Buddy the Cat – Page 38 – Pain In The Bud

Angry Cat Refuses To Relinquish Chicken Wing

Why not let our feline friends have a taste of human-grade food every once in a while?

The star of the internet’s newest viral cat video knows what she wants, and she isn’t going to part with it easily.

In the video below, kitty growls at the humans who want to take away her delicious chicken wing. Ultimately it requires three people to take the wing from her, and she licks her lips before the evil humans can wipe the hot sauce away too:

@coachmeeks

#question from @coachmeeks

♬ original sound – Tomika

Personally I’d have let her keep it. It’s already in her mouth. Clearly she’s not bothered by the hot sauce. And maybe it’ll be a good lesson if she eats the wing and doesn’t feel well afterward, so she won’t go for a plate of wings next time.

This reminds me of the time I made a late-night Burger King run when Bud was just a kitten, before I went vegetarian. I came home, unwrapped my burger, removed the fries from the bag and went to the kitchen for napkins or ketchup or something, only to return and find the burger had vanished!

Bud left a trail of discarded pieces of bread leading to his eating nook, where he’d unceremoniously dumped the rest of the bun.

It was my fault and it was funny, so how could I be mad at the little guy? I don’t remember if the burger upset his stomach, but I do clearly remember he paid dearly and learned another kitten lesson when he scarfed down a bunch of pistachios. He even ate the closed nuts, shells and all! Several hours later he was in his litter box, straining like someone who’d taken three times the recommended dose of ex lax and hadn’t pooped in a week.

Sometimes you can’t teach things. If an upset stomach or a rough evening in the litter box is the price of a lesson, and the food isn’t going to kill your feline friend, why not let them learn the hard way?

As for Buddy, would he have turned into the strapping and meowscular cat we know today if he hadn’t learned those lessons?

buddy_accurate2 — A very accurate drawing of Buddy the Cat.

Buddy Commissions Fresco Of His Great Victory Over Rodent

Buddy the Cat revises history and imagines defeating a rodent instead of sleeping while it invaded his territory.

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat’s human servant returned home Friday to discover the buzz of craftsmen and smell of fresh paint after the silver tabby commissioned a fresco to celebrate his recent victory over a menacing rodent.

Amid the commotion was Luigi Tettamanzi, 62, one of Italy’s foremost Renaissance revivalists. The artist crouched on one knee, applying fine brush strokes to render the beginnings of a sun beam illuminating a powerful feline form in mid-leap with claws extended.

The fresh plaster had already been painted with a luminous sky blue, and broad strokes outlined the suggestion of mountains and forests in the background.

“You see, yes, I use bright and dramatic colors on the arriccio, paint you very heroic, ah?” Tettamanzi told the famously egotistical feline as they conferred during a break. “Not to worry, my friend. I make sure is okay with you before I apply intonaco, yes.”

At Buddy’s instruction, Tettamanzi had begun to render the mouse as a savage and menacing beast several hundred times its actual size. The painting shows a trail of death and destruction behind the mouse, with terrified onlookers pointing at the majestic feline leaping to engage the monstrous rodent. His outstretched paw connects with the enemy, the strike represented with a brilliant flash of energy in chaotic brush strokes.

A cartouche above the painting identifies it as “The Battle of the Rodential Interloper: Year 7 A.B. Resulting In Glorious Buddesian Victory.”

giantrat — An early concept drawing of the intruder.

For several long moments, Big Buddy could only stare, dumbfounded.

“Buuuuud!” the human finally said, incredulity in his voice. “What the hell are you doing?”

The tabby looked up from some concept drawings he was reviewing with Tettamanzi.

“Commemorating my victory, of course,” Buddy replied. “The painting represents my heroic actions that day, when I saved many humans from a sinister and vicious rodent-beast.”

The human sighed.

“No, you did not!” he said. “You slept through the whole thing. You didn’t even know the mouse was here until you woke up from your nap an hour later.”

“Fake news!” Buddy said, turning back to Tettamanzi to confer on palette choices and urge the artist to make him look more muscular.

As of press time the fresco had been extended to a second wall, with a new panel depicting a powerfully built Buddy atop a throne adorned with lion motifs, and humans bending the knee before him as he magnanimously accepts oaths of loyalty.

buddybattleinstructions — A “more accurate” version, according to Buddy, but still not as dramatic as the real battle.

How Cats See The World

Cats see the world differently, in objective physical terms as well as psychologically.

Have you ever wondered what the world looks like to your cat?

Veterinarians, animal ophthalmologists and researchers from the University of Pennsylvania’s ophthalmology group provided insight for this article and the accompanying images, which show how scenes look to us humans and to our feline friends.

The images are striking and show the relative strengths and weaknesses of feline vision. While cats see the world in muted colors and in less acuity than typical humans, they make up for it with their astounding night vision and their ability to instantly detect motion within their visual fields.

This image shows feline night vision at work thanks to the tapetum lucidum, a layer of tissue that acts as a retroreflector, increasing the amount of light that makes it to the photoreceptors in cats’ eyes. The tapetum lucidum is best known as the reflective “lens” that makes cat eyes appear to glow in the dark:

This image shows the trade-off compared to human vision. Cat eyes have a wider field of view, seen below, but they don’t pick up reds or greens, and their overall vision is blurry compared to average human eyesight, represented in the top image:

Night vision and extreme visual sensitivity to movement are important to cats as crepuscular hunters, allowing them to spot prey in low light conditions and to negate advantages from natural camouflage, as motion gives away the presence of prey animals.

Cats have a slightly wider visual field than people do, at approximately 200 degrees compared to the human 180 degrees, while most cats have between 20/100 and 20/200 vision. (That’s much better than Big Buddy sans glasses, whose 20/600 vision enables him to see blurry, colorful shapes and not much else. No wonder Little Buddy likes to torture his human by swiping his glasses.)

Of course, these images do not entirely account for how cats see the world, which is why I’ve created my own image. Behold a Buddy’s Eye View, showing how the world — and humans — look to him:

Downton Buddy — From Buddy the Cat’s perspective, humans are all servants, constantly standing by to attend to him.

Buddy The Cat’s Christmas Songbook

Buddy the Cat sings holiday and Christmas classics from a feline perspective.

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, I am going to destroy you!
Oh Christmas tree, oh Big Buddy, I am going to annoy you!
Got yummies in my bowl to taste, and ornaments and lights to break
Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, I am going to destroy you!

Your branches point so high and straight
Just begging for a swipe to take
Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree
I will annihilate you!

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, how lovely are your branches?
Oh Christmas tree, oh Big Buddy, I am going to faceplant it!
The Hallmarks will shatter and break, I’ll make disaster of this place
Oh Christmas tree, oh Big Buddy, I am going to annoy you!

You sparkle like the morning dew
Look mangled when I’m done with you
Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree
What fun it is to wreck stuff!

Buddy’s Favorite Things

Temps in my bowlses and snacks in the kitchen
Taunting the street cats and smacking some kittens
Leaving the neighbor’s dog tied up in strings
These are a few of my favorite things!

Bubble wrap, peanuts and UPS boxes
4 a.m. zooms when I scream like a rocket
Waking my human with songs that I sing
These are a few of my favorite things!

At nail clip time, things I dislike
When I’m really mad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad!

Calico booties and slices of Gouda
Ambushing like I’ve been launched by bazooka
No consequences ’cause I am the king
These are a few of my favorite things!

Screeching in anguish at doors closed between us
Shattering Wise Men and statues of Jesus
I helped myself to the buffalo wings
These are a few of my favorite things!

Meow at my bowl as if I’ve been forgotten
Screeching in panic ’cause I see the bottom
Gorging on kibble till I am puking
These are a few of my favorite things!

When I’m told no, ’cause I broke those
When my dad is mad
I’ll get away with my favorite things
Because I’m a real cute cat!

It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Everywhere I look
Take a look at the Christmas tree, it’s been redesigned by me
And the lights are broken!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Coal in every sock
It’s beginning to look a bit like I’ve had too much catnip
And now I’m dizzy!

A Santa Claws surprise and a Roomba for me to ride
Is the wish of Buddy the Cat
A box to take a nap and another to take a crap
What do you think of that?
And my human can hardly wait for vacation!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
With every wrap I shred
Now it’s nap time for me, underneath the Christmas tree
Then I’ll demand treats!

Twelve Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas
My human gave to me
A can of delicious turkey

On the second day of Christmas
My human gave to me
Two window perches
And a can of delicious turkey

On the third day of Christmas
My human gave to me
Three cozy boxes
Two window perches
And a can of delicious turkey

On the fourth day of Christmas
My human gave to me
Four kneading blankets
Three cozy boxes
Two window perches
And a can of delicious turkey

On the fifth day of Christmas
My human gave to me
Five golden bowls
Four kneading blankets
Three cozy boxes
Two window perches
And a can of delicious turkey

On the sixth day of Christmas
My human gave to me
Six Chewy orders
Five golden bowls
Four kneading blankets
Three cozy boxes
Two window perches
And a can of delicious turkey

On the seventh…zzzz…
…zzzz…

Hey, Bud?

…zzz…turkeh…zzzz…

Bud!

…zzz…

Well, it looks like the catnip and tryptophan have done their thing and the little guy is asleep, dreaming of turkey and presents. Don’t worry, he’ll be singing these songs for five more days. Five more days?!?! Ugh…

Buddy The Cat Furious After Can Opening Turns Out To Be Corn

Cats are deeply traumatized when they hear the distinct sound of a food package opening and discover it’s not for them.

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat was enraged Friday night when he was woken from a deep sleep by the sound of an aluminum can being opened, then bolted upright, jumped off the bed and ran to the kitchen only to find his human with a freshly-opened can of corn in his hands.

Calling such incidents “cruel teases” and “deeply unfair” to him and other felines, the silver tabby demanded the food industry develop alternate methods of packaging human food.

“We’ve all heard the plasticky rustle of a bag and come running, just drooling with anticipation for the Temps only to skid to a halt as we catch that first putrid whiff of sour cream and onion potato chips or tortilla chips,” Buddy told reporters at a press conference later Friday evening. “I’m not judging, by the way, but human food is disgusting. I mean, you literally eat leaves and call it ‘salad’ so you forget you’re eating leaves. Give me a mound of chicken in a paste-like consistency any day.”

Cats don't like salad! — Torture: Cats are offended by the very presence of salad. How can humans consume such disgusting food?

Joining him at the podium, four-year-old Siamese Burton recalled his disappointment at hearing the crinkle of an aluminum package and scurrying to the kitchen to witness his servant, Olivia, scattering 4C breadcrumbs onto a vegetarian casserole bound for the oven.

“I almost puked,” Burton said, shuddering from the trauma as Buddy placed a supportive paw on his shoulder. “Vegetarian casserole! Vegetables! How do you people eat this stuff? It’s madness!”

If humans were genuinely considerate of their feline friends, Buddy insisted, they’d make some of their own food palatable to cats.

“I’m not just talking about cooking a nice steak without any spices or sauces,” Buddy said. “Why not make beef pate flavor potato chips or apples that taste like salmon? Has anyone ever thought of tuna-flavored ice cream? I bet you wouldn’t even be able to keep it in stock, that’s how popular it would be.”

Cat chips — Salmon-flavored potato chips would be a hot seller, President Buddy insists. Credit: Reddit

The former president of the Americats said his bad experiences with food have even prompted ideas about opening up his own restaurant for cats.

“Not one of those lousy casual dining places either,” he said. “I’m talkin’ about a nice type of joint where the waiters wear bow ties and open the cans right in front of you at the table. The kind of place that has you check your collar at the entrance, where you could take a lady friend.”

Reached after his feline’s hastily-arranged press conference, human Big Buddy said he wasn’t aware his cat was campaigning for alternative forms of food packaging.

“That’s tragic,” he said, “because I’ve got a big bag of pistachio nuts I’m planning on opening later. Maybe I’ll wait to do that until Bud’s fast asleep. You know, for entertainment purposes.”