If Catnip Is To Cats As Marijuana Is To Humans, Why’s It Legal?

Catnip isn’t illegal because the market would simply move underground under the control of the Gatos Gangs.

No one wants to see a revival of the bloody turf wars that resulted from the last time crusading politicians classified “the nip” as a Schedule I controlled substance.

The days of illegality were marked by brutal violence at the paws of niplords like Avon Meowsdale and Pawblo Escobar, who controlled the public housing towers and street corners with an iron claw, dispatching armies of furry minions to push that kitty crack.

It all seems like a joke until you slow-roll through the neighborhood and watch previously respectable cats splayed out on the sidewalks, twitching and drooling, dispatched by that foul weed to a world where neurons fire in poultry flavors and every object is a ball of yarn just waiting to be unraveled.

If your cat has been addicted to the nip, you’ll know the signs.

Medicine cabinets, pantries and kitchen cupboards sloppily rummaged through by shaking paws.

Oregano bottles left half-empty because your cat gorged himself on the herb until he realized he wasn’t getting high.

Globs of half-digested kibble upchucked in corners and closets by your withdrawal-stricken, sweat-matted kitty.

Cans of expensive cat food vanishing overnight, used as currency to purchase “can bags” of the insidious perennial.

Cat condos, toys and scratchers suddenly disappearing, pawned by desperate kitties who just need to “get well one last time.”

In short, illegal catnip turns our beloved felines into criminals who stalk the seedy underbellies of our cities, padding to all sorts of unsavory locations in pursuit of a fix. It empowers gangs like The Gatos and fuels feline criminal empires, which in turn leads to savage turf wars.

When veterinary clinics were filled to capacity with the victims of the brutal catnip wars, it was a wake-up call. Even kittens were caught up in the crossfire and recruited by The Gatos to serve as look-outs and runners.

Nowadays catnip is a strictly regulated yet legal market controlled by the likes of Jackson Galaxy and the Meowijuana Company instead of The Gatos. The world is a better place for it.

(Source: Cats On Catnip by Andrew Martilla)

(Above: My Buddy high AF under the influence of potent Meowijuana.)

10 thoughts on “If Catnip Is To Cats As Marijuana Is To Humans, Why’s It Legal?”

  1. Not all cat are affected by catnip. I have three and one gets really mellow and the other goes crazy, but the third one does nothing, doesn’t even like it.

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      1. That’s what my cat does, he eats it like it’s a big bowl of tasty turkey lol. I looked it up to make sure eating it isn’t harmful, because most cats just sniff and roll around in the stuff. I guess Buddy is a bit of a weirdo. Anyway, it makes him very playful and happy, so that’s a good thing.

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