Buddy – Page 11 – Pain In The Bud

Buddy The Cat Offers The World Cuddles: ‘In These Times Of Strife, People Need Hugs’

“I’ve noticed everyone’s super stressed lately,” Buddy said. “People need hugs. I’m fluffy and adorable. It’s the perfect solution.”

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat announced the launch of a new program, Hugs From Buddy, to “help the humans calm down a little bit, because things have gotten crazy.”

The normally mercurial tabby cat, whose concerns are typically limited to his own gastronomical satisfaction with meals and snacks, said he had the idea for Hugs From Buddy after watching the movie Civil War with his human and seeing footage of police and students clashing on college campuses.

“The world is crazy right now,” Buddy told reporters at a press conference in Manhattan. “War in Ukraine, Haiti, Gaza and Syria. People punching strangers on the street for Youtube ‘pranks.’ Protesters and police clashing. People threatening to kill one another, banning books they haven’t even read, Karening each other in the grocery store, brawling on passenger flights. Even dogs, bless those simple-minded beings, seem stressed!”

Buddy the Handsome Cat — Buddy the Cat is offering hugs to anyone who needs them!

Buddy paused to address a bystander who was holding a pepperoni pizza.

“You gonna eat that? Here, give Buddy a slice, I’ll give you a hug,” he said, embracing the young woman before returning to the podium with a slice of pizza.

“Where was I?” he asked, chewing thoughtfully. “Oh! Right. The crazy, stressed out humans.”

He belched, then continued.

“I’m here today to offer myself up as the nation’s emotional support animal. If you’re in need of a hug or a snuggle, well, Little Buddy’s got you covered.”

Then he looked to the reporters, who were seated six or seven rows deep for the press conference.

“Look under your seats!” he said excitedly as the journalists mumbled in surprise, finding small gift-wrapped boxes there. “You, the young lady from CBS News! You get a hug! You, the angry guy from InfoWars! You get a hug! BBC, you get a hug too! You all get hugs!”

The press conference was supplemented with an announcement of a $20 million television ad buy publicizing the Hugs From Buddy program, as well as a new site where the angry and stressed can log on, request a hug from Buddy, and make travel arrangements to bring him to their cities.

Reaction to the announcement was mixed.

A panel on Real Time with Bill Mahar concluded Buddy was sincere, trying to be helpful, and “absolutely adorable.”

But in a statement issued later Friday, catnip cartel Los Gatos International accused the New York feline of “shameless self-promotion, which he will undoubtedly parlay into goodwill for his own catnip empire,” while former Fox News host Tucker Carlson declared Buddy a threat to national security.

“Buddy the Cat is a dangerous tiger in kitten’s clothing,” Carlson declared on his X show as a chyron scrolled below with the headline: “IS BUDDY THE CAT WORKING FOR TERRORISTS?”

Tucker Carlson: Buddy A Bad Guy? — Former Fox News host Tucker Carlson wasn’t convinced of the feline’s supposedly noble intentions.

“You might say Buddy the Cat is a danger to America, softening us up at precisely the time when we need to be tough to fight China, North Korea, Iran, the school board of Boise, Idaho, Taylor Swift, and the WNBA,” Carlson said, pounding a fist on his desk. “Up next, a conversation with Nick Fuentes. But first: Is Buddy the Cat a Chinese operative? Is he an agent of anti-American cat ladies who want us all to be hummus-eating vegans? Why does he ignore the beauty of the Moscow subway system? And is there any truth to the rumor that he’s working with the San-Ti from 3 Body Problem to help them invade Earth? Just asking questions here, folks. Nothing wrong with that.”

Buddy Celebrates New Status As ‘Senior’ Kitty

Senior cats enjoy perks and membership in secret clubs, Buddy the Cat recently learned.

NEW YORK — Most don’t like to hear they’re entering their golden years, but Buddy the Cat welcomed the news this week as he approached his 10th birthday and was informed he’s now a “senior kitty.”

“That’s great!” he said, according to sources. “It’s about time I get some seniority around here!”

Sources say the gray tabby believes he’s been promoted in rank and has been anticipating the perks he believes his new seniority grants him, speculating that it will lead to more frequent catnip nights, better spots on the couch, more delicious meals and the ability to boss around other cats.

“I got a beautiful pamphlet from the AARC (American Association of Retired Cats) that says I’m entitled to early bird dinners and invited to bingo nights now that I’ve achieved senior cat rank!” Buddy enthusiastically told reporters. “It’s like having VIP access to events. There’s a whole world of secret gatherings and clubs I wasn’t previously aware of.”

Buddy the Senior Kitten — Buddy ponders his new seniority

Despite his years, Buddy retains his kitten-like enthusiasm and still sounds like a mewing baby, but says his seniority has afforded him a deeper appreciation for a slower pace of life with more naps and fewer outbreaks of the zooms, in which he ricochets around his domicile like a screeching pinball.

“As a senior feline I’m expected to maintain a certain decorum befitting my station,” he explained.

Although he’s pleased by his new status, Buddy said he hasn’t been thrilled with the social aspect.

“I imagined high-ranking cats would party and enjoy the fine things in life,” he said. “I mean, we’re OGs, right? Instead, they mostly complain about joint pain and watch Wheel of Fortune. It’s weird.”

Senior Cats — Senior cats have their own exclusive private club, the community center, where they host wild bingo parties and stay up until all hours, sometimes as late as 7

As of press time, Buddy said he was looking into investing in gold and was considering a stair lift system after watching several hundred commercials in which the devices were described as “essential.”

“As a matter of fact, I’m gonna buy my first gold bullion this afternoon,” he said, “after telling these kittens to get off my lawn!”

Who’s Scared Of Earthquakes? Not Buddy The Cat!

“Oh, did the Earth shake? I hardly noticed?” Buddy remarked.

So apparently the crinkling of a paper bag is terrifying, but the Earth shaking is no big deal.

The New York area experienced a 4.8-magnitude earthquake today. For a fleeting moment I thought maybe some idiot had hit the building with a tractor trailer or something, but as the rumbles continued I realized it had to be natural. Only Mother Nature has that kind of power.

I looked over at Bud, expecting to hear a terrified whimper any second, but he was just laying on my bed with his head up, annoyed that he’d been woken up.

His eyes met mine and I got the sense he was asking me: “Are we good here? Do I have to get up and run around screaming, or is this merely a rude interruption of my nap?”

“Good boy,” I said, trying to show him I wasn’t scared either.

In truth I was, just a bit. I suppose there must have been earthquakes around here in my childhood, but I can’t remember them. Even though this one was on the lower range of the Richter scale, as I’d later learn, when you’re not accustomed to earthquakes there’s a moment of surprise and understanding when you realize, for all our tech and the leaps we’ve taken as a species, we are ultimately powerless against forces like this.

It’s a feeling you’ll never get from seeing an earthquake on TV. You have to feel the ground shake to appreciate your own powerlessness.

In any case, this was definitely Bud’s first earthquake and I’m proud of the little guy. If you’d asked me before today how he’d likely respond, I would not have guessed he would be stoic.

We salute you, brave little man!

Happy Easter From The Easter Buddy!

It’s that time of year when Buddy sprouts huge rabbit ears and becomes a cabbit– a hybrid cat-rabbit — for exactly 24 hours.

Although he’s preoccupied with thoughts that he probably tastes delicious, the Easter Buddy would like to wish all of you a Happy Easter!

The Budster and I would like to thank all of PITB’s readers, and we hope you’re getting to spend some time with your family if you celebrate Easter.

NY Cat Eats At The Table With His Humans, Plus: More Kittens And Climate Change!

A cat eating at the table with his humans? Let’s hope Bud doesn’t get any ideas!

File this under “Information that must be hidden from Buddy at all cost, lest he get ideas.”

Franklin, a cat who lives in Brooklyn, has gone from fending for himself on the streets of New York to a very comfortable indoor existence with two humans who are happy to let him sit at the table with them for meals. Bowls? Pfffft. Franklin drinks from his own glass:

Franklin the cat — Credit: Andrea and Alice via Newsweek

As the dutiful servant to a cat who most definitely believes he’s a human — or should have all the privileges and none of the responsibilities of one — this makes me uneasy. If Bud were to somehow find out about this, all hell would break loose and before I know it he’ll be demanding custom cutlery and a silk pillow on which to rest his behind and elevate him to the level of the table.

As a vegetarian I don’t necessarily have to worry about Bud eating my food, but he sure does love sticking his face in it and giving it an exploratory lick or three.

“Is that…? Dude, let me in there, I just wanna stick my face in your mashed potatoes and confirm I don’t like them,” I imagine him saying. “Yep. Still don’t like them. Oh stop being so dramatic, you can pick the fur out!”

A reasonable take on the kitten/climate change claims

The Grist has a new story about the alleged connection between an “increase” in kittens and climate change, and while it unfortunately links to one of the bunk studies that uses meta-analysis to make wild claims about feline impact on the environment, it does include the most measured and reasonable take so far on the claims:

“Others, like Peter J. Wolf, a senior strategist at the Best Friends Animal Society, think the increase comes down to visibility rather than anything biological. As the weather warms, Wolf said people may be getting out more and noticing kittens earlier in the year than before. Then they bring them into shelters, resulting in rescue groups feeling like kitten season is starting earlier.”

As we noted on Sunday, the claim that there are more kittens, or that kitten season is longer, is entirely dependent on anecdotal evidence. Unfortunately no one has any data for baseline population numbers when it comes to cats in the US, let alone historical data that allows us to say there are more kittens born in recent years.

The best we’ve got is the excellent but single-city DC Cat Count, and to establish a convincing link between climate change and kittens we’d not only need hard data, but we’d also need to eliminate dozens of other potential factors like ever-increasing light pollution, urban heat islands and wave effects from 2020, when society went into lockdown and animals were mostly left to their own devices.

Once again, there’s only one measurement that really matters in the end, and that’s the number of cats euthanized annually because there aren’t homes for them. Spaying/neutering and education efforts have driven that number down dramatically over the past 20 years, and ultimately that’s the best solution we have.