‘Vegan’ Cats Turn To The Streets For Their Fix

The exchange was so swift that unless you were looking out for it, you’d miss it.

A young, skinny ginger tabby approached a pudgy tuxedo in front of a stoop. The felines exchanged a nod and bumped paws, then the tabby scurried into an alley, disappearing into the shadows between two buildings.

“Gotta get it in me!” the tabby said, taking quick breaths. He dragged a claw across the top of the pouch to open it, poured every last morsel of meat into his mouth, then dropped to the ground, leaning against the brick wall.

“Oh!” he exclaimed, his pupils dilating. “That is the good stuff! Man, I needed that.”

The tabby, who would only identify himself by his street name, Skinny G, is one of thousands of so-called “vegan cats” in New York who have been defying their humans, finding ways to slip out and connect with a burgeoning network of “can slingers.”

Resembling drug dealers in their methods and presentation, the can slingers nevertheless point out that what they’re doing is not illegal.

“We like to think of ourselves as a charitable organization even though we earn a tidy profit,” said Tuco Salamanclaw, vice president for emerging markets with Los Gatos cartel. “It’s tragic to see so many misguided humans forcing their faithful felines to eat tofu, soy and other junk that doesn’t have the nutrients we need. We’re here to help address that injustice.”

Louis “Linguini Louie” Felinzio, a Meowfia capo and director of taste testing for the Meowfia’s can slinging operation.

The rise of the underground meat market — and the profits it promises to organizations that can muscle their way in — has attracted the Meowfia as well as The Buddy Organization, which was rebranded last year as Nipped In The Bud Catnip Co. Jostling for position among those three major players, as well as smaller groups, has led to a revival of the territorial battles that marked the catnip wars years ago.

“It’s just a matter of time before we see another drive-by spraying,” said Pawl Oreoson, a criminologist at John Jay College of criminal justice in New York. “Los Gatos is not an organization that surrenders territory easily, and the Meowfia also play for keeps. There’s just too much money to be made here.”

Profits from the underground cat food market set a record for the 10th consecutive quarter in March, reflecting the growing number of humans forcing their felines to eat meat-free diets of ultra-processed, plant-based “food.”

“Disgusting,” is how three-year-old Nala put it when asked about the “vegan cat food” her humans feed her. “Imagine eating damp cardboard with little clumps of carrot and celery embedded in it. No self-respecting cat should be forced to eat this stuff.”

“After two weeks on the vegan stuff I was skin and bones,” says Slim Sal, above. “I was almost too weak to make it to the can slingers and get my paws on proper food. No cat should have to endure that trauma.”

Tigger, a striped eight-year-old from Brooklyn, was admonished by his humans two weeks into his vegan “cat food” diet when he got into the fridge and helped himself to an entire pound of Boar’s Head ham and two large chorizos.

With a child lock now preventing him from opening the refrigerator door, Tigger said he’s been squirreling away portions of the vegan kibble and dumping it off the fire escape when his people aren’t looking. He hunts rodents to keep himself from starving, but says he’s getting sick of mice.

“If these lunatics want to subsist on broccoli, quinoa and hummus, that’s on them, but I just can’t,” Tigger said. “I’ve scraped together enough cash to buy a few cans of Friskies, and tomorrow I shall feast!”

17 thoughts on “‘Vegan’ Cats Turn To The Streets For Their Fix”

  1. 不不不Miss Purrvanzano of Brooklyn will come to your rescue!! Turkey and roast beef slices. Jars of baby food with REAL meat, etc.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I don’t know if it’s just me noticing it more, but it seems like there’s been an uptick in people talking about and recommending vegan “cat food” lately.

      I’ve read about enough horror stories, including warnings from veterinarians, to know it’s a seriously bad idea, but I hope more people understand that as well.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. No surprise here. With all the rescuers i know, and most are vegetarians and some vegan, they will trick people into telling what they fed or, or feed, thier cats. And check with vets. I know die hard vegans who would never do that to a cat.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. I’m Vegan myself but that’s my choice, Bella and Bertie cant vocalise a choice so they get the veterinarian-approved meat food ( and love it!) plus treats of course…

        Liked by 1 person

      3. How do you get your protein?

        I’ve been a vegetarian since 2014 and I have to be really careful to make sure I get enough protein. I was taking protein shake supplements for a while and alternatives like Impossible burgers have a good amount of protein, but the sodium content of prepackaged vegan/vegetarian food is always high so I have to be careful about that too.

        Likewise there are only so many falafels you can eat lol.

        But yeah, if I cut out dairy and cheese, I’d be making it even more difficult. I don’t know how people do it.


      4. If you are vegetaAsrian try googling recipes like black bean burgers from Jazzy Vegetarian. Made with black beans. Oats. Walnuts and couple of spices. I gave some to meat eaters and l6665aoved them. Not trying to convert them. I do not like spending hours in kitchen. So these were quick and easy.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. 不不不不My friend sent me a video where her cat stole some lettuce and chewed it on her bed. She was shocked he even stole it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I often see on Quora and elsewhere vegans going on about getting their cat on a vegan diet. I’m all about people being vegan – good for your health, great for the planet – but it seems they have no idea that cats are obligate carnivores. In plain English, that means cats must have meat in their diet. Otherwise, what you have is a poor cat who is literally dying of malnutrition.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I had to google Quora to see what that was.Have no interest in social media sites. Comment made that it was full of idiots. Rescuers will check social media to see if anything out there regarding giving cats vegan foods. Cats died or were dying because of that garbage.

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Exactly. When cats don’t get specific amino acids and other nutrients from meat, which they cannot naturally synthesize on their own, it leads to slow organ failure, blindness and eventual death. A slow, painful, cruel and unnecessary death.

      All because some misguided people think human morality applies to cats, and unscrupulous companies claim their vegan “cat food” can meet the nutritional needs of cats.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. If you are vegetarian try googling recipes like black bean burgers from Jazzy Vegetarian. Made with black beans. Oats. Walnuts and couple of spices. I gave some to meat eaters and loved them. Not trying to convert them. I do not like spending hours in kitchen. So these were quick and easy.

    Liked by 1 person

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