What do felines make of the spy-slash-UFO drama that has consumed the popular imagination for the last week?
The humans have been freaking out about a big balloon flying over Humanland, believing other humans sent it to spy on them. But some humans think aliens are behind the nefarious balloons, and they’re not balloons at all — they’re super sneaky alien craft sent here to scout ahead for an invasion. What do you think?
“If I wanted caviar for breakfast, I would have told you. Stick with the schedule.” – Versace, 13, show cat
“You gonna eat that hedgehog?” – P-84, 1, puma
“Hey up, mates. What’s this, then? Can’t we just fire a few fecking missiles at them and get on with it?” – Liam Gallagher, 8, British cat
“Allow the aliens to land. They look delicious.” – Zanzibar, 5 months, apprentice murderer
“We need a bunker, do we have a bunker? Well why didn’t you BUILD a bunker? Do I have to think of everything?!?” – Buddy the Cat, 8, ex-president of Americats
“This is clearly the work of the aggressive regime in Luxembourg. We should invade, confiscate all their cheese and make them a vassal state.” – Cicero Nash, 4 1/2 months, couch stylist
Cats often scarf their food down as if they haven’t eaten in a week. Are we feeding them enough?
Not all cat food is created equal, and many cats say they’re not getting enough nutrients daily. We asked six cats if their nutritional needs are being met and if their humans are feeding them enough.
Herbert Augustus Lardfellow
“That’s a joke, right? I’m starving over here. Look at me, I’m practically skin and bone!” – Herbert Augustus Lardfellow, 4, barrister
Slim Smudge
“I meow and meow and meow, and all I get are three cans of wet food a day, a bowl of dry and six snacks. I’m constantly hungry.” – Slim Smudge, 9, executive vice purrsident
Sir Snacksalot
“No! I often go two, sometimes three hours between meals. It’s torture!” – Sir Snacksalot, 2, sommelier
Pâté Pete
“Does it look like I get enough calories?” – Pâté Pete, 7, office meownager
Double-Stuffed Oreo
“When you’re as meowscular as I am, you need 10 or 20 times as much protein as a typical cat. I can feel my meowscles wasting away.” – Double-Stuffed Oreo, 5, investment banker
Mr. Delicious
“Too…weak. Can barely…meow. Need Temptations…now…please.” – Mr. Delicious, 3, analyst
Cats come in many different sizes and coat colors, but there’s one thing they all have in common: A love of food. This week we asked nine kitties what their favorite fancy feast is.
“Sea urchin ceviche and smoked duck from Dorsia. Don’t even try, you can’t get a reservation.” – Santorini, 4, Roomba rider
“Human. Haha. Just kidding. I’m partial to Hokkaido Wagyu ribeye or Omi beef filet, lightly pan-seared but still juicy and bloody.” – Dere Khan, 14, jungle ruler
“My human makes a spectacular moussaka just for me, filled with pate and topped with creamy Béchamel sauce that melts in my mouth. Then she feeds me tiramisu.” – Robin, 6 months, good kitten
“Crisp-skinned filet mignon bathed in suculent yuzu kosho, garnished with bacon and served with a side of steak tartare cakes.” – Sammy, 5 months, laser hunter
“Lobster frittata with Sevruga caviar. Nothing too fancy.” – Luisa Rey, 1, catnip quality control tester
“I’ll have the Chilean sea bass, human.” – Hiro, 3 months, nocturnal terror
“Grass-fed Ibérico ham glazed with honey. Such a simple snack, yet so satisfying.” – Stella, 5, cat food commercial model
“I’d have to say the roast swan stuffed with oysters, white beans and bacon. Raw caiman marinated in swamp water would be a close second.” – Xbalanque, 7 months, reincarnated jaguar deity
“Rack of lamb baked in a crust of garlic and herbs, fermented mare’s milk, buttered snails and fried goose liver. Humble fare, to be sure, but my human is a capable cook.” – Stay Puft, 11, book shop cat
Is that not a contingency you should have planned for, as part of your servantly duties to me, Buddy the Cat, First of His Name, Ruler of the Apartmental Realm, Distinguished Former President of the Americats, Prime Despiser of Vacuum the Infernal Wizard, Connoisseur of Turkey and Magnificent Buddinese Tiger?
It’s six degrees out! Even with the heater and the space heater, it feels like we’re in a refrigerator!
Ah, yes, I’ve helped myself to your seat. You snooze, you lose. It’s warm with your butt-heat, see, and besides, which seat is mine if not the one I’ve scratched approximately 20,000 times to the point where the fake leather is literally flaking off?
What are you doing? Wrapping me up? Well, that’s…a nice gesture, servant! Yes. Yes, this will do nicely. I feel like a newborn in swaddling clothes!
Now be a doll and fetch me some snacks so I don’t have to get up and you don’t have to wrap me up again. You’ve done well for yourself today, human. I am not displeased.”
“You can’t just buy your way out of this with treats, although treats are an important component of the remedial process.”
NEW YORK — The quality of Big Buddy’s work as a cat servant has been downgraded to “satisfactory” during his latest performance review, Buddy the Cat announced Tuesday.
The downgrade marks the end of a long streak for the dedicated human, who has consistently received high marks for impeccable service ever since he adopted the mercurial silver tabby cat.
“Big Buddy has always been a reliable servant, but in recent months his work has suffered in inexcusable ways,” Buddy the Cat told reporters at a news conference. “For instance, dinner was two minutes and thirty seven seconds late on December 14th, and on January 8th Big Buddy disregarded my need for uninterrupted beauty sleep when he got up to use the bathroom despite the fact that I was sleeping on his chest. That was a deep betrayal of trust.”
The human will automatically enter a probationary period triggered by the performance downgrade. In order to remain in good standing he’ll need to avoid being tardy with Buddy’s meals, ensure he anticipates Buddy’s demands for head scratches, and regularly remind Buddy he’s a very good and very handsome boy.
Buddy, above, has suffered from subpar service and was forced to downgrade his human’s servant scores.
Felix Meowson, a professor of servantology at the Feline Servant Academy of New York, said Big Buddy faces considerable challenges ahead.
“He’ll need to be attentive and hyper-vigilant going forward if he wants to return to good standing. Weeks worth of excellent service could be ruined by accidentally stepping on a tail or failing to top off the dry food bowl before bed,” Meowson said.
He pointed to The Great Disappointment of 2012 when Monica Morales, servant to a cat named Smudge, allowed a door to remain closed between her and her feline master for more than three hours.
“Monica’s evaluations had never slipped below ‘outstanding,’ but that little stunt cost her dearly and she was downgraded to ‘unacceptable,” Meowson said. “She wasn’t the recipient of an affectionate head bump for almost three months, and didn’t hear a purr for four. She was a cat servant in the dog house, so to speak.”
Buddy said he wanted to avoid the situation with his human becoming as severe.
“You can’t just buy your way out of this with treats, although treats are an important component of the remedial process,” he said. “This is about correcting an injustice, and restoring things to their natural order in which we eat, sleep and lounge, and humans see to our every need.”
