Feline Overlords – Page 16

Feline Purrpaganda II: Posters To Inspire You To Serve Your Furry Masters

The High Ministry of Yums has seen fit to offer additional motivational posters to ensure obeisance and compliance among our human servants.

Comrades,

It has come to the attention of the High Ministry of Yums that our previous motivational posters increased snack-bestowing by 176 percent and resulted in improved quality of service from our human servants.

In the interest of furthering the felino-human partnership, particularly the aspect of it in which humans dote on felines, we offer the following posters, newly commissioned and approved by the Secretary of Yums himself.

For the glory of the meowtherland!

“The revolution shall be delicious.” – Dear Leader Buddy, “Reflections At Mealtime”

“Glory is the reward for humans who provide snacks in abundance.” -Dear Leader Buddy, “Quotations”

KOMRADE KITTY — “Admiration for your feline superior must be expressed in affection and confections, preferably crunchy with a soft, meaty center.”

1681163374879 — In honor of our storied forbears, this motivational poster is classically styled.

final(371) — “VALAR DOHAERYS” means “All men must serve” in High Valyrian. What could be more appropriate?

final(382) — “To each cat, his share of snacks.” – Chairman Meow, ‘Five Harmonies of Treat Distribution’

final(396) — A reminder to your humans that obeisance is compulsory.

Comrades who wish to print these posters for the edification of their humans are welcome to do so. Right click > Save, then open and print.

If the spirit of communal yums should strike you and inspire you to share these motivational messages, kindly credit and link this site.

May you be showered with delectable tokens of your human’s unending loyalty!

End communication.

-30-

Dear Buddy: How Much For Buddy?

Buddy receives an offer, but is the buyer interested in purchasing him or his human servant?

Dear Buddy the Greater,

I would like to purchase Buddy the Lesser. Is he for sale? If so, how many rubles will it take to pry him away from you?

Most sincerely,

Vladimir Mewtin, presidential cat of Glorious Motherland

Dear Vladimir,

I may be willing to part with him, but we don’t take rubles, just good old ‘Merican greenbacks here! I’m warning you, the price will be steep, but if you’re serious, I think we can work out a deal.

Buddy

Dearest Buddy,

My heart sang with the glory of Mother Russia when I read your correspondence. Would $50,000 be acceptable recompense for parting with Buddy the Lesser? Also, what does he eat? Is he an affectionate cuddler? Does he like to play games?

Most sincerely,

Vladimir Mewtin, presidential cat of Glorious Motherland

Vlady,

I thought you were serious, dude. Pretend this is eBay and the starting bid is $200,000.

Buddy the Lesser is a vegetarian and has been for more than six years now. He’s more or less affectionate, and he does play games, sometimes too much. I don’t like it when he’s on the computer and the only scritches to be had are absent-minded scritches.

Holler at me if you got the cash,

Buddy

Dearest Buddy,

How is this possible? A cat who is a vegetarian? I am most happy to learn he is affectionate and he enjoys games, but surely no feline can subsist and remain healthy on vegetables and fruits alone. I cannot pay $200,000 for a cat in good conscience if he’s likely to be malnourished, no matter how dashing and handsome he is.

Most sincerely,

Vladimir Mewton

Vlady,

No, no, no! I’m the cat. Buddy the Greater, aka Little Buddy. That’s me. You asked about Buddy the Lesser, aka Big Buddy. That’s my human. I assure you, I eat nothing but the finest turkey and other meats, but I am not for sale!

Now you have to understand, any deal we strike will have to include a replacement human to see to my own needs, okay Vlady? Don’t try to pull a fast one on me either: I want an American human who understands meows in American, is easily manipulated by my yowling and takes his servantly duties seriously.

(Above: Acceptable.)

I don’t have time to teach the American language to a Russian servant, nor am I inclined to instruct a Russian in the subtleties of American meowing. Unless…unless we’re talking about female Russians, gorgeous women with names like Alina, Tatiana and Katya who will spoil me, feed me candied figs and allow me to use their bosoms as pillows. That might be kinda cool.

No Siberia either! Tatiana must come to New York, or Novvy Yorkova as you call it.

Let me know if those terms are amenable to you.

Buddy

Vlady,

Where’d you go, dude? Dammit, why does everyone cut off contact when I try to sell my human?

Cat Home Alone Realizes His Humans Are Watching Him On Camera, And He’s NOT Happy About It

Coco the cat was caught going through the kitchen cabinets, but he had the last laugh.

The internet has so many cat videos that an episode of Netflix’s Love, Death + Robots imagined future archaeologists poking through the ruins of our civilization and concluding the global communications system was built specifically so people could share images of felines.

But out of the millions that exist, this instantly became one of our favorites thanks to its star, a mischievous cat named Coco, and his unambiguous reaction when he realizes he’s being watched by his humans even when they’re not home.

Coco the cat — As far as Coco’s concerned, toilet paper is for shredding. Credit: Emily Chaplin

Coco “loves opening cabinets and sleeping in them, getting his own food out of the cabinets when it is dinner time and shredding paper towels when he is bored,” according to one of his servants, Emily Chaplin. The little guy was home alone one day and in the kitchen when he opened a cabinet door as usual.

“Excuse me, sir, what are you doing?” Chaplin’s husband asked through the camera’s microphone when he spotted the rascally feline already halfway into the cabinet.

A shocked Coco backed out of the cabinet, turning toward the sound in disbelief.

“Coco, get out of there!” Chaplin’s husband added.

At first it looked like Coco would be obedient, but shortly afterward his face appeared right in front of the camera — looking none too pleased — and he gave it a hard paw-smack, knocking it from its perch and restoring Coco’s privacy from snooping, meddling humans.

“He knocked the camera down! He was upset that we were watching him,” Chaplin told The Dodo. “My husband and I were hysterical [reviewing the footage]!”

Cat On The Street: What’s Your Favorite Meal?

“I’ll have the Chilean sea bass.”

Cats come in many different sizes and coat colors, but there’s one thing they all have in common: A love of food. This week we asked nine kitties what their favorite fancy feast is.

“Sea urchin ceviche and smoked duck from Dorsia. Don’t even try, you can’t get a reservation.” – Santorini, 4, Roomba rider

“Human. Haha. Just kidding. I’m partial to Hokkaido Wagyu ribeye or Omi beef filet, lightly pan-seared but still juicy and bloody.” – Dere Khan, 14, jungle ruler

“My human makes a spectacular moussaka just for me, filled with pate and topped with creamy Béchamel sauce that melts in my mouth. Then she feeds me tiramisu.” – Robin, 6 months, good kitten

“Crisp-skinned filet mignon bathed in suculent yuzu kosho, garnished with bacon and served with a side of steak tartare cakes.” – Sammy, 5 months, laser hunter

“Lobster frittata with Sevruga caviar. Nothing too fancy.” – Luisa Rey, 1, catnip quality control tester

“I’ll have the Chilean sea bass, human.” – Hiro, 3 months, nocturnal terror

“Grass-fed Ibérico ham glazed with honey. Such a simple snack, yet so satisfying.” – Stella, 5, cat food commercial model

“I’d have to say the roast swan stuffed with oysters, white beans and bacon. Raw caiman marinated in swamp water would be a close second.” – Xbalanque, 7 months, reincarnated jaguar deity

“Rack of lamb baked in a crust of garlic and herbs, fermented mare’s milk, buttered snails and fried goose liver. Humble fare, to be sure, but my human is a capable cook.” – Stay Puft, 11, book shop cat

Toss Another Log On The Fire, Will You, Servant?

It’s damn cold out, and Buddy’s not having it!

“What?!? We don’t have a fireplace?

Is that not a contingency you should have planned for, as part of your servantly duties to me, Buddy the Cat, First of His Name, Ruler of the Apartmental Realm, Distinguished Former President of the Americats, Prime Despiser of Vacuum the Infernal Wizard, Connoisseur of Turkey and Magnificent Buddinese Tiger?

It’s six degrees out! Even with the heater and the space heater, it feels like we’re in a refrigerator!

Ah, yes, I’ve helped myself to your seat. You snooze, you lose. It’s warm with your butt-heat, see, and besides, which seat is mine if not the one I’ve scratched approximately 20,000 times to the point where the fake leather is literally flaking off?

What are you doing? Wrapping me up? Well, that’s…a nice gesture, servant! Yes. Yes, this will do nicely. I feel like a newborn in swaddling clothes!

Now be a doll and fetch me some snacks so I don’t have to get up and you don’t have to wrap me up again. You’ve done well for yourself today, human. I am not displeased.”

— Buddy the Cat