Tag: Buddy the Beast

Buddy The Cat Denies Losing Fight To Rodent

MALAGA, Spain — After a viral video showed him furiously back-peddling during a vicious encounter with a rat, Buddy the Cat blasted the media for suggesting he lost a fight to the tiny rodent.

“Fake news!” Buddy told reporters on Thursday. “The fake news media hates me and other cats are jealous of me, which is why they’ve released this heavily edited, out-of-context video that purports to show me ‘losing’ a fight to a rat.”

A witness from Malaga, a municipality on Spain’s southern coast, told MSN that he heard a ruckus when he headed outside and witnessed an “epic battle” between a cat and a rat, with the rodent “leaping in the air and kicking like a real ninja.”

Just a few hours after the video went viral, several users on Twitter identified the feline as Buddy, sparking a torrent of memes and jokes at the tabby cat’s expense.

“A hundred bucks says Buddy would’ve attacked the hell out of that rat if it was a snack,” Twitter user @LosGatos212 wrote.

“lol look at Buddy run from that tiny rat,” wrote user @BuddySucks. “So much for his ‘huge muscles’ and his fierce reputation.”

Buddy, who is known for often referring to his “ripped” physique and bragging about defeating a fly in single combat, accused anonymous “haters” of deceptively editing the video to remove “the epic beatdown” he handed to the rat.

“They cut out the part where I dodged his strikes like Neo from the Matrix, then pulled off a Ryu-style spin kick to send the rat flying,” Buddy insisted. “Probably because my muscles looked huge and I looked badass.”

The uploader also deleted a section of the footage in which Buddy breathed fire and fought off a dozen additional rats who came to the aid of their friend, according to Buddy.

Still, viewers weren’t buying it. One meme creator pasted the rat’s head onto the body of Mike Tyson and Buddy’s head onto the body of Tyson’s hapless opponent in a classic clip from the boxer’s prime.

Buddy the Cat responded by challenging his haters to a fight, “so we can go gato e gato like real cats.”

“We’ll see who the real tough cat is,” he told his haters, “when I’m victorious and eating celebratory turkey, and you’re out cold on the mat!”

Dear Buddy: Why Do You Sound Like Elmo Singing In Falsetto?

Dear Buddy,

Why do you sound like Elmo singing in falsetto?

Laughing in Laramie


Dear Laughing,

Who is Elmo and what is falsetto? If Elmo sounds like me, he must be mighty and have the roar of a tiger!

Buddy


Buddy,

You’ve never heard of Elmo? Here, have a listen:

Laughing in Laramie


Dear Laughing,

Haha, very funny. I don’t sound anything like Elmo. This is what I sound like: (Editor’s note: This is an actual recording of Buddy, with Big Buddy interjecting with his imitation meows. Although the sound of Buddy’s roar is undoubtedly intimidating, try to remain calm. He is friendly.)

Buddy


Dear Buddy,

Was that you or another recording of Elmo? I couldn’t tell. Well if your career as a supposedly fearsome cat doesn’t work, you can always get work as an Elmo impersonator!

LOL


Dear Buddy,

He’s wrong, you don’t sound like Elmo…you sound like Elmeow! Ahahaha!

Giggling in Galicia

It’s difficult to believe such a mighty roar can come from such a cute little guy, isn’t it?

Amazing Cat Breeds: The Buddinese

Hello and welcome to Amazing Cat Breeds™, our new column about the finest cat breeds!

Savannah. Bengal. Toyger. Lykoi.

Those are just some of the names that come to mind when the topic of discussion turns to the rarest and most singular of cat breeds, those wildly expensive designer felines who are the exclusive animal companions of people with impeccable taste and equally impressive bank accounts.

But what if we told you there’s another option that stands above the rest in beauty, temperament and exclusivity? What if we told you there’s a breed that makes the mighty Bengal and the exotic Toyger look downright pedestrian?

Enter the Buddinese, a breed so rare and so difficult to acquire, most cat fancy aficionados consider it cryptozoological.

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The Buddinese: A cat breed so exclusive, you’ve never heard of it until now.

What is a Buddinese?

With its stunning emerald eyes hinting at deep sapience, its graceful gait and its sleek, powerful musculature, the Buddinese most closely represents a tiger in miniature, squeezing all the ferociousness of that majestic animal into a more compact form factor.

Those who count themselves among the lucky few to know Buddinese firsthand find it impossible to agree on the breed’s finest quality. Is it the Buddinesian’s fierce feline intelligence? Its regal presence? Or is it the breed’s astonishingly silky coat, shimmering like a beach of crushed diamond under starlight?

Putting guard dogs to shame

One argument frequently employed by those lacking discernment is that dogs, those olfactorily offensive beasts, are superior companion animals because of their watchful nature and ability to neutralize unwanted intruders.

But what if we told you the growl of a Buddinese strikes fear into the hearts of even the most accomplished burglars and home invasion artists? This breed is the dictionary definition of fearless, its dread visage enough to call forth rivulets of terror-piss from those who harbor malicious intent.

With a Buddinese guarding your home, the question isn’t “Will it be a match for armed intruders?” It’s “Will it even have to growl before the unfortunate souls who entered its territory unbidden are seized by mindless dread and involuntarily evacuate their bowels?”

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Apex predator: No sane person or animal would willingly confront such a powerful felid.

The Adonis of cats

It is said that it’s impossible for a Buddinese to strike a pose, for every snapshot of this wondrous cat is worthy of its own Michelangelo. If the breed existed in antiquity we’ve no doubt its likeness would be rendered in marble and gold flake, guarding the tombs of pharaohs and emperors alike.

Dragons and other mythical creatures would become redundant, for how can something as limited as human imagination improve on peak magnificence?

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The breed in its native habitat, where it reigns as the apex predator.

Where did the breed originate?

Unlike lesser designer cats, the Buddinese owes its existence to a singular breeder: Mother Nature. It’s said these magnificent cats are native to Buddesia, a jungle region of New York rich with fauna and flora.

Buddesia is so idyllic that Buddinese have no problem adjusting to human homes: After all, what is Buddesia if not one large, comfortable living room?

The envy of every other cat enthusiast

There’s more to a Buddinese than dashing good looks, fur that feels like Egyptian cotton and unequaled intelligence. To have a Buddinese is to have a felid who will win every cat fancy event.

Your friends think they’re special because they’ve got Persians or Siamese? That’s cute. You’ll be able to smell their jealousy as they look upon your Buddinese, wondering how they can acquire one. They can’t.

Would you like to see your cat featured in Amazing Cat Breeds™? Drop us a line in the comments with a photo of your stunning feline and a short description outlining why it’s awesome.

 

Study: Male Actors, Models Are 96% More Handsome With Buddy

NEW YORK — Male actors and models are viewed as 96 percent more handsome when pictured with Buddy the Cat, a new study reveals.

The study, conducted by a research team from the Buddy Institute for Handsomeness Studies, found actors like Ryan Gosling, George Clooney and Brad Pitt were scored much more favorably on attractiveness measures when photographed with Buddy.

“Take the Australian actor Chris Hemsworth, for example: Our studies found that Hemsworth pictured alone was rated favorable by only four percent of women,” the study’s authors wrote. “But in photographs where he’s lounging with Buddy, holding Buddy or flexing next to Buddy, women rated him off the scale in terms of looks, masculinity, power and assertiveness. The difference is remarkable.”

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Australian actor Chris Hemsworth photographed without Buddy.

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Australian actor Chris Hemsworth photographed WITH Buddy, illustrating a dramatic difference in perceived power, masculinity and handsomeness.

Comedian Bruce Vilanch, who is not generally considered a sex symbol by women, was described by the study’s female participants as “irresistibly sexy,” “uncompromisingly masculine” and “incredibly hot” when women viewed photographs of Vilanch posing with Buddy.

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Bruce Vilanch rated higher than George Clooney on universal scores of attractiveness when photographed with Buddy the Cat, the study found.

“This phenomenon may be one reason why so many men on dating apps choose to display photographs of themselves posing with tigers and other ferocious, regal beasts,” the study concluded. “There’s nothing like a powerful feline to get pulses racing.”

Researchers at the revered and ultra-credible Buddy Institute for Handsomeness Studies — which is considered one of the greatest international research institutions — said they were prompted to study the effect of Buddy’s presence after a fake news study claimed men are viewed as less desirable by women when they’re pictured with cats.

Did You Know Buddy Is A Chic Designer Cat?

Dear Buddy,

With all this talk of special breeds and glamorous designer cats, I found myself wondering: What’s your heritage? You obviously come from refined stock and must have commanded quite a price.

– Fancy Cat in Florida


Dear Fancy,

My human informs me I’m a rare and noble breed known in taxonomic nomenclature as felis magnificantus handsomus. (Thus the prominent “M” mark on my forehead for magnificantus, which is Latin for magnificent.)

I am descended from an Amur tiger who mated with a manticore, producing unique offspring which was then paired with a puma, resulting in a spectacular felid who mated with a particularly handsome domestic cat, thus creating my unique breed.

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A manticore, which is part of Buddy’s royal lineage.

This explains the majestic and regal bearing of my personage, my good looks and my considerable muscles. Not all cats are this ripped, as you know.

Legend tells of an unprecedented bidding war, with humans pledging small fortunes for the privilege of serving me. Big Buddy refused to divulge exactly how much money he spent to outbid the others, but if a mere Savannah can cost as much as $20,000, surely an impeccable specimen of felis magnificantus handsomus would command at least twice that.

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Photo of a young Buddy playing with a sibling on the palace grounds.

This, dear readers, is why I am an indoor-only cat. It has nothing to do with me being scared of the outdoors, as laughably suggested by some. It’s because, as a powerful and glamorous feline, it is illegal for me to prowl the streets alone as I would strike fear into the hearts of humans, dogs and other lesser creatures.

Thankfully I’m a pretty chill dude and all it takes it some turkey to stay on my good side!

Your friend,

Buddy

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Felis magnificantus handsomus.

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Admirers snap photos of a painting of Buddy in a French museum.

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Sophisticated and glamorous French women often commission paintings of sophisticated and glamorous cats.