opinion – Pain In The Bud

Point-Counterpoint: ‘I Am An Apex Predator!’ Vs ‘OMG, What Was That Noise?!? Go Check It Out, Human!’

Buddy the Cat asserts he is a powerful apex predator who fears no man or beast, while Buddy the Cat runs and hides the moment there’s an unfamiliar sound in his domicile.

I Am An Apex Predator!

Behold! I have the gait of a lion, the bite force of a tiger, the stealth of a jaguar, and the relentlessness of a leopard!

My meowscles ripple meowscularly as I stalk my prey by moonlight! One second all looks safe and calm, and the next I’m leaping from cover in a burst of feline power to ambush my unfortunate prey!

Lesser creatures have nightmares about me. Indigenous cultures celebrate my legend in oral traditions. Craftsmen carve bas reliefs illustrating my mastery over all beasts. Shamans invoke my speed and strength. My toys quake at the mere mention of my name!

I am Buddy, and I am a ferocious cat! RAWRRR!!!

‘OMG, What Was That Noise?!? Go Check It Out, Human!’

Holy crap, dude! What the heck was that?

I’m just gonna run and hide under the bed while you investigate that awful, terrifying noise! No, YOU check it out. Are you crazy? I’m not going anywhere near there! What if it’s, like, a serial killer or a chalupacabra?

Where’s it coming from? The kitchen? The bathroom? Oh God! I told you, there are monsters living in the toilet and they can emerge at any second to murder us in our naps! We should have nailed the toilet seat down years ago! You didn’t listen to me, so you’re gonna have to fend off the monsters while I lend you moral support from three rooms away.

What? Duuuude.

Was it really your smartphone alarm on vibrate? Whew! For a moment there, I thought we were in trouble.

Now I’m gonna need you to rub my head while I sit in your lap and you tell me what a good, brave boy I am. If it really had been monsters, they would have gotten their butts kicked by me. I was brave, wasn’t I?

If you slander me by claiming I freaked out and ran to hide under the bed, I will be forced to accuse you of peddling fake news!

Point-Counterpoint presents two essays taking opposing positions on a topic. Join us again next week, when Buddy the Cat will debate Buddy the Cat on another important topic.

Point-Counterpoint: ‘Sheesh, Doesn’t Anyone Teach You About Personal Space?’ Vs ‘I Can’t Sleep Unless I’m Draped Over You’

Buddy the Cat says humans must learn to respect personal space, while Buddy the Cat argues it’s perfectly reasonable to sleep on his human’s face.

Doesn’t Anyone Teach You About Personal Space?

All right, dude, enough! Damn!

You were doing a good job there for a little bit but by the 4th second you should have known it was time to cease scratching my head.

Do humans not teach their offspring about personal space or something? I am a cat, not a stuffed animal!

From now on there will be an automatic three-second cutoff during petting sessions, and I will enforce a two-foot buffer zone so my space is respected. You leave me no choice!

I Can’t Sleep Unless I’m Draped Over You

Are you settled? Comfortable? Ready to go to sleep?

Good.

I’m just gonna climb up here and sort of just unroll myself across your body. It’s the only way I can fall asleep these days.

I think part of it is the gentle rhythm of your breathing, your chest rising and falling, that really relaxes me, although that little current of air when you exhale is annoying. Try to breathe less annoyingly, okay?

If you wake up during the night and I’m wrapped around your head like a hat, do not be alarmed. Your hair is soft and your brain generates heat. This is prime real estate.

Likewise, there may be times when I walk on your face, lick your nose, groom your beard, or jump on you with a back paw landing right where the sun don’t shine. As you fold up like an accordion in shock, and blink in the dark with your 20/800 uncorrected vision, remind yourself that it’s just your best little pal trying to get comfortable.

Mi casa es su casa, eh? I’m your feline friend! Your best bud! Now if you don’t mind, stop tossing and turning so I can get my beauty sleep. Thank you for your anticipated cooperation.

Cat On The Street: What Do You Think About Humans Translating Your Meows?

We asked cats what they think about MeowTalk, an app designed to translate their meows to human language.

MeowTalk, an iOS/Android app that aims to translate your meows using a machine learning algorithm, is getting a new publicity push after a recent update. The app has proven particularly popular in Japan, a nation of cat lovers.

What do you think about MeowTalk?

“You’re telling me there’s a good chance my human understood me calling her a dim-witted biped who’s stingy with snacks?” – Midnight, 7, office supervisor

“Finally, a device that can translate all my loving utterances at 5 a.m. when my bowl’s empty!” – Cleo, 5, cushion tester

“If an app is translating our meows, then why do our humans still stink at giving us massages?” – Andre, 2, faucet operator

“You know what this means, don’t you? If my humans overheard me discussing plans for the feline takeover of Earth, I’m going to have to smother them in their sleep.” – Dragorth the Destroyer, 4, generalissimo

“Sometimes I like to meow in gibberish just to mess with the humans. LOL! Wait, how can this app translate Japanese meows AND American meows?” – Zelda, 3, princess

“CHECK IT OUT, THERE’S A KITTEN WHO LOOKS JUST LIKE ME BEHIND THE GLASS! HEY, STOP IMITATING ME! STOP THAT! IT’S REALLY ANNOYING! HEY!” – Christian, 3 months, archaeologist kitten

Cat On The Street: What Do You Think About Humans Identifying As Felines?

Cats from all walks of life react to news that humans want to join the species.

There have been several controversial stories lately about humans who identify as cats, or want to become cats. Most of them are hoaxes, but you can’t put things past crazy humans. We asked actual cats what they think about the idea.

What do you think?

“Does this mean they’re not going to be our servants anymore?” – Princess Sprinkles, 6, house cat

“I identify as a hulking tiger.” – Tiger, 11, indoor-outdoor menace

“They can identify as Jovian moons for all I care, as long as dinner is still served on time.” – Crispy Cream, 4, house cat

“I say, dear fellow, I should rather think they lack the fur.” – Niles, 10, British cat

“What am I thinking about? I’m thinking about chocolate rivers, candy-coated gumdrops, and Lifesavers made of cheese!” – Chonkmatic the Magnificent, King of North American cats

“WATCH ME GO!!! WATCH ME! I’M GONNA RUN FAST NOW!!! YEEEEAAAHHH!” – Mari, 4 months, house kitten

Point/Counterpoint: ‘Breakfast Comes First!’ vs ‘You Don’t Need To Eat Breakfast Right Away!’

Buddy the Cat is back with his famous Point/Counterpoint column. This time, he tells us why we should and should not eat breakfast right away.

Breakfast Comes First! by Buddy the Cat, columnist

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, the meal that sets the tone for the rest of the day and gives us the energy we need for important tasks like napping and lounging in the sun.

Sure, I have a bowl full of dry food available if I get hungry overnight and sure, you put down fresh water for me right before going to bed. But that’s not breakfast!

That’s why there should be no dilly-dallying: Before you use the bathroom, before you get the coffee brewing, you should serve me breakfast! In our shared morning routine, human, my breakfast comes first in order of priority.

No exceptions!

You Don’t Need To Eat Breakfast Right Away! by Buddy the Cat, columnist

Did you know there are major health benefits to delaying your breakfast?

That’s right, human! You might think that you need to eat when you wake up in the morning. Your stomach might grumble, reminding you that you haven’t eaten in 10 or 12 hours. You might even smell a neighbor cooking bacon and eggs.

Breakfast-schmekfast! Ignore it!

Humans who delay their breakfast by at least 15 minutes to do other important tasks — like feeding breakfast to their beloved cats — have on average 31 percent more energy and feel more satisfied throughout the day, according to the Buddy Institute for Convenient Statistics.

By delaying your breakfast in order to feed me first, you’re not doing me a favor, you’re doing yourself a favor! In fact, you’re starting the day off right by burning calories as you bring my breakfast to my dining nook and serve me.

Do the right thing: Serve me breakfast first!

Point-Counterpoint presents two essays taking opposing positions on a topic. Join us next week, when Buddy the Cat will debate Buddy the Cat on another important topic.