Tag: mafia

Meowfia Family Lays Siege To UPS HQ, Demands Boxes

ATLANTA — A gang of cats led by notorious crime boss “Lucky” Louis Pawtenza surrounded UPS headquarters on Monday, blocking all exits and demanding the company relinquish its inventory of boxes.

With hundreds of his soldiers, capos and mercenaries pointing weaponry at the delivery company’s office building, Pawtenza shouted into a megaphone and listed his demands.

“We want them all! Corrugated, fiber board, triple wall!” he boomed. “Fold-up, telescoping, multi-depth, tubes! Every traditional square box you have! And don’t forget the bubble wrap, or we’ll scent-mark your entire building so badly, it’ll have to be condemned. Don’t think we won’t do it!”

CNN, which is also headquartered in Atlanta, had news helicopters circling the scene of the standoff while a panel of talking heads weighed in on the situation.

“I don’t think [UPS CEO] Carol Tomé has a choice here,” said Jeffrey Tubin’, the network’s legal analyst. “She has to relinquish the boxes. That’s a small price to pay compared to having your HQ defiled by an army of angry cats.”

Meowfia
Cats hardened by a life of crime, like Angelo “The Fish Calzone” Gattacio, have become more bold in recent years as the FBI has turned its focus to terrorism.

Not everyone agreed. On Fox News, The Five co-host Dana Pawrino said UPS “can’t afford to look weak here.”

“If you give in to these demands, you’re only encouraging these cats,” she said. “Who’s to say they won’t show up to FedEx, or God forbid the Postal Service, tomorrow and try the same thing? If you’re a company like W.B. Mason, and you know another company has given in, what do you do? Turn your corporate HQ into a fortress?”

“Dig a moat around your building,” co-host Waldo Rivera said. “Cats won’t go near water.”

In the meantime, Atlanta police were trying to diffuse the situation.

At a makeshift command center, police brass huddled around a digital display of the UPS facility, while a trained hostage negotiator made contact with the meowfiosi.

“Lucky Louis? I’m Sergeant Williams and I’m going to be your negotiating partner today,” a veteran cop spoke into a phone. “What do you say we make a good-faith effort to establish the beginnings of trust here? If you allow five hostages from the UPS building to leave, I’ll have 200 cans of pate and fresh water brought over to you guys. Then we can start talking about how to get what you want, and what we want. Deal?”

Top image credit Dsigns/Redbubble, “Catfather” image via Pinterest, mobster cat via Etsy

NYC Mayoral Candidate Has 16 Cats

We normally avoid politics on this blog except for the occasional light-hearted satire imagining Buddy as a comically inept president of the Americats, but we’ll make an exception for the New York City mayoral race, which features two animal-loving major party candidates.

Eric Adams, a Democrat, is a former NYPD captain, Brooklyn borough president and vegan who has supported TNR programs in Brooklyn, pushed for more animal-friendly housing in the city and hosted adoption events in his home borough, according to the Humane Society’s Legislative Fund.

Curtis Sliwa is best known nationally as the founder of the unarmed crime prevention group the Guardian Angels, and in New York as a host on the city’s biggest talk radio station. (He’s been on hiatus since launching his mayoral campaign to comply with election law.)

He survived an attempted mafia hit in 1992, jumping out of a cab after he was shot several times by Gotti family enforcers, and he’s a dedicated cat lover, sharing his home with 16 rescues. Most of Sliwa’s cats have disabilities or were pulled from local shelter kill lists. Not all of them are permanent, and the Sliwas consider themselves long-term fosters until they can find the right homes for special needs cats. Last year they were able to place 10 kitties in good homes.

Still, the felines come first in their 87th Street apartment.

“Guess what? It’s the cats who rule the roost,” Sliwa told a New York Post cameraman in June. “We take whatever room is left after the cats carve out their territory.”

Cat furniture dominates the studio apartment Sliwa shares with his wife, Nancy, who told the Post she’s considering adopting more furballs, including a special-needs rescue who is blind. (They had 15 cats at the time and have adopted one more since then.)

Turning to her husband, she quipped: “We might have to lose your half of the closet.”

The couple share litter box duties and clean the multiple boxes in their home at least three times a day, they told the Post.

NYC mayoral candidate Curtis Sliwa plays with his cats.

At the end of Tuesday’s televised mayoral debate, when asked which qualities they admire in their opponents, both Sliwa and Adams praised each other for their work with animals.

The city and its surrounding environs lean heavily blue. Sixty-eight percent of registered voters in the five boroughs are registered Democrats, and Adams holds a commanding 36-point lead according to the latest poll.

Like all Republicans who set their sights on the mayor’s job, Sliwa knew it was going to be an uphill battle even though New Yorkers have tired of the current mayor, Democrat Bill DeBlasio. Sliwa hopes one of his central campaign promises — to enact a no-kill policy across the city’s shelter system — will resonate with voters across the aisle.

Republicans who have won in the past have been centrist, like former Mayor Rudy Giuliani, or nominally Republican, like businessman turned politician Michael Bloomberg. The latter enjoyed widespread name recognition before he turned to politics and supplemented his campaign hauls with his own considerable resources.

Still, the Guardian Angels founder sees Gracie Mansion, the mayor’s Upper East Side home, as a potentially fantastic cat house.

“I’ve been in Gracie Mansion before,” Sliwa told New York magazine. “There is easily room in there for 60 cats.”

Notorious Mob Cat Capo Escapes Animal Control

NEW YORK — One of the east coast’s most ruthless mafioso cats was sprung from the big house on Saturday, officials from animal control confirmed.

Fat Tony Purrtellini, a capo in the Cattazio crime family, escaped in the chaos following a prison brawl between felines and a group of Chihuahuas, witnesses said.

“It was absolute bedlam,” said Fuzzy, a British shorthair who witnessed the scene. “A rowdy group of Los Gatos were talking all sorts of rubbish and told the Chihuahuas they would be knifed if they didn’t stop yapping, but that only made the Chihuahuas yap even louder. Then Fat Tony tossed fuel on the fire by telling the Gatos that the Chihuahuas barked at their mums.”

The chaotic scene was compounded by the Chihuahuas’ loose relationship with reality, a source at animal control said.

”Chihuahuas think they’re the size of Great Danes,” said the official, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Someone really needs to give those dogs a mirror.”

As the Gatos rained blows on the pint-size dogs and the dogs retaliated by biting the cats’ tails, Fat Tony Purrtellini was spirited away by a mysterious hooded figure.

“It were Harry Mewdini, I’m sure of it,” one inmate said with hushed reverence. “I’ll never forget that face.”

Mewdini is singlehandedly responsible for at least two dozen jailbreaks, federal authorities say. The mysterious cat was originally a magician who worked birthday parties on the Chuck-E-Cheese circuit, wowing kittens by escaping Schroedinger’s box and making balloon mice until he caught the eye of the Cattazio crime family, which had several members serving time and saw promise in Mewdini’s skills.

Gangsta Cat
“You lookin’ at me?” Fat Tony Purrtellini, capo of the Cattazio Crime Family, is known for ruthless drive-by urinatings.

The impact of Fat Tony’s escape was already felt on the street, where Gatos crews were posting extra look-outs and beefing up security because of the portly feline’s reputation for ruthless drive-by sprayings.

Others were stocking up on Purrtellini’s favorite snacks — including soppressata, mortadella, capicola and prosciutto — to bribe the infamous meowbster.

“You let your guard down for one minute,” said a nip dealer who refused to give his name for fear of reprisals, “and that’s when Fat Tony rolls up with his crew. We’re all terrified of getting soaked.”