NEW YORK — Citing a recent article about the possibility of humans infecting their pet cats with Coronavirus, Buddy the Cat took the extraordinary step of quarantining his human, sources said.
The tabby cat, who is normally infamous for his deep loathing of barriers, had constructed an elaborate series of intra-apartmental checkpoints and procedures designed to keep him separate from his human, Big Buddy.
Under the new procedures, Big Buddy was banned from his own bedroom and had his snuggling privileges revoked.
“I just can’t take the chance, especially not with this Omicron variant infecting everyone,” Buddy said of his decision. “It’s not just about getting sick. Did you know sometimes COVID destroys your sense of taste and smell? It’s true! What life is worth living if you can’t taste every delicious morsel of turkey, if you can’t savor the aroma of dirty socks?”
As of Friday, the cautious cat had placed ads on Craigslist and other local sites.
“Seeking Temporary Servant,” the ad reads. “Must serve my meals, clean my poops, feed me snacks, allow me to sleep on you, and give me massages while telling me what a good boy I am. Applicants must agree I am a very handsome cat, and you will be expected to write a short essay about why you’re excited to serve me. THIS IS NOT AN ENTRY LEVEL POSITION. Experienced cat servants only!!!”
The new quarantine measures mark the second time Buddy has taken drastic action in response to fears about COVID. The silver tabby constructed an air tight, clinically sealed dome around his food and water bowls in November after three snow leopards at a Nebraska zoo fell ill and died from the virus.
A second, larger dome meant to encapsulate
his human’s his bed was under construction when Buddy was convinced to delay his plans for the holidays in order to spend time with friends and family. Now construction on the bubble has resumed.
Pharmacy techs at CVS refused to vaccinate the domestic shorthair after he showed up for an appointment in early January. A spokesman for the pharmacy chain said the vaccines were not FDA approved for cats, and Buddy isn’t as smart as he thinks he is.
Meanwhile, efforts to get Big Buddy to secure a dose for Buddy have been fruitless.
“I’m not asking much,” Buddy said. “All I want him to do is steal a vaccine from a highly secure area, educate himself on how to inject me, calculate an appropriate dose for my species and body weight, and give me the jab. How hard is that?”