snacks – Pain In The Bud

10 Ways To Celebrate International Cat Day, According To Buddy The Cat

It’s International Cat Day, which means you should totally do awesome stuff for your cat.

Hello there, PITB readers! I have taken over the blog from my inept human on this most auspicious of days, International Cat Day, to offer some great suggestions on how to honor your feline overlord!

Let’s get right into it, shall we?

10) Human snacks: Let’s be serious here for a moment. I’m sick of getting the same old crunchy treats, meaty sticks, soft Buddy Biscuits, Churus and party mix. I want cheese! I want filet mignon! I want roast turkey! I want a cheeseburger! Day after day we have to sit here, our mouths watering as you humans stuff your faces with all sorts of food we would love to eat. Well, today’s the day. Start cookin’, servants!

closeup of delicious double patty cheeseburger — Yes! More cheese, hold the lettuce and tomatoes. Credit: Juan Santos/Pexels

9) Roombas. That’s right. It’s 2024 and I still don’t have a Roomba. I’m very angry about that. When do I get my mighty steed? Let it be today!

8) Catnip and silvervine. Sure, we get these on other days, but this day absolutely must not go by without you giving us at least a few doses of the good stuff. Hurry up! I need to get my fix!

7) Sweet cat drip that shows you’re owned by a cat. My Big Buddy just got two t-shirts. One shows a roaring jaguar with the word “Savage,” because I am savage, and the other is a kitty samurai with a cool sword. Aside from the fact that this is premium drip, everyone will know that you answer to a fluffy, benevolent overlord back home. That’s what’s important.

6) A throne. I’ve wanted a throne since I was a kitten. It doesn’t need to be an Iron Throne with the melted swords of everyone I’ve conquered, a la Game of Thrones. It can be something humble, made of gilded metal, velvet cushions and maybe a lion crest or cool tiger heads on the paw rests. I’m not picky as long as it looks awesome. What’s important is the symbolism and comfort.

5) Hire a mariachi band to parade through the streets hoisting an image of your cat, performing songs in your feline overlord’s honor. This is another humble offering that says “I serve a cat, and I’m proud of it!” When people ask what the hell is going on, hand them Cuban cigars and say “We are celebrating el jefe!” They’ll know who you mean.

4) Hire a portraitist to paint your kitty. Again, it doesn’t have to be extravagant. As a humble cat, I don’t mind being portrayed as a naval commodore, a king, a great warrior of world renown, or a massive tiger. The important thing is that it looks cool and you hang the picture above the couch in the living room. Get on it, human.

3) Massages. Schedule them throughout the day, sprinkling them around naps and meal times. Do you know how satisfying it is to enjoy a nice massage after Food O’Clock? I like to have my chin rubbed and the top of my head scratched while being told what a good, handsome, awesome, amazing, handsome, meowscular feline I am.

2) Toys. Not just for Christmas, you know. In fact, go ahead and consider this Kitty Christmas In Summer. Wand toys, track toys, new boxes, those little plastic ring things from milk gallon containers, stuffed animals that we can hunt and murder like the apex predators we are. You don’t have to wrap them, just bend the knee and present them as tribute. You’ll have our thanks, and our favor.

1)Hang out with us! It really is that simple. The most important thing you can do on International Cat Day is spend time with your cat! Many of the above suggestions fall under this category, including playing with us, giving us massages and reading epic poems you’ve composed about us. Personally I like settling down to nap on top of my Big Buddy after a massage. There’s something about having my chin scratched that makes me start yawning, and there’s no better place to nap than on my human, where it’s safe and there’s body heat and he can’t get up to use the bathroom because it would disturb me. That’s love.

I hope these suggestions are helpful! I’ve tried to list really easy, basic, humble stuff, but if you feel like constructing a 426-room cardboard box castle, well, I won’t stop you. In fact, that would be pretty cool. But like I said, the most important thing is that we get to hang out with you. And eat filet mignon.

The First Edition Of Webster’s Dictionary From 1828 Says Cats Are ‘Deceitful’ And ‘Extremely Spiteful’

What would the Dictionary Man think of a modern American society dominated by the power and cuteness of cats?

Cats have taken over the internet, claim a mighty share of the $64 billion Americans spent on pet food in 2023, and have essentially installed themselves as the leisurely masters of 28 percent of American homes.

But it wasn’t always that way, and a look at the first-ever edition of Webster’s Dictionary reveals a very different attitude toward our furry overlords:

“The domestic cat needs no description. It is a deceitful animal, and when enraged, extremely spiteful. It is kept in houses, chiefly for the purpose of catching rats and mice.”

Wow. Whoever does feline PR should get a raise, because we’ve gone from “We tolerate the imperious little bastards because they’re good at killing rodents” to “Does my little angel want a snack? How about some ‘nip then? Anything for my bestest little pal!” in the span of two centuries.

Buddy to Noah Webster: Bow! — Buddy 1, Noah Webster 0. Naturally.

Noah Webster, whose name is now synonymous with dictionaries, saw the effort to standardize spelling and pronunciation as central to formalizing an American linguistic identity distinct from our mother country. Or, as he put it, “[t]o diffuse an uniformity and purity of language in America” that would not only differentiate our English from England’s, but also unify the states at a time when many people still viewed the idea of a united states with skepticism.

By doing so, he hoped America would avoid the pitfall of dividing itself into regions of nearly mutually unintelligible dialects, a problem that plagues other countries. Consider the fact that India has almost 800 distinct languages and dialects, down from a staggering 1,652 in 1961 as hundreds of local languages died with the last generations of their speakers. Hindu, the country’s most popular language, is spoken only by about 43 percent of the population.

The goal, Webster wrote when he published his dictionary’s first edition, was “to furnish a standard of our vernacular tongue, which we shall not be ashamed to bequeath to three hundred millions of people, who are destined to occupy, and I hope, to adorn the vast territory within our jurisdiction.”

As dictionary.com notes, Webster wrote that passage in 1828 when the US population was just 13 million and vast swaths of what we now consider familiar territory was at the time largely unexplored wilderness.

His prediction of an America of 300 million people came true in 2006. Today there are approximately 335 million of us.

In other words, a hell of a lot has changed since the Connecticut born-and-raised Webster cobbled together a uniquely American system of spelling and pronunciation, so maybe it shouldn’t be a surprise that attitudes toward cats have shifted so dramatically.

Still, we’d love to see the look on Webster’s face if we could bring him forward in time and show him how the “deceitful” and “extremely spiteful” little furballs have come to such prominence in American culture. What would Webster make of the spoiled modern house cat, with her condos, tunnels, toys, harnesses, bowls filled with salmon and duck, and even psychoactive recreational drugs for their enjoyment?

Bow before your feline overlords, Webster!

Editor Cat Says — “We have made some edits, humans. See to it that the next edition includes this new and improved definition, or we shall withhold snuggles.”

Buddy The Cat Offers The World Cuddles: ‘In These Times Of Strife, People Need Hugs’

“I’ve noticed everyone’s super stressed lately,” Buddy said. “People need hugs. I’m fluffy and adorable. It’s the perfect solution.”

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat announced the launch of a new program, Hugs From Buddy, to “help the humans calm down a little bit, because things have gotten crazy.”

The normally mercurial tabby cat, whose concerns are typically limited to his own gastronomical satisfaction with meals and snacks, said he had the idea for Hugs From Buddy after watching the movie Civil War with his human and seeing footage of police and students clashing on college campuses.

“The world is crazy right now,” Buddy told reporters at a press conference in Manhattan. “War in Ukraine, Haiti, Gaza and Syria. People punching strangers on the street for Youtube ‘pranks.’ Protesters and police clashing. People threatening to kill one another, banning books they haven’t even read, Karening each other in the grocery store, brawling on passenger flights. Even dogs, bless those simple-minded beings, seem stressed!”

Buddy the Handsome Cat — Buddy the Cat is offering hugs to anyone who needs them!

Buddy paused to address a bystander who was holding a pepperoni pizza.

“You gonna eat that? Here, give Buddy a slice, I’ll give you a hug,” he said, embracing the young woman before returning to the podium with a slice of pizza.

“Where was I?” he asked, chewing thoughtfully. “Oh! Right. The crazy, stressed out humans.”

He belched, then continued.

“I’m here today to offer myself up as the nation’s emotional support animal. If you’re in need of a hug or a snuggle, well, Little Buddy’s got you covered.”

Then he looked to the reporters, who were seated six or seven rows deep for the press conference.

“Look under your seats!” he said excitedly as the journalists mumbled in surprise, finding small gift-wrapped boxes there. “You, the young lady from CBS News! You get a hug! You, the angry guy from InfoWars! You get a hug! BBC, you get a hug too! You all get hugs!”

The press conference was supplemented with an announcement of a $20 million television ad buy publicizing the Hugs From Buddy program, as well as a new site where the angry and stressed can log on, request a hug from Buddy, and make travel arrangements to bring him to their cities.

Reaction to the announcement was mixed.

A panel on Real Time with Bill Mahar concluded Buddy was sincere, trying to be helpful, and “absolutely adorable.”

But in a statement issued later Friday, catnip cartel Los Gatos International accused the New York feline of “shameless self-promotion, which he will undoubtedly parlay into goodwill for his own catnip empire,” while former Fox News host Tucker Carlson declared Buddy a threat to national security.

“Buddy the Cat is a dangerous tiger in kitten’s clothing,” Carlson declared on his X show as a chyron scrolled below with the headline: “IS BUDDY THE CAT WORKING FOR TERRORISTS?”

Tucker Carlson: Buddy A Bad Guy? — Former Fox News host Tucker Carlson wasn’t convinced of the feline’s supposedly noble intentions.

“You might say Buddy the Cat is a danger to America, softening us up at precisely the time when we need to be tough to fight China, North Korea, Iran, the school board of Boise, Idaho, Taylor Swift, and the WNBA,” Carlson said, pounding a fist on his desk. “Up next, a conversation with Nick Fuentes. But first: Is Buddy the Cat a Chinese operative? Is he an agent of anti-American cat ladies who want us all to be hummus-eating vegans? Why does he ignore the beauty of the Moscow subway system? And is there any truth to the rumor that he’s working with the San-Ti from 3 Body Problem to help them invade Earth? Just asking questions here, folks. Nothing wrong with that.”

Dear Buddy: What Kind Of Workout Can A Feline Do To Look As Meowscular As You?

Buddy didn’t get his ripped body by just laying around doing nothing. He also ate a lot of snacks to meet his protein requirements!

Dear Buddy,

I want to be as ripped and meowscular as you are. What’s your secret, Oh Great One? How do you pack on so much meowscle mass and walk around looking like Thor if Thor were a cat?

Buddy taking a break between reps at the gym.

Buddy flexing powerfully as he readies for another set of bench presses.

Respectfully,

Awestruck in Arlington

Dear Awestruck,

It’s true, I’m pretty ripped. It’s not Photoshop either. Those are 100% real feline meowscles.

I’d say you should set realistic goals for yourself first. Half of it’s genetics, and as you know I’m a Buddinese Tiger. We’re a particularly buff breed of cat.

But if you’re committed and don’t mind rigorous workouts, you can make gains like I have, my friend! They’re the result of a grueling regimen of eating, sleeping and working out.

I break my fast first thing after waking up by screeching at my human for meowscle-building treats, which are high in protein. I usually do a light workout by making a few laps around the house, then it’s time for First Nap so I can solidify my gains and let my body heal.

The rest of the day must run like a precisely tuned machine. It’s absolutely essential that you force yourself to set aside long periods of doing absolutely nothing in order for your muscles to heal and grow.

For example, after Third Snack I like to work my abdominal muscles by having my human dangle the wand toy above me when I’m laying on my back, allowing me to perform sets of rabbit kicks. When I’m feeling the burn I do another lap, maybe chirp at some birds, and then it’s nap time again to consolidate the gains and replenish my stores of energy.

Another great workout is what I call box jumps, which are exactly what they sound like: jumping in and out of boxes.

After 7th Nap and 10th Snack I’m usually wiped, which is when it’s time for pre-bedtime sleep using my human as a pillow. His body heat helps me burn more calories and fuel meowscle growth.

It’s a daunting regimen, but if you’re committed you can look like a Catdonis just like me!

Your friend,

Buddy the Beefcake

‘Who, Me? I Wasn’t Clawing At The Screen Again, I Swear!’

Buddy is a good boy! Buddy doesn’t scratch the screen!

“Hahaha! You humans are so funny with your overactive imaginations!

Your ears and eyes deceive you, human! I was not trying to scratch the screen door again.

I told you, those tears in the screen are from a chalupacabra! I said ‘Look here, chalupacabra, this is Buddy Territory. You’re not welcome here! Get!’

But you know those chalupacabras, they never listen. Stubborn animals!

My claws are NOT stuck in the screen, okay? I’m just resting my paw. I can get free any time I want, it’s just that I don’t want to right now.”

Forty-six minutes later:

“I’m right here, you know. I see you eating that ice cream sandwich. I see how it is. ‘Snacks for me, but not for thee.’ Well I have news for you, human! I’m going to sit here and stare at you all mean-like until you procure a Buddy snack.

You feel guilty? Good! You’re meant to.”