“No, no, it’s totally okay, hang out in my territory as long as you like! I’m just gonna stay behind these walls and thick glass windows here, don’t mind me…”
It’s safe to say kitty isn’t going outside any time soon.
Since we’ve been debating the merits of indoor vs outdoor cats here on Pain In The Bud, perhaps we’ve stumbled on the easiest way to turn outdoor roamers into indoor cuddlers — just invite a bear to take a sniff around your front lawn and make sure your feline friend has a front row seat.
This cat’s expression says it all the first time he sees a bear:
“Oh my God, look at his face!” kitty’s human whispers before comforting the little guy with some strokes on his furry head to let him know all is well and he isn’t in danger.
I’m pretty sure Buddy wouldn’t last as long as this cat. He’d totally kick the bear’s ass and assert dominion over his territory run and hide under the bed, then meow to me in an hour or two to see if it’s safe to come out.
Cats don’t accept blame, George Carlin once observed. Even when you catch them red-handed.
A few nights ago I was watching the Yankees lose when Buddy jumped on the coffee table, settled into a loaf position and started doing what he does best — knocking things onto the floor.
Usually it’s remote controls, water bottles, my phone. Usually he has the good sense not to knock over glasses with liquid in them, or plates of food. But not always.
Bud turned, looked me in the eye, meowed and proceeded to swipe a tub of wasabi peas (just the like one pictured above) off the table. The package hit the ground and popped open, spilling the peas and their powdered wasabi coating all over the floor.
“They came down in a big spaceship, and they said ‘Buddy, we’re gonna spill your human’s snacks and then blame it on you!’ And I said ‘No, aliens! Not on my watch!’ But they distracted me with turkey…”
Bud looked at me, trilled, then took off, perhaps put off by the scent of the wasabi.
A few seconds later he returned as I was sweeping them up, trilled again, and looked at me like “What happened, dude? Someone knocked over your wasabi peas? That’s terrible!”
If he could speak — you know, besides his incessant trilling and meowing — the conversation would probably go something like this:
“It was you! You did it!”
“No I didn’t.”
“I watched you do it! You made eye contact with me as you casually slapped them off the coffee table!”
“You’re mistaken. Perhaps it was another cat who looks like me.”
“You’re the only cat who lives here!”
“Then it was a chalupacabra.”
“You mean a chupacabra? Those don’t actually exist, you know. Have you ever heard of Occam’s Razor?”
“Aliens, then. Yeah. Probably aliens. I keep trying to tell you, aliens are responsible for those hairballs. Remember the time you found puke in the bed? That was aliens too. I told them ‘Be gone, aliens! You’re not welcome here!’ but they just can’t help themselves….”
As George Carlin said, “Cats don’t accept blame.” Even when they do things right in front of you, apparently.
I was digging through some old files when I found these photos of a young Buddy the Cat:
What a dapper fellow!“Hey, where’s that steak you promised?”
These were taken in my brother’s apartment on the Upper East Side. It was early summer, so Buddy was probably about four months old, give or take.
He spent almost the entire day in the yard where he made friends with Cosmo the Dog and had lots of fun chasing insects, running around and rolling in the grass. He made friends with every human there, of course. Then when he was tired out from all that playing, he had a super special treat: Steak from the BBQ.
I’d love to bring the little guy to more social events and barbecues, but alas, almost all of them involve dogs who are not Cosmo, and I’m not sure how Bud would do with three or four dogs running around, let alone 20+ people. Smaller gatherings sans pups are a better bet.
The apex predator of the household failed to wake up when a mouse invaded his territory, but totally would have taken care of it had he been awake, obviously.
NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat didn’t even lift a paw when a mouse invaded his domicile on Tuesday.
The gray tabby cat, who often brags of his “huge meowscles” and martial prowess, did not stir from his nap and remained asleep for the duration of the encounter, witnesses said.
“He was completely, utterly useless,” his human, Big Buddy, said. “Aren’t cats supposed to be the bane of rodents? Don’t they have super sensitive hearing that can home in on the high frequency squeaks of mice?”
Buddy, who only stirred after the mouse was removed from the premises, stood up and yawned, then asked what all the commotion was about.
“Oh,” he said. “Well that mouse was really lucky I was napping, otherwise I’d do something totally badass.”
As of press time, human concern was centered on acquiring mouse traps at the store, but Buddy insisted that wouldn’t be necessary.
“I will roar and the mouses won’t come near here again,” he said, bellowing in his Elmo-like voice. “There. Problem solved.”
Update: In honor of Buddy’s glorious and momentous victory, we’ve created the following artwork:
Most tomcats aren’t interested in their offspring, but some are excellent and devoted fathers. This little guy has apparently fallen in love with his kiddos.
A cat has been hailed as a better father than many humans after his people uploaded a video of the proud father holding paws with his “baby mama” while she nurses their kittens.
Momma cat went into labor and the chivalrous tomcat “was with her the whole way,” user Anaya wrote in the caption. The short video pans over the top of a cardboard box where the happy couple lounge protectively around their babies.
“That’s very sweet, assuming of course you’re the type of male cat who wants to settle down and raise a family,” he said. “But some of us are so popular with the ladies that it would be a crime to remove ourselves from the field, so to speak. Did you know my tour bus was once overturned by thousands of screaming school girls in Japan? Yeah. I mean, no big deal.”
It’s been confirmed Buddy does not know he’s neutered. When his human tried to carefully broach the subject, the silver tabby declared it “fake news” before checking his toy basket to confirm that he does indeed still possess all of his balls.
“You can’t fool me,” Buddy said afterward. “When it’s time to settle down and I find the right kitty, we’ll make lots of beautiful kittens and grant awesome names to my issue, at which time I’ll name a successor. You know I’m an earl in the UK, don’t you? Yeah. Queen Elizabeth herself created my peerage. No big deal.”
Above: Buddy says it would be unfair to female cats across the world if he were to settle down and take himself off the dating market.
Pain In The Bud 