Tag: The Wire

cat humor, cat stories, Feline Ingenuity, Movies, pop culture, Tigers March 9, 2023

Felines Protest Idris Elba’s Lion Thriller ‘Beast’: ‘Stop Stereotyping Us Cats!’

LOS ANGELES — Marching in a broad circle outside the Universal Studios headquarters on Monday, a group of about 200 cats demanded “more cuddly representation” in television and film.

The felid contingent included house cats, pumas, bobcats, tigers, lions, leopards and even a few jaguars, each holding signs with messages like “Cats are more than claws!” and “Stop The Stereotyping!”

“What do we want?” a house cat shouted into a megaphone.

“Cuddlier representation!” the crowd of cats shouted.

“When do we want it!”

“After our nap!” they replied in unison.

Monday’s protest was prompted by Universal Studios’ 2022 thriller, Beast, but protest organizer Buddy the Cat said the felid group was protesting “decades of tropes and injustices committed against cats by Hollywood and TV.” Examples include the undead cat in Stephen King’s Pet Sematary, the rampaging lion in Dutch horror-comedy film Prey (called Uncaged in the US), the many murderous felids in the CBS series Zoo, and Jackson Galaxy’s My Cat From Hell.

“We’re tired of always being cast as villains while dogs are the heroes. Take a cat like me, for instance,” Buddy told a reporter. “It’s easy to mistake me, with my razor sharp claws and ripped physique, for a threat to humans. But really I’m just a cuddly little guy who likes chin scratches.”

Linus, a 14-year-old Bengal tiger who starred as Richard Parker in the 2012 hit Life of Pi, said he was a young actor who didn’t know better when he agreed to portray the threatening antagonist.

“Now that I’m older and I have all this Frosted Flakes money coming in, I can be picky about the roles I accept and only choose movies I think will be Grrreat!” he told an interviewer. “But what about the next young tiger, or the jaguar fresh off the boat from the Amazon, who doesn’t have the power to tell the director a certain scene is offensive?”

Linus also took issue with the script, in which the writers have him refusing to share fish with Pi.

“Did you see the boat? It was filled with fish! What am I, some sort of glutton who’s gonna eat 200 pounds of fish while the human starves?” Linus asked, bewildered. “I mean, according to Hollywood we’re angry, dangerous, murderous criminals and we stuff our faces all the time. No wonder people are scared of us!”

Prey/Uncaged — Prey, also known as Uncaged, depicts an angry lion rampaging through Amsterdam and eating pretty much everyone.

Beast stars British actor Idris Elba and tells the story of a widowed medical doctor who takes his two daughters to South Africa, where they stay with a family friend and embark on a tour of the native wildlife.

Unbeknownst to them, an adult male lion is on a rampage after a team of poachers entered the reserve the previous night and slaughtered his entire pride. While Elba’s character, his two daughters and his friend (Sharlto Copley) explore the reserve, they discover the mutilated remains of an entire village’s population and eventually come face to face with the murderous lion.

“What’s all this barney, then?” Elba said when asked about the felid protest. “Well that’s unfortunate, innit, mate? I played a tiger in The Jungle Book, a proper tiger. I love cats.”

The actor, who rocketed to fame off the strength of his portrayals of Stringer Bell in American police drama The Wire, the title character in British detective thriller Luther, as well as major roles in franchises like the Marvel Cinematic Universe, the Star Trek reboot movies and science fiction action-adventure Pacific Rim, said he’s taken the cat’s criticism to heart.

elbabuddy2 — “Buddy’s a good bloke,” says Elba, pictured with his feline friend.

“Me and me mate Buddy, we like to grab a pint on the regular, d’ya know what I mean?” Elba said. “This tosh with the movies, it’s gotta stop. Me mate Buddy is a good bloke, innit? So if he says Hollywood has to have more positive portrayal of cats, then that’s what we’ll do.”

In addition to their negative portrayal in films, which felids likened to the offensive portrayal of Italian-Americans as mafia figures, many cats cried foul at the idea that one of their kind would harm the beloved South African actor Sharlto Copley.

“That’s a very offensive portrayal,” said Chonkmatic the Magnificent, King of All Cats. “Sharlto Copley is the guy who made District 9, about aliens who eat cat food. Everyone knows cats love District 9. We wouldn’t lay a claw on Sharlto!”

cat humor, catnip, fake news, Feline Overlords June 26, 2020

Niplords Unite At Meow-a-Largo As Heisenpurrg Threat Looms

MIAMI — Forming a tenuous alliance to combat an existential threat to their hold on the feline illegal narcotics market, the western hemisphere’s most prolific niplords gathered for a summit at Meow-a-Largo on Friday.

The fact that Los Gatos, the Cattazio crime family and the Buddy Organization gathered under one roof without the threat of spray salvos, hissing or violent clawing served to underscore how seriously the niplords are taking the emergence of a new narcotic on the street, and the shadowy players pushing it on young kittens and adult cats alike.

The new product, Blue Sky Temptations, has taken the country by storm, laying waste to entire communities of cats with its unprecedented purity and addictive potential.

“Rumor has it a fella named Heisenpurrg is behind the Blue Sky,” said Anthony “Fat Tony” Purrtelini, the recently jail-broken capo of the Cattazio family. “We got our guys shakin’ down the neighborhoods for more information on this Heisenpurrg.”

Pawblo Escobar, the mercurial leader of the Gatos’ Medellín Hierba Gatera, shook his head.

“Is just a name, this Heisenpurrg,” he said quietly. “We don’t know the first thing about this pendejo, yeah?”

“Das right, patrón,” said Escobar’s most trusted lieutenant, Furrnando Prado. “He’s a ghost.”

Purrposition Joe, the Baltimore-based nip OG who brokered the tenuous peace between the attending parties, raised both paws, signaling the others to let him meow. Springer Bell and Brother Pawzone, two other cats from the Baltimore contingent, slapped their paws on the table to get everycat’s attention.

Heisenpurrg’s minions, Purrposition Joe reminded the other niplords, were all over the streets pushing “free samples” of the Blue Sky to get cats addicted. Tracking down Heisenpurrg, he said, should be as easy as interrogating cats up the ladder until they lead to the big bosses.

“The question isn’t ‘Are we going to find this guy?'” Purrposition Joe said, pausing to flick kibble crumbs off his belly. “The question, gentlemen, is what are we going to do about him when we do find him?”

All eyes turned toward the back of the room where a lone cat sat in darkness, a silent silhouette for the duration of the meeting.

“That’s a question for the most brutal of us, hermano,” Escobar said, looking at the shadowy figure at the end of the table.

The mysterious cat leaned forward, his face moving into the light, revealing long whiskers, grey-white fur and subtle grey tabby stripes.

“Leave that to me, gentlemen,” the grey tabby said quietly. “When I’m done with him, Heisenpurrg will be nothing more than yesterday’s kibble upchucked on the carpet. Muahahaha!”

Buddy, cat humor, fake news, Feline Overlords March 18, 2020March 18, 2020

Innocent Cats Hit In Drive-By Spraying As Brutal Catnip Wars Escalate

NEW YORK — At least five cats — including two kittens — were caught in the cross-spray of a drive-by urinating on Tuesday night, the latest innocent victims of an ongoing war between niplords vying for territorial control to push their product.

Lil Tubbie, a local tabby, said he was out for an after-kibble walk when he found himself in the middle of full-fledged gang warfare.

“The usual lowlifes were hawking their can-bags of nip on the street when a minivan came to a screeching halt and a half dozen Los Gatos just poured out from the back seat, screeching like bats out of hell,” Lil Tubbie said. “They were ruthless, pissing everywhere to mark their territory. I saw one poor kitten get sprayed in the face. It was chaos.”

catdriving4 — *The Los Gatos Catnip Cartel is notorious for its drive-by sprayings.*

There was no warning an attack was imminent, and authorities said they were taken aback by the strike’s brutality, potentially marking an escalation in a catnip war that has been raging for months.

“This is not the first time the Los Gatos have strong-pawed their way to acquiring new territory,” Pawlice Chief Mr. Snuggles said. “But in the past, gangs and cartels observed a code. Now any innocent cat just going about their business in public runs the risk of getting blasted in the face or drenched by marauding gang members.”

Like their wild forebears, cat cartel members usurp new territory by urinating on it, marking the boundaries of their domains with the acidic, ammonia-like scent of kitty pee.

Gangsta Cat — *“Whatchu lookin’ at?” Fat Tony Purrtellini, capo of the Cattazio Crime Family, is famous for his ruthless drive-by urinatings against rival nip families and cartels alike.*

Buddy the Niplord, who runs the area’s most powerful catnip cartel, is expected to retaliate against Los Gatos’ latest power play, analysts said.

“If Buddy doesn’t retaliate, he looks weak,” said Claws Furson, a feline criminologist at John Jay College of Criminal Justice in Meownhattan. “Police are on high alert, warning kittens to stay inside while they brace for the next violent outburst. The catnip wars take a real toll on our communities.”

Avon Meowsdale, a powerful niplord who was taken down by Buddy’s cartel in 2011, was subjected to “kibble boarding,” a form of torture in which the feline victim is strapped to a table underneath a sieve and slowly driven insane by a steady drip of kibble.

catssnapping — *Gang cats claim an alley from which to sling potent catnip.*

The Los Gatos are known for their own brand of torture, famously subjecting cartel boss Pawblo Escobar to “El Gruñido” (The Growling), a form of torture in which the victim is placed in a cage and forced to watch as cats around him dine on delicious wet food.

Both kibble-boarding and The Growling were condemned by the UN High Commission on Feline Warfare, categorizing both methods as war crimes prosecutable by The Hague.

In the meantime, neighborhood cats have taken to wearing rain coats to protect themselves against random scent-marking drive-by sprayings. Meowmoud Mohammad, a Persian cat who owns Feline Fashions in Manhattan, said he can’t keep them stocked.

“I suggest pre-ordering to reserve a rain coat when the next batch arrives,” Meowmoud said. “With all these gangs trading urine salvos, it’s the innocent who suffer. Don’t let yourself get caught in the cross-stream without protection.”

Cat Gang — *Cats loyal to Buddy the Niplord patrol their territory on Tuesday.*

Uncategorized April 24, 2019June 1, 2019

If Catnip Is To Cats As Marijuana Is To Humans, Why’s It Legal?

Catnip isn’t illegal because the market would simply move underground under the control of the Gatos Gangs.

No one wants to see a revival of the bloody turf wars that resulted from the last time crusading politicians classified “the nip” as a Schedule I controlled substance.

The days of illegality were marked by brutal violence at the paws of niplords like Avon Meowsdale and Pawblo Escobar, who controlled the public housing towers and street corners with an iron claw, dispatching armies of furry minions to push that kitty crack.

It all seems like a joke until you slow-roll through the neighborhood and watch previously respectable cats splayed out on the sidewalks, twitching and drooling, dispatched by that foul weed to a world where neurons fire in poultry flavors and every object is a ball of yarn just waiting to be unraveled.

If your cat has been addicted to the nip, you’ll know the signs.

Medicine cabinets, pantries and kitchen cupboards sloppily rummaged through by shaking paws.

Oregano bottles left half-empty because your cat gorged himself on the herb until he realized he wasn’t getting high.

Globs of half-digested kibble upchucked in corners and closets by your withdrawal-stricken, sweat-matted kitty.

Cans of expensive cat food vanishing overnight, used as currency to purchase “can bags” of the insidious perennial.

Cat condos, toys and scratchers suddenly disappearing, pawned by desperate kitties who just need to “get well one last time.”

In short, illegal catnip turns our beloved felines into criminals who stalk the seedy underbellies of our cities, padding to all sorts of unsavory locations in pursuit of a fix. It empowers gangs like The Gatos and fuels feline criminal empires, which in turn leads to savage turf wars.

When veterinary clinics were filled to capacity with the victims of the brutal catnip wars, it was a wake-up call. Even kittens were caught up in the crossfire and recruited by The Gatos to serve as look-outs and runners.

Nowadays catnip is a strictly regulated yet legal market controlled by the likes of Jackson Galaxy and the Meowijuana Company instead of The Gatos. The world is a better place for it.