Innocent Cats Hit In Drive-By Spraying As Brutal Catnip Wars Escalate

NEW YORK — At least five cats — including two kittens — were caught in the cross-spray of a drive-by urinating on Tuesday night, the latest innocent victims of an ongoing war between niplords vying for territorial control to push their product.

Lil Tubbie, a local tabby, said he was out for an after-kibble walk when he found himself in the middle of full-fledged gang warfare.

“The usual lowlifes were hawking their can-bags of nip on the street when a minivan came to a screeching halt and a half dozen Los Gatos just poured out from the back seat, screeching like bats out of hell,” Lil Tubbie said. “They were ruthless, pissing everywhere to mark their territory. I saw one poor kitten get sprayed in the face. It was chaos.”

 

catdriving4
The Los Gatos Catnip Cartel is notorious for its drive-by sprayings.

There was no warning an attack was imminent, and authorities said they were taken aback by the strike’s brutality, potentially marking an escalation in a catnip war that has been raging for months.

“This is not the first time the Los Gatos have strong-pawed their way to acquiring new territory,” Pawlice Chief Mr. Snuggles said. “But in the past, gangs and cartels observed a code. Now any innocent cat just going about their business in public runs the risk of getting blasted in the face or drenched by marauding gang members.”

Like their wild forebears, cat cartel members usurp new territory by urinating on it, marking the boundaries of their domains with the acidic, ammonia-like scent of kitty pee.

Gangsta Cat
“Whatchu lookin’ at?” Fat Tony Purrtellini, capo of the Cattazio Crime Family, is famous for his ruthless drive-by urinatings against rival nip families and cartels alike.

Buddy the Niplord, who runs the area’s most powerful catnip cartel, is expected to retaliate against Los Gatos’ latest power play, analysts said.

“If Buddy doesn’t retaliate, he looks weak,” said Claws Furson, a feline criminologist at John Jay College of Criminal Justice in Meownhattan. “Police are on high alert, warning kittens to stay inside while they brace for the next violent outburst. The catnip wars take a real toll on our communities.”

Avon Meowsdale, a powerful niplord who was taken down by Buddy’s cartel in 2011, was subjected to “kibble boarding,” a form of torture in which the feline victim is strapped to a table underneath a sieve and slowly driven insane by a steady drip of kibble.

catssnapping
Gang cats claim an alley from which to sling potent catnip.

The Los Gatos are known for their own brand of torture, famously subjecting cartel boss Pawblo Escobar to “El Gruñido” (The Growling), a form of torture in which the victim is placed in a cage and forced to watch as cats around him dine on delicious wet food.

Both kibble-boarding and The Growling were condemned by the UN High Commission on Feline Warfare, categorizing both methods as war crimes prosecutable by The Hague.

In the meantime, neighborhood cats have taken to wearing rain coats to protect themselves against random scent-marking drive-by sprayings. Meowmoud Mohammad, a Persian cat who owns Feline Fashions in Manhattan, said he can’t keep them stocked.

“I suggest pre-ordering to reserve a rain coat when the next batch arrives,” Meowmoud said. “With all these gangs trading urine salvos, it’s the innocent who suffer. Don’t let yourself get caught in the cross-stream without protection.”

Cat Gang
Cats loyal to Buddy the Niplord patrol their territory on Tuesday.

10 thoughts on “Innocent Cats Hit In Drive-By Spraying As Brutal Catnip Wars Escalate”

  1. Hahaha omg, this reminds me of why we don’t have a male cat anymore. We decided after our boy Jelly Bean went to the “Rainbow Bridge” no more males because he had a nasty habit of marking his territory. 😮

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Was he neutered? I brought poor Buddy in to get the snip when he was around 4 months old and never had a problem. I know it’s absolutely necessary, and that not spaying/neutering is the biggest reason 1.5 million homeless pets are still euthanized every year, but it still kills me that I had to do that to him. I wish there was a chemical, non-surgical option.

      Anyway, the whole war between the cowardly Los Gatos and Buddy’s gang has been an ongoing narrative and one of the most ridiculous subjects of this blog. Sometimes I wonder what people think if they’re not regular readers and might not realize the blog is a mix of commentary, real news and completely off-the-wall cat humor and satire. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I absolutely love these cats!!! There representing there hood and holding it down. There throwing up there gang sighs with there paws and leaving there tags everywhere and representing Los Gatos for life!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. In some community, somewhere, there are tons of angry pizzeria owners shaking their fists over large Oregano heists linked to the Gatos spiked-nip fiasco

        Liked by 1 person

  3. FIVE pizzerias! Oh man, just think of the money we could make getting into the CCTV biz (and all the fanfare from helping bust them Gatos punks. Let them eat Oregano in the cathouse!)

    Liked by 1 person

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