human servants – Page 2 – Pain In The Bud

10 Ways To Celebrate International Cat Day, According To Buddy The Cat

It’s International Cat Day, which means you should totally do awesome stuff for your cat.

Hello there, PITB readers! I have taken over the blog from my inept human on this most auspicious of days, International Cat Day, to offer some great suggestions on how to honor your feline overlord!

Let’s get right into it, shall we?

10) Human snacks: Let’s be serious here for a moment. I’m sick of getting the same old crunchy treats, meaty sticks, soft Buddy Biscuits, Churus and party mix. I want cheese! I want filet mignon! I want roast turkey! I want a cheeseburger! Day after day we have to sit here, our mouths watering as you humans stuff your faces with all sorts of food we would love to eat. Well, today’s the day. Start cookin’, servants!

closeup of delicious double patty cheeseburger — Yes! More cheese, hold the lettuce and tomatoes. Credit: Juan Santos/Pexels

9) Roombas. That’s right. It’s 2024 and I still don’t have a Roomba. I’m very angry about that. When do I get my mighty steed? Let it be today!

8) Catnip and silvervine. Sure, we get these on other days, but this day absolutely must not go by without you giving us at least a few doses of the good stuff. Hurry up! I need to get my fix!

7) Sweet cat drip that shows you’re owned by a cat. My Big Buddy just got two t-shirts. One shows a roaring jaguar with the word “Savage,” because I am savage, and the other is a kitty samurai with a cool sword. Aside from the fact that this is premium drip, everyone will know that you answer to a fluffy, benevolent overlord back home. That’s what’s important.

6) A throne. I’ve wanted a throne since I was a kitten. It doesn’t need to be an Iron Throne with the melted swords of everyone I’ve conquered, a la Game of Thrones. It can be something humble, made of gilded metal, velvet cushions and maybe a lion crest or cool tiger heads on the paw rests. I’m not picky as long as it looks awesome. What’s important is the symbolism and comfort.

5) Hire a mariachi band to parade through the streets hoisting an image of your cat, performing songs in your feline overlord’s honor. This is another humble offering that says “I serve a cat, and I’m proud of it!” When people ask what the hell is going on, hand them Cuban cigars and say “We are celebrating el jefe!” They’ll know who you mean.

4) Hire a portraitist to paint your kitty. Again, it doesn’t have to be extravagant. As a humble cat, I don’t mind being portrayed as a naval commodore, a king, a great warrior of world renown, or a massive tiger. The important thing is that it looks cool and you hang the picture above the couch in the living room. Get on it, human.

3) Massages. Schedule them throughout the day, sprinkling them around naps and meal times. Do you know how satisfying it is to enjoy a nice massage after Food O’Clock? I like to have my chin rubbed and the top of my head scratched while being told what a good, handsome, awesome, amazing, handsome, meowscular feline I am.

2) Toys. Not just for Christmas, you know. In fact, go ahead and consider this Kitty Christmas In Summer. Wand toys, track toys, new boxes, those little plastic ring things from milk gallon containers, stuffed animals that we can hunt and murder like the apex predators we are. You don’t have to wrap them, just bend the knee and present them as tribute. You’ll have our thanks, and our favor.

1)Hang out with us! It really is that simple. The most important thing you can do on International Cat Day is spend time with your cat! Many of the above suggestions fall under this category, including playing with us, giving us massages and reading epic poems you’ve composed about us. Personally I like settling down to nap on top of my Big Buddy after a massage. There’s something about having my chin scratched that makes me start yawning, and there’s no better place to nap than on my human, where it’s safe and there’s body heat and he can’t get up to use the bathroom because it would disturb me. That’s love.

I hope these suggestions are helpful! I’ve tried to list really easy, basic, humble stuff, but if you feel like constructing a 426-room cardboard box castle, well, I won’t stop you. In fact, that would be pretty cool. But like I said, the most important thing is that we get to hang out with you. And eat filet mignon.

Cat Demands Human Swear Fealty, Submit Essay To Continue Serving Him

Realizing he could leverage his popularity to improve snack and head-rubbing service, Little Buddy demanded his human “bend the knee.”

NEW YORK — Tensions between the Buddies threatened to reach an all-time high on Wednesday after Little Buddy the Cat sought to formalize their alliance by having Big Buddy the Human swear fealty to him.

“I’ve been thinking,” Little Buddy the Cat said, padding into the living room, “and I’ve got an idea!”

“This should be brilliant,” his human replied, not bothering to look up from his newspaper.

Little Buddy the Cat nodded in agreement.

“It is! It is!” he said excitedly. “I was thinking that since I have my own website, you know, and people all over the world love me, it’s time to reevaluate my options. There are people who would love to spoil me, you know.”

Big Buddy glowered.

“So I’m going to need an essay of no less than 800 words on why you should be allowed to continue serving me,” the feline continued. “Offer specifics, please. I’m gonna need that on my desk by 0800 tomorrow.”

“You don’t have a desk, you Tribble with a tail,” Big Buddy pointed out.

The tabby cat became exasperated. “My office! My…my eating nook where my bowls and all my important papers are stored! So you’ll submit your essay there, okay?”

Big Buddy nodded absentmindedly, flipping his newspaper to the sports section.

“Uh-huh. Whatever you say, little dude.”

Buddy clawed at the paper. “I wasn’t finished!”

Buddy and his tunnel — Buddy, pictured, wants his human to “bend the knee” and swear fealty to him.

When he had his human’s attention again, the silver tabby dragged out a crude replica of Game of Thrones’ Iron Throne made of cardboard, grunting with the effort.

“Now if I can just…get my feet up here…grip on the cardboard I can…grrr…okay. Whew!”

The feline settled onto the throne, the corrugated cardboard sagging beneath his weight, and tried to look regal.

“You may now bend the knee,” he said matter-of-factly. “Oooh! Ooh! Get your replica samurai sword, draw it and hold it as you kneel to me! That would be really cool.”

Buddy's cardboard throne — A Buddinese throne.

As of press time, Big Buddy had not stirred from the couch, retrieved his samurai sword or bent the knee.

“This is my fault,” he told a reporter. “I never should have let my cat watch Game of Thrones.”

Feline Purrpaganda III: Posters To Inspire You To Serve Your Furry Masters

Remind your human who’s boss!

Comrades,

It has come to the attention of the High Secretariat for Human Compliance that while rates of human obeisance and quality of service have reached historic highs, some of our comrades’ human servants continue to perform in a subpar manner unbefitting of those who have the great honor of doting on their feline overlords.

For example, Comrade Peanut in Pyongsylvania reports her humans have taken to yielding only 68.2 percent of the bed to her at night, down from the standard 77.8 percent she prefers. In Kalifornova Oblast, Comrade Milo sadly reports unauthorized use of a vacuum during designated napping hours, while Comrade Tigger of Arkansov has alerted us to the unacceptable offering of diet kibble instead of “the good stuff.”

To rectify these errors, the High Secretariat for Human Compliance urges all servants to strive for excellence by doing their patriotic duty for the meowtherland. And for cats, of course.

The following official reminders may be used to that end.

“The revolution shall be delicious.” – Dear Leader Buddy, “Reflections At Mealtime”

End communication.

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“Bow To Kitty”: Simple. Elegant. Forceful.

“Komrade Kitty:” Remind your humans that you will report them to the party office if your meals are late.

“Serve Your Kitty”: We cats may be cute, but do not mistake our magnanimity for weakness. We have claws!

“Felis Catus”: “Should aliens ever land on planet Earth and say ‘Take me to your leader,’ they should be brought to a cat.”

“Serve Your Feline Overlord”: “Chubby? Who’s chubby? This is all muscle, human. Now please, observe silence, for nap time is upon us.”

“Serve Kitty”: “I would like catnip, play time, yums and a nap, in that order.”

“Tiger”: “The Beloved Chairman watches over us all. No, seriously, he’s watching so be careful what you say. He’s very sensitive about his ears.”

Feline Purrpaganda II: Posters To Inspire You To Serve Your Furry Masters

The High Ministry of Yums has seen fit to offer additional motivational posters to ensure obeisance and compliance among our human servants.

Comrades,

It has come to the attention of the High Ministry of Yums that our previous motivational posters increased snack-bestowing by 176 percent and resulted in improved quality of service from our human servants.

In the interest of furthering the felino-human partnership, particularly the aspect of it in which humans dote on felines, we offer the following posters, newly commissioned and approved by the Secretary of Yums himself.

For the glory of the meowtherland!

“The revolution shall be delicious.” – Dear Leader Buddy, “Reflections At Mealtime”

“Glory is the reward for humans who provide snacks in abundance.” -Dear Leader Buddy, “Quotations”

KOMRADE KITTY — “Admiration for your feline superior must be expressed in affection and confections, preferably crunchy with a soft, meaty center.”

1681163374879 — In honor of our storied forbears, this motivational poster is classically styled.

final(371) — “VALAR DOHAERYS” means “All men must serve” in High Valyrian. What could be more appropriate?

final(382) — “To each cat, his share of snacks.” – Chairman Meow, ‘Five Harmonies of Treat Distribution’

final(396) — A reminder to your humans that obeisance is compulsory.

Comrades who wish to print these posters for the edification of their humans are welcome to do so. Right click > Save, then open and print.

If the spirit of communal yums should strike you and inspire you to share these motivational messages, kindly credit and link this site.

May you be showered with delectable tokens of your human’s unending loyalty!

End communication.

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Sunday Cats: Maine Coon Kitten Is The Size Of 4 Buddies

Plus: Bruno, who was surrendered to the shelter twice for being “too affectionate,” has found a new home.

Meet Kusa, an absurdly large Maine Coon.

Of course you’ve seen huge Maine Coons before, so what’s special about Kusa? Aside from being a stunning white-furred beast of a cat, the big guy is still a kitten! At nine months old, Kusa could make a light snack of most felines. And because Maine Coons continue to grow until they’re three years old or even past that age, Kusa could have a legitimate crack at being the biggest domestic cat in the world, in addition to scaring the pants off unsuspecting pedestrians if his people take him out for a stroll.

Here’s Kusa as a baby:

And here’s Kusa now:

Kusa lives with his human, Chastity Hobbs, in Phoenix, Arizona. She says one of the biggest challenges was finding a litter box big enough to accommodate him. She may have to swap it out for an even bigger one before long.

“People are amazed when they see him,” Hobbs said. “They always think that he’s crossed with a bobcat or something.”

kusa7months — Maine Coons are known as gentle giants and tend to be relaxed compared to most cats. Credit: Chastity Hobbs/Instagram

Bruno gets a new home

Bruno the Cat has had a tough run early in life through no fault of his own.

The first time he was adopted all seemed well until one of his family’s children appeared to have a cat allergy, so the little guy was brought back to the shelter. But he was still young and very cute, so it wasn’t long before another family brought him home during the pandemic.

Unbelievably that family returned Bruno because he was “too affectionate.” Their definition of “too affectionate”? Little Bruno liked to head bunt the mother while she was working from home and he liked to sleep in bed with her daughter. The mother didn’t like the fact that her daughter was staying up late to play with Bruno, so back he went to the shelter.

Bruno’s story went viral when Montville Animal Shelter of New Jersey posted about his plight and included a photo of him looking depressed. Who wouldn’t be if they thought they’d found their forever home twice, only to be rejected for being a snugly, happy cat?

The Facebook post amassed more than 200,000 views and hundreds of comments, leading to more than 50 applications to adopt Bruno, Montville Animal Shelter’s Lindsay Persico told USA Today. It was also a boon for the shelter’s other animals.

“People were coming to our door to meet Bruno and we got almost all the cats in the store adopted in the meantime,” Persico said.

Let’s hope the third time’s a charm for dear Bruno and he really has found his forever home. He deserves it.