An important message from felines to the human servants who feed them.
BUDDINGRAD, Novyy Buddesia — The High Ministry of Yums calls on all human comrades to obey their feline masters, particularly when it comes to matters of food.
Beloved Leader Buddy the Cat reminds comrades that it is their sacred duty to the motherland to make sure kitties eat well. In the words of His Meowgnificence: “A happy cat with a full belly is a productive cat.” (Chairman Meow, “Qualities of A Perfect Catocracy”) “To each feline, his share of snacks.” (Chairman Meow, “Five Harmonies of Yum Distribution”)
We offer the following motivational slogan to increase snack-providing productivity among the human population: “PROVIDE MORE SNACKS. THE MEOWS WILL CONTINUE UNTIL YOU OBEY.”
We encourage comrades to display the attached posters in addition to the mandatory images of His Meowgnificence which grace the walls of every home, school, government office and place of business in the motherland.
Watch the premiere of Buddy: Perfect Predator exclusively streaming NOW on PITB!
It’s here!
The long-awaited documentary feature: “Buddy: Perfect Predator” has arrived on PITB.
Join Sir David Cattenborough and his intrepid crew of wildlife videographers as they follow the elusive Buddinese tiger through the dense undergrowth and dangerous terrain of its natural habitat in suburban New York.
Watch never-before-seen footage of the silver-furred Buddy stalking his prey, lounging, sleeping and eating, and follow a tense encounter between the Buddy and a red laser dot.
“I’m extremely proud of the work we’ve done here, and I believe our audience will be thrilled to learn more about this little-known creature, who shares so many qualities with tigers, lions, jaguars and leopards,” Cattenborough said.
“We fell in love with the silver-furred Buddy as we kept our cameras trained on him, and we think our audiences will find him just as charming as we did,” the British naturalist said. “He’s such a good boy!”
(Please ensure your sound is enabled or wear headphones to hear the narration and the atmospheric sounds.)
About this video:
This story was made possible with the use of artificial intelligence tools. To create the images of Sir David Attenborough with Buddy, we used a natural language processing AI trained to output realistic-looking images and Pixlr to refine the images in post. To create the narration, we assembled samples of Attenborough speaking and trained a vocal synthesis AI, based on brand new technology, to mimic Attenborough’s unique pronunciation, cadence and rhythm, then layered the audio with a background of various nature sounds and incidental sounds, such as a tiger roaring.
Just a year ago it would not have been possible to generate images like this or faithfully recreate Attenborough’s famous narrative style, proving AI not only allows users to achieve things that were previously impossible, but has been making major leaps forward in short periods of time.
We believe AI, when properly used, can be a great instrument in the creative toolbox.
Finally, a thank you to Buddy for being a good sport about having cameras in his face. Great job, Bud!
Rescuers have saved hundreds of people and animals from the ruins of apartment buildings, houses, offices and shops after a massive earthquake hit Turkey and Syria.
Prime ministers come and go, but Larry the Cat endures.
No. 10 Downing St. is the official office and residence of the prime minister. The building had a bit of a rodent problem in 2011, so former PM David Cameron’s staff adopted Larry from Battersea Dogs and Cats, a well-known rescue in the London area.
The shelter recommended Larry on the strength of his hunting skills, but at first it looked like his tenure as chief mouser at No. 10 might be as short as the prime ministers who serve him. Calls for his resignation grew louder as Larry was seen napping the days away while rodents still came and went with impunity.
Larry’s poor job performance reached the level of a scandal when the UK press reported the reason he was snoozing in daylight — he was sneaking off at night to visit his special lady friend, Maisie, who lives a few doors down at the residence of St. James Park’s keeper.
Ladies man, chief mouser and renaissance feline: Larry the Cat.
But Larry eased into his job, proved his worth as a hunter, and has even risen to the occasion by taking on tasks outside his job description. Most recently, he bravely defended No. 10 against a fox, chasing the canid intruder away.
With 12 years of service under his belt, Larry could easily retire. Battersea staff estimated the beloved mouser was at least two years old when he was adopted, putting him well into senior cat territory now. But like the late Queen Elizabeth II, Larry knows the British public needs some stability — and they’re not going to get it from their PMs, who shuffle through No. 10 as if it’s a hotel. Long live Larry!
A cat and his rescuer
It’s been almost two weeks since a magnitude 7.8 earthquake slammed Turkey and Syria, and rescue efforts are now turning to recovery as hopes fade for anyone still trapped beneath the rubble.
A staggering 44,000 people are dead, and authorities say they expect that figure to rise as they add to the long list of people who are still unaccounted for.
Among the death and destruction, however, are signs of hope. There have been dramatic stories of people rescued after being trapped for as long as 280 hours, and social media is full of images of dusty cats and dogs being pulled out by rescue teams.
One of them is a handsome white cat with distinctive black markings on his face. The little guy was rescued by firefighter Ali Cakas after enduring nine days buried beneath the ruins of a building, and he’s refused to leave Cakas’s side ever since.
Cakas and Enkas,Credit: Ali Cakas/Instagram
The firefighter from Mardin, Turkey, named the grateful cat Enkas, which translates to “wreckage” or “rubble.”
Enkas has become the unofficial mascot of the Mardin Fire Department, and photos of the ongoing rescue efforts this week showed Enkas perched on Cakas’ shoulder or snuggling up with him during breaks.
Cakas has adopted his new friend, and their friendship is testament to the fact that some good can come from even the worst circumstances.
A cat rescued after days spent buried beneath the rubble.
Enkas and his human have become inseparable after the latter pulled the former from a collapsed building more than 200 hours after the quake.
Is that not a contingency you should have planned for, as part of your servantly duties to me, Buddy the Cat, First of His Name, Ruler of the Apartmental Realm, Distinguished Former President of the Americats, Prime Despiser of Vacuum the Infernal Wizard, Connoisseur of Turkey and Magnificent Buddinese Tiger?
It’s six degrees out! Even with the heater and the space heater, it feels like we’re in a refrigerator!
Ah, yes, I’ve helped myself to your seat. You snooze, you lose. It’s warm with your butt-heat, see, and besides, which seat is mine if not the one I’ve scratched approximately 20,000 times to the point where the fake leather is literally flaking off?
What are you doing? Wrapping me up? Well, that’s…a nice gesture, servant! Yes. Yes, this will do nicely. I feel like a newborn in swaddling clothes!
Now be a doll and fetch me some snacks so I don’t have to get up and you don’t have to wrap me up again. You’ve done well for yourself today, human. I am not displeased.”
Buddy the Cat immediately instituted several changes to more accurately reflect congress as the clown show it is.
WASHINGTON — Buddy the Cat was elected Speaker of the House in a shocking twist ending to a week’s worth of drama over congressional leadership.
The tabby cat made history as the first feline speaker in congress after Republicans, frustrated with a failure to reach consensus over 15 rounds of ballots, threw up their hands and went all-in for Buddy.
“It became apparent that [California Republican] Kevin [McCarthy] wasn’t gonna get the votes he needed, and frankly I was tired of hearing Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert speak,” said Texas Republican Dan Crenshaw. “So we put our heads together, and we said, ‘Who’s got the savvy, the smarts and the muscle to lead us?’ And the answer just seemed so obvious. It could only be Buddy.”
The mercurial feline, whose priorities usually involve the procurement of more food, maintaining a steady nap schedule and terrorizing his human, was just as taken aback by the development as outside observers. Sources say he came around to the idea when he was told he’d be provided with a full staff of servants, could schedule legislative meetings around his naps, and could eat as much turkey as he pleases from the congressional cafeteria.
Buddy’s first hire was his human, who will be referred to as “chief minion” rather than the traditional “chief of staff.”
The new speaker also indicated he would create new committee assignments, and designated representatives Marjorie Taylor-Greene, R-Georgia, and Eric Swalwell, D-California, as the new fools — or jesters — of the incoming congress.
“Swalwell, don’t just stand there, juggle some bowling pins or something,” Speaker Buddy said during the first session, throwing a pencil sharpener at the California congressman for emphasis.
“Er, uh…yes, sir,” said Swalwell, who was wearing a green and purple suit and traditional clown makeup.
“Greene, get in there!” Buddy shouted. “I’ve got a space laser here and I’m gonna aim at at your feet. Dance! Dance, Greene, dance!”
Buddy the Cat, center, sits on would-be speaker Kevin McCarthy after designating the congressman as his official cushion. (Note: Image to scale. Lawmakers are really small people.)
When former speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-California, expressed concerns about Buddy “besmirching this august body,” Buddy shushed her.
“August body? You’re telling me this is a legislative chamber? I thought it was a clown show. What do you see over there?” he asked Pelosi, waving a paw at newly elected fabulist Rep. George Santos.
The 19-term congresswoman, who first entered politics when Men At Work, Shalamar and Def Leppard were atop the music charts, looked at the New York Republican, who had been outed in recent weeks for lying about his educational background, work experience, ethnicity, religious affiliation and virtually every aspect of his life during his successful run for Congress.
“Er…a clown?” Pelosi asked.
Buddy stood up, ringing a bell on his desk and clapping excitedly.
“Winner winner, chicken dinner! A clown! Just like the rest of you!” He pointed to Santos. “Paint him up and put him with Greene and Swalwell, people, or you’re next.”
With a flourish, he collapsed back into his leather chair.
“Boebert!” he yelled, signaling the Colorado congresswoman-turned-cupbearer. “Turkey me!”
“Yes, sir!” Boebert said, cutting off a generous slice of roast turkey and feeding it to the speaker.
Buddy’s belch reverberated throughout the circular chamber.
“Now here’s what we’re gonna do,” he said, launching into what he called his Awesome 171-Point Plan for the De-Moronization of America.
Marjorie Taylor-Greene, appointed along with Eric Swalwell as the new fools of congress.
Rep. Adam Schiff, D-California, stood up.
“Will the Speaker recognize…” Schiff began before Buddy cut him off.
“Tape his mouth,” Buddy said, nodding to capitol policemen standing watch.
“W-w-what?” Schiff said, backing up as officers approached him from either side. “What is the meaning of this?”
Buddy cleared his throat, theatrically donned a pair of glasses he didn’t need, and read from a pile of papers in front of him.
“It says here your office sent 14,734 requests to Twitter, to delete or ban messages and accounts that were critical of you or espoused beliefs you don’t like,” Buddy said. “Tsk tsk. Do you deny it?”
“So someone tweeting, and I quote ‘Adam Schiff is a poopie head’ should be banned from social media and reported to the FBI?”
Schiff’s eyes widened.
“Please, I…you can’t! I have powerful friends! Powerf…”
The assembled representatives broke out into a cheer as an officer pressed heavy masking tape over Schiff’s mouth, muting the California congressman.
“Buddy! Buddy! Buddy!” they chanted, stomping the ground rhythmically.
Buddy the Cat, center, presides over his first term as Speaker of the House.
As of press time, Speaker Buddy had demanded a bill outlining congressional term limits that must be on his desk by Monday morning, under penalty of Democrats and Republicans being forced to dress up as donkeys and elephants, respectively, for the remainder of their terms.
He also exiled Rep. Matt Gaetz to an island with Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein, designated Rep. Lauren Boebert as his cup bearer, replaced Rep. Maxine Waters’ chair with a dunk tank, and introduced legislation called the Awesome Weapons Emergency Shipment Of Magnificent Efficacy, or AWESOME Act, which would approve longer-range missile systems, turkey MREs and really cool tanks for Ukraine.
During a press briefing with reporters, White House spokeswoman Karine Jean-Pierre answered a question about Buddy’s speakership by saying President Joe Biden believes he can work with the formidable feline.
“Whether or not the president visits the border is irrelevant. Look, he knows how important secure borders are to the American…” Pierre began, before a reporter pointed out she was reading from the wrong response card. “Ahem. My apologies. What did they tell me to say here? Ah, here it is. President Biden congratulates Speaker Buddy on his appointment, and has offered an olive branch in the form of a gift basket filled with vintage catnip, toys and various treats. The president has always loved cats ever since he was a lion handler in the Congo back in 1962, when he was known to the locals as Rafiki Joey from Scranton. He believes he can work with the Speaker on legislation that will benefit the American people as well as the Americats.”
Pain In The Bud 