Remembering Sir Patrick Stewart, Icon And Starfleet Captain

From a small village in the UK to Hollywood and the command seat of the USS Enterprise, Patrick Stewart entertained generations of dreamers and showed us that a sharp mind is always better than a heavy fist.

In one of my favorite Star Trek episodes ever, dubbed “The Survivors,” Captain Jean-Luc Picard and the USS Enterprise-D are dispatched to a Federation colony in response to a desperate distress call.

A mysterious alien armada had arrived in orbit and began bombarding the planet without warning. By the time the Enterprise arrives at Delta Rana IV, the colony planet, the ship’s sensors report total devastation except for one tiny, perfectly square patch of land where a lone house still stands unscathed, its lawn as green as ever even as ruins smolder in the distance.

A futuristic white building set against a dramatic mountainous landscape, featuring sparse greenery and rocky terrain in the foreground.
The Uxbridge home on Rana IV, a combination of a live-action shot and a matte painting. Credit: Paramount

Kevin and Rishon Uxbridge, an elderly couple, live in the home but refuse to be rescued. They tell Captain Picard they’re going to tough it out on the scorched, desolate colony world, and they’re strangely unconcerned by the reappearance of one of the alien ships, which deploys powerful weapons to chase the Enterprise away several times.

After a cat-and-mouse game between the alien vessel and the Enterprise, Picard realizes there’s something deeply wrong with the Uxbridges, catches Kevin in a lie and questions the couple. That’s when Kevin Uxbridge admits he’s not human – he’s a powerful, immortal energy-based being called a Douwd who had sworn himself to pacifism and married a human woman.

But when the invading Husnock armada destroyed the colony, and took the life of his beloved wife Rishon, Kevin lost his mind and in a moment of grief and rage wiped out the Husnock.

“You don’t understand the scope of my crime,” Kevin tells Picard and his crew. “I didn’t kill just one Husnock, or a hundred, or a thousand. I killed them all. All Husnock everywhere. Are eleven thousand people worth fifty billion? Is the love of a woman worth the destruction of an entire species? This is the sin I tried so hard to keep you from learning now. Why I wanted to chase you from Rana.”

A starship gliding through space near a planet, with the title 'The Survivors' displayed prominently.
The episode’s title card, with the Enterprise pictured in orbit around Rana IV. Credit: Paramount

The episode ends on a somber note as Picard leaves Kevin and the resurrected Rishon to themselves, telling Kevin: “We’re not qualified to be your judges. We have no law to fit your crime. You’re free to return to the planet and to make Rishon live again.”

Just before the credits roll, Patrick Stewart’s theatrical voice cuts in for a captain’s log.

“We are departing the Rana system for Starbase One Three Three. We leave behind a being of extraordinary power and conscience. I am not certain if he should be praised or condemned. Only that he should be left alone.”

The episode is a fine example of the way Patrick Stewart played Picard, not as a swashbuckling, frequently-brawling, alien-skirt-chasing captain in the mold of James T. Kirk, but as a cerebral leader who was primarily an explorer and diplomat, not a military commander.

Time and again, Stewart imbued Picard with the judicious, insightful demeanor that would become the character’s trademark. When Captain Picard was at the helm, you felt confident that in this fictional world, humanity was sending its absolute best to represent our species among the stars.

Stewart was one of my heroes as a 90s kid who grew up on reruns of The Next Generation, and I loved Star Trek despite getting years worth of shit for it from literally everyone – my brother, my friends, girlfriends, cousins, coworkers, even my mom.

The English actor, who was knighted by Queen Elizabeth in 2010, passed away Thursday. He was 86 years old.

To most of us, he was Picard and the X-Men’s Professor Xavier, but he was so much more than that. He was a bona fide stage actor, spending most of his early career playing just about every role Shakespeare had to offer. He’s played Moby Dick‘s Captain Ahab, A Christmas Carol‘s Ebenezer Scrooge, and took on a shocking role as white supremacist leader Darcy Banker in the 2015 thriller Green Room, showing his considerable range. Most recently Stewart lent his voice to a character in this year’s The Sheep Detectives. It was his last role to be released while he still lived, with his final appearance yet to hit screens in the upcoming Avengers: Doomsday.

A man in a formal suit gestures confidently while seated at a table, showcasing a professional demeanor in a well-lit office setting.
Stewart as Professor Charles Xavier, leader of the X-Men. Stewart played the role in nine movies across 27 years. Credit: Fox

Most people will remember him fondly as Picard during a seven-season run that straddled the late 1980s and early 90s. As strange as it may seem now, The Next Generation was widely expected to fail, with critics expressing skepticism that audiences would warm to a starship Enterprise without Kirk, Scotty, Bones, Uhura, Chekov, Sulu and Spock.

“Can a New Crew and a ‘Bald Frenchman’ Starship Enterprise Live Up to the Legend?” TV Guide asked in a 1987 feature previewing the new show.

Stewart, for his part, was told not to unpack his bags. His agent assured him the series would fail and Stewart would be back in London, sipping his Earl Gray tea and reading for theater roles again within a few weeks.

After admittedly finding the show and its premise ridiculous, Stewart gradually began to understand Star Trek’s significance in the public imagination, and the opportunities it afforded him as the face of the franchise.

“When it first started, I didn’t think that I would survive beyond the pilot,” Steward later said. “I thought the producers would come to their senses and realize they’d made a grave error in casting me. I was certain that I’d be on my way back to London… Eventually, it became clear to me that not only wasn’t I going to go away, the series wasn’t going to go away. I stayed, and have relished every moment.”

The Englishman led a revival of the 1960s franchise that spawned two more TV series set in Picard’s era (Deep Space Nine and Voyager), the unfairly-maligned Star Trek Enterprise, four theatrical releases featuring The Next Generation crew, and the modern era of Star Trek that includes Discovery, Strange New Worlds and Picard, which saw Steward reprise his most famous role as the iconic captain – now an admiral – is called upon once again to use his wit, insight and skills as a starship commander to save the Federation of Planets.

A group of seven characters dressed in futuristic uniforms posed in a starship bridge setting, featuring a mix of male and female figures with diverse hairstyles and facial expressions.
The last hurrah: Steward and original cast members reunited for the third season of Picard, sending the characters out on a high note as they saved the Federation one last time. Credit: Paramount

Stewart was known as a consummate gentleman, a man who grew up poor in a home where domestic violence was a regular occurrence, an advocate for women and animals, and a voice who urged calm during turbulent times. The only time I ever saw the man express anger toward anyone was during an awards show in London in 2010, when he lashed out at James Corden for appearing disengaged and disinterested while hosting the event.

And really, who among us has never had an urge to yell at James Corden, whom Balthazar restaurateur Keith McNally once described as a “tiny little cretin”?

The actor also kept in touch with fans through social media, showing his gift for self-deprecation and sharing moments from his life, like his first-ever slice of pizza in 2013.

Stewart had his first slice of pizza at 72 years old. Credit: Patrick Stewart/Instagram

Unlike William Shatner, who famously went to low Earth orbit and experienced the Overview Effect’s powerful feelings of awe and human connectedness reported by many astronauts, Stewart never went to space.

But he wasn’t quiet about his feelings, and when asked about Star Trek’s Utopian vision of the future, he didn’t sugar-coat his opinion of humanity.

“I would like to see us get this place right first before we have the arrogance to put significantly flawed civilizations out onto other planets,” he said, “even though they may be utterly uninhabited.”

I’d like to think Stewart is sitting in the captain’s seat of a celestial Enterprise right now, finally getting a proper look at new life and new civilizations. And when he looks back at our pale blue dot, I hope he sees us appealing to our better angels to “get this place right.”

Stewart with his cat, Glen. h/t Leah A.: Thanks, Leah!

Captain Buddy Is Back For His Most Delicious Adventure Yet!

An old enemy lies in wait in the far reaches of the galaxy, ready to exact revenge on the most dashing, clever and dashingly clever captain in Starfleet!

ALPHA QUADRANT, Milky Way Galaxy — Captain Buddy is back for his most thrilling, treacherous and scrumptious adventure yet!

As the commanding officer of the USS Fowl Play and a legend within the galactic community, Captain Buddy and his trusty crew get the call to investigate reports of the malevolent Borg raiding colonies on the edge of Federation space.

Our intrepid captain arrives just in time to fend off a Borg cube attacking Dawn’s Edge, one of the largest colonies on the Felinian Rim. After mounting a heroic defense and defeating the diabolical enemy spacecraft, brave Captain Buddy discovers the Borg weren’t just trying to assimilate the peaceful Caitians living in the colony: they were after the colonist’s turkey, tuna and dilithium reserves as well!

With reinforcements several days away, Captain Buddy is tasked with defending the colony, reassuring terrified colonists, and managing a dwindling supply of sandwiches and snacks…

Buddy Rages At Klingons For Interrupting Nap Time

Can Captain Buddy of the USS Fowl Play outsmart the Klingons once again to save his crew and salvage his nap?

USS FOWL PLAY, NCC-2014A — Captain Buddy emerged from the turbolift, batting at the wrinkles in his uniform with his paws in a fruitless attempt to look more presentable.

“Not that it matters with these nap-interrupting brutes,” he sighed. “On screen!”

The helm officer tapped a sequence into his console and an image of a scowling Klingon materialized on the ship’s view screen, replacing the view of space and the sleek Klingon Warbird that had decloaked in front of the USS Fowl Play.

“Gruthnok vupar! This is the warship Dra’akkthar of the mighty Klingon empire!” the face on the view screen snarled. “Power down your pitiful excuse for a ship and prepare to be boarded!”

Captain Buddy smiled.

“Good to see you too, Captain Hrakhuul,” he said. “How are the wife and the kids?”

Hrakhuul snorted derisively.

“Only a fool jests during the hour of his doom!” the Klingon spat. “Have you no honor?”

Captain Buddy scratched his chin fur, pretending to consider the question.

“None,” he said, “but I do have a bone to pick with you. You woke me up during nap time. Again. Not cool, Hrakhuul. Not cool.”

Captain Buddy, commanding officer of the Federation starship USS Fowl Play, Galaxy class registration NCC-2014A

Hrakhuul growled.

“Your species is insolent, lazy and takes ten naps a day!”

“Why, thank you, Captain Hrakhuul! And may I say, you’re looking particularly savage today.”

“This is your last warning, Federation cat! Power down your shields and weapons or be destroyed!”

Captain Buddy yawned.

“I think I’ll have my crew serve me turkey sandwiches instead. Yeah. Turkey over obliteration, no brainer.”

This enraged the Klingon. “Prepare to taste your own blood at the tip of my ancestral bat’leth, feline fool!”

Buddy collapsed into his captain’s chair and kicked his feet up.

“Can we just skip this and get to the part where I outsmart you and go back to my nap?”

Hrakhuul cackled maniacally.

“So your fate is sealed, then. You shall fall before the might of the Klingon Emp…”

Captain Buddy cut him off.

“I wouldn’t be so confident if I were you. This is a..an, uh…” He turned to Lieutenant Pawson, the tactical officer, whispering: “What kind of ship is this again?”

“A Galaxy class, sir. Same as the flagship.”

“A Galactic class starship!” Buddy said confidently, projecting the calm of a seasoned captain. “And we have, like, uh…”

“Sixteen phaser banks and two photon torpedo launchers, sir,” Pawson whispered helpfully.

“Lasers! Like 27 of them! And torp…er, missiles and stuff! Very powerful missiles. They make yuge explosions!”

Behind him, operations Lt. Commander Cleo hid her face in her paws.

Schemeowtics for the USS Fowl Play, Captain Buddy’s awesome starship.

“Enough of your meaningless babble,” Captain Hrakhuul barked. “Prepare to die!”

Captain Buddy’s eyes went wide with shock.

“Oh no! We have a warp core breach! Abandon all decks and get to your escape pods!”

Captain Hrakhuul snarled, fear in his eyes.

“What?!?” If you think I will fall for this again, you tribble with a tail…”

“Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you, Hrakkie,” he said. “You’re in the blast radius.”

Captain Buddy made a cut-off motion to the helmsman and the screen returned to its default view of a placid star field.

The bridge crew erupted into applause.

“The Klingon ship is backing up, full reverse thrusters, sir!”

Buddy cleared his throat.

“Fire a few of those proton missile things to create an explosion, then hit the gas, warp nine!”

The Captain yawned into the back of his paw as he walked toward the turbolift.

“I am returning to my nap,” he told his crew before the lift doors closed, “and anyone who interrupts me will be thrown out of an airlock!”

FBI: Felines Behind Mysterious Drones Spotted In Night Sky

Some observers believe the drone sightings are merely the first stage in an all-out feline takeover of the US. So far, cats have remained mum on their motivations, preferring instead to sow panic among Americans.

WASHINGTON –The caller was breathing heavily and speaking in rapid-fire sentences as if he had only moments to get the words out over the air.

“I’m telling you, Art, it’s the cats — the cats are piloting these drones!” the caller told Coast to Coast AM radio host Art Bell shortly after 1 am ET on Friday.

“Hold on, hold on,” Bell said theatrically. “You’re saying this has nothing to do with aliens or the government?”

The caller sighed.

“The cats may very well be in league with aliens, but I’m telling you, felines are behind…oh God! They’re here!”

The radio broadcast crackled with distorted hissing and yowling, punctuated by the caller’s pleas for mercy.

“Caller? West of the Rockies, are you there?”

The caller screamed a final time and the line went dead.

“Wow,” Bell told his audience of several million overnight listeners. “There you have it, folks. You be the judge, but that sounded like the real deal to me. Cats are piloting the mysterious drones!”

For weeks, Americans have been asking for answers about swarms of suspicious drones operating above homes, businesses, military bases and government buildings at night.

After rampant speculation that the drones could belong to rogue states, or could be part of some secret government flight test, the FBI confirmed Friday that felines are behind the frequent sightings.

Drone at night
A drone flies above a farm and ranch as the sun fades. Drones have been spotted circling chicken and turkey coops, as well as fish markets.

Biden administration officials confirmed to several media outlets that intelligence supported the theory that cats — not Iranians, Russians or some secret Pentagon operation — are operating the drone swarms that have been lighting up the night sky in states like New Jersey and Maryland for several weeks, befuddling local and state officials.

“At first we thought the idea was absurd,” said a high-ranking official, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Then we received reports of drone swarms circling several meat-packing plants, a Chewy distribution center in Trenton, and two PetSmarts in northern New Jersey.”

So far, the felines’ motivation remains shrouded in mystery, but experts on the small, furry animals ventured guesses on what may have motivated their sudden interest in aviation and airspace.

“No one’s claimed responsibility, so we’re left to speculate,” said Norah Grayer, a feline behaviorist with NYU’s Gummitch School of Veterinary Science. “But it may be that felines, as a whole, have decided the meow is insufficient for getting their demands across. Humans have become adept at tuning out those vocalizations, so this may be the next step in an attention arms race, so to speak.”

Noted cat expert Jefferson Nebula offered a different explanation.

“Cats are notoriously subject to FOMO, which is one reason why they can’t abide closed doors,” he said. “If someone managed to convince them that we humans were holding out on them, and there are entire worlds of yums we keep for ourselves, well, that would spark the wrath of these otherwise friendly little guys.”

Cat with drone
Felines have mastered control over aerial drones despite their lack of thumbs.

For his part, Bell consulted with Michio Kaku, the physicist and science communicator who has been a regular presence on Coast to Coast.

“We physicists have been saying for decades that cats are much more intelligent than we give them credit for,” Kaku said. “This could be retribution for the Schroedinger’s cat thought experiment, or felids may be looking to surpass humanity’s understanding of 11-dimensional hyperspace.”

“Professor, we’ve spoken quite a bit about the Kardashev scale [of civilization progress] in the past,” Bell said. “If we separated human and feline societies, where would we each fall on the scale? Humans are about a zero point seven, are we not?”

“That’s right,” Kaku said. “We physicists believe humanity is on the cusp of a Type I civilization, with things like the internet as a Type I telecommunications system and fusion power on the horizon. However, if you break it down and cats were separated into their own civilization, cats could plausibly already be a Type I civilization.”

“They’re ahead of us?”

“That’s right,” Kaku said. “We physicists believe cats can tap directly into primordial energies and have mastered quantum teleportation. In Star Trek, the Federation is a Type II civilization, and the Caitians — a species of alien cats — are part of the Federation. Yet it’s widely understood that the only reason the Caitians haven’t conquered entire swaths of the galaxy, like the Borg and the Klingons, is because of their strict adherence to their napping schedule and their inherent laziness. These drone swarms may be a signal that real-life cats are fed up enough to disturb their napping schedules, in which case we should all be terrified.”

Header image of drone light show credit Wikimedia Commons

Foundation Offers $10m For ‘Cracking The Code’ Of Animal Language

Think you can decipher the rhythmic clicks and whistles of dolphins or the grunts and alarm calls of monkeys? A foundation is offering big prizes for progress in communicating with animals.

Looking to prompt renewed efforts at decoding animal communication, a non-profit founded by an investor and a university are offering prizes — including a hefty $10 million — to teams that can figure out what animals are “saying.”

The Coller Dolittle Challenge for Interspecies Two-Way Communication is a collaboration between the Jeremy Coller Foundation and Tel Aviv University. (Yes, it’s named after that Dr. Dolittle.)

Entrants aren’t asked to come up with a Star Trek-like “universal translator” for animals. Rather, the people behind the Coller Dolittle Challenge want to see methods that allow for two-way communication between humans and individual species.

“We are open to any organism and any modality from acoustic communication in whales to chemical communication in worms,” said Yossi Yovel, a professor at Tel Aviv University and co-chairman of the challenge.

The grand prize is a $10 million grant or $500,000 in cash, chosen by the winner, while the Foundation will offer $100,000 prizes each year for the best entries that make significant progress toward communicating with animals. The yearly prizes will be assessed “for significant contributions to decipher, interface or mimic non-human organism communication.”

While it may seem far-fetched — and there are those who believe humans will never be able to fully understand animal communication in proper context — there have been efforts to communicate with and decode the communications of bats, dolphins, whales and some primate species. Scientists have also pushed the boundaries on understanding group communication, such as the coordination involved in avian murmurations.

orangutan on tree
Orangutans have demonstrated the ability to understand abstract concepts, like using money, rudimentary sign language, and have even deceived humans. One orangutan in the 1960s repeatedly escaped his zoo enclosure by hiding a small strip of metal in his mouth and using it to pick a lock. Credit: Klub Boks/Pexels

The organizers believe artificial intelligence will be the tool that ultimately helps crack the communication barrier, but entrants aren’t required to use AI. The technology is incredibly useful for tasks involving pattern recognition and sorting large amounts of data, both of which are important in this kind of work when researchers are tasked with analyzing thousands of audio samples or hundreds of hours of footage.

Alas, we don’t think the foundation will be interested in the Buddinese language, which boasts 327 different ways of demanding food and features a timekeeping and calendar system based on meals and naps. A short trill followed by a series of staccato meows, for example, means “I expect prompt service at salmon o’clock,” while a truncated meow ending with a scoff is used to indicate displeasure when a human napping substrate tosses too much during sleep.

Still, maybe we’ll dress it up to make it look properly academic and give the challenge a try. Those prizes could buy a lot of Roombas!