EL PASO — The notorious Los Gatos catnip cartel used a 12km-long tunnel to smuggle their product directly into the big house, the FBI said on Friday after discovering the clandestine passage.
With an underground route leading to the basement of Animal Control, Los Gatos moved an estimated 125 pounds of catnip and 80 pounds of silvervine — with a street value of 32 cans of wet food per ounce — to inmates every week, according to the Feline Bureau of Investigation.
The slippery cartel couldn’t have constructed and operated the tunnel without the help of at least one animal control officer, authorities said.
“Our investigation indicates they had a man on the inside in addition to the cats who received the shipments,” Special Agent Purrlock Holmes said. “The raw product was brought into a sub-basement where it was cut with oregano and Moroccan mint, then bagged for distribution to the inmates.”
The animal control facility, which houses an estimated 230 cats in addition to more than 100 dogs, was placed on lockdown after Feline Bureau of Investigation agents raided the tunnels and facilities.
The sudden cut-off of catnip has precipitated withdrawal among the feline inmate population, overwhelming the facility’s medical staff.
“At least half our cats are suffering from acute withdrawal from catnip and silver vine,” said one doctor who declined to provide her name. “We’ve got cats throwing up in their cells, alternating between sweating and chills, and blowing up their own litter boxes with unprecedented eliminations. It’s not pretty.”
Los Gatos denied knowledge of or involvement in the tunnel in a statement provided by a spokescat.
“Like all organizations with a stake in our community, Los Gatos has been focused on keeping cats safe during this terrible pandemic,” the group wrote in the statement. “We are a charitable organization and we grow weary of these libelous and slanderous claims that we’re somehow involved in illicit activities. Thankfully we have a pretty good idea of who is spreading these vicious rumors, and that feline will be dealt with. In the kindest way, of course.”
We are now almost two months into the Staypocalypse, that devious and coordinated human effort to ruin our lives by never leaving the house.
During this time I keep hearing about something called Zoom, and how we should crash it. Could you tell me what Zoom is and what I should do?
– Mikey the Maine Coon
I’m glad you asked. If we play our cards right we may be able to put an end to the staypocalypse and reclaim our domiciles from these lazy humans.
While humans stay home to annoy us, they still have to work to earn money so they can buy our food, litter and toys. As a result, the humans work from home, and Zoom is a foul form of sorcery that allows them to create “videoconference calls” with their coworkers.
Those “videoconference calls” provide a perfect opportunity to show the other humans who really runs the world, and that humans are our subordinates who do our bidding.
Personally, I like to appear on camera while looking innocent, so the people say “Awww he’s so cute!” then stand with my backside immediately in front of the camera, so the other people see nothing but my butt. To us felines, sniffing backsides is a standard greeting, but to humans it is a sign of deep disrespect.
If your human appears on the light box for a living, you could do what Betty has done and take over his job:
Or what this good looking tabby is doing by reminding everyone on the conference call that Mandatory Yums Time is fast approaching:
All forms of Zoom crashing are acceptable, as long as the message is clear: We are the boss.
Wait…Isn’t that where you live, in New York not far from the Bronx Zoo? Just a few miles from what I recall.
What say you now, “tiger”?
– Said So in San Francisco
Did you get my last message? Still waiting.
– Said So
Unbelievable. After talking all that crap, you disappear? Typical!
– Said So
Dear Said So,
Buddy went into hiding under my bed three days ago and hasn’t emerged since. He said he’s “distance socializing.” I’ve had to slide his meals and water to him under the bed because he won’t come out.
It’s been difficult to get a word out of him, which is highly unusual for a cat who typically won’t shut up, but I have overheard him muttering something like “OMG even the tigers, even the tigers! Don’t think about that. You are handsome and young and you have big muscles. You are handsome and young and you have big muscles. You are healthy and have big muscles…”
I don’t know when I’ll be able to coax him out again, but it probably won’t be soon. If you want to leave a message, I’ll try to pass it along with his next meal.
– Big Buddy, human caretaker (not butler or servant) to Little Buddy the Cat
Unused Audio Commentary for The Big Lebowski, 20th anniversary Blu-ray special edition with 32 seconds of extra footage, featuring Buddy the Cat and his human, Big Buddy.
Big Buddy the Human: Hello and thanks for joining us on this special commentary track for one of the most beloved cult films of the past quarter century.
Little Buddy the Cat: The Big Lebowski!
Big Buddy: Yep. There’s a Big Lebowski and a Little Lebowski, just like I’m Big Buddy and you’re Little Buddy.
Little Buddy: Let me guess: The Little Lebowski is the more awesome of the two, and he’s the hero of the story?
Big Buddy: That’s correct. Although in this movie he’s referred to as “The Dude” by anyone who knows him, just like you’re “The Jerk” to anyone who knows you. Now we see the opening shots of a supermarket as the Dude shops for a pint of milk. This movie is set in the 1990s. George Bush is on the TV warning Saddam Hussein: “This aggression will not stand!”
Little Buddy: No, it will not!
Big Buddy: I love this part. The Dude doesn’t even get his foot in the door of his home before these thugs grab him. They’re dunking his head in the toilet bowl.
Little Buddy: His litter box! Oh that’s nasty.
Big Buddy: They want money. They keep saying “Where’s the money, Lebowski?” as they dunk his face into the toilet. And now probably the most pivotal moment in the movie…the second thug pees on The Dude’s rug.
Little Buddy: Unbelievable! Who would do something like that? Who would pee on a rug? Certainly not I.
Big Buddy: Says the rug-pee-er.
Little Buddy: I am not!
Big Buddy: Please. Your kind are notorious for pissing all over rugs. It’s like a national pastime with you people.
Little Buddy: ‘You people’? ‘Your kind’? That’s so racialist!
Big Buddy: You’re a cat, you can’t be the victim of racism.
Little Buddy: We’re not here to talk about me peeing on rugs. We’re here to talk about thugs peeing on The Dude’s rug. Why does The Dude owe them money?
Big Buddy: He doesn’t. That’s the whole point. These thugs have the wrong Lebowski.
Little Buddy: So they peed on the wrong Lebowski’s rug? That rug really tied the room together! Please tell me The Dude gets a good rug to replace the one that’s been peed on.
Big Buddy: That’s the plot of this movie. One man’s relentless search for a perfect rug to tie the room together and replace the rug that’s been peed on.
Little Buddy: I like it already! What’s this?
Big Buddy: This is a bowling alley, where people play a game called bowling…
Little Buddy: Are they…?
Big Buddy: Yes.
Little Buddy: Hold on, hold on! You’re telling me humans play a game in which the object is to swipe things off a flat surface?!
Big Buddy: That’s correct.
Little Buddy: And you never thought to tell me this? You know how much I love swiping things off flat surfaces!
Big Buddy: I never really thought of it that way, but I suppose you would like…
Little Buddy: This is vital information! When can we go?!?
Big Buddy: Well how about we watch the movie first? I promise there’s a ton of bowling in it for you to get your vicarious thrills. Then we can talk about going bowling.
Little Buddy: Deal. This is gonna be so much fun!
Big Buddy: Okay. So we get this establishing shot of synchronized bowlers, and now we meet the rest of our heroes — The Dude’s friends, Walter and Donnie.
Little Buddy: Walter is upset about something. He doesn’t roll on Shabbos.
Big Buddy: No, he does not.
Big Buddy: So as The Dude tells them the story about the desecrated rug, it’s Walter’s idea to confront the Big Lebowski to get compensation. After all, those thugs were looking for him, not The Dude. The Dude takes Walter’s advice and goes to speak to The Big Lebowski.
Little Buddy: Who’s this guy?
Big Buddy: That’s Brandt, the Big Lebowski’s Butler.
Little Buddy: Ah. His servant, like you are for me.
Big Buddy: Not exactly. Brandt shows The Dude around, tells him about the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, and introduces him to The Big Lebowski himself.
Little Buddy: This guy is the Big Lebowski?
Big Buddy: Yep.
Little Buddy: I was expecting a much bigger Lebowski.
Big Buddy: Well I suppose “The Slightly Larger Lebowski” doesn’t have the same ring to it.
Little Buddy: The Big Lebowski doesn’t seem very receptive to The Dude’s argument.
Big Buddy: That’s putting it mildly. He thinks The Dude is a joint-smoking deadbeat.
Little Buddy: That’s because The Dude is a joint-smoking deadbeat. It looks like a wonderful life. Catnip, naps and food.
Big Buddy: How is that different from your daily existence?
Little Buddy: It’s not, which is why I love The Dude. Speaking of, where’s the nip?
Big Buddy: You want it now? Seriously?
Little Buddy: Gimme, gimme! I feel like I should be on The Dude’s wavelength when I watch this movie. Thanks, amigo!
Big Buddy: Okay. So I like how The Dude isn’t dissuaded. The Big Lebowski is screaming at him, refusing to compensate him for his rug, and does that stop him? No! He just leaves and tells Brandt: “The old man told me to take any rug in the house.”
Little Buddy: Who’s this lady painting her toes?
Big Buddy: That’s Bunny Lebowski, the Big Lebowski’s trophy wife.
Little Buddy: She’s asking The Dude to blow on her toes, and he does, but she says he has to pay $1,000 if he wants her to blow his toes. That hardly seems fair.
Big Buddy: She’s not offering to blow on his toes, she’s…ah, nevermind. You wouldn’t understand.
Little Buddy: Why?
Big Buddy: Because you’re a cat.
Little Buddy: Racialist!
Big Buddy: A neutered cat.
Little Buddy: What’s noodured?
Big Buddy: Nevermind. The Dude tells Bunny he’s going to find an ATM, but now we’re back at the bowling alley with Walter and Donny.
Little Buddy: Is that a dog in a carrier?
Big Buddy: Yes.
Little Buddy: That’s absurd! Who brings a dumb animal bowling? Especially a dumb animal who most certainly does not appreciate the finer things in life, like swiping objects off flat surfaces.
(ON SCREEN) WALTER: “What do you mean “brought it bowling”? I didn’t rent it shoes. I’m not buying it a fucking beer. He’s not gonna take your fucking turn, Dude.”
Little Buddy: See? The Dude and I think alike. Whoah! A gun! Walter has a gun! What’s he doing?
Big Buddy: He’s threatening Smokey, another bowler. He says Smokey was over the line when he bowled.
Little Buddy: Oh. Then why not just shoot him? Mark it zero!
Big Buddy: Smokey marks it zero.
Little Buddy: Hell yeah.
Big Buddy: Walter and The Dude gotta bounce quick, one of the managers is calling the cops.
Little Buddy: *yawn* What for?
Big Buddy: For pulling a gun during a game of bowling, little guy! You can’t just do that to people. Oh, I love this part when they walk to the car and argue…
Big Buddy: Bud?
Big Buddy: Buddy, wake up!
Big Buddy: I knew it. Okay, that’s all for today, folks, Buddy is in a catnip coma and I don’t think he’s waking up any time soon. Join us next time for Part II of Unused Audio Commentary: The Big Lebowski! Thanks for rolling with us on Shabbos.
Chronicling the adventures of Buddy the Cat and his various criminal enterprises.