fake news – Page 11 – Pain In The Bud

The Great Buddini Astonishes Audiences With New Magic Act

The storied magician returns this summer with a new show.

BUDAPEST, Hungary — Renowned magician The Great Buddini will make a triumphant return to the city this summer with a limited run of performances at the historic Thália Színház, his publicist announced on Friday.

The Great Buddini electrified audiences in his last appearance in Budapest, when he made entire bag of Blue Buffalo Bursts vanish, then conjured up a roast turkey before making it disappear again. In all, he made 17 different types of food dematerialize into his mouth during a thrilling and varied performance.

“You are a genius, good sir!” an audience member at one of the Budapest performances proclaimed. “Tell us, how do you do it?”

The Great Buddini doffed his cap and let out an enormous belch.

“A magician never *burp* gives away his s-sec– *burp* — secrets,” he said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, we’ll have a brief intermission. Should be no longer than 10, maybe 15 minutes.”

The curtains drew tight and the pit orchestra began playing as members of the audience drifted over to the concession counter, but someone had forgotten to mute Buddini’s mic, and he could be heard muttering foul oaths, straining mightily and shoveling litter.

“I thought we’d resume with an examination of what is real and what is not,” The Great Buddini told the audience after they’d returned to their seats and the lights had dimmed once again. “Does the red dot exist, or is it merely an illusion?”

Buddini slapped a paw down onto the wooden stage floor, then drew astonished gasps as he held it up, with the elusive red dot pinned between two claws.

“They said it could not be done!” exclaimed a cat in the fifth row. “All hail The Great Buddini!’

“All hail The Great Buddini!” the audience repeated.

Buddini’s 2022 tour took him around the world before finally returning to his native New York, where audiences fainted with disbelief and a New York Times critic declared the magician was “an unrivaled master of sleight of paw.”

Despite near-universal acclaim, some took issue with The Great Buddini’s performances. A scathing review in the New York Post took aim at “imbeciles” who were “paying to watch a chubby cat pig out on snacks on a stage.”

The Great Buddini’s fans were unperturbed.

“Are they trying to say there’s no magic involved in Buddini making an entire bag of moist treats disappear into his mouth?” asked Otis, a 10-year-old orange tabby. “Because I assure you, it’s absolutely magical!”

Dear Buddy: How Much For Buddy?

Buddy receives an offer, but is the buyer interested in purchasing him or his human servant?

Dear Buddy the Greater,

I would like to purchase Buddy the Lesser. Is he for sale? If so, how many rubles will it take to pry him away from you?

Most sincerely,

Vladimir Mewtin, presidential cat of Glorious Motherland

Dear Vladimir,

I may be willing to part with him, but we don’t take rubles, just good old ‘Merican greenbacks here! I’m warning you, the price will be steep, but if you’re serious, I think we can work out a deal.

Buddy

Dearest Buddy,

My heart sang with the glory of Mother Russia when I read your correspondence. Would $50,000 be acceptable recompense for parting with Buddy the Lesser? Also, what does he eat? Is he an affectionate cuddler? Does he like to play games?

Most sincerely,

Vladimir Mewtin, presidential cat of Glorious Motherland

Vlady,

I thought you were serious, dude. Pretend this is eBay and the starting bid is $200,000.

Buddy the Lesser is a vegetarian and has been for more than six years now. He’s more or less affectionate, and he does play games, sometimes too much. I don’t like it when he’s on the computer and the only scritches to be had are absent-minded scritches.

Holler at me if you got the cash,

Buddy

Dearest Buddy,

How is this possible? A cat who is a vegetarian? I am most happy to learn he is affectionate and he enjoys games, but surely no feline can subsist and remain healthy on vegetables and fruits alone. I cannot pay $200,000 for a cat in good conscience if he’s likely to be malnourished, no matter how dashing and handsome he is.

Most sincerely,

Vladimir Mewton

Vlady,

No, no, no! I’m the cat. Buddy the Greater, aka Little Buddy. That’s me. You asked about Buddy the Lesser, aka Big Buddy. That’s my human. I assure you, I eat nothing but the finest turkey and other meats, but I am not for sale!

Now you have to understand, any deal we strike will have to include a replacement human to see to my own needs, okay Vlady? Don’t try to pull a fast one on me either: I want an American human who understands meows in American, is easily manipulated by my yowling and takes his servantly duties seriously.

(Above: Acceptable.)

I don’t have time to teach the American language to a Russian servant, nor am I inclined to instruct a Russian in the subtleties of American meowing. Unless…unless we’re talking about female Russians, gorgeous women with names like Alina, Tatiana and Katya who will spoil me, feed me candied figs and allow me to use their bosoms as pillows. That might be kinda cool.

No Siberia either! Tatiana must come to New York, or Novvy Yorkova as you call it.

Let me know if those terms are amenable to you.

Buddy

Vlady,

Where’d you go, dude? Dammit, why does everyone cut off contact when I try to sell my human?

The ‘Snake Cat’ Is A Bad AI Fake

A viral image allegedly depicts a “snake cat,” described as an extremely rare species native to the Amazon rainforest.

Say hello to felis retrowavus, commonly known as the synthwave cat, one of the rarest species of felid on Earth.

Using the same technique GloFish employed to create bioluminescent neon fish for the pet market, scientists engineered felis retrowavus by extracting fluorescent proteins from jellyfish and inserting them into cat embryos, which incorporated the new proteins into their genome.

The result? A new species of cat that glows in fabulous colors like Tigerbrite Orange™, Electro Azure™, RadarGlo Green™, 1984 Pink™ and SithRed™!

Your brand new Neon Feline™ will run, jump and meow just like a regular cat, but unlike a plain old kitty, your Neon Feline™ will snuggle up with you at night and serve as your personal biological night light! Collect them all!

If that sounds like BS, that’s because it is.

Obviously.

Likewise, it should only take a second or two to realize the widely disseminated photo of a “snake cat” is a fake rendered by an AI.

The image has all the hallmarks of an AI generated image fail: Anatomical errors, fuzzy pixels where the AI struggled with the way light hits fur, a misshapen head and a nebulous, blurry background.

Although the media seems to be more obsessed with the snake cat hoax than people are (the snake cat image “mystified the internet,” the New York Post claims), after years of witnessing people take Onion stories seriously and confidently repeat misinformation online, I’m not really surprised when something like this makes the rounds.

The image was accompanied by a clever bit of writing claiming the cat isn’t well known because it’s native to the deep jungle of the Amazon, where scientists have difficulty tracking it. The text even offered a taxonomical name for the cryptid animal.

Enough people apparently fell for it that the staff at Snopes felt the need to debunk the image, even going as far as to check with a biologist who specializes in tropical fauna.

The original author of the snake cat post says he created the image and accompanying text to prove how easy it is for people to be fooled by AI-generated fakes. A noble goal if true, but I’m not sure everyone got the message.

In any case, the “snake cat” proves once again that AI, like all innovations, isn’t inherently good or bad. It’s what we do with the technology that counts.

Now can I interest anyone in a brand new Purple Velvet or Flaming Hot Cheetos SnuggleCat™?

Buddy Scores 47 In Knicks’ Route Of Celtics

Knicks commentator Clyde Frazier called Buddy’s performance “a grandilomentitudinous clinic in splendiferousness.”

NEW YORK — With less than four minutes on the clock in the fourth quarter and the Knicks down two, New York point guard Jalen Brunson drove the lane, then kicked the ball out as the defense collapsed, finding an open Buddy the Cat in the corner.

With Boston forward Jason Tatum closing the distance, Buddy slid both feet behind the three-point line and sank a clutch shot, giving the Knicks their first lead since the second quarter.

The Madison Square Garden crowd, already boisterous, launched into a deafening cheer.

“MVP! MVP! MVP!” Knicks fans chanted, dubbing the superstar feline the league’s Meowst Valuable Player.

New York guard RJ Barrett found Buddy with a no-look pass on the next possession and the 10lb cat sailed through traffic toward the rim, banking a layup to put his team up by three.

“Buddy now, driving and conniving, dishing and swishing at the basket,” Knicks color commentator Walt “Clyde” Frazier said. “A serendipitous fourth for the frisky feline.”

Earning defensive stops on the next two possessions, the Knicks extended their lead to six on a three-pointer by forward Julius Randle, forcing the Celtics to foul Buddy on the next possession to stop the Knicks running down the shot clock.

Buddy iced the free throws, then sank another pair after a Boston timeout to give him a career-high 47 points to go with one rebound, eight assists and 11 steals.

buddynba2 — Initially picked in the second round of the 2020 NBA draft, Buddy the Cat has become an impact player and fan favorite.

“If you’re [Knicks coach] Tom Thibodeaux, you’ve gotta like what you’re seeing from Buddy the Cat,” play-by-play man Mike Breen said.

Frazier agreed, piling on the superlatives.

“Buddy’s been magnetic and energetic, giving the Knicks strong two-way play with the matador D and splendiferous form as he displays omnipotence on the offensive end,” Frazier said.

The tabby cat’s career performance earned accolades from Knicks fans and players alike on Twitter.

“Buddy the Cat straight cookin’ the Celtics!” Cavaliers star Donovan Mitchell tweeted.

“Y’all see this cat? Unreal!!!” tweeted Ja Morant, the explosive point guard for the Memphis Grizzlies.

Not every player in the league was impressed, however.

“Let him try that move toward the rim on me,” said Lakers forward Lebron James, who has a 6 foot height advantage on the tabby. “I’ll swat that ball all the way to Chairman Xi’s house in Beijing.”

Frazier, who was the floor general for the Knicks the last time the franchise won an NBA championship in the 1970s, said Buddy is an essential component in the team’s promising core of young players.

“You don’t see a player like that every day, folks,” Frazier said. “A grandilomentitudinous performance that thrillified Knicks fans!”

Buddy is averaging 20.7 points, 0.7 rebounds, 6.5 assists and 6.2 steals per game on the season, and is currently the top-rated player at his position in fantasy basketball rankings.

Cat On The Street: What’s Your Favorite Meal?

“I’ll have the Chilean sea bass.”

Cats come in many different sizes and coat colors, but there’s one thing they all have in common: A love of food. This week we asked nine kitties what their favorite fancy feast is.

“Sea urchin ceviche and smoked duck from Dorsia. Don’t even try, you can’t get a reservation.” – Santorini, 4, Roomba rider

“Human. Haha. Just kidding. I’m partial to Hokkaido Wagyu ribeye or Omi beef filet, lightly pan-seared but still juicy and bloody.” – Dere Khan, 14, jungle ruler

“My human makes a spectacular moussaka just for me, filled with pate and topped with creamy Béchamel sauce that melts in my mouth. Then she feeds me tiramisu.” – Robin, 6 months, good kitten

“Crisp-skinned filet mignon bathed in suculent yuzu kosho, garnished with bacon and served with a side of steak tartare cakes.” – Sammy, 5 months, laser hunter

“Lobster frittata with Sevruga caviar. Nothing too fancy.” – Luisa Rey, 1, catnip quality control tester

“I’ll have the Chilean sea bass, human.” – Hiro, 3 months, nocturnal terror

“Grass-fed Ibérico ham glazed with honey. Such a simple snack, yet so satisfying.” – Stella, 5, cat food commercial model

“I’d have to say the roast swan stuffed with oysters, white beans and bacon. Raw caiman marinated in swamp water would be a close second.” – Xbalanque, 7 months, reincarnated jaguar deity

“Rack of lamb baked in a crust of garlic and herbs, fermented mare’s milk, buttered snails and fried goose liver. Humble fare, to be sure, but my human is a capable cook.” – Stay Puft, 11, book shop cat