internet – Pain In The Bud

Buddy Becomes New Age Guru, Says Path To Enlightenment Begins With Feeding Him

“Activate your chakras and, like, serve me turkey and stuff.”

Buddy the Cat sits in a lotus position, whiskers relaxed, with a serene expression on his face.

“As we enter the quantum realm of the mind and traverse the sacred lacuna leading to the mysteries of the cosmos, let us allow ourselves to drift, to feel the subtle tug of gravity asserting itself upon our quantum existences, so that we may reach simultaneous quantum enlightenment within the subatomic and macro universes,” Buddy says softly as a room full of his disciples imitate his posture.

Suddenly the chubby cat opens his eyes, scanning the room.

“And now the time has come,” he says, “for a quantum nap. Who would please the spirit of the cosmos by providing a suitably soft napping substrate?:

Buddy regains his kitten form after communing with the quantum alchemists of Epsilon Eridani, who grant him special powers after circumambulating a triple star system within a quantum starship and stuff.

Every hand shoots up, with disciples — or “quantum mignons,” in Buddesian parlance — begging to be chosen.

The guru pads along the rows of disciples, wrinkling his nose to “discern the most comfortable chakras,” before settling in the lap of Maelle, a 20-year-old exchange student from France.

“I feel so blessed to be chosen,” she confesses as Guru Buddy climbs into her lap.

“I shall meditate,” Buddy tells her with a yawn, “upon your anima as the soothing stillness of sleep embraces me, fortifying your spirit with an increase in your alpha quotient.”

Maelle nods excitedly. “Thank you, enlightened guru!”

“And remember,” Buddy says, “should you feel the call of nature or the need to adjust your position, meditate upon your quantum quantumness to fortify your, uh, quantums so you don’t disturb me.”

The tabby cat settles down, then opens one eye.

“I almost forgot,” he says, raising his meows so all can hear him. “Please prepare my post-nap feast, for the quantum processes of my restorative beauty sleep make me famished. Serving me delicious food is most pleasing to the cosmic pantheon. I shall now spirit-walk the galactic plane and commune with the ancient alchemists of Epsilon Eridani to probe the mysteries of dark matter and KFC Extra Crispy. Can someone bring me a quantum pillow?”

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Happy Birthday, Flossie: World’s Oldest Cat Turns 30!

Despite her advanced age and loss of hearing, Flossie is still “affectionate and playful,” her human says.

When Flossie was born, Mariah Carey, Coolio and Pearl Jam ruled the airwaves alongside a band called Deep Blue Something with their hit, “Breakfast At Tiffany’s.”

Robert Deniro and Al Pacino were kings of the box office for their film, Heat, alongside Robin Williams’ Jumanji and Steve Martin’s Father of the Bride Part II. Bill Clinton was still serving his first term as president, and the internet was in its infancy as a network available to the wider public after years of use by the military and academics, with users connecting via cumbersome and painfully slow modems.

Your humble correspondent was just a kid, and Buddy wouldn’t be born for almost another 20 years.

Yet Flossie’s still going and just celebrated her 30th birthday on Dec. 29. The tortoiseshell was officially named the world’s oldest cat in 2022 when she was 26 years old. Flossie, originally a stray living near a hospital, was adopted by her first human, a healthcare worker. When that woman passed away, her sister became Flossie’s caretaker. And in August of 2022, having outlived two of her humans, Flossie was taken in by the UK’s Cats Protection, who carefully screened applicants until settling on Victoria Green, who lived in Orpington, UK.

“I’ve always wanted to give older cats a comfortable life,” Green said when she was chosen as Flossie’s caretaker.

Flossie was deaf and had “limited eyesight,” veterinarians noted when they helped Guiness World Records verify the long-lived feline’s age. But despite that, Flossie remains “affectionate and playful,” Green said.

“I feel like I’m not sharing my home with the oldest cat. I feel like this is her home and I’m encroaching on her space,” Green told Guinness World Records at the time. “She’s a very nice roommate and we get on very well. I don’t feel like I’m living with a senior.”

The oldest cat on record was Creme Puff of Austin, Texas, who was born in August of 1967 and lived until 1995, when Flossie was born.

We wish the birthday girl a happy one and hope she’s got at least a few more birthdays in her.

Buddy’s Cat Café Celebrates 2 Years Of Offering Customers The Chance To Lavish Affection And Treats On Buddy

Buddy’s Cat Café and Catnip Lounge has become a neighborhood fixture where feline lovers can enjoy their favorite caffeinated beverages while lavishing snacks and catnip on Buddy himself.

NEW YORK — When Buddy’s Cat Café and Catnip Lounge first opened its doors in late 2023, skeptics were quick to predict its demise.

“A cat cafe featuring only one cat sounds more like the selfish plot of the proprietor feline and less like a legitimate cat cafe experience,” the New York Times sniffed, while the New York Post derided the venture as “one chubby cat’s ludicrous scheme to gorge on endless snacks and catnip while customers line up to shower him with affection.”

Two years later, with a 4.8 out of 5 rating on Google and hundreds of regulars, Buddy’s Cat Café has not only been a success, it’s inspired other felines to open their own single-cat locations.

Mrs. Nakamura watches her students interact with Buddy, affectionately known to them as Badi-chan.

Mrs. Tomoko Nakamura, a teacher at the Japanese Academy of Manhattan, has been taking her class to Buddy’s since the cafe opened.

“Badi-chan very handsome and charming,” Mrs. Nakamura said, smiling as her students giggled and offered an array of crunchy treats to the lounging feline. “All my students love him!”

Sisters Dierdre and Stephanie Sullivan are regulars who say they take their kids to Buddy’s almost weekly.

“Madisyn, Skyelarr and Jaxon just love little Buddy,” Stephanie Sullivan said, calling other cat cafes “a tragedeigh in comparison.”

Buddy and friends during a Tabletop Tuesdays gathering at Buddy’s Cat Café and Catnip Lounge.

Since its opening, Buddy’s has featured an array of themed nights that cater to regulars with shared interests.

On Saturdays a lively crowd of people wearing perms, neon clothes and big shoulder pads flock to the cafe for Retro 80s Night. Sunday crowds gather to watch football with Buddy on the big screen TV, and Tabletop Tuesdays cater to miniature wargamers, with Buddy and his regulars continuing long-running campaigns in Dungeons and Dragons and Warhammer 40K.

One of the most popular themed nights is Freestyle Fridays, when local rappers and hip hop heads gather to spit bars, smoke blunts and collaborate on beats.

DJ Rashid, center, jubilantly hoists Buddy while the others cheer on a recent Freestyle Friday at Buddy’s Cat Cafe.

Buddy after indulging in too much catnip on Freestyle Friday.

Da Ill Collektah, a local underground emcee, rolls catnip blunts for the tabby proprietor so he can fully participate in the levity.

“Oh, that’s good ish!” Buddy said on a recent Friday as he exhaled a nimbus cloud of ‘nip smoke to cheers from the assembled hip hop heads.

“Watch out!” beatsmith Biggity Biggity Bryce exclaimed. “Buddy gonna bless us with a fiyah freestyle!”

Lysander The Lyrical Destroyer, a Brooklyn emcee and longtime “associate” of Buddy, said no other cat cafe could hope to compete.

“Buddy’s cafe got the freshest jams, the livest atmosphere, and the bang bang boogie don’t stop the boogie,” he noted. “But most of all, it’s got Buddy.”

Dear Buddy: Why Should Us Cats Stay Indoors?

Buddy claims he’s a tiguar, not a domestic cat, and says allowing him outside is tantamount to Queen Daenerys allowing her dragons to roam the countryside in Game of Thrones.

Dear Buddy,

Dude. Everyone’s getting so uptight lately about making sure we stay inside. We’re predators! We should be running our neighborhoods, but no, our humans want to “protect” us.

As a famously fierce and ripped feline, what’s your take?

Frustrated in Fallbsurg

Dear Frustrated,

I empathize with you, I really do, but the way it was explained to me is that I’m a terrifying cat with huge meowscles, and by keeping me indoors, my human is protecting dogs, humans and other lower life forms from my potential wrath.

“Do they let tigers and jaguars run around New York?” Big Buddy asked me.

“Uh, no, I guess they don’t,” I said.

“Of course not. And that’s exactly why we can’t have you roaming the neighborhood. Think of the quandary Daenerys Targaryen had in Game of Thrones when her dragons were feasting on livestock from the farms of her subjects!”

And he’s right. A Buddy on the loose would cause all sorts of panic and other problems. I don’t want to be responsible for what happens when a bunch of humans freak out and go recklessly running in every direction, terrified I’m going to catch them.

If it takes sacrifice on my part to keep people comfortable, then I’m willing to endure the hardship of living indoors with a servant who heeds my every beck and call. It’s just the honorable thing to do.

Your friend,
Buddy

Dear Buddy,

Hey, pal! How have you been?

Friendly in Florida

Hey Friendly,

I’ve been handsome, how have you been?

Buddy

Dear Buddy,

You’re not a tiger! Or a jaguar! You’re a chubby, sedentary, spoiled house cat with an enabler of a human who encourages your delusions of being a powerful big cat!

Just stop already, it’s embarrassing!

Cringing In Connecticut

Dear Cringing,

First of all, I am a tiger/jaguar, or a tiguar if you will. I just haven’t hit my growth spurt yet. My human assures me it’s gonna happen.

I also asked my human if it’s true that he’s “an enabler” who encourages my supposed delusions. His response: “That’s absurd. Who’s a big, bad cat? You are, aren’t you? Yes, you are!”

So obviously you’re a hater and soon you’ll see me prowling the jungle with David Attenborough talking about how dangerous I am! Just wait!

Buddy the Badass

Critics Heap Praise On PITB, The Web’s Greatest Cat Blog

Entering its sixth year as the most incredibly awesome cat blog in the universe, PITB continues to chronicle the amazing adventures of Buddy the Cat.

It looks like 2025 is shaping up to be quite a year!

Flow won an Oscar, the Yankees are primed for mediocrity, this is the year Nostradamus predicted we’d get those awesome hoverboards from Back To The Future, and PITB will turn six years old in the summer!

Can you believe it? Six years of thrilling millions of readers with stories of Buddy’s incredible adventures, covering the most important cat news and setting all the hot new trends in the cat world!

buddy_gentlemanlogo — LITTLEBUDDYTHECAT.COM: The elegant choice for discerning cat lovers.

Critics have lavished praise on PITB:

“You won’t find two more reprehensible characters. The ill-mannered cat who’s always hatching ludicrous schemes and the human who glorifies him. They don’t have two neurons to rub together between them.” – WIRED

“Incredible! Buddy the Cat is the most dashing, dapper and daring feline on the planet, and his fans are fortunate to read about his thrilling exploits!” – Buddy Monthly (starred review)

“Two of the worst representatives of their respective species. Fate smiled cruelly upon the world when these two joined forces. Thankfully their epic incompetence prevents them from taking over.” – The Guardian

“A titan of the feline world and his human sidekick, the Buddies join forces — and combine their considerable mental resources — for the betterment of feline- and mankind. Is there anything Buddy can’t do? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way.” – The Buddy Review of Awesome Felines

“A chubby house cat who thinks he’s a tiger and a human whose writerly ambitions far exceed his talents. Both live in a fantasy world that puts them one harebrained scheme from fame and fortune. If PITB had a print edition we’d recommend it as a birdcage liner.” – The New York Times

“Buddy is an 80s action hero in furry form, a one-cat army whose skill in martial arts is matched only by his razor-sharp wit. We feel privileged to read about his many adventures.” – The Buddinese Shinbun

“The blog works mostly as a celebration of a delusional cat’s ego.” – Associated Press

“Astonishing! With clever and awe-inspiringly beautiful prose, Big Buddy is like a bard expanding the legend of our furry little hero with every post. It’s no wonder Taylor Swift’s cat loves Buddy the Cat so much and wants to share her vast fortune with him.” – El Magnifico Buddenisto

“Buddy the Cat is a legend in his own mind, where his chubby frame becomes ‘meowscle’ and his half-baked plots become ‘genius.’ In that depraved little mind exists a world where kittens plaster his posters on their walls, female cats fight for his affections, and humans argue over who should have the privilege of serving him. Somehow, both cat and human labor under the misconception that what they’re doing is ‘humor,’ but they’re both morons.” – Newsweek

“Like the contents of a particularly foul litter box upended and assembled into crude approximations of words.” – Pitchfork

“Compulsively readable and addicting, like Michael Crichton on crack. Come to think of it, why isn’t there an amusement park based on Buddy and his legend? That’s a billion-dollar idea!”- The Daily Buddy

“Shunned by tigers, nearly murdered by lions, chased out of the White House by thousands of angry Americats and laughed at by rodents. Buddy’s track record is one of infamy and failure, and he’s not cute enough to make up for it. Avoid this blog like the COVID ward of your local hospital.” – The Economist

“So handsome, so kawaii! Budditsu-chan is dreamy!” – CrunchyRoll

“Immature, asinine and frankly offensive, [PITB] chronicles the ‘adventures’ of its titular feline, a delusional lunatic who harbors a single-minded obsession with turkey. When they’re not eating paste or laughing at their own poop jokes, the Buddies are probably smoking catnip, for only drug-addled idiots will find their ‘humor’ amusing.” – GQ