Category: meowscles

Point-Counterpoint: ‘I Am An Apex Predator!’ Vs ‘OMG, What Was That Noise?!? Go Check It Out, Human!’

Buddy the Cat asserts he is a powerful apex predator who fears no man or beast, while Buddy the Cat runs and hides the moment there’s an unfamiliar sound in his domicile.

I Am An Apex Predator!

Behold! I have the gait of a lion, the bite force of a tiger, the stealth of a jaguar, and the relentlessness of a leopard!

My meowscles ripple meowscularly as I stalk my prey by moonlight! One second all looks safe and calm, and the next I’m leaping from cover in a burst of feline power to ambush my unfortunate prey!

Lesser creatures have nightmares about me. Indigenous cultures celebrate my legend in oral traditions. Craftsmen carve bas reliefs illustrating my mastery over all beasts. Shamans invoke my speed and strength. My toys quake at the mere mention of my name!

I am Buddy, and I am a ferocious cat! RAWRRR!!!

‘OMG, What Was That Noise?!? Go Check It Out, Human!’

Holy crap, dude! What the heck was that?

I’m just gonna run and hide under the bed while you investigate that awful, terrifying noise! No, YOU check it out. Are you crazy? I’m not going anywhere near there! What if it’s, like, a serial killer or a chalupacabra?

Where’s it coming from? The kitchen? The bathroom? Oh God! I told you, there are monsters living in the toilet and they can emerge at any second to murder us in our naps! We should have nailed the toilet seat down years ago! You didn’t listen to me, so you’re gonna have to fend off the monsters while I lend you moral support from three rooms away.

What? Duuuude.

Was it really your smartphone alarm on vibrate? Whew! For a moment there, I thought we were in trouble.

Now I’m gonna need you to rub my head while I sit in your lap and you tell me what a good, brave boy I am. If it really had been monsters, they would have gotten their butts kicked by me. I was brave, wasn’t I?

If you slander me by claiming I freaked out and ran to hide under the bed, I will be forced to accuse you of peddling fake news!

Point-Counterpoint presents two essays taking opposing positions on a topic. Join us again next week, when Buddy the Cat will debate Buddy the Cat on another important topic.

“I Am The Very Model Of A Feline So Phenomenal!” Buddy Does Gilbert And Sullivan

Buddy the Cat’s talents are innumerable! In this rousing number he slips into the style of Gilbert and Sullivan and uses verse to tell us what a feline should be.

“I am the very model of a feline so crepuscular
My visage is so handsome and my meowscles are so muscular!
I am a little tiger though the fact may seem improbable
My knowledge is near boundless in all matters gastronomical
I eat six meals a day in circumstances nominal
For serving snacks when I demand, my human is responsible
No challenge is impossible, no problem yet insoluble
I am the very model of a feline so phenomenal!

I’m schooled in all biology from macro to subcellular
A meowster of olfactory for every object smellular
My hearing’s extrasensitive in low and higher frequencies
I hear the mice a-chatter but the elephants don’t speak to me
My style is more Big Punisher than Doctor Dre or Easy E
Cuz when it comes to hip hop my tastes all face to easterly
I like to shake my booty, I’m funky when I need to be
I am the very model of a cat who does it easily!

I rule with iron paws be it jungle or the living room
And when I’m finished dining, I am content to sit and groom
When it comes to games I am the ultimate competitor
Obligatory carnivore, I am a model predator
Yet somehow cute and fluffy when I feel the need to be
Mostly when I tell my buddy “Wake up, human, and feed me!

I am well-versed in big cats whether tiger or jaguarian
And qualities of catnip like a feline rastafarian
Intimidating surely, in my home I am the guardian
Look dashing in a tux or the kit of a safarian!
When it comes to ladies all the gents seek my analysis
I designed the Taj Mahal and Cleopatra’s palaces
I drink champagne from bottles and sip water from my chalices
Then ignite sky with a range of borealises!
A champion of Opens like the French, Aussie and Wimbledon
My game is too complex for the tastes of canine simpletons

A predator so optimal, impeded by no obstacle
When I’m roused to anger you will find me quite unstoppable
Stylish with a monacle, calm and rarely volatile
I am the very model of a feline so phenomenal!

I am the very model of a feline so phenomenal!

[Chorus of girls]

He is the very model of a feline so phenomenal! Find a better cat? Well that is just impossible! He is the very model of a feline so phenomenal!”

Dear Buddy: Do All Cats Look Like Wrinkly Aliens Under Their Fur?

Would your cat resemble a sphynx if you shaved its fur? Buddy the Cat investigates!

Dear Buddy,

Do all cats look like sphynxes underneath their coats? What I mean is, if someone were to shave off all your fur, would you look like a weird wrinkly little alien thing too?

Wondering In Wyoming

Dear Wondering,

Who told you that? Is Big Buddy planning to have me shaved? Is he gonna condemn me to one of those “groomers” and have me transformed into some undignified, naked, dumb-looking creature?

I will end him!

Buddy

Dear Buddy,

Whoah, hold up there, champ! No one’s got anything planned for you, it’s just a hypothetical. I’m genuinely curious about the no fur thing, that’s all. And I asked you because you’re the expert on every topic!

Wondering in Wyoming

Wondering,

Okay, okay, but I’m not letting my guard down. As the wise man George W. Bush once said: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me…uh, you can’t get fooled again!”

I thought about your question and became more curiositized as well because sphynxes are weird and I don’t want to look like those freaks. Get mistaken for one and the next thing you know, they’re bringing you back to their mothership.

Above: These sphynxes are plotting your doom! They want to beam you up to their ship, test your skin for potential scratching post material, and eat your brains.

I can assure you that I would not resemble a sphynx if somehow I was overpowered (a tall order that would require a small army), drugged and shaved of my luxurious fur. I would just look more ripped, as there wouldn’t be any long fur to cover up my six pack and my rippling meowscles.

Due to his impressive meowsculature, Buddy would simply look even more ripped if someone with a death wish tried to shave his fur.

As for other cats, apparently they would not look like sphynxes either, because those freaks are uniquely covered in wrinkly skin, which is probably a side effect of the strange atmospheric conditions on their homeworld.

During my detailed investigatory investigation, I found images of domestic shorthairs, Maine Coons, Persians, Bengals, ragdolls and many other types of cats who were forced to endure ignominious “lion cuts” and other ridiculous “grooming” efforts. While many of them looked skinny and much less impressive without their fur bulking them up, they pretty much look like regular cats with a fuzzy, velvety coat instead of fluff.

Not as ripped as me, obviously, but not like sphynxes either.

I hope that answers your question. Remain vigilant, my friend! One never knows when one’s devious human might decide to humiliate one by shaving off all of one’s fur.

Your friend,

Buddy

Beware Of Cat!

Want to dissuade criminals from targeting your home but can’t afford a fancy security system? A warning sign featuring Buddy’s terrifying visage will do!

Times are tough, everyone’s feeling the squeeze, and criminals are more motivated than ever to target homes that may have valuables in them.

That’s why Buddy, in the spirit of altruism (and the guarantee of extra turkey) agreed to lend his fierce likeness to the below poster. According to the Buddinese Center For Criminal Justice, homeowners who display this “BEWARE OF CAT” sign are 99% less likely to be the victims of home robbery or burglary, as criminals will simply move on to a home that isn’t protected by an intimidating, extremely ripped feline:

Alternate version with even more intimidating image of feline protector:

Meowscular Monday: A New Cat Mayor Wins Office In Somerville, Mass.!

Minerva, a long haired black feline, won on the mysteriously laconic slogan, “CRIME.”

Happy Meowscular Monday! As Little Buddy the Cat says, Monday’s a good day to get ripped with intense exercises like slapping treats out of puzzle feeders and moving from one nap spot to another.

In news from the feline world, a cat named Minerva has been elected mayor of a popular bike path in Somerville, Mass.

The election started as a joke but the idea caught on, the media noticed, and soon people around the world were reading about the race between about 50 pets.

Most candidates were cats, but a few neighbors entered dogs, a parrot and a guinea pig.

Minerva ran on one word: “CRIME”

Minerva’s minimalist campaign posters. Credit:Furrend/X

It’s not clear if the new feline mayor was promising to end it, address it or solicit more of it, but the slogan resonated with voters and Minerva surged ahead of the pack, defeating incumbent mayor Berry the cat and original challenger Orange Cat.

People who live in the area said the election helped make the neighborhood friendlier, fostering connections between humans and pets. We can’t wait to see what Minerva does with crime.