UK’s Elusive ‘Big Cats’ Turn Out To Be Buddy Playing Pranks, Police Say

GLOUCESTERSHIRE, United Kingdom — The alleged phenomena of big cats stalking the forests and outskirts of villages in the UK turned out to be a hoax this week after authorities caught an American feline planting “evidence” near the A40.

The perpetrator, who goes by the names Buddy the Cat, Kinich Bajo, The Buddinese Tiger and several other monikers, was spotted at the edge of the Forest of Dean using a ladder to create claw marks at roughly tiger height, Detective Inspector Alistair Clarke said.

When he realized he’d been made, the gray tabby cat yelled “Oh shit!” then bolted down the ladder and into the forest, Clarke told reporters.

Police called in a K9 unit, which was able to track a trail of crumbs and discarded turkey bones to a clearing where authorities discovered non-toxic black paint, a fog machine and a copy of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 1977 docudrama Pumping Iron.

“It’s our belief that the suspect painted himself black, played prerecorded clips of various big cat roars, then posed menacingly amid the fog for the benefit of locals, mostly drunks stumbling out of local pubs,” Clarke said. “Choosing inveterate drunks as his primary witnesses ensured the resulting smartphone camera footage would be grainy, shaky and inconclusive, adding to the legend and mystique of phantom big cats in the countryside.”

Puma pub
Buddy in costume in late 2022, after parading himself in front of a group of heavily intoxicated people leaving a pub. Credit: PITB

Asked by a reporter whether Buddy’s dedication to weightlifting contributed to locals misidentifying him as a big cat, Clarke shook his head.

“We don’t think so, no,” he said. “Despite his apparent obsession with bulking up and the 63 bottles of protein powder we recovered, the suspect remains a tiny little stinker, which is why he carefully revealed himself only to the thoroughly inebriated.”

Buddy the Cat remained in a local lock-up awaiting extradition back to the US. His human told reporters the feline hadn’t said much about his predicament.

“He’s complained loudly about the food and said the British should be thanking him for increasing tourism to southern England, but other than that he’s kept a lid on his thoughts,” Big Buddy said.

Buddy in costume II
Buddy is seen here patrolling the UK countryside after painting himself black, prompting several calls to the police. Credit: PITB

In the meantime, the South Carolina state police forensics division and detectives from several US police departments have been in contact with UK authorities after similarities emerged between the fake big cat sightings and a series of bizarre crop circles in the US.

“We also found turkey bones and crumbs scattered around the crop circles, but at the time our working theory was that we were dealing with aliens who had a taste for turkey,” said one law enforcement official, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Now we believe our cases may be connected to the UK hoax.”

“Lads, that’s a panther, innit? A panther, wow!” Credit: PITB

11 thoughts on “UK’s Elusive ‘Big Cats’ Turn Out To Be Buddy Playing Pranks, Police Say”

  1. Thank you, Big Buddy, for your hilarious reports on the Little Buddy’s latest antics. I got big laughs over the little guy’s efforts to hoodwink the public. Please tell Little Buddy I appreciate his mischievous ways.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Buddy is always welcome in the UK. As a fellow covert operative, Bella says the deportation is simply a PR exercise to show the public that all is well and there are no big cats in the area. Mi5 has issued a statement stating that “whilst things looking like muscle-bound cats may have been seen in the area – it’s simply a military exercise with special new stealth equipment and nothing to worry about” This has led to a tremendous uplift in tourism in the UK mostly from conspiracy theorists and Area 51 fans. Bella can of course confirm that the “special relationship” with his Buddiness is firm and unshakeable and sure that he understands the need for PR in these circumstances. She looks forward to her next mission with Buddy and has the Turkey Yums on standby

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s exactly Buddy’s point. He was merely helping the good people of the UK by selflessly contributing to the local folklore with his “hoax.” After all, who’s to say he’s not a big cat? He’s been lifting weights!

      You know he cannot resist turkey, so I’m sure he’ll find an excuse to return to the UK soon.

      Liked by 1 person

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