Feline Overlords – Page 10

Cat Demands Human Swear Fealty, Submit Essay To Continue Serving Him

Realizing he could leverage his popularity to improve snack and head-rubbing service, Little Buddy demanded his human “bend the knee.”

NEW YORK — Tensions between the Buddies threatened to reach an all-time high on Wednesday after Little Buddy the Cat sought to formalize their alliance by having Big Buddy the Human swear fealty to him.

“I’ve been thinking,” Little Buddy the Cat said, padding into the living room, “and I’ve got an idea!”

“This should be brilliant,” his human replied, not bothering to look up from his newspaper.

Little Buddy the Cat nodded in agreement.

“It is! It is!” he said excitedly. “I was thinking that since I have my own website, you know, and people all over the world love me, it’s time to reevaluate my options. There are people who would love to spoil me, you know.”

Big Buddy glowered.

“So I’m going to need an essay of no less than 800 words on why you should be allowed to continue serving me,” the feline continued. “Offer specifics, please. I’m gonna need that on my desk by 0800 tomorrow.”

“You don’t have a desk, you Tribble with a tail,” Big Buddy pointed out.

The tabby cat became exasperated. “My office! My…my eating nook where my bowls and all my important papers are stored! So you’ll submit your essay there, okay?”

Big Buddy nodded absentmindedly, flipping his newspaper to the sports section.

“Uh-huh. Whatever you say, little dude.”

Buddy clawed at the paper. “I wasn’t finished!”

Buddy and his tunnel — Buddy, pictured, wants his human to “bend the knee” and swear fealty to him.

When he had his human’s attention again, the silver tabby dragged out a crude replica of Game of Thrones’ Iron Throne made of cardboard, grunting with the effort.

“Now if I can just…get my feet up here…grip on the cardboard I can…grrr…okay. Whew!”

The feline settled onto the throne, the corrugated cardboard sagging beneath his weight, and tried to look regal.

“You may now bend the knee,” he said matter-of-factly. “Oooh! Ooh! Get your replica samurai sword, draw it and hold it as you kneel to me! That would be really cool.”

Buddy's cardboard throne — A Buddinese throne.

As of press time, Big Buddy had not stirred from the couch, retrieved his samurai sword or bent the knee.

“This is my fault,” he told a reporter. “I never should have let my cat watch Game of Thrones.”

Feline Leads US National Bowling Team To Dominant Win

Cats are unequaled when it comes to knocking objects over, giving them a natural talent for bowling.

DES MOINES — With his brow furrowed in concentration, the US team captain took a moment at the top of the lane to analyze the geometry of the task before him.

Satisfied that he’d correctly sized things up, he lunged forward and sent the ball barreling down the polished hardwood where it connected with a pin on the right, clipping it with just enough force to snap it toward its twin on the other side.

As both pins reverberated with a familiar clunk and the score registered a spare, teammates and spectators alike broke out into a raucous cheer.

It was business as usual for the US National Bowling Team except for one small detail: the bowler who’d just collected another spare was a domestic cat named Buddy.

Asked to summarize his feline teammate’s game, bowler Jeffrey Lebowski didn’t hesitate.

“One word,” he said. “Lights out. Actually that’s uh, that’s two words, but you get my drift, man.”

For Lebowski and his fellow bowlers, championship ambitions became reality with the meteoric rise of Buddy the Cat, who dominated the lower leagues before joining the national squad and quickly earning its captaincy.

“I’ve been knocking things over since I was a kitten,” Buddy said matter-of-factly. “Swiping objects isn’t just a hobby. For me, it’s a passion.”

Indeed, the silver tabby estimates he’s slapped tens of thousands of items off of tables, chairs, desks and counters at home over the years. He says he’s knocked his human’s smartphone to the floor more times than he can count, along with TV remotes, keys, writing instruments and beverages.

He credits the latter especially with providing him with the foundation necessary to excel on the lanes.

“If you think about it, a water bottle isn’t much different than a bowling pin,” Buddy explained. “They have a similar form factor and center of gravity, and they both make a satisfying slap as they hit the floor.”

But making a career of his passion never occurred to the New York-born feline until he dozed off on the couch one day and woke up to a bowling broadcast on ESPN6.

He was instantly smitten.

“I couldn’t believe such a sport existed,” Buddy recalled. “I said to my human: ‘All this time you knew there was a competitive sport that involves my favorite thing to do besides napping and eating, and you just neglected to mention it to me?’ I mean, it doesn’t even involve any running or physical exertion whatsoever! I knew it was the sport for me.”

Buddy and Lebowski — Jeffrey Lebowski with Buddy the Cat.

Buddy’s new teammates were skeptical at first, but when he filled in for teammate Walter Sobchak and bowled a perfect 300, they were sold.

“I told those %@#*s down at the league office that I don’t roll on Shabbos, but they scheduled us for a Friday night game anyway,” Sobchak said. “I told the league office ‘You’re entering a world of pain if we lose because I can’t roll,’ but Buddy saved our bacon. Shomer Shabbos!”

Buddy says he’s focused on leading the US team to its first championship in decades, but credits the experience for broadening his horizons. He said he’s particularly interested in getting involved in boxing “since boxes are another passion of mine.”

“Boxing sounds amazing, and I’m partial to all kinds of boxes, not just cardboard,” he said. “But first we have a world championship to win.”

Cat On The Street: Are You Satisfied With Your Human Servants?

We asked six Roman cats if their humans are serving them adequately.

It’s hard out there for a patrician cat.

By the time the newest batch of humans arrives from the provinces, they’re ragged and often useless, but the auctioneers drive a hard bargain anyway. And training them to meet all the needs of a noblecat? Nearly impossible.

We asked six Roman cats whether they’re satisfied with the humans they own:

“They do not call me Dominus, they do not show proper deference and they are often unforgivably late with my meals. I am a magnanimous feline, but these slights cannot go unanswered. No more Mr. Nice Gaius!” – Gaius Magnus Pawlinius

“My human insists on speaking to me in a baby voice. I warned her: ‘Woman, test not the patience of your Dominus, for it is not a quality I possess in great quantity.’ She responded by rubbing salt in my wound, saying ‘Oh you’re just adorable aren’t you? Who’s adorable? You are! You’re my adorbz widdle baby, yes you are!’ I shall have her lashed for her insolence!” – Gingerius Tabbylo Posca

“I enjoy making my humans fight each other for the privilege of my affections. They’re incessantly trying to one-up each other, going to extraordinary lengths to win my favor. What more could a good Roman feline ask for?” – Voidicus Duskus Glaber

“Originally I purchased my humans as an investment for my ludus, to bring me glory and riches in the arena! My name would echo from Capua to Rome! But then I realized that humans are excellent at pulling chariots and unlike horses they don’t incessantly eject foul odors. Also, they eat less.” – Smoothilius Sphynxus Cossutius

“When it comes to humans, you must accept the fact that they are dim creatures who are often incapable of following orders. Whilst dispatching my primary servant to the market, I made clear my demands for fresh fish, raw beef and rodent meat. Yet he returned with these ghastly hard balls he calls ‘kibble’ that taste like cardboard. Worse, he is entirely incompetent as a hunter, so I am forced to catch my own food. This no noblecat should have to endure!” – Clawdius Quintus Catrillo

“They objected to being branded with my cognomen and their insolence shall be punished accordingly. It must be made clear they belong to me! That said, they make pretty good snacks. Flavorful, yet not fattening!” – Marcus Flavius Flufficus

Previously:

Cat On The Street: What Do You Think About Humans Identifying As Felines?
Cat On The Street: How Will You Celebrate Labor Day?
Cat On The Street: What Do You Think About Humans Translating Your Meows?
Cat On The Street: What Do You Think About The Spy Balloons?
Cat On The Street: What Do You Think Of Harry And Meghan’s War On The Royal Family?
Cat On The Street: What Do You Think About The New Discovery From Ancient Egypt?

Aye, Captain Buddy Be Searchin’ For Pieces O’ Eight, Ye Scallywags!

Buddy, aka Graybeard, has departed for his annual adventure on the high seas aboard his ship, the Fowl Play. He really gets into talking like a pirate.

Ahoy, me hearties!

Tis that time of year when I depart the frigid coasts of me headquarters of New York bound for the pirate heaven of Somalia! ‘Tis tradition ever since me Big Buddy temporarily sold me to pirates for a hoard of booty an a jest and I spent a season learnin’ the life of a cat-o-the-sea.

Havin’ obtained me all the plunder I could carry, I returned to New York in time for the spring, rich in gold and the vocabulary of a true privateer. (And a proper cutlass too, though truth be told it were redundant with me sharp claws.) Ye landlubbers were mighty surprised!

So now I be known as Graybeard and my ship, the Fowl Play, is the Scourge o’ the Seas, makin’ sailors tremble in their boots at the sight o’ me mast with a big hulkin’ tiger eatin’ a plump turkey.

Captain Bud — “Ahoy! Land ho! Be prepared to drop anchor, all hands to the poop deck!”

Ahoy! ‘Tis many an incautious feline captain who met the watery grave of Davy Jones’ locker fer understimatin’ the Foul Play, tis it true. Many a red ensign me plunder for the rum, many a seadog know the name o’ Ol’ Graybeard an heard it true me put a shot across they bow!

Them sons o’ biscuit eaters become sharkbait if they underestimate Graybeard, so ye better strike colors an succumb to the inevitable — that Buddy’ll strike anchor, invite hisself aboard ye vessels and help hisself to the prime booty!

Only problem is, not a spot o’ turkey to be had on the high seas, so I have me men squib the deck, get the Fowl Play shipshape and make port often to keep the turkey larders topped up for the galley, ye savvy? Anyone who raid me turkey stash be playin’ with Jack Ketch and be sure to feed the fish, if ye catch me drift!

Avast me, ol’ Graybeard’s adventures on the high seas will continue till I find the legendary pieces of eight or the grog strike me with a clap o’ thunder, I always say.

Fer legend has it that there be an island where turkeys have eight wings, each more delicious than the last, and it be Graybeard’s obsession to find this isle o’ wonders. Just imagine how awesome it would be! Arrrr…belay that! Put it in yer mind that Graybeard’ll be rich in plunder and turkey if the mythical isle be found!

I have me pigeon here who’ll carry me dispatches back to that landlubber Big Buddy, so he can continue the bloggin’ an apprise ye buckos of me adventures. Until such time as the Fowl Play make port, I’d advise ye stay off the shippin’ lanes between the kingdom and the Caribbean.

Yer captain,

Buddy

Festivus 2023: Little Buddy Has Grievances, People!

Today is a Festivus for the rest of us! Get out tbe Festivus pole and prepare for the Feats of Strength and the Airing of Grievances!

Happy Festivus!

December 23 marks the famously anti-consumerist holiday, and this year is the 27th Festivus since it became a national holiday thanks to the Seinfeld episode “The Strike,” which aired on Dec. 18, 1997.

Before that, it was the invention and personal holiday of Daniel O’Keefe, a Reader’s Digest editor. His son Dan, a writer for Seinfeld, introduced Festivus to the rest of us by making it a focal point of the episode.

Festivus is enthusiastically celebrated at la casa de Buddy, providing Little Buddy the opportunity to engage in the Airing of Grievances and, as is tradition, tell everyone how they’ve disappointed him over the past year.

Buddy the Cat with George, Elaine, Jerry and Kramer in the season five episode “The Litter Box.” In the episode, Buddy, Kramer and Kramer’s friend Bob Saccamano scheme to charge felines entry to the beach, billing it as a “luxury litter box.”

With that, we’ll turn it over to Little Buddy’s list of Grievances. No one is spared.

Big Buddy: For being insufficiently devastated when I got sick a few months ago. I expected more tears. Do better next time.

PITB readers: It has recently come to my attention that some of you are laughing at me, not with me. This disturbing news has caused me to question whether you’re being honest when you send correspondence praising my ripped physique or insisting I should be president of the Americats again.

The Internet: For not making me as famous as I should be.

Big Buddy: For being a vegetarian and not having extra turkey in the house!

Big Buddy and PITB readers (again) for tolerating stories about non-cat species and cats who aren’t Buddy! Who cares about owls in Central Park and chonky cats in Poland? This is littlebuddythecat.com NOT fatpolishcats.com!