turkey – Page 8 – Pain In The Bud

Pawtriotic Americats: Vote For Buddy!

Former President Buddy wants your vote as he makes another bid for president of the Americats.

Now that Buddy’s officially announced his candidacy to regain his rightful post as President of the Americats, his campaign is in full swing and it’s all-in on classic Americata and Americat imagery.

Buddy, who was narrowly defeated by Purrsident Joe Bitin’ in 2020, then banned from the social media platform Meower after claiming Los Gatos criminal gang was at the forefront of a conspiracy to deny him a second term, criticized his opponent’s age, record and culinary preferences as he took questions from reporters.

Asked by a reporter for Cat Broadcasting Corporation (CBS) how he would approach a rematch with Bitin’, Buddy said he’d take a paws-off approach.

“I don’t need to defeat Joe Bitin’,” Buddy said. “Time is doing it for me. He eats senior kibble. He needs little stairs just to get into the litter box. He thinks it’s 1992. I mean, come on.”

That prompted a reaction from CNN’s (Cat News Network) Panderson Pooper, who pointed out there are health concerns about the former president himself. Photos printed by the New York Lunchtimes showed Buddy on a golf course, his stomach jiggling as he teed off on a par three at New York’s Westchester Country Club.

Asked about his weight, the former president became incensed.

“For the millionth time, I am NOT fat! That’s pure meowscle!” he insisted. “I just look a little floofy because I’ve got a longer coat on my underside, a-and, and a prominent primordial pouch, which I like to call a warrior’s pouch because it exists to protect the vitals of true warrior felines. Like me, of course.”

Buddy visited the Iowa State Fair over the weekend, where he mingled with Americats, helped judge a dance competition, and chowed down on cheesesteaks, fried Oreos, fried turkey legs, fried chicken, hot dogs, hamburgers, chili, hot wings and ice cream. His campaign staff had to repeatedly redirect him away from food stalls and toward potential voters.

Buddy’s primary rival, Florida Gov. John DeSpamis, also worked the crowds at the Fair, but the two cats never came face to face.

Instead, Buddy turned to his own social media network to fire off messages critical of his rival, whom he calls Meatball John.

“Meatball is dead in the water, folks! Polling 40% behind me. Sad!” Buddy wrote. “If only he had stayed in his lane, I might have considered him for Secretary of Yums or put him in charge of toys. But that ship has sailed, so now Meatball will pad back down to Florida with his tail between his legs. Sad!”

Buddy’s nex scheduled campaign stop will take him to the New Hampshire State Fair, where his campaign staff faces a significant challenge in keeping him away from corn dogs, bacon sandwiches, roast turkey and his favorite, turkey fried in a crust of Flaming Hot Cheetos.

New Crypto Currency ‘BuddyCoin’ Takes Financial World By Storm

Buddy the Cat tries his paw at cryptocurrency in his latest scheme to get more turkey and become filthy rich.

NEW YORK — Despite recent volatility in the cryptocurrency market, investors are rushing back thanks to the newest and most promising digital currency, BuddyCoin.

“Buddy coin, like, leverages assets and annuities and stuff, and then it takes advantage of cyberbond yields in the arbitrage market to leverage incredible profits,” Buddy the Cat explained during a conference call with investors.

Whereas other coins were tethered to startups run by tech bros or susceptible to major price fluctuations dependent on the banking industry, BuddyCoin was “built from the ground up to be resilient,” its founder said.

“We empower our clients by highlighting our core competency through scalable synergies, giving us the bandwidth to grow our brand and our coins,” the gray tabby cat said. “This leads to enormous profits because, like, they get more profitable and stuff. We pride ourselves on our ability to drill down into the financials, taking a deep dive via blue sky thinking and, uh, synergize and streamline the efficiencies in emerging markets through our product.”

Buddy Coin Crypto — BuddyCoin has been the hottest cryptocurrency of late, turning Buddy into the world’s first feline crypto king.

Buddy, who serves as founder and CEO of BuddyCoin’s parent company, Money4Buddy (MFB/Nasdaq), has been clearing hurdles to buy the largest turkey farm in North America and has been actively courting investors to help bankroll his attempt to take over several major players in the pet food and poultry markets.

The business-minded feline has also accrued assets in laser technology, a company that manufactures can openers, and several nutritional supplements labs, which have been repurposed to research supplements intended for felines despite market analysts saying there is little to no demand.

“When’s the last time you saw a cat lifting weights or running on a treadmill?” said one analyst who spoke on condition of anonymity.

A market expert from another firm cast doubt on the future of BuddyCoin.

“Have you heard Buddy talk about this stuff?” the cryptocurrency analyst asked. “None of it makes any sense. This is clearly a scam by a well-fed cat to become even more well-fed.”

Buddy ended his call with investors by trying to rally them to his cause.

“BuddyCoin is only going to get more valuable because we leverage our key priorities to push the envelope with lots of moving parts, which helps grow our portfolios,” he said. “Also, I really like turkey, so give me your money. Thank you.”

Above: Paper currency from the feline world: A 10 cat dollar note, top left, a 00 cat dollar note, etc. Unlike human currency, cat dollars come in every conceivable denomination because cats don’t have pockets to carry change.

He Is…The Most Interesting Cat In The World

Buddy prepares to become the new face of an iconic ad campaign.

Big things are happening within the Buddyverse, my friends, and to give you a taste of what’s to come, here’s a short audio clip of a new campaign featuring Buddy, who has signed a deal to become a beer spokesman. (Terms of the deal were not disclosed, but reports claim a significant sum of catnip and beer changed hands.)

Buddy’s deal involves four ad spots, which will be released over the coming weeks.

Stay thirsty, my friends.

UK’s Elusive ‘Big Cats’ Turn Out To Be Buddy Playing Pranks, Police Say

The American feline has also been linked to the appearance of crop circles in several US states.

GLOUCESTERSHIRE, United Kingdom — The alleged phenomena of big cats stalking the forests and outskirts of villages in the UK turned out to be a hoax this week after authorities caught an American feline planting “evidence” near the A40.

The perpetrator, who goes by the names Buddy the Cat, Kinich Bajo, The Buddinese Tiger and several other monikers, was spotted at the edge of the Forest of Dean using a ladder to create claw marks at roughly tiger height, Detective Inspector Alistair Clarke said.

When he realized he’d been made, the gray tabby cat yelled “Oh shit!” then bolted down the ladder and into the forest, Clarke told reporters.

Police called in a K9 unit, which was able to track a trail of crumbs and discarded turkey bones to a clearing where authorities discovered non-toxic black paint, a fog machine and a copy of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 1977 docudrama Pumping Iron.

“It’s our belief that the suspect painted himself black, played prerecorded clips of various big cat roars, then posed menacingly amid the fog for the benefit of locals, mostly drunks stumbling out of local pubs,” Clarke said. “Choosing inveterate drunks as his primary witnesses ensured the resulting smartphone camera footage would be grainy, shaky and inconclusive, adding to the legend and mystique of phantom big cats in the countryside.”

Puma pub — Buddy in costume in late 2022, after parading himself in front of a group of heavily intoxicated people leaving a pub. Credit: PITB

Asked by a reporter whether Buddy’s dedication to weightlifting contributed to locals misidentifying him as a big cat, Clarke shook his head.

“We don’t think so, no,” he said. “Despite his apparent obsession with bulking up and the 63 bottles of protein powder we recovered, the suspect remains a tiny little stinker, which is why he carefully revealed himself only to the thoroughly inebriated.”

Buddy the Cat remained in a local lock-up awaiting extradition back to the US. His human told reporters the feline hadn’t said much about his predicament.

“He’s complained loudly about the food and said the British should be thanking him for increasing tourism to southern England, but other than that he’s kept a lid on his thoughts,” Big Buddy said.

Buddy in costume II — Buddy is seen here patrolling the UK countryside after painting himself black, prompting several calls to the police. Credit: PITB

In the meantime, the South Carolina state police forensics division and detectives from several US police departments have been in contact with UK authorities after similarities emerged between the fake big cat sightings and a series of bizarre crop circles in the US.

“We also found turkey bones and crumbs scattered around the crop circles, but at the time our working theory was that we were dealing with aliens who had a taste for turkey,” said one law enforcement official, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Now we believe our cases may be connected to the UK hoax.”

Panther! — “Lads, that’s a panther, innit? A panther, wow!” Credit: PITB

Dear Buddy: How Much For Buddy?

Buddy receives an offer, but is the buyer interested in purchasing him or his human servant?

Dear Buddy the Greater,

I would like to purchase Buddy the Lesser. Is he for sale? If so, how many rubles will it take to pry him away from you?

Most sincerely,

Vladimir Mewtin, presidential cat of Glorious Motherland

Dear Vladimir,

I may be willing to part with him, but we don’t take rubles, just good old ‘Merican greenbacks here! I’m warning you, the price will be steep, but if you’re serious, I think we can work out a deal.

Buddy

Dearest Buddy,

My heart sang with the glory of Mother Russia when I read your correspondence. Would $50,000 be acceptable recompense for parting with Buddy the Lesser? Also, what does he eat? Is he an affectionate cuddler? Does he like to play games?

Most sincerely,

Vladimir Mewtin, presidential cat of Glorious Motherland

Vlady,

I thought you were serious, dude. Pretend this is eBay and the starting bid is $200,000.

Buddy the Lesser is a vegetarian and has been for more than six years now. He’s more or less affectionate, and he does play games, sometimes too much. I don’t like it when he’s on the computer and the only scritches to be had are absent-minded scritches.

Holler at me if you got the cash,

Buddy

Dearest Buddy,

How is this possible? A cat who is a vegetarian? I am most happy to learn he is affectionate and he enjoys games, but surely no feline can subsist and remain healthy on vegetables and fruits alone. I cannot pay $200,000 for a cat in good conscience if he’s likely to be malnourished, no matter how dashing and handsome he is.

Most sincerely,

Vladimir Mewton

Vlady,

No, no, no! I’m the cat. Buddy the Greater, aka Little Buddy. That’s me. You asked about Buddy the Lesser, aka Big Buddy. That’s my human. I assure you, I eat nothing but the finest turkey and other meats, but I am not for sale!

Now you have to understand, any deal we strike will have to include a replacement human to see to my own needs, okay Vlady? Don’t try to pull a fast one on me either: I want an American human who understands meows in American, is easily manipulated by my yowling and takes his servantly duties seriously.

(Above: Acceptable.)

I don’t have time to teach the American language to a Russian servant, nor am I inclined to instruct a Russian in the subtleties of American meowing. Unless…unless we’re talking about female Russians, gorgeous women with names like Alina, Tatiana and Katya who will spoil me, feed me candied figs and allow me to use their bosoms as pillows. That might be kinda cool.

No Siberia either! Tatiana must come to New York, or Novvy Yorkova as you call it.

Let me know if those terms are amenable to you.

Buddy

Vlady,

Where’d you go, dude? Dammit, why does everyone cut off contact when I try to sell my human?