Unused Audio Commentary for The Big Lebowski, 20th anniversary Blu-ray special edition with 32 seconds of extra footage, featuring Buddy the Cat and his human, Big Buddy.

Big Buddy the Human: Hello and thanks for joining us on this special commentary track for one of the most beloved cult films of the past quarter century.

Little Buddy the Cat: The Big Lebowski!

Big Buddy: Yep. There’s a Big Lebowski and a Little Lebowski, just like I’m Big Buddy and you’re Little Buddy.

Little Buddy: Let me guess: The Little Lebowski is the more awesome of the two, and he’s the hero of the story?

Big Buddy: That’s correct. Although in this movie he’s referred to as “The Dude” by anyone who knows him, just like you’re “The Jerk” to anyone who knows you. Now we see the opening shots of a supermarket as the Dude shops for a pint of milk. This movie is set in the 1990s. George Bush is on the TV warning Saddam Hussein: “This aggression will not stand!”

Little Buddy: No, it will not!

Big Buddy: I love this part. The Dude doesn’t even get his foot in the door of his home before these thugs grab him. They’re dunking his head in the toilet bowl.

Little Buddy: His litter box! Oh that’s nasty.

Big Buddy: They want money. They keep saying “Where’s the money, Lebowski?” as they dunk his face into the toilet. And now probably the most pivotal moment in the movie…the second thug pees on The Dude’s rug.

Little Buddy: Unbelievable! Who would do something like that? Who would pee on a rug? Certainly not I.

Big Buddy: Says the rug-pee-er.

Little Buddy: I am not!

Big Buddy: Please. Your kind are notorious for pissing all over rugs. It’s like a national pastime with you people.

Little Buddy: ‘You people’? ‘Your kind’? That’s so racialist!

Big Buddy: You’re a cat, you can’t be the victim of racism.

Little Buddy: We’re not here to talk about me peeing on rugs. We’re here to talk about thugs peeing on The Dude’s rug. Why does The Dude owe them money?

Big Buddy: He doesn’t. That’s the whole point. These thugs have the wrong Lebowski.

Little Buddy: So they peed on the wrong Lebowski’s rug? That rug really tied the room together! Please tell me The Dude gets a good rug to replace the one that’s been peed on.

Big Buddy: That’s the plot of this movie. One man’s relentless search for a perfect rug to tie the room together and replace the rug that’s been peed on.

Little Buddy: I like it already! What’s this?

Big Buddy: This is a bowling alley, where people play a game called bowling…

Little Buddy: Are they…?

Big Buddy: Yes.

Little Buddy: Hold on, hold on! You’re telling me humans play a game in which the object is to swipe things off a flat surface?!

Big Buddy: That’s correct.

Little Buddy: And you never thought to tell me this? You know how much I love swiping things off flat surfaces!

Big Buddy: I never really thought of it that way, but I suppose you would like…

Little Buddy: This is vital information! When can we go?!?

Big Buddy: Well how about we watch the movie first? I promise there’s a ton of bowling in it for you to get your vicarious thrills. Then we can talk about going bowling.

Little Buddy: Deal. This is gonna be so much fun!

Big Buddy: Okay. So we get this establishing shot of synchronized bowlers, and now we meet the rest of our heroes — The Dude’s friends, Walter and Donnie.

Little Buddy: Walter is upset about something. He doesn’t roll on Shabbos.

Big Buddy: No, he does not.

Big Buddy: So as The Dude tells them the story about the desecrated rug, it’s Walter’s idea to confront the Big Lebowski to get compensation. After all, those thugs were looking for him, not The Dude. The Dude takes Walter’s advice and goes to speak to The Big Lebowski.

Little Buddy: Who’s this guy?

Big Buddy: That’s Brandt, the Big Lebowski’s Butler.

Little Buddy: Ah. His servant, like you are for me.

Big Buddy: Not exactly. Brandt shows The Dude around, tells him about the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, and introduces him to The Big Lebowski himself.

Little Buddy: This guy is the Big Lebowski?

Big Buddy: Yep.

Little Buddy: I was expecting a much bigger Lebowski.

Big Buddy: Well I suppose “The Slightly Larger Lebowski” doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Little Buddy: The Big Lebowski doesn’t seem very receptive to The Dude’s argument.

Big Buddy: That’s putting it mildly. He thinks The Dude is a joint-smoking deadbeat.

Little Buddy: That’s because The Dude is a joint-smoking deadbeat. It looks like a wonderful life. Catnip, naps and food.

Big Buddy: How is that different from your daily existence?

Little Buddy: It’s not, which is why I love The Dude. Speaking of, where’s the nip?

Big Buddy: You want it now? Seriously?

Little Buddy: Gimme, gimme! I feel like I should be on The Dude’s wavelength when I watch this movie. Thanks, amigo!

Big Buddy: Okay. So I like how The Dude isn’t dissuaded. The Big Lebowski is screaming at him, refusing to compensate him for his rug, and does that stop him? No! He just leaves and tells Brandt: “The old man told me to take any rug in the house.”

Little Buddy: Who’s this lady painting her toes?

Big Buddy: That’s Bunny Lebowski, the Big Lebowski’s trophy wife.

Little Buddy: She’s asking The Dude to blow on her toes, and he does, but she says he has to pay $1,000 if he wants her to blow his toes. That hardly seems fair.

Big Buddy: She’s not offering to blow on his toes, she’s…ah, nevermind. You wouldn’t understand.

Little Buddy: Why?

Big Buddy: Because you’re a cat.

Little Buddy: Racialist!

Big Buddy: A neutered cat.

Little Buddy: What’s noodured?

Big Buddy: Nevermind. The Dude tells Bunny he’s going to find an ATM, but now we’re back at the bowling alley with Walter and Donny.

Little Buddy: Is that a dog in a carrier?

Big Buddy: Yes.

Little Buddy: That’s absurd! Who brings a dumb animal bowling? Especially a dumb animal who most certainly does not appreciate the finer things in life, like swiping objects off flat surfaces.

(ON SCREEN) WALTER: “What do you mean “brought it bowling”? I didn’t rent it shoes. I’m not buying it a fucking beer. He’s not gonna take your fucking turn, Dude.”

Little Buddy: See? The Dude and I think alike. Whoah! A gun! Walter has a gun! What’s he doing?

Big Buddy: He’s threatening Smokey, another bowler. He says Smokey was over the line when he bowled.

Little Buddy: Oh. Then why not just shoot him? Mark it zero!

Big Buddy: Smokey marks it zero.

Little Buddy: Hell yeah.

Big Buddy: Walter and The Dude gotta bounce quick, one of the managers is calling the cops.

Little Buddy: *yawn* What for?

Big Buddy: For pulling a gun during a game of bowling, little guy! You can’t just do that to people. Oh, I love this part when they walk to the car and argue…

Big Buddy: Bud?

Big Buddy: Buddy, wake up!

Big Buddy: I knew it. Okay, that’s all for today, folks, Buddy is in a catnip coma and I don’t think he’s waking up any time soon. Join us next time for Part II of Unused Audio Commentary: The Big Lebowski! Thanks for rolling with us on Shabbos.