Dissatisfied with the limited variety of flavors and textures in his regular meal rotation, Buddy the Cat unveiled a sweeping new sanctions package designed to force his human to do better.
NEW YORK — Angry over his servant’s failure to broaden his selection of regular meals, Buddy the Cat announced new sanctions on Saturday aimed at forcing the uncooperative human to comply.
“President Buddy feels he’s been patient and magnanimous in dealing with his human’s shortcomings, but even a saint’s patience has limits,” Buddy’s spokesman told reporters. “This new sanctions package clearly communicates President Buddy’s disappointment and ensures swift compliance.”
The sanctions include prohibitive measures against sleep duration and quality, with Buddy promising to yowl at regular intervals and to wake his human by slapping him in the face every morning.
In addition, affection will be cut by 50 percent, increasing to 75 percent within two weeks if there is no improvement in the variety of flavors and textures of wet food served to Buddy.
“Buddy has made it clear that he expects more than a simple rotation of turkey, chicken and salmon pate,” the feline’s spokesman said. “He wants chunky tuna, he wants beef, he wants shredded duck served in gravy.”
President Buddy had threatened to pull his ambassadors and enact legislation declaring all shoes, sneakers and boots as legal litter boxes if the cheese sharing protocol was not observed. Credit: Wikimedia Commons
The latest round of sanctions follows the Buddesian Diplomatic Crisis of 2023, when Buddy threatened to begin using his Big Buddy’s shoes, boots and sneakers as litter boxes in retaliation for the latter failing to “equitably share cheese as per article IV, sub-clause C of the gastronomic distribution protocol.”
All-out war was avoided when both parties agreed that Little Buddy’s share of Gouda, American, provolone and other cheeses, excluding ricotta, feta and mozzarella, would be increased by 15 percent.
Buddy the Cat’s quest for world domination has moved into the realm of music. Listen to the new single here!
NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat made history as the first feline to top the charts in multiple genres this week with the release of “Move Your Ass” by The Buddies.
Listen to it here, but before you do, make room to get funky. (“And use proper headphones or speakers please!” Buddy says. “Don’t do us dirty by playing it through a phone or a laptop. You’ll miss all the bassy goodness that makes it funky!”)
The incredibly funktacular nu-disco track pays homage to the talented feline, who played guitar, bass, keyboards and percussion, while his human assisted him with certain particulars that required an opposable thumb.
“Obviously I could have done this on my own,” Buddy says, “but I like my human to feel like he’s involved in things, you know? Camaraderie and all that. But for future documentaries, ‘Behind the Music’ episodes and other retrospectives, it should be clear I’m the musical genius and the talent. The brains and the brawn, so to speak. Also the beauty. Obviously.”
“Move Your Ass” hit the top of Japan’s pop charts after an early release on Jan. 20 in that country, while it’s dominated the dance music charts in Luxembourg, the Principality of Sealand, Monaco and France. After its Jan. 30 release in the US and UK, it was steadily climbing the charts on Spotify and terrestrial radio.
Asked about his musical influences, Buddy waxed poetic about the funk, disco, French house and nu-disco he grew up listening to.
“From my earliest days of kittenhood, I remember Big Buddy playing Earth, Wind and Fire, Kool and the Gang, McFadden and Whitehead, The Brothers Johnson, Daft Punk, the Galactik Knights and Televisor. I love Televisor! I would dance around and joyfully smack my human on the head, then go hide in his shoes.”
Buddy’s already hard at work on his next single, which he promises “will be just as delicious as this one.”
A 23-second clip of a cat growling and yowling has become one of the most-used sound effects over the past three decades. The Guardian traced the clip back to the man who recorded it and got the full story.
We’ve all heard Cheeta the cat yowling, we just don’t know it.
Cheeta was a house cat who belonged to Wylie Stateman, a sound engineer who lives in LA.
In 1988, Stateman recorded an argument between Cheeta, a “remarkably small” half-Siamese void, and her mate, a tomcat named Sylvester.
The 23-second clip made it onto The Premiere Edition, a 20-CD library of sound effects Stateman produced in 1990.
Stateman, called “one of the great recorders of the time” by a colleague, told The Guardian he brought his sound recorder with him everywhere he went for three decades, recording thousands of sounds that have been used in movies for 35 years.
Buddy is also an accomplished sound effects cat.
Cheeta’s yowls are one of his greatest successes. The cranky cat can be heard in Toy Story, Home Alone 3, Les Miserables, Pet Sematary, 101 Dalmations, Venom: Let There Be Carnage, Babe, End of Days, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, and many more.
Although it’s difficult to get an exact count, it’s believed Cheeta’s distinct voice can be heard in some 330 films over the years. If you’re interested in learning more, check out The Guardian’s deep dive into the sound effect and its origins.
Buddy the Magnanimous
I went to visit my brother and his family in Washington this past week, leaving Buddy in the care of my mom.
Regular readers will recall that Bud has a bad reputation for trying to maul his cat sitters, which obviously complicates things.
The incorrigible little lunatic.
Sue, his regular sitter, has known Bud since he was a kitten. She’s literally one of the first humans he met, yet that has not stopped him from ambushing and attacking her. Incredibly, she still agrees to care for him in my absence despite his belligerence, though she’ll no longer play with him. She feeds him and gets out ASAP. I can’t blame her.
This time my mom cared for the little stinker. He’s also tried to murder her when she’s watched him on previous occasions, including one incident in which his bites and scratches necessitated a trip to urgent care and a round of antibiotics.
So yeah, the happy news is that he didn’t attack her this time, although she told me every time she came back, he’d be waiting right by the door, and when he saw it wasn’t me, he would sniff derisively before turning and padding away.
They have an uneasy truce, but I’ll take it. You know you have small dreams when you celebrate a trip in which your cat doesn’t try to maul anyone in your absence.
On a tangential note, I had a first phone interview with a wild cat conservation organization this week, and for the first time in a long time, Bud didn’t make a peep.
He’s meowed loudly during other phone interviews, he’s put his butt in front of the camera like it’s his job during video calls, and he won’t shut up at any other time, but the one time when having a cat might benefit me, he decides to be silent. Thanks, Bud. You’re the best.
The feline laid waste to entire restaurants and food stalls during his rampage through the city, sending residents running for cover.
NEW YORK — The island of Manhattan was brought to a standstill this week after a massive and menacing wildcat was seen stalking the streets.
The first reports came in Wednesday afternoon after panicked callers told 911 dispatchers a “yuge gray tiger” had barreled into Gray’s Papaya on Broadway and 72nd, gorging itself on the eatery’s famous hot dogs.
Social media posts timestamped an hour later showed clips of the terrifying felid running full speed toward an Atomic Wings, where it tore through the entire inventory of chicken and hamburgers.
“Holy [bleep], that’s not a tiger, that’s a kaiju!” one TikTok user said in a video uploaded to the popular social media site.
The TikToker’s footage showed the gargantuan cat emerge from the Atomic Wings, hot sauce dribbling down the fur on its chin, and belch with such force that car alarms began shrieking in a three-block radius.
“We’re receiving reports that the colossal cat’s name is Buddy, and he escaped earlier Wednesday from an apartment where some lunatic was illegally keeping him as a pet,” Fox News’ Brett Baier told viewers. “A law enforcement source says the man has been taken into custody as a person of interest, and will likely face charges of harboring a dangerous wild animal.”
Detectives were seen escorting the cuffed man, who screamed incoherently that Buddy is allegedly “just a house cat.”
“He invented a laser that increased his size 70 fold!” the deranged man shouted as news cameras followed the detectives from the squad car. “He’s a wimp! Rustle a paper bag! Bring out a vacuum! You’ll see!”
New York Mayor Eric Adams dismissed the man’s claims as “the rantings of a clearly insane person,” and assured residents that the so-called Buddinese tiger would be “swiftly caught and dealt with by the brave men and women of the NYPD.”
“You’ll be able to make your dinner reservations, folks,” Adams said as an interpreter translated his words into American sign language behind him. “In the meantime, keep your doors and windows locked, and don’t cook anything pungent. This is a hungry beast who has eaten his way through dozens of restaurants.”
Police had set up a trap in midtown, with more than 900 pounds of roast turkey and baseball-size Temptations to lure the rampaging tiger.
The ill-fated turkey trap.
But the plan went horribly wrong on Thursday evening when the tiger approached.
“This beast is truly gargantuan!” ABC reporter Stephan Kim whispered during a live broadcast. “Each footfall seems to shake the earth. Look! The concrete is cracking and spidering beneath his paws as if it were brittle ice!”
The Buddinese Tiger stopped, sniffed, then launched himself at the pile of turkey, not even registering the tranquilizer darts fired by NYPD snipers stationed on top of nearby buildings until one hit him in the buttock.
The vicious cat roared and looked as if he would take down the building where the offending officer stood until he was distracted by the smell of Peruvian food wafting from a nearby Pio Pio.
“Arroz chaufa!” the tiger yelled, turning his enormous frame and stomping off into the distance.
City leaders admitted they’d underestimated the threat and had officially requested the National Guard, which was being mobilized late Thursday evening.
But an NYPD detective, speaking on condition of anonymity, said authorities were beginning to reconsider the claim that the rampaging animal could be a house cat.
“One of our officers called him a ‘good boy’ in a last, desperate attempt to save his own life when he was cornered by the beast,” the detective said. “To his surprise, the tiger pounced on him, licked his face, then went on his way, repeating ‘I’m a good boy!’ Maybe there’s some truth to this claim about the size-increasing laser.”
Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene of Georgia siezed on the story, posting a message on X claiming credit for “warnin’ ya’ll about these space lasers.”
“One of these lasers has turned a cuddly little house cat into a terrifying tiger,” Greene wrote. “So who’s a conspiracy theorist now?”
Health authorities said thousands of female cats around the world fainted when they heard the news that Buddy the Cat is launching his very own OnlyFans.
After resisting calls from his admirers for years, Buddy the Cat has finally joined OnlyFans.
“It’s a dream come true,” said Nala, 5, a Burmese who describes herself as “Buddy’s biggest fan.”
Other felines posted celebratory messages online after the news broke, with most expressing an intent to subscribe to Buddy’s OnlyFans “no matter how much he charges.”
“A dollar a month, ten bucks a month, a hundred bucks a month, it doesn’t matter. It’s worth it,” said Penny, a puma who said she has posters of Buddy in her enclosure at a wildlife sanctuary. “Buddy is the sexiest beast of them all.”
A sizzling snap of Buddy being sizzling for his new OnlyFans site.
Buddy’s new OnlyFans site promises “sizzling snaps of Buddy napping,” “hot photos of him yawning and stretching,” and regular videos of the mercurial tabby being handsome.
“Finally, my fans can get more Buddy without having to read that stupid blog my human writes,” Buddy wrote in his announcement. “It’s full of ridiculous slander, vile lies and claims that I’m wimpy when everyone knows I’m, like, brave and stuff.”
As of Friday, the new site featured a handful of clearly photoshopped images of the gray tabby with bulging muscles as he lifted weights, and a poorly produced video depicting the diminutive feline “ambushing” a stuffed alligator, with the sounds of a jaguar dubbed into the footage.
“Just catching me some lunch!” Buddy captioned the clip. “Us apex predators don’t eat from a can, we hunt our own meals.”
Buddy the Cat poses in a box, striking a handsome pose as he gazes yonder.
There was no sign that questions about the veracity of the images bothered the egotistical feline’s admirers.
“OMG ADORBZ!” commenter princess2017 wrote.
“My handsome little prince!” wrote another poster, LioNeSS, who also added several heart and turkey emojis.
Soon after Buddy’s OnlyFans launch, it was announced that Smudge, his arch-nemesis, signed a deal to create a show about his life for Netflix. Titled “Smudge: New York’s Most Heroic Cat,” the series will “follow Smudge as he fights for truth and justice against the evil Dubby the Cat, a chubby gray tabby with an inflated ego.”
Pain In The Bud 