat who whose idiosyncratic behaviors range from folding both front paws together and raising them as if in prayer, to spending months in late kittenhood engaging in boxing matches with the Bizarro Buddy in the mirror.
(I always knew when Bud was participating in a boxing match because I’d hear “Mmmmrrrrppp!” followed by THWAP THWAP THWAP! as his little paws hammered the glass. Then I’d gently pick him up off the table and set him down on the floor, praising him for his pugilistic skills while redirecting him to a less potentially destructive activity.)
Maybe I’ll try mixing some of the paste in with Bud’s wet food. Will he understand if it’s served with his beloved turkey? Or will be smoosh his entire face into the bowl and leave me with another mess to clean up?
Stay tuned until the next installment, same Buddy time, same Buddy channel!
NEW YORK — Domestic cats benefit from an incredible increase in awesomeness if they’re regularly served delicious snacks, a new study found.
Researchers from the Buddy Institute of Science and Stuff designed an experiment involving two groups of cats. The control group was not given any snacks, while the second group was given treats upon request at all times.
“The results were astonishing and should be of interest to any human ser– … ah, human person who cares for cats,” said Buddy the Cat, the study’s lead author. “Cats who were given complete access to snacks rated higher in delightfulness, amusingness, charm and even fluffiness.”
As a “hands-on scientist,” Buddy put himself in the second group and personally confirmed that constant access to yummy treats does indeed lead to a wide range of positive effects.
Felines who were given catnip along with snacks rated highest on the awesomeness scale.
“The data is conclusive,” Buddy said. “For optimal results, cats should be given a combination of deliciously crunchy dry treats and soft, satisfyingly flavorful moist treats. In fact, we recommend humans provide access to treats at all times, even while they are sleeping. It’s okay, we can get them ourselves!”
The study follows Dr. Buddy’s earlier paper, “Feline Quality of Sleep Linked to Percentage of Occupied Bed Space,” which found that cats should get at least 60 percent of the bed when they sleep with their humans.
NEW YORK — It’s early in the morning and Buddy the Cat is wide awake, meowing insistently for breakfast.
The tabby cat’s familiar muscular physique has wasted away, replaced by a gaunt, sickly appearance. Squint and you can almost make out his ribs, while his coat — normally silky and glowing — is now coarse and dull.
After a few minutes Buddy gives up and collapses with a sigh, resigning himself to the same tasteless kibble and unsatisfying salmon, chicken, beef and tuna wet food he’s been eating for weeks.
“I haven’t had a morsel of turkey since Oct. 6,” Buddy said mournfully. “If I don’t get turkey soon, I’m not sure I’ll make it.”
With demand outpacing supply, logistical gridlock in the shipping industry and the country suffering from inflation levels not seen in decades, Americans are finding it more difficult to find and afford the foods they need.
Turkey has been especially scarce, leaving families bereft of the bird with Thanksgiving approaching, but perhaps no one has suffered more than Buddy the Cat, who normally subsists almost entirely on turkey.
“Our forecasts show things are not going to improve even after Thanksgiving,” said James McCann, a supply chain analyst and economist at Boston University. “That’s bad news for American families and the larger economy, but it’s terrible news for Buddy the Cat.”
Buddy’s hopes were further dashed on Thursday when his human servant logged onto Chewy.com and found his favorite brands of wet turkey on back order.
Pet food manufacturers have been “working hard to make sure America’s pets are getting the nutrition they need,” said Jan Schroeder, communications director for the National Association of Yums.
“We realize this has been hard on cats, especially Buddy,” Schroeder said. “The situation is urgent, and Buddy needs his turkey. That’s why we’ve asked suppliers to expedite shipments of the good stuff, particularly to Buddy’s home state of New York.”
But suppliers may not realize how dire things really are. Back in New York, Buddy’s once-loud meow has become a scratchy mew as his body reacts to the lack of turkey.
“Can’t…survive…much longer,” Buddy said as he was forced to eat Blue Buffalo chicken treats and moist salmon Bursts. “Need…turkey. When will…this nightmare…be over?”
I’ve never been more grateful that I’ve weaned Buddy off of Temptations.
The treats, which are famously irresistible to cats thanks to some strange alchemy that definitely isn’t healthy for them, now come in Tasty Human flavor in a new promotion for Halloween. (They’re heavy on corn and other fillers, as usual, but the meat ingredients in Tasty Human flavor come from chicken, liver and beef. Apparently we taste like KFC and burgers.)
The commercial spots are clever and humorous.
“I read that if our cats were bigger, they’d try to eat us!” a man whispers as ominous music plays and his cute cat grooms himself in the background. “So this Halloween, I’m gonna keep him satisfied with these.”
The man tosses a nervous look over his shoulder at his cat as the music swells with a horror movie-style orchestral stab, then he shakes the bag.
I won’t be buying any.
The popular cat treats are made by Mars, the almost $40 billion pet food and candy multinational that has had its own significant controversies, particularly with the use of slave labor in sourcing particular ingredients. Many of its pet food brands, such as Whiskas, are loaded with cheap carbohydrates and use by-product meal as their primary protein sources.
But I stopped feeding the Budster Temptations before I knew any of that, and for an entirely different reason: The little guy turned into a full-fledged kitty crack addict when he ate them.
Like any cat, Bud loves his treats, but when I fed him Temptations he had a one-track mind: The first thing he’d do in the morning was follow me to the kitchen, sit in front of the treat cabinet and meow incessantly for his precious Temps. It got to the point where he was turning his nose up at wet food he’d always liked and pestering me for Temptations instead. He was going full-on Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
I weaned him off once, stupidly folded less than a year later when I bought a bag for him on impulse (we were out of treats and the grocery store did not have any other kind), and had to wean him off the kitty crack a second time when he returned to his cracktastic ways.
Nowadays the little dude gets natural treats with non by-product meat as the main ingredients, and he behaves like a normal cat: He still loves his snacks, but he doesn’t ignore his wet food and howl at me for kitty crack.
tl;dr: Serve the Temps at your own risk. 🙂
Feline humor, news and stories about the ongoing adventures of Buddy the Cat.