Buddy – Page 52 – Pain In The Bud

Unused Audio Commentary: The Big Lebowski

Buddy the Cat and his human watch The Big Lebowski and record a commentary track for your enjoyment and illumination.

Unused Audio Commentary for The Big Lebowski, 20th anniversary Blu-ray special edition with 32 seconds of extra footage, featuring Buddy the Cat and his human, Big Buddy.

Big Buddy the Human: Hello and thanks for joining us on this special commentary track for one of the most beloved cult films of the past quarter century.

Little Buddy the Cat: The Big Lebowski!

Big Buddy: Yep. There’s a Big Lebowski and a Little Lebowski, just like I’m Big Buddy and you’re Little Buddy.

Little Buddy: Let me guess: The Little Lebowski is the more awesome of the two, and he’s the hero of the story?

Big Buddy: That’s correct. Although in this movie he’s referred to as “The Dude” by anyone who knows him, just like you’re “The Jerk” to anyone who knows you. Now we see the opening shots of a supermarket as the Dude shops for a pint of milk. This movie is set in the 1990s. George Bush is on the TV warning Saddam Hussein: “This aggression will not stand!”

Little Buddy: No, it will not!

DFED149F-29F0-4CAD-B54B-4934C375F867 — “This aggression will not stand!”

Big Buddy: I love this part. The Dude doesn’t even get his foot in the door of his home before these thugs grab him. They’re dunking his head in the toilet bowl.

Little Buddy: His litter box! Oh that’s nasty.

Big Buddy: They want money. They keep saying “Where’s the money, Lebowski?” as they dunk his face into the toilet. And now probably the most pivotal moment in the movie…the second thug pees on The Dude’s rug.

Little Buddy: Unbelievable! Who would do something like that? Who would pee on a rug? Certainly not I.

Big Buddy: Says the rug-pee-er.

Little Buddy: I am not!

Big Buddy: Please. Your kind are notorious for pissing all over rugs. It’s like a national pastime with you people.

Little Buddy: ‘You people’? ‘Your kind’? That’s so racialist!

Big Buddy: You’re a cat, you can’t be the victim of racism.

5433C570-D585-4AA3-9694-36302519A61D — The inciting incident: A thug pees on The Dude’s rug.

Little Buddy: We’re not here to talk about me peeing on rugs. We’re here to talk about thugs peeing on The Dude’s rug. Why does The Dude owe them money?

Big Buddy: He doesn’t. That’s the whole point. These thugs have the wrong Lebowski.

Little Buddy: So they peed on the wrong Lebowski’s rug? That rug really tied the room together! Please tell me The Dude gets a good rug to replace the one that’s been peed on.

Big Buddy: That’s the plot of this movie. One man’s relentless search for a perfect rug to tie the room together and replace the rug that’s been peed on.

Little Buddy: I like it already! What’s this?

Big Buddy: This is a bowling alley, where people play a game called bowling…

2078FBA7-2310-4B1C-BD7A-CFBDBD89C63A — The Dude, Donny and Walter at the bowling alley. As per usual, Donny is out of his element.

Little Buddy: Are they…?

Big Buddy: Yes.

Little Buddy: Hold on, hold on! You’re telling me humans play a game in which the object is to swipe things off a flat surface?!

Big Buddy: That’s correct.

Little Buddy: And you never thought to tell me this? You know how much I love swiping things off flat surfaces!

Big Buddy: I never really thought of it that way, but I suppose you would like…

Little Buddy: This is vital information! When can we go?!?

Big Buddy: Well how about we watch the movie first? I promise there’s a ton of bowling in it for you to get your vicarious thrills. Then we can talk about going bowling.

Little Buddy: Deal. This is gonna be so much fun!

Big Buddy: Okay. So we get this establishing shot of synchronized bowlers, and now we meet the rest of our heroes — The Dude’s friends, Walter and Donnie.

Little Buddy: Walter is upset about something. He doesn’t roll on Shabbos.

Big Buddy: No, he does not.

Big Buddy: So as The Dude tells them the story about the desecrated rug, it’s Walter’s idea to confront the Big Lebowski to get compensation. After all, those thugs were looking for him, not The Dude. The Dude takes Walter’s advice and goes to speak to The Big Lebowski.

Little Buddy: Who’s this guy?

Big Buddy: That’s Brandt, the Big Lebowski’s Butler.

Little Buddy: Ah. His servant, like you are for me.

Big Buddy: Not exactly. Brandt shows The Dude around, tells him about the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, and introduces him to The Big Lebowski himself.

Little Buddy: This guy is the Big Lebowski?

Big Buddy: Yep.

Little Buddy: I was expecting a much bigger Lebowski.

Big Buddy: Well I suppose “The Slightly Larger Lebowski” doesn’t have the same ring to it.

6B706ED1-9744-41F4-878D-375134B999D7 — The Slightly Larger Lebowski.

Little Buddy: The Big Lebowski doesn’t seem very receptive to The Dude’s argument.

Big Buddy: That’s putting it mildly. He thinks The Dude is a joint-smoking deadbeat.

Little Buddy: That’s because The Dude is a joint-smoking deadbeat. It looks like a wonderful life. Catnip, naps and food.

Big Buddy: How is that different from your daily existence?

Little Buddy: It’s not, which is why I love The Dude. Speaking of, where’s the nip?

Big Buddy: You want it now? Seriously?

Little Buddy: Gimme, gimme! I feel like I should be on The Dude’s wavelength when I watch this movie. Thanks, amigo!

FEF8FD76-0CD4-4431-BDD7-6BEEC009D956 — Buddy gets into the spirit — and The Dude’s mind state — with a nip break.

Big Buddy: Okay. So I like how The Dude isn’t dissuaded. The Big Lebowski is screaming at him, refusing to compensate him for his rug, and does that stop him? No! He just leaves and tells Brandt: “The old man told me to take any rug in the house.”

Little Buddy: Who’s this lady painting her toes?

Big Buddy: That’s Bunny Lebowski, the Big Lebowski’s trophy wife.

B4D45DBD-2DEA-4EEC-9CFE-68359A91D32D — Bunny Lebowski, a woman who charges outrageous fees to blow on people’s toes.

Little Buddy: She’s asking The Dude to blow on her toes, and he does, but she says he has to pay $1,000 if he wants her to blow his toes. That hardly seems fair.

Big Buddy: She’s not offering to blow on his toes, she’s…ah, nevermind. You wouldn’t understand.

Little Buddy: Why?

Big Buddy: Because you’re a cat.

Little Buddy: Racialist!

Big Buddy: A neutered cat.

Little Buddy: What’s noodured?

Big Buddy: Nevermind. The Dude tells Bunny he’s going to find an ATM, but now we’re back at the bowling alley with Walter and Donny.

lebowskisunglasses — “I’ll go find an ATM…”

Little Buddy: Is that a dog in a carrier?

Big Buddy: Yes.

Little Buddy: That’s absurd! Who brings a dumb animal bowling? Especially a dumb animal who most certainly does not appreciate the finer things in life, like swiping objects off flat surfaces.

(ON SCREEN) WALTER: “What do you mean “brought it bowling”? I didn’t rent it shoes. I’m not buying it a fucking beer. He’s not gonna take your fucking turn, Dude.”

Little Buddy: See? The Dude and I think alike. Whoah! A gun! Walter has a gun! What’s he doing?

Big Buddy: He’s threatening Smokey, another bowler. He says Smokey was over the line when he bowled.

Little Buddy: Oh. Then why not just shoot him? Mark it zero!

F88F389D-22E2-42CB-81D6-F87E566C2FC9 — Walter, the only sane voice in the movie, prevents social order from breaking down by threatening to shoot a man over a bowling disagreement.

Big Buddy: Smokey marks it zero.

Little Buddy: Hell yeah.

Big Buddy: Walter and The Dude gotta bounce quick, one of the managers is calling the cops.

Little Buddy: *yawn* What for?

Big Buddy: For pulling a gun during a game of bowling, little guy! You can’t just do that to people. Oh, I love this part when they walk to the car and argue…

Big Buddy: Bud?

Big Buddy: Buddy, wake up!

Big Buddy: I knew it. Okay, that’s all for today, folks, Buddy is in a catnip coma and I don’t think he’s waking up any time soon. Join us next time for Part II of Unused Audio Commentary: The Big Lebowski! Thanks for rolling with us on Shabbos.

Hallelujah! I Can Wipe My Ass Again!

Big Buddy finds TP, while Little Buddy perfects his methods to wake his human up on command.

You know your dreams are small when you’re wildly excited about toilet paper.

I braved a trip outdoors today to head to a local pharmacy where there was one pathetic shelf stocked with maybe two dozen rolls of TP, some paper towels and tissues, limit two per customer.

It was like finding gold!

I thanked the people at the pharmacy — a mom and pop shop — profusely for limiting purchases to put off the hoarders, and for staying open. We lionize cops and emergency services personnel, and everyone’s been extremely grateful for our healthcare professionals. They deserve the praise.

But we tend to forget about the people who work at grocery stores and pharmacies, those essential pillars of life that keep this country running and keep social order from collapsing. Cashiers, stock boys and pharmacy techs don’t make a lot of money — certainly not compared to doctors and nurses — and they don’t get pensions like cops and firefighters.

Yet they show up to work, despite the danger. We should all be thankful for them, and let them know we appreciate them. Even a simple thanks or enquiring about their safety lets them know we’re thinking of them and we’re grateful for what they do.

Buddy Buddy

Okay. No one comes here to read about my bathroom habits, and I vowed not to let the virus stuff temper the humor on this blog. You guys come here for cat humor and to read about His Grace, Buddy the Magnificent, not for the same depressing crap you can read on news sites.

In the past I’ve written about Buddy the Real Cat vs Buddy the Cartoonish Internet Cat, but after I wrote the post this week about Buddy the Kitten attacking me in my sleep, I thought it’s probably worth mentioning that even the most outrageously ridiculous Buddy stories on this blog have a kernel of truth to them, and in some cases are very close to the truth.

So while Buddy might not build trebuchets to launch water balloons at me while I’m sleeping, he does have an entire repertoire of incredibly annoying methods to rouse me from sleep.

It’s not because he’s hungry. I put down a bowl of Blue Buffalo kibble and fresh water before going to bed so His Grace doesn’t have to wake me when he’s got the munchies.

Nope, it’s because he wants to play, because he wants me to wake up, rub his head and tell him what a good boy he is while he purrs.

His go-to method is simply yowling loudly and incessantly, but I’ve countered that with earplugs. Haha!

When that doesn’t work, he’ll pad over to the kibble bag and rustle it as loudly and annoyingly as possible. And if he still can’t get me up, he goes to his litter box and starts punching the door flap over and over and over again: THUMP! creak! THUMP! creak! THUMP! creak! The earplugs don’t insulate that sound as well, so that usually wakes me.

The nuclear option, when all else fails, is walking on my head and screaming in my ear.

That, of course, is when I hurl all sorts of vile invective at him. People who read this blog know I love my cat, I care deeply for his safety and happiness, and I often put his needs before my own. But if someone who knows nothing about me heard the stuff that comes out of my mouth when Buddy’s trying to wake me up, they’d think I’m a terrible person.

Let’s just say it typically involves threats of defenestration, selling him to the local Chinese restaurant, punting him like a field goal kicker, and calling him a furry little shitball.

He may not be able to understand my words, but he definitely understands my tone, and still it doesn’t phase him. He knows me too well, including the fact that when I finally drag my ass out of bed and sit down with a cup of coffee, I’ll rub his head and call him a good boy as he purrs.

Kitten Buddy Celebrates Successful Ambush

A look back at a 2014 article from our archives when Buddy was just an innocent little kitten.

From the archives: June 17, 2014

NEW YORK — Buddy the Kitten celebrated another successful ambush on Tuesday after violently rousing his human from sleep, sources said.

The 14-week-old gray tabby howled with delight after climbing up onto the bed and launching himself at his human’s face, landing belly-first with a delightful THWAP! as the big stupid human screamed and bolted upright.

Buddy the Kitten promptly retreated to a dark corner of the bedroom, shaking his butt and trilling with joyful anticipation until he heard his human, Big Buddy, begin to snore again.

With a battle cry of “Rrrrrrrrrrr!” the 4.5-lb kitten chomped down on the human’s exposed foot, which was fortuitously left uncovered by the protective blanket when Big Buddy shifted during his sleep.

“Shit!” the human howled, recoiling from the kitten’s shark teeth and claws. “Let me sleep, you little jerk, or I’m selling you to Szechuan Garden II!”

At press time Buddy the Kitten was planning an elaborate new attack involving a makeshift trebuchet and a water balloon, and said he was unconcerned about his human’s threats to sell him to the local Chinese restaurant: “I am a good boy!”

He would likely leave that attack for the following night, the playful kitten said.

“I has to purr in the morning so my human thinks I’m just a sweet little kitten and feeds me turkeys,” Buddy the Kitten said. “Then I make war again! Muahahaha!”

Buddy the Very Handsome Kitten — “I’m just a cute widdle kitten! I didn’t mean to attack you, I swears.”

Dear Buddy: Stop Being So Mean To Humans!

A very good dog tells Buddy he should be grateful to humans instead of complaining about them.

Dear Buddy,

You’re kind of a jerk when it comes to humans.

Humans love us! They take care of us, they feed us, they let us sleep on the floor and drag our butts over the carpet!

They are so nice, always complimenting us and reminding us we’re good boys. They take us for walks, pick up our business and sometimes they let us sleep at the foot of the bed!

Humans are a little stressed right now. They have the whole virus thing on their minds. They’re worried about getting sick, or about their friends who are sick. I’m sure serving your dinner at exactly the right time isn’t the biggest priority right now. That’s a first world cat problem.

So maybe humans need your support and love instead of constant criticism. Have you ever thought of that?

– Good Boy Grateful in Georgia

Dear Good Boy,

No, I hadn’t thought of that.

Buddy the Impatient

P.S. Meal service tardiness is not a trivial matter.

418800FC-A206-4C7E-AF13-781A577973C9 — How humans should be treating us during the Coronavirus pandemic. Credit: Great Canine/imgur

Dear Buddy: Why Are Our Humans Home All The Time?

Humans home too much lately? Buddy’s got a solution!

Dear Buddy,

There’s a dire situation we need to urgently bring to your attention: Our humans are not leaving the house! We meowed to the other cats on our block, and their humans aren’t leaving their homes either. Abe the Abyssinian from across town wandered into our neighborhood and said the same thing is happening in his neck of the woods.

WHAT IS GOING ON?!?

Don’t get us wrong, it’s nice to have a little extra service now and then, but this is really putting a cramp on our lifestyles. We can’t sit on the Warm Pads because our humans are always at home using them. Our beds, which we generously allow our people to use every night, are now constantly claimed by these suddenly-lazy humans.

Worst of all, we can’t steal food because our humans are right here.

Do you know why this is happening?

– Perturbed in Pensacola

angrycat4 — Credit: Instagram/marugadesuyo

Dear Perturbed,

I hadn’t noticed, but then again my human is a loser who works from home and doesn’t have a social life, so I queried some feline amigos, and sure enough their humans are staying indoors too.

Usually this only happens when it’s really cold and snowing, but it’s pretty nice outside, sunny and getting warmer.

I strongly suspect this has to do with the Corona Virus, the one spreading through beer, as I learned through my own investigation last week. (Detective work comes naturally to me.)

Perhaps we can solve this by bringing the infected beer to them! Think about it: They’re doing something called quarreltineering to avoid Corona, but if they open up the fridge and find Coronas right there, they’re no longer safe at home!

That means they will go back outside and we can have our naps and steal food in peace.

I really should sell these ideas instead of giving them away for free. I’d be rich!

Your friend,

Budlock Holmes