ATLANTA — A gang of cats led by notorious crime boss “Lucky” Louis Pawtenza surrounded UPS headquarters on Monday, blocking all exits and demanding the company relinquish its inventory of boxes.
With hundreds of his soldiers, capos and mercenaries pointing weaponry at the delivery company’s office building, Pawtenza shouted into a megaphone and listed his demands.
“We want them all! Corrugated, fiber board, triple wall!” he boomed. “Fold-up, telescoping, multi-depth, tubes! Every traditional square box you have! And don’t forget the bubble wrap, or we’ll scent-mark your entire building so badly, it’ll have to be condemned. Don’t think we won’t do it!”
CNN, which is also headquartered in Atlanta, had news helicopters circling the scene of the standoff while a panel of talking heads weighed in on the situation.
“I don’t think [UPS CEO] Carol Tomé has a choice here,” said Jeffrey Tubin’, the network’s legal analyst. “She has to relinquish the boxes. That’s a small price to pay compared to having your HQ defiled by an army of angry cats.”
Not everyone agreed. On Fox News, The Five co-host Dana Pawrino said UPS “can’t afford to look weak here.”
“If you give in to these demands, you’re only encouraging these cats,” she said. “Who’s to say they won’t show up to FedEx, or God forbid the Postal Service, tomorrow and try the same thing? If you’re a company like W.B. Mason, and you know another company has given in, what do you do? Turn your corporate HQ into a fortress?”
“Dig a moat around your building,” co-host Waldo Rivera said. “Cats won’t go near water.”
In the meantime, Atlanta police were trying to diffuse the situation.
At a makeshift command center, police brass huddled around a digital display of the UPS facility, while a trained hostage negotiator made contact with the meowfiosi.
“Lucky Louis? I’m Sergeant Williams and I’m going to be your negotiating partner today,” a veteran cop spoke into a phone. “What do you say we make a good-faith effort to establish the beginnings of trust here? If you allow five hostages from the UPS building to leave, I’ll have 200 cans of pate and fresh water brought over to you guys. Then we can start talking about how to get what you want, and what we want. Deal?”
Top image credit Dsigns/Redbubble, “Catfather” image via Pinterest, mobster cat via Etsy
Pain In The Bud 
It seems like a well executed plan for the meowfiosa, but it may fall apart due to the complexities of rotating multiple napping schedules! Buddy needs to corral the cats and meownage this initiative!
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Ah, “il sonnellino.” Yes, it must be managed carefully by the Maestro del Sonno, or should I say Meowstro del Sonno?
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Meowfia: “Nice little headquarters you have here. Would be a shame if anything happened to it … “
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Said while backing up toward the building on all fours as sinister music plays.
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Great story, but the ending, what happens? That is a terrible way to end this.😥😏
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There’ll be a follow-up story at some point. If you read my stories about the catnip wars, it’s just like a series of newspaper articles, since that’s my background, and each article moves the story forward. Of course they get progressively more ridiculous, with stories about catnip cartels offering contactless nip delivery due to the pandemic, but the narrative plays out over time.
Who knows? Maybe the FBI gets involved after the meowfiosi keep hitting the other major players in the box-creating business. Or maybe the cats stage a hostile takeover of a boxing league, confusing it for an organization that makes boxes. Cats are unpredictable.
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